I was so torqued by her response that I actually wrote her!

Abby,

Your advice to Parenting Time in Nebraska couldn't have been more off, or more off-putting to those of us trying to function in step-families.

"Parenting Time" is spending one evening a week at his ex-wife's home to spend time with his children, against the wishes of his present wife. You concluded that the present wife was "insecure."

Although there are some extremely fortunate stepmoms, being a stepmom or a Wife No. 2, as you referred to us in your column, is a largely thankless endeavor. You're routinely told that "you knew what you were getting into," and that "you're the adult," so you must rise above your stepchildren's bad behavior, insults, and assaults, which sometimes become physical. You're told that you're hated, that your spouse--who you adore--should still be married to their ex-spouse because that's the way the stepchild wants it,and the expectation is that you'll just take it. To have your attempts at kindness taken for granted and even used against you, because they're children who have had hard lives because of their parents' divorce, something to which you were never a party.

In this case, we know nothing of the stepmom's circumstance, other than that she doesn't want her husband to spend an entire evening in the home of his ex-wife. Frankly, I don't know anyone who would want their spouse spending the evening in the home of his ex-wife, and particularly not on a weekly basis and at the behest of children, whose needs clearly supersede the needs of this woman. I don't think that reflects insecurity. I think it reflects healthy boundaries.

But this situation is about more than just the complicated and often challenging at best dynamics of step-families. Can you imagine what it's like to have your needs and wants come in last on the list of your partner's priorities? And Parenting Time is not only expressly ignoring his wife's feelings, he's telling her week after week that her feelings don't matter, and that she's ridiculous for having them in the first place. Whether or not this stepmom is truly craving time with her stepchildren, I don't know, but I can tell you from experience that I would not tolerate my husband treating me in the this way.

This is not a situation meritorious of a "suck it up and deal" mentality. This stepmom/Wife No. 2 is already likely doing a great deal of that. This was a time for you to encourage someone to have empathy and kindness for his wife, and you blew it.

"I feel there's ample opportunity on the weekends for my kids to be at our house and for her to build a relationship with them." ---- Um, hello guy, that's not her issue!

There's just not enough information to make a good conclusion, how many days a week is this? How long each day? Is the wife upset he's at ex-wife's home playing perfect family, or is she upset at not being able to play perfect family with the kids in her home?

I think if it's one day a week for and he's watching them for a couple of hours after school, and BM isn't even in the home, I'd say SM might be a little insecure.

Completely different story if it's M-F and Dad is over there for 5-6 hours eating dinner with BM every night

**If I were Dear Abby**

Dear Parenting Time:

I can certainly understand a new wife of any duration taking issue to the situation you currently have. Not only is it an uncomfortable situation to put your wife in, having to have her husband "play house" once a week with his exwife and kids, it also could be causing some underlying sense of "false hopes" within the children that you are still a happy family with your exwife, giving them the idea that you and your exwife will be reuniting and once again becoming a nuclear family. If your wife takes issue to this, you should certainly do your best to make other accommodations for your mid week visits with the kids.

Two suggestions being:

1. Why not just have the kids for dinner and take them to their moms house to complete their homework on their own, OR, take them to the local library if you have the desire to assist them with completing their homework.

2. Maybe it is time for you to step up and request for MORE parenting time with your children so they can stay with you in your home during the week, avoiding the feeling of being rushed back to moms house.

Food for thought.

Lol.

Many of the commenters are suggesting that stepmom cook dinner at their house while dad helps with homework. That'll fix it!!!

What a stupid response and what a stupid man. I hope his 2nd, less important wife, has an ex that she can go spend some time with. The "it's for the kids" excuse drives me bonkers! If you really believe that then, this man should be wiping BMs ass for her... hey, "it's for the kids".. wouldn't want their mother to have a stinky ass.

Where is a freaking eye roll emoji when you need one

There is no reason to be at BM's house. Period. I don't know how she puts up with that at all. It's not insecurity it's just common sense.