Villainized once more
HI everyone, I'm new here. No place to turn, but sure am glad I found this place! I am the Step mom to a 26 year old man. Have been for 20 years. He is married to a 24 year old college grad. Very intelligent girl, bank manager, we are very proud of her accomplishments. She has a very hot temper, and if she misunderstands or disagrees with anything I say (or anyone else)she will fly off the handle and basically cause a huge scene, or burst into tears and cry through the whole dinner, church service, family get together, etc. It has gotten to the point that I have started to limit what I say to her for fear of these angry outbursts.
Recently, on our youngest son's graduation day, we went to church then out to eat before the ceremony. My Inlaws were there, our Son and Girlfriend, my SS and SDIL and us. Service was slow and our youngest commented that he was worried that he wouldn't make it to the school on time. My step son chimed in, "I can have you to the school in 12 minutes!". We had forgotten his gown at home and needed to get it. I wrongly assumed he was offering to transport his brother to the school. I said "Okay, if you're going to take him to the school then we can go back to the house and get his gown and meet you guys back there." My SDIL came Un-Glued and stood up, stomped out of the room to pay their bill, came back and I believe it was my husband who asked her what was wrong, she then shouted " Well,If people wouldn't try to change our plans!!" I thought 'Did I say something wrong?' So she stormed out of the restaurant with my SS following. We just let it slide because we know that our son (my SS) pays bigtime after these outbursts.
In the car on the way to our house I know I was talking about what just happened, and I remember saying "I Hate it when she does this!" Well my youngest son's girl friend who was there also, let it slip to my SDIL that I said this, unbeknownst to me.(sorry long story)
SS and SDIL both play softball on a co-ed league. We show up days later at the next game like always, and immediately I sensed that my SDIL was not speaking to me, and actually got up and left when we sat down near her. My husband asked my SS later what was up with her and he said that someone had told her that I said I "hated" her. (I have never uttered those words about anyone let alone her)
Realization set in that she was going to make my life miserable over this misunderstanding, so I told my husband the very next time I saw her I would set things right. It made me physicall ill for the next couple days. I was just so upset that she would believe for a minute that I would say such a thing that when I saw her I blurted out "I NEVER said that I hated you, I Love you, How could you even believe that?" She just said "That's fine" and acted like everything was okay. So 3 mo later I was checking out my youngest son's myspace and saw her picture on there as one of his contacts. I thought Oh wow! I'll go see her page too while I'm on here. I got there and there was thisblog in full view that read "In-laws are the worst!" and proceeded to just tear me apart. accuseing me of screaming at her, talking behind her back, no longer talking to her, on and on. The girls and guys from their team all go to this site, Her family, etc. People we associate with. I was floored. I can't believe I'm the villain in all this. I have never had a cross word with her. I have tried to be very overly supportive and tolerant.
So we spoke to my SS, he told her I saw the blog, She told my husband if we showed it to anyone or told anyone about it she would never speak to us again. It's just a mess.
Does anyone out there have any advice? Thanks for your patience, this is a doozie.
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Comments
It is her problem not yours.
I mean this girl is emotionally unstable, and I am sure it isn't just limited to you. She sounds like she needs to be on medication, or at least in therapy. As for her "threatening" you about showing anyone the blog, sounds to me like she puts on a happy, good girl front, and doesn't want people to see the vindictive, angry person she really is inside. I mean why would she write the blog if she had no intentions of anyone seeing it? She did it to tear you down, and make herself look like the victim. If I were in your shoes, I would be nice and civil to this woman, but I wouldn't push any real closeness. The problem is HERS not yours, and there really isn't anything you can do about the way she acts, she is the only one that can change that.
I'm with Chellebelle
I'm nervous for you just reading your post. That girl sounds very unstable and irrational. I had a boss that use to say "the truth always comes out" She was from a gritty side of Boston and had seen a thing or two. She's right. The truth about you and the crazy SDIL will come out. Polite but distant is probably the best course of action. I doubt your SS will stay with this girl. Let's pray she doesn't get pregnant. She sounds like the poster child for the worst BM creation. You can't change her, but you can stay centered and adult like. She may be of legal age but she sounds like a child.
Ride it out?
It will probably be just a matter of time before your SS gets completely fed up with her tantrums! If she’s this way BEFORE they marry all hell is going to break loose afterwards. Have you seen Bridezillas?! LOL!
Make a GREAT Day!
What a bitch....
Chellebelle is right... this gal has issues... it is her problem, not yours. I wonder why your ss puts up with it? My dh would never allow me to talk to him or anyone else that way! (not that I would anyway). In the end unfortunately you have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot change her... your ss cannot change her.... your dh cannot change her.... She will not change unless she takes a long look at herself and does some serious work.... unfortunately, most of these people don't see anything wrong with their behavior in the first place and therefore have no intention of changing. I would simply be nice to her, be the bigger person and let her make herself look like a fool.
I have had to realize the same when it comes to my son's sm. My dh and I cannot understand why my son's dad allows his wife to act the way she does or why he would stay with someone so insecure, jealous, vindictive, unstable and obviously unwilling to change. I feel badly for your ss because he is going to live in pure hell as long as he is with this woman.... lets just hope she doesn't get knocked up because then hes in it for life whether or not they stay together.
I think you should distance yourself
from your sdil. She is two faced, manipulative, and loves confrontation. You sound passive and kind, and manipulative people confuse kindness for weakness, and when you are kind, she moves in to attack. Not necessarily to your face, but somehow she attacks you.
I am married, and my dh's side of the family is extremely two faced. They portray to appreciate me being married to my dh, are very kind to me when I benefit them, but if I need a favor, or if I am not specifically benefitting them, I am the villian. They talk trash about me to my ss, to my ss's bm, and basically to anyone that will listen. They have even gone as far as talking trash about me to our employees at our small business. Recently, my fil (who has been divorced from this family for 30 years) was in town at my sil's wedding. At one moment my dh's aunt was telling my fil how his ex psycho gf (ss's bm) was/is a better fit for my dh than I am, and then two minutes later, the aunt sits next to me and proceeds to tell me how beautiful my dress is, how gorgeous my makeup is, how my dh and I make such an attractive couple....numerous compliments...
Long story short, if you see the signs of someone you cannot trust so do others. Anyone that is going to trust and value the trash talk she makes about you shouldn't be someone you value anyways. You can't trust two-faced people....PERIOD! It is absolutely hurtful that someone will say hurtful things about you, but you are going to have to toughen up your skin, get over it, and just not value what she says.
When you were describing what your sdil acts like...I was thinking..wow she sounds crazy. Now if I think that by just a couple of paragraphs, what do you think others are saying when she creates those outburts. The same thing. Don't worry about what crazy people are going to say about you. All you can do is control how you treat people, and if you are kind, compassionate, and respectful, that is how others will perceive you to be. Just b/c a melodramatic person says awful things about you doesn't mean the world is going to believe her....
Keep your distance, don't try to be her friend, do your best to be a good step-mother, but don't go out of your way for her, and if she throws her temper tantrums, do what most parents do...ignore it. When you give it attention, it will go on.
Hugs,
Candice
Thanks Ladies
Thanks Ladies for your very useful comments! It's given me some definite food for thought, and a little more courage to just get on with life. My Mother in law actually said something that blew me away yesterday. She rarely says anything remotely un-supportive of her grandchildren. She told me that My SDIL is just using this incident as an excuse to estrange me from my SS. That she is taking what she has heard my SS say about me in the past, playing on his basic indifference toward me, and using this as her excuse to get me out of the picture. It makes perfect sense to me because I have suspected as much in the back of my mind for a while. She is systematically estranging him from all of us.
When they first got together, they could only spend holidays with her family but sometimes they would show up for Christmas (gifts I think)So that cut out Our side for a couple years not to mention My family who he used to regard as his aunts and uncles and cousins etc. My mother was always Gma to him. He's known them since he was 5 years old. But now he doesn't even talk to them. Just rarely and by accident. You know, at Wal-mart. Then it was his own family, and finally it's now His father, brother and I. Although they came over tonight while I was at work to see if they can borrow our vehicle for the weekend :? I'm just griping now. Sorry! Getting a little disgruntled I guess. I'll stop right there.
Thanks all!
All sounds soooo familiar .....
The only person in my life that is anything like your SDIL, is unfortunately the EX, she will cause soooo much drama,if she does not get her way.I used to distance myself from my SD, because I knew she would catch HELL later, but not anymore,SD is grown now, if she gets hell from BM, she is an adult now,she dosen't have to take it anymore,she can tell her BM where to go,IF she so chooses.(its HER LIFE,she has to protect herself now)BM is all about HER and her WORLD,we just revolve around HER. There was even a time that I was friendly with BM's sis,she put the brakes to that by telling sister I had cursed out sis's 6 yr old son,I politely told sis,you KNOW how much BM lies??? Why would you believe her?? Sis stated it wasn't only BM, but their mother "heard" me too!! WTF????? So I politely told sis, that your Mother is a "f**king liar too,so I won't have anything to do with the lot of ya.BM is soooo jealous of ANYONE who might interupt her nice little fantasy world she has going,that she will destroy anyone who gets in her way.So I suspect that your SDIL, first and foremost, is one sick little puppy, and she is trying to alienate you and family from SS,she sounds to me like an abuser,but your SS has to come to terms with her and when, OR IF, he has had enough,only then can he put a stop to her bullying.You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink,as the saying goes. One way to give yourself peace, is maybe just distance yourself from SDIL, be polite,don't offer any words until spoken too, but be very careful how you answer,she will twist just one word to make it work to her advantage.Think before you speak,BUT, if you should ever unintentionally make a mistake,and she "goes off",DO NOT BACK DOWN,DO NOT argue with her, it will just become a shouting match and she ends up feeling suprior for having made you lose your cool. SS is an adult,let him fight his own battles,after all,he married her,you didn't.Maybe if he catches enough hell from her, he might just decide to get rid of her and it would be blessing for the whole family! And DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for standing up to her, because your SS might be getting hell later.It was his choice to marry her!!!!Let him deal with the fallout,it might wake him up!!!
You know what they say about bullies, stand up to them and they will eventually back down!!!
Try it, it might work!!!
hangingin
same boat
I just joined this site yesterday, am engaged to amn with 3 children and a SD from previous marriage who has only cursed at me since day we met saying a fourth of everything was hers, so what? Anyway that SD not even his BD or his AdoptedD,( he adopted S from previous marriage whom we have awonderful relationship with)has always been out for what you can do for her, then I talk his BS to move heer with his wife and child ,(mind you his BD does not like his SD either and never spent much time with her, anyway i talk my Fiance into hiring his son and help him out and all of asudden I am the villian, Apparently my future SDIL decides to befriend SD and they have ahey day.Everything I do or say is interpreted as evil and it was my idea for them to move here so we could help(they are 30 and 32 and have very bad credit, etc) The SD is 22 and my BF has very unhealthy relationship with, he hates that he invested so much time in her only to be disrespected time and again, he paid for her school after her mom(My BF ex) moved in with another man(week she graduated nursing school and 6 months after he paid for her plastice surgery) SD learned from the best , her mom! The fact that she bad mouths my BF and yet SDIL chooses to hang around her all the time while the man being insulted is paying all the bills, all the bills for them
This hurts doesn't it, we love the man so we love the children only to be dumped on, and who's respondsibility is it to step in? MY future SS sounds like yours in way that he is quiter and goes along with his wife who like your SDIL also has a temper ,thank you for sharing it has helped me and there are few adult step issues online!!!