SD is so predictable, it's scary
DH put SD21 back on our health insurance policy against my strong disapproval last week. Thank you Uncle Sam for making that change! Gag!
Anyway, I didn't want her back on the policy because she stiffed us with some of her medical bills last year. I was relieved to have her off the policy as she was no longer attending school. Now we're right back in the same situation again.
SD has immense difficulty in getting along with people, and either quits or gets fired from her various jobs within months of starting, sometimes weeks.
She found a job cutting hair in October of last year. She has been at this salon for 6 months. I heard nothing about it so I figured all was well. Boy, was I wrong. As it turns out, she no longer works there. I had my suspicions last week, so I called the salon to make an appointment with SD. "SD no longer works here". I don't know how long ago she quit or got fired, but the fact remains that she's no longer there. Last week I asked DH if she was still working there. He said yes but they were cutting her hours. So either DH is lying to me, or he is just so blinded by fatherly love that he just doesn't get it.
She has since taken a job at a beauty supply shop. Nice. We paid to put her through beauty school after she insisted on dropping out of junior college. Those thousands of dollars have now landed her a cashier's job.
I'm so frustrated. Now she is on our insurance and working part time for minimum wage. And I KNOW this job will last maybe 2 months. Summer is coming and she can't sit still long enough to work, even part time. So we will be faced with paying off more medical bills this year.
I'm nearing the end of my rope. I don't know how much longer I can stay in a marriage with an enabling, coddling daddy who won't take his head out of his butt long enough to see what's going on. He's known her for 21 years and has no idea of who/how she is. I've known her for less than 4 years and can predict her next move before it even happens.
Has anyone had any luck getting DH to treat his adult kids as adults? Is it even possible? Does anyone out there know how to remove the rose-colored glasses from DH's face?
On another note, when he visited with SD21 and SS26 at Easter, he gave them both $50! Why? They don't believe in the Easter bunny anymore! It's like he has to pay to see them, or win their approval.
SO frustrated!
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in fairness, my mom still
in fairness, my mom still gives me an Easter gift and I am 34, with a full time job:) she just likes to give my bro and I gifts.
I've already told him that
I've already told him that whatever outstanding bills come here for her will NOT be paid this time. They can chase her and shake her upside down for the money. I made the mistake of paying the bills last year because I figured it would be a relief to stop getting the late bills in the mail and just get her out of the insurance policy once and for all. MISTAKE!
The biggest thorn in my side is that he LIED about her losing her job...again. I'm just so over it, I could scream. DH is the problem here. All SD can do is ask, DH is the one who has to grow some balls and say NO. But he won't do it. I see luggage in my future.
nomorefaking1, thank you for
nomorefaking1, thank you for sharing.
This is EXACTLY one of my BIGGEST fears with spending the rest of my life with my BF (we've been dating for 6 yrs, living together for 2 & he has 2 kids SD15 & SS12) - that as adults, skids will NEVER ACTUALLY ACT LIKE ADULTS and become independent, hard-working, productive members of society!! That they will continue to live with/off of BF for as long as they can use him, because that's what BM teaches them/encourages them to do.
This is what SVS just posted about in her "AHA moment" blog today - and my response. I could be writing this blog myself in 6 yrs from now (when SD turns 21) if I don't set some serious boundaries about all of this crap with my BF now (before I marry him).
You are not crazy. Your DH is doing your SD21 absolutely NO GOOD by adding her back onto his health insurance - coddling and enabling her at its best.
I bet SHE'S the one lying to DH about still working at the hair salon & her hours being cut. If DH is lying to YOU (in other words, "covering" for SD21), then that's a huge problem, IMO.
Good job, Uncle Sam & this government!! These are the negative implications of our govt. being too politically correct and trying to insure the country, without the money to PAY for it. Yet another reason for MORE people to not be ACCOUNTABLE and RESPONSIBLE for their own decisions, their own lives and now...their own health insurance!!!
Yes, invest the time and set
Yes, invest the time and set some boundaries now BEFORE you get married. I (foolishly) believed that DH would turn more of his attention toward our 2 boys (2 1/2 and 6 weeks) being that his first 2 kids are now adults. Nope. Seems that DH believes that the first 2 kids come first, and ours get what's left. If I had a crystal ball before I got married, I don't think I would have gotten married. Tread carefully and good luck!
I think DH was the one lying to me. He wanted SD to come to our house on Sunday to cut his hair. I asked him why she needed to come here to cut his hair, why wouldn't he just make an appt with her at her salon. He came up with a lame excuse that they were cutting her hours. But she works evenings, so he would still be able to get an appointment. Yeah, it was him. Very disappointing.
nomorefaking1...thank you!
nomorefaking1...thank you! You have really given me something to think long & hard about.
I'm so torn. I love BF with my whole heart and he is such an AMAZING man in so many ways. I can say with 100% certainty that I look forward to growing old with him.
With that said, he comes with skids & the BM crap (at least until skids are 21). It's a package deal, THAT'S the hard part.
I know I sound soooo incredibly selfish right now, but I worked my BUTT off to give myself the best life & the best opportunities that life has to offer. Everything I've worked for, my career, my house, my life, etc... I have literally busted my ass to EARN. I feel that my future with him will consist of the skids eternally DRAINING US...not just financially, but with all that they come with - drama, spoiled, entitled, etc.. I always wanted my life to be filled with happiness, love, maybe some traveling, nice things, etc...
Can I handle having mini-BM's in my life for the rest of my life? This is my dilemma and I don't know what to do. My BF is worth the risk, I'm just scared of the outcome of his kids.
I'm not saying that your
I'm not saying that your sitch is exactly like mine, however you do sound a lot like me a few years ago.
Just make sure you sit down with him and discuss and AGREE to boundaries/rules before you get married. Hell, put them in writing if you have to.
I worked my rear too when I was single to save for my future. I was independent and loved it. Since marriage, my savings have gone to pay bills so we could get both of us on our feet and in good financial shape. Now that we're there, it seems that DH almost wants to go back to the same old ways of coddling and paying for SDs responsibilities, instead of helping her grow up and be independent.
Don't fool yourself, though. It doesn't stop at any certain age. 18, 21, 26, doesn't matter. If the skids come back looking for more and DH can't say no, then there's nothing we can do, right?
Drama? Spoiled? Entitled? Don't get me going on that. I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.
nomorefaking1, if you don't
nomorefaking1, if you don't mind me asking some background: how old are the 2 adult skids now? boys? girls? how long has he been divorced from their BM? how long have you known him & how long have you been married to him? did you have any dealings with BM when they were younger? did BM teach them hard work ethic or responsibility at all? I'm trying to put my situation into perspective, is all.
I love to help if I
I love to help if I can...
how old are the 2 adult skids now? SD21, SS26
boys? girls? girl21, boy26, 2 of our own (boys 2 1/2 and 6 wks)
how long has he been divorced from their BM? 7 years
how long have you known him & how long have you been married to him? known him for 4 years, married for 2
did you have any dealings with BM when they were younger? No. When I met him, SD was 17 and SS was 22.
did BM teach them hard work ethic or responsibility at all? No. That's the problem. I was just thinking this morning about how someone really dropped the ball when raising SD. She lived with BM after the divorce (still does), SS lived with DH. I guess that's the difference.
thanks nomore, I appreciate
thanks nomore, I appreciate your help!!
Lucky girl...you didn't have to deal with a narcissistic, controlling BM that your skids are turning into miniature versions of. lol
"Has anyone had any luck
"Has anyone had any luck getting DH to treat his adult kids as adults?" Not here.
"Is it even possible?" I don't think so.
"Does anyone out there know how to remove the rose-colored glasses from DH's face?" No clue at all, but if you find out please let me know!!!
Hi Jen!! I'm researching.
Hi Jen!!
I'm researching. I'll let you know. But one thing's for sure. If things don't change around here and fast, I won't be in this marriage much longer. I can't live my life like this anymore. All of our arguements are about SD (occasionally BM but not often).
I don't understand why you
I don't understand why you pay her medical bills for her, since she is no longer a minor. Just because you carry a policy on her doesn't make you liable for her medical co-pays or deductibles, or out of pocket treatment. If she is no longer a minor, any debts incurred by her are hers alone. I just wouldn't pay them, it's her credit that will get ruined.
"Kindness is usually mistaken for weakness by stupid people" author unknown
I would think there's a way
I would think there's a way you/her dad can notify her doctor's office, other providers that SHE is the "responsible party" for billing for anything that the health insurance doesn't cover, no?? Or at least you could notify them of the opposite - notify them IN WRITING that SHE is the responsible party with regard to payment for any services rendered and that YOU are not responsible.
So if she doesn't pay her uncovered medical expenses, copays, etc..., these bills will be in HER name and will ruin HER CREDIT if they remain unpaid.
You have to IGNORE any bills that are in her name!! Not your expenses, not your problem!! Put the bills in her bedroom when she comes over (or if she lives elsewhere, provide her address to the medical providers).
She's 21 for heaven's sake!! She may still be ELIGIBLE to be under her father's health insurance (for which she should be GRATEFUL and APPRECIATIVE) but she is still legally responsible for paying her uncovered expenses!!! Amazing what these young adults will try to get away with - total disrespect, IMHO
I've already got that
I've already got that covered. The new policy starts May 1. On April 30 I am calling the insurance company to make sure there is no responsibility on us for her expenses.
I'm no worried about the doctor's bills. They will have her address. It's the bills that go through the insurance that irritate me. It's DH's policy, so they send everything here. Then I/he will send the bill to her, but it doesn't get paid. Oh, and another thing... I sent the bill to her house (she lives with BM) last year and WHOA NELLIE! Did sh*t hit the fan. BM called here and cussed DH out for about 15 minutes about me overstepping. (sigh). I guess I have no place sending HER DAUGHTER'S BILL TO HER HOME! Shame on me.
I wish I could PM you!!! I
I wish I could PM you!!!
I know. that's why I paid the bill off. we just fixed our credit ratings and I don't want them going into the abyss again.
Can you kick her off of it
Can you kick her off of it if she fails to pay even one bill????
Does it have to be a joint decision to kick her off or is it only your dh that can remove her from the plan?
That is what i would do. Should be fail to pay even one bill, she is immediatley removed.