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I'm the evil SM once again

sadlonelyone's picture

I told DH that SD14's decision to move back with BM 600 miles and 2 states away is permanent. We have 2 under 2, both girls, and he's treating me like Satan himself for saying SD can't ever live with us again. He said he'd never tell any of his 3 kids that they aren't welcome home and that I would never send our bios away. 

He said she's just a kid and has Stockholm Syndrome from BM. I can't even express how badly I feel about that but I'm sick of being used for BM's convenience.. SD has said she wants to come here for college but if she is so dependent on BM and barely passes high school, why would I want her here?

He truly can't understand that our bio kids will have extremely different living situations versus SD coming from a broken home. He thinks it's his duty to be SD's savior because her mom is a POS. Will my only option be divorce in 3 years? I don't want my bios to have a broken home because DH can't give up being a Disney Dad.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

Has SD been bouncing back and forth between you guys and BM based on SD and/or BM's feelings? Have they ever had a CO agreement? Would having her primarily live with BM but visit you guys on a predetermined schedule (that you have a say in helping create) be a compromise? It should be you and DH who make the decision of what goes on in your home, not SD. 

sadlonelyone's picture

All based on BM's feelings. They had a CO but agreed to stop CS when we moved almost 2 years ago- as long as BM had 100% control.

We were seeing SD on breaks before but, of course, always last minute planning. I'm just going to start buying the tickets myself so we save money as long as SD still wants to visit.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That's a big problem for me, having no control over who is living in or staying in my home and when. I find that if i feel a sense of control over things, i am willing to tolerate more than if i'm just being told what's going to happen. Having responsibility without authority is miserable and i think a big reason why so many stepparents get to a point where they are just done as far as skids go. 

tog redux's picture

Honestly - you might send one of your bio kids to live with the other parent, if you were divorced and she was behaving the way SD is. Or if you were married to someone who didn't want her living there for college, you might agree to that.

He really can't compare the two things, it's apples and oranges. And he also really needs to stop just caring what HE wants and listen to you. Why does she have to come live there for college? Can't she go live at college somewhere, or stay with BM? This is not only his decision, it's your home, too.  Yes, it's his kid, but it's NOT your kid, and that makes a difference.

Jcksjj's picture

^agreed. I've heard of plenty of parents who ended up sending their kids to live fulltime with the other parent because the kid listened to them better, or had a schedule that allowed them to supervise teens more or whatever reason. It doesn't mean the parent was a deadbeat, its just what arrangement worked better for whatever reasons. I feel like there's so much parent shaming now that its drilled into people's heads that people need to put everyone and everything after their kids, regardless of the cost to others.

sadlonelyone's picture

SD thinks she wants to go to college out of state, but of course that's at a cost. The high school we had her in was an early college school and she is going back to the same school she was failing back home so I don't have hopes of her having any college credits at graduation. She will have to repeat her sophomore year so I guess she won't graduate until 2024 now.

Tried out's picture

that if a significant other told me my 14 year old kid wasn't allowed to live with me again - assuming s/he wasn't a danger to anyone, on drugs, horribly disruptive, etc. - I'd be out the door. 

tog redux's picture

She's talking about when the child is over 18 and going to college.

You'd be okay with your partner's 14-year-old going back and forth between homes and you having no say in it?

Tried out's picture

could weigh in here because I'm not seeing what you're saying about it only applying to college.

And yes, I stand by my previous comments. 

tog redux's picture

"SD has said she wants to come here for college but if she is so dependent on BM and barely passes high school, why would I want her here."

And in her last blog, she says DH is "hands off", so she has to do all the parenting, basically.  I'd leave anyone who insisted their kid live with us and then refused to parent the kid, personally.

Tried out's picture

That's the flip side of what I'm saying. Anytime you give an ultimatum you have to be sure it's your absolute, final hill to die on. In the case of banishing a SK from your house, now and till forever, you have to realize that it could end your marriage. Our different positions prove that - if you were in OP's position, and SO didn't agree, you'd leave. I would leave if my SO said my kid couldn't live with us without serious reasons for his/her banishment. 

End game: lose-lose. I don't see how this can have anything other than a unhappy ending.

sadlonelyone's picture

I don't want her living here again, to be honest. She is seriously enmeshed with BM and I don't see that changing when she's 18. Even if she does move back, I know she'll be back to BM in a year.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I just had the same conversation with SO. OSD is not welcome in my home. If he wants to see her she can go to his mother's house.

She has caused enough damage as far as I am concerned, I am putting my foot down. SO didn't argue or disagree. I am not against her coming for a day visit but she is not staying here overnight.

Dogmom1321's picture

If she is doing so poorly in school, I wouldn't worry about her moving back for college. When you talk to DH, discuss a launching plan for ALL kids. That way he can't pull the "you hate my kid" card. 

After 18, would all kids be expected to either have a job or go to college? What will they contribute to household expenses? What will they contribute to chores around the house? What would the timeline be to get them on their feet? A year? A full four years of college? ASAP?

I would take this approach. I have my own son OTW, and I wouldn't turn him away either, but there WILL be stipulations if he is here after 18. 

NattyLocsQueen's picture

I would definitely let her go stay with her mom. Nobody have time for a child to keep playing one against the other. If your husband don't understand that, that is his problem not yours. He needs to be on one accord with you since yall are married. He doen't understand what you are dealing with because he never bothered to imagine himself in your shoes at all. 

ESMOD's picture

I don't know.. I think your right for not wanting to play revolving door with her.. allowing her to ping pong between homes on a whim... allowing her to avoid consequences.

But,  I don't 100% see you absolutely "forbidding" her coming back to live there in the future given certain circumstances.  Surely if she were in some risk.. her mom died.. she had graduated and perhaps did want to go to college closer to your place and had been behaving responsibly etc..

I see you saying "you can't come back" as don't treat our home as an escape then ditch us when you are over your snit.