Erm...."Well, girl skid, you know I love you and your brother very much, but I'm not in charge of what happens at your mom's house. If you want something to change, I'm happy to talk to you about it and we can try to figure out some possible solutions."
But I'm wondering, if she was so scared and has access to a phone, why didn't she call at 10pm, 11pm, midnight, etc instead of waiting until sometime the next day? My thoughts jump to playing one side off the other...
ETA: At that age, I was babysitting for other people's children all night long, so I guess I'm a bit flummoxed by the helplessness.
But I'm wondering, if she was so scared and has access to a phone, why didn't she call at 10pm, 11pm, midnight, etc instead of waiting until sometime the next day? My thoughts jump to playing one side off the other...
Exactly what I was thinking. If she was so scared, and lives on this "commune" why not call grandma, aunt, or somebody, or why not call DH. Why bring it up in passing a week later? (or however long it was)
The best things dad can do are to report it to cps, bring a change of custody case to court and/or help the girl and her brother work out how to keep themselves safe and reassured while they are alone.
I do not know how far anything would go with cps/count. In my mind 15 is old enough for a mature child to be left in a home, I don't know what the laws where you are state.
So I would focus on helping the girl cope. Talk through scenarios of what could happen and what she should do if..... Someone breaks in, there is s fire, she hears s loud noise, she or her brother fall ill or injure themselves, she feels sad, she feels scared and any others you can think of.
Teaching her how to assess her fears and take suitable actions to prevent them happening or to comfort herself will be more useful life skills than her learning that when she has a problem with what mom is doing she can call dad who will tell mom off.
Thank you BethAnne, you've offered good advice that I will pass on. Both the skids are mature enough, it is just that girl skid is scared to be there overnight alone. Shoot half the time she is scared to be at home at our house during the day in the summer. Because she is so scared to be alone we put her in self defense classes this past summer to try and help her overcome the issue. We would never leave them alone overnight much less to go party but obviously it is a different house with different structure.
She isn't going to cause trouble by going to a relatives house in the middle of the night but she did mention to her dad the next morning when they spoke before school that she didn't get any sleep.
If DH and I were going on a trip and my 15stb16 year old son did not want to stay with a friend or my parents or his dad, there is a strong possibility I would allow him to stay home alone on a school night.
I guess it depends on the area (ours is a safe area) and the kid (DS isn't a straight A student, but he has a ton of common sense and has proven himself responsible so far.)
I will have to read more for background info on the situation and kids to offer any advice, but I too was staying home alone at that age when my parents were out of town sometimes, and even on school nights. If I got scared, I would call and talk to someone until I felt better or would call for someone in driving distance to come get me.
I agree. She has some sort of end game in mind I think.
In itself, I don't think leaving a two almost 15 year old kids alone for an evening when they have relatives a stones throw from the house is negligent at all unless the children have some sort of disability that would make it unsafe.
Could she be mad at mom? Maybe mom is on her case and she is angling for a change?
They were left overnight, not for an evening.
The girl skid is extremely scared to be at home with no adults.
I told SO to tell her if she doesn't like what her mom is doing then she can come live with us but that we have no say in what her mother does at their house. Skid needs to tell her mom that she is scared to be there without an adult in the house she lives in, telling her dad does nothing.
I meant evening/overnight.. that age it should have been ok. There were relatives close by. The girl held onto this information for a while.. so it couldn't have been an emergency matter. I think she wants to get her mom"in trouble".
Also... I will be honest, I sympathize with the girl if she is nervous at home... though her brother IS there with her. I don't like sleeping in my house alone and I'm over 50!
That being said, while your DH can't control things that happen at her mother's place, he can help her to work out a strategy for these situations. Maybe it is to see if she and her brother can spend the night with one of the close by relatives? Maybe it is that she can call your DH to talk when she gets scared "no matter what time". Maybe it's something else.
So, he can't control his EX or her home.. but he can help his child. He could even potentially volunteer to take the kids in these situations instead of them having to be home alone?
I don't really understand the big deal but I guess it's different for everyone. I lived alone at 16 and spent a lot of time alone from 13 onwards - sometimes overnight. It wasn't a big deal to me. And if it's a big deal to your stepdaughter, maybe she should be encouraged to spend more time alone so she's more comfortable...
Wow. I was 15 when my parents sent me live in another country. I had no idea how to cook, do laundry or housework. Stayed with my cousin who would laugh at my efforts. Worked in her milkbar from 5am to 7pm, 6 days a week to pay my board. After a year, I got a job as a typist and brought a cook book. My mates showed me how to do my laundry. When I turned 17, I moved out with friends and have been self sufficient since.
Babying teens..not a good idea. They would benefit more from being taught how to be independent and rely only on themselves. They will thank you for teaching them life skills rather than always relying on someone else to be there/fix it.
right? when my dad moved out, my mom went back to school to get her LPN (I am dating myself) and then her RN. She worked nights and went to school in the day.
There were four of us left alone in the house overnight starting when we were 6, 9, 11 and 13. Nobody thought twice about it
Few things:
Girl and boy skid are alone in the house, there are no other kids. They live in a bunch of trailers on a acre tract, meth labs are a dime a dozen in the neighborhood and rebel flags can be purchased at the end of their road.
Girl skid is scared to be alone even during the day at our house, we have worked on this issue with her by putting her in self defense classes, we have no meth labs, rebel flag sales are void, overall we live in a beautiful neighborhood.
BM is not working a nursing job or out earning cash she is at Jazz Fest and when this started 6 months ago she was staying the night at boyfriends house before he moved in.
Girl skid has expressed that she is not scared enough that she needs to go wake up another adult on commune she has just stated that on the nights no adults are home that she in unable to sleep. Being as it was and has been school nights her not getting sleep is the point.
Skid is not typically a kid that plays her dad out, in all honesty she is a good kid, straight A honor roll and we are very aware that she is scared to be alone, it isn't an act she is putting on.
There was no break in the time period that this was reported to SO, the kid was left alone on Thursday night and kid told SO the next morning that she was extremely tired from not getting any sleep the night before, she hates being there alone with her brother because without an adult in the house she doesn't sleep well.
I was alone at the age of 15 taking care of 4 other kids but I also wasn't living in methville and overall teenagers in the 90's are so different then kids nowadays. Yes she is 15 but her maturity level "street" wise is about that of a 12 yo.
Skids did stop calling SO for about a month, but after they talked about it they explained they had just been busy getting acclimated to their first year in high school, volley ball, choir, swim and football practice. Everything since has been somewhat normal and SO tends to talk to one of the twins everyday.
We are 3 hours away from the skids so SO cannot go pick them up and bring them to our house.
Comments
Erm...."Well, girl skid, you
Erm...."Well, girl skid, you know I love you and your brother very much, but I'm not in charge of what happens at your mom's house. If you want something to change, I'm happy to talk to you about it and we can try to figure out some possible solutions."
But I'm wondering, if she was so scared and has access to a phone, why didn't she call at 10pm, 11pm, midnight, etc instead of waiting until sometime the next day? My thoughts jump to playing one side off the other...
ETA: At that age, I was babysitting for other people's children all night long, so I guess I'm a bit flummoxed by the helplessness.
But I'm wondering, if she was
But I'm wondering, if she was so scared and has access to a phone, why didn't she call at 10pm, 11pm, midnight, etc instead of waiting until sometime the next day? My thoughts jump to playing one side off the other...
Exactly what I was thinking. If she was so scared, and lives on this "commune" why not call grandma, aunt, or somebody, or why not call DH. Why bring it up in passing a week later? (or however long it was)
If she was so scared, why
If she was so scared, why didn't she just walk over to her grandparent's or her aunt's house?
I was 13 when my parents left me home alone on a school night for the first time.
She left them overnight
She left them overnight because her and her live in boyfriend went to Mardi Gras.
I'm sorry, I just don't think
I'm sorry, I just don't think this is a big deal. My DD15 has been home overnight alone, even tending younger siblings.
I would let it go.
The best things dad can do
The best things dad can do are to report it to cps, bring a change of custody case to court and/or help the girl and her brother work out how to keep themselves safe and reassured while they are alone.
I do not know how far anything would go with cps/count. In my mind 15 is old enough for a mature child to be left in a home, I don't know what the laws where you are state.
So I would focus on helping the girl cope. Talk through scenarios of what could happen and what she should do if..... Someone breaks in, there is s fire, she hears s loud noise, she or her brother fall ill or injure themselves, she feels sad, she feels scared and any others you can think of.
Teaching her how to assess her fears and take suitable actions to prevent them happening or to comfort herself will be more useful life skills than her learning that when she has a problem with what mom is doing she can call dad who will tell mom off.
Thank you BethAnne, you've
Thank you BethAnne, you've offered good advice that I will pass on. Both the skids are mature enough, it is just that girl skid is scared to be there overnight alone. Shoot half the time she is scared to be at home at our house during the day in the summer. Because she is so scared to be alone we put her in self defense classes this past summer to try and help her overcome the issue. We would never leave them alone overnight much less to go party but obviously it is a different house with different structure.
She isn't going to cause trouble by going to a relatives house in the middle of the night but she did mention to her dad the next morning when they spoke before school that she didn't get any sleep.
If DH and I were going on a
If DH and I were going on a trip and my 15stb16 year old son did not want to stay with a friend or my parents or his dad, there is a strong possibility I would allow him to stay home alone on a school night.
I guess it depends on the area (ours is a safe area) and the kid (DS isn't a straight A student, but he has a ton of common sense and has proven himself responsible so far.)
I will have to read more for background info on the situation and kids to offer any advice, but I too was staying home alone at that age when my parents were out of town sometimes, and even on school nights. If I got scared, I would call and talk to someone until I felt better or would call for someone in driving distance to come get me.
Exactly!!
Exactly!!
I agree. She has some sort
I agree. She has some sort of end game in mind I think.
In itself, I don't think leaving a two almost 15 year old kids alone for an evening when they have relatives a stones throw from the house is negligent at all unless the children have some sort of disability that would make it unsafe.
Could she be mad at mom? Maybe mom is on her case and she is angling for a change?
They were left overnight, not
They were left overnight, not for an evening.
The girl skid is extremely scared to be at home with no adults.
I told SO to tell her if she doesn't like what her mom is doing then she can come live with us but that we have no say in what her mother does at their house. Skid needs to tell her mom that she is scared to be there without an adult in the house she lives in, telling her dad does nothing.
I meant evening/overnight..
I meant evening/overnight.. that age it should have been ok. There were relatives close by. The girl held onto this information for a while.. so it couldn't have been an emergency matter. I think she wants to get her mom"in trouble".
Also... I will be honest, I
Also... I will be honest, I sympathize with the girl if she is nervous at home... though her brother IS there with her. I don't like sleeping in my house alone and I'm over 50!
That being said, while your DH can't control things that happen at her mother's place, he can help her to work out a strategy for these situations. Maybe it is to see if she and her brother can spend the night with one of the close by relatives? Maybe it is that she can call your DH to talk when she gets scared "no matter what time". Maybe it's something else.
So, he can't control his EX or her home.. but he can help his child. He could even potentially volunteer to take the kids in these situations instead of them having to be home alone?
I don't really understand the
I don't really understand the big deal but I guess it's different for everyone. I lived alone at 16 and spent a lot of time alone from 13 onwards - sometimes overnight. It wasn't a big deal to me. And if it's a big deal to your stepdaughter, maybe she should be encouraged to spend more time alone so she's more comfortable...
Wow. I was 15 when my parents
Wow. I was 15 when my parents sent me live in another country. I had no idea how to cook, do laundry or housework. Stayed with my cousin who would laugh at my efforts. Worked in her milkbar from 5am to 7pm, 6 days a week to pay my board. After a year, I got a job as a typist and brought a cook book. My mates showed me how to do my laundry. When I turned 17, I moved out with friends and have been self sufficient since.
Babying teens..not a good idea. They would benefit more from being taught how to be independent and rely only on themselves. They will thank you for teaching them life skills rather than always relying on someone else to be there/fix it.
I agree with all saying SD is
I agree with all saying SD is playing her father... it's manipulation, she's trying to get BM angry or something from BM or DH......
What concerns me more is DH telling skid they should come and live with you... how does that feel
right? when my dad moved
right? when my dad moved out, my mom went back to school to get her LPN (I am dating myself) and then her RN. She worked nights and went to school in the day.
There were four of us left alone in the house overnight starting when we were 6, 9, 11 and 13. Nobody thought twice about it
Few things: Girl and boy skid
Few things:
Girl and boy skid are alone in the house, there are no other kids. They live in a bunch of trailers on a acre tract, meth labs are a dime a dozen in the neighborhood and rebel flags can be purchased at the end of their road.
Girl skid is scared to be alone even during the day at our house, we have worked on this issue with her by putting her in self defense classes, we have no meth labs, rebel flag sales are void, overall we live in a beautiful neighborhood.
BM is not working a nursing job or out earning cash she is at Jazz Fest and when this started 6 months ago she was staying the night at boyfriends house before he moved in.
Girl skid has expressed that she is not scared enough that she needs to go wake up another adult on commune she has just stated that on the nights no adults are home that she in unable to sleep. Being as it was and has been school nights her not getting sleep is the point.
Skid is not typically a kid that plays her dad out, in all honesty she is a good kid, straight A honor roll and we are very aware that she is scared to be alone, it isn't an act she is putting on.
There was no break in the time period that this was reported to SO, the kid was left alone on Thursday night and kid told SO the next morning that she was extremely tired from not getting any sleep the night before, she hates being there alone with her brother because without an adult in the house she doesn't sleep well.
I was alone at the age of 15 taking care of 4 other kids but I also wasn't living in methville and overall teenagers in the 90's are so different then kids nowadays. Yes she is 15 but her maturity level "street" wise is about that of a 12 yo.
Skids did stop calling SO for about a month, but after they talked about it they explained they had just been busy getting acclimated to their first year in high school, volley ball, choir, swim and football practice. Everything since has been somewhat normal and SO tends to talk to one of the twins everyday.
We are 3 hours away from the skids so SO cannot go pick them up and bring them to our house.