Sorry ...this one is very long...

When I arrivesd at SD's home, I followed her texted instructions and let myself in. SD was in the spare bedroom and was in bad shape. Sweat was pouring off her, making her whole body slick. She was lethargic and shaking uncontrollably. Every few minutes, she retched like she was going to vomit but didn't. She said she couldn't vomit because her stomach was empty. When I asked how long she'd been in this situation, she said she hadn't been able to keep food down for a "few days". What I know now, but didn't at the time, was that there's a condition called cyclic vomiting syndrome that happens to some people who have panic attacks. The stress triggers an immune response from the body and it's difficult to interrupt without sedatives and anti-emitics. I can't say for sure that that was what was happened, but it's my best guess. I asked SD if she'd spoken to her psychiatrist and she said that she had tried but that she received a response saying she was no longer a patient. She also told me that she had stopped taking her antidepressant. I've never been able to completely understand what happened with the psychiatrist and the medication because the  priority at the time was to get SD stabilized. And shortly after this incident, SD cut me out of her life. I tried to convince SD to let me take her to the hospital, but she refused. So I used a medical app that provides on-line appointments with doctors for a fee. (Yes, despite our universal health care system, Canada has a two-tier system). The doctor we giot also recommended going to the hospital. When SD refused, the online doctor agreed that it was okay for SD to take the sedative I brought but said that she couldn't prescribe more online. She did prescribe the antidepressants that SD had previously been on, and said that it would take a while for them to work, but hoped that having them in hand (rather than waiting to get to her own doctor on Monday) would provide some degree of emotional relief. At one point, the doctor said that she wanted to ask SD some personal questions and I stood up to leave the room. SD reached out and grabbed my arm, to let me know that she wanted me to stay. I hadn't realized how bad the shaking was until she did that. My whole body shook. I was so uneasy about the condition she was in. I've seen a lot through my career, and I'm not easily unnerved, but I was now. Mind you, this was happening to someone I loved, not a client. After the appointment with the doctor, I gave SD the sedative and a sleeping pill, and I left the room. SIL had come into the house at this point (he had been working in the garden when I arrived) and was in the living room playing a video game. He thanked me profusely for coming and for arranging the online doctor appointment. This was the first time I'd seen or spoken with him since the Easter incident, and I was relieved that everything seemed okay between us. But I was also a little confused about why he didn't seem to be as distressed as I was about SD's condition. I told him that the prescription was being sent to the pharmacy and that I could go pick it up, or I could stay at the house while he picked it up, adding thay I didn't think SD should be alone. SIL said he could pick it up, and kept playing his game. I was shocked, and didn't know what to do. The mama bear inside of me was being triggered and I tried to tamp her down. I just looked at SIL and he said "oh, do you want me to get them now?". I said yes, and he went to go get them. When he returned, I asked him if he knew why SD had stopped taking her antidepressants. He said he wasn't sure and then started talking about his own mental health experiences. It was odd. My SD was in the next room, in terrible shape, and he was chatting. So, I let my mama bear out a bit. I started by apologizing (again) for the incident with my mother. I told him I wished I could go back in time and handle it better. I told him that I hoped it never happened again but that if it did, I would handle it whichever way he thought best. I told him that I would host duplicate events if he didn't feel comfortable seeing my mother again. Then I motioned to the room SD was in and I said "but this can't happen". He was surprised. He said "oh, you think this has to do with that? No, no, we're good now". I was incredulous. Did he honestly not think that this breakdown wasn't related to their fight?? I said "it's absolutely related". I wanted to tread carefully in terms of the information SD had shared with me, so I said that when SD came to our home, she focused on his feelings and advocating for him. But I said she seemed "small" and "shamed" and that I didn't think that the "punishment fit the crime". SIL seemed affronted and crossed his arms across his chest. So I waited for his response. I was prepared for him to be defensive. Instead he dropped his arms and said "okay". At that point I said I was going to head home. I told him that I loved him, and I loved SD, and that I loved the two of them as a couple, and that I would do anything I could to support them. He walked me to the door, again thanking me profusely for coming and helping, and told me yo say hello to DH and the (my) kids. 
 

That night, SIL took SD to the emergency room and they gave her fluids, sedatives and antemitics. She seemed to bounce back a bit but then the vomiting continued. Her mother took her to her own home to care for her and she seemed to do better but started vomiting again when she returned home. We started to wonder if there was something in the home that she was allergic to. This went on for a couple of weeks and she returned to the ER at least one more time. The vomiting was finally controlled with stronger antiemitics and she was on the mend. 
 

Another couple of weeks went by and SD's (31st) birthday arrived (this was the end of May 2022). DH, DD23, and myself met SD and SS at a restaurant. We knew that SS's SO wasn't coming because she was tied up at work. We were surprised that SIL wasn't there. When DH asked if SIL was working, SD said "no", and DH dropped it. Then another weird thing happened. While chatting about another family member and that  member's new girlfriend, who is Asian, SS made a comment to me that was a thinly veiled accusation of racism. I was shocked. My DD also picked up on it. DH thought nothing of it. Overall though, it was a nice evening, and SD gave me a tight hug when we said goodbye. 
 

The next day, DH and I both reached out to SD, independently, to ask if we should be concerned about SIL not attending. She told us that she understood that our focus had turned to her health but that it was a problem that nobody had apogized to SIL and that it wasn't okay that we were trying to "sweep it under the rug". She communicated this via text and the tone was condescending. Like she was scolding us. I was astounded and I told her so. I told her that I had apologized three times - the night of the incident, the morning after the incident, and at their home. She responded that I would need to speak to SIL about the conversation at their home, because he remembers it differently. My DH, who at this point hadn't apologized, and is very uncomfortable with any family conflict, texted SIL immediately and apologized for hurting him and told him he loved him. SIL responded and said that he wanted the 4 of us to meet in person to discuss it. I'm not going to lie. I was fed up. In the month that had passed since the incident, DH had experienced the deaths of 2 people close to him, my DD had become progressively sick with what turned out to be an autoimmune disease but hadn't been diagnosed yet, my ex-husband (and father of my kids) had his leg amputated due to infection related to chemotherapy for stage 4 cancer, and I was in the process of being assessed myself for a rare autoimmune disease with a terrifying prognosis. My thought was: wtf is wrong with you? How can you possibly have expected us to still be focused on you and that incident?? Why didn't you just come to the birthday dinner and allow us all to move on as a familly?? Even my DS20, who had been SIL's biggest advocate, said that SIL was now trying to hold us emotionally hostage. But, DH agreed to the "meeting" and I was expected to attend. I told SD that I didn't think it was a good idea (at this point I still didn't know how much SIL knew about SD's visit to us and her description of their fight). But I told SD if that if that's what  she wanted, I would attend. 
 

I didn't end up attending. And I wonder often if I should have and if that would have made any difference.  The day of the meeting, which was to take place at 6:30 at SD's house, I was having Pulmonary Function testing. The AI disease I was being assessed for attacks cartilage. Our airways are made up of cartilage, and the disease can cause them to collapse. I understood that I would blow in a tube a few times, no big deal. As it turned out, the testing was painful, which was an indication that my airways were compromised. I was freaked out. It took me over an hour to get home in rush hour traffic, the whole time perseverating on this potential diagnosis. When I got home, it was 5pm and I was emotionally spent. And irritated that despite everything else going on, I was still being summoned by SIL over a situation that I didn't create and had already repeatedly apologized for. So DH texted SD and SIL and told them it would be just him atttending. SIL said "no problem". DH went. They talked. SIL brought up my "punishment didn't fit the crime" comment and said he didn't know what that meant, DH explained that we both felt that he had been too hard on SD. When DH left, SIL literally said "the air is clear". 
 

The next morning I texted both SD and SIL and apologized for missing the meeting. DH had explained my health situation to them. I said I hoped they understood that my missing it wasn't due to a lack of caring. Neither responded. Two days went by. Still no response. (Not to mention no "I hope you're okay"). I texted them both and said "okay then. I guess no response is a response". What followed was a flurry of texts accusing me of using my health as an excuse for not taking responsibility, excusing my mom's racism, protecting my mom from embarrasment by not calling her out, and implying that SIL was abusive. And then they cut me and my kids out of their lives. SD has repeatedly told DH that ahe cannot have a relationship with me until I apologize, face-to-face and genuinely, for "attacking SIL's character". DH has repeatedly defended me and asked them to "come to the table" to work things out. At one point he suggested bringing in a mediator. But SD has held firm. No apology from me, no discussion. The thing is, I'm not sorry, I'm sorry that SIL was hurt by my comments, but I'm not sorry for the comment itself. 
 

This has been going on for well over a year. DH has virtually no relationship with SD, no relationships with his extended family members (who heard a very different version of the story from DH and also demanded my apology to SIL) and his relationship with SS30 his hanging by a thread. And...SS and his SO just got engaged and are expecting us to attend their engagement party in 2 weeks. 
 

For those of you who have been following my story and providing advice and feedback, I truly thank you. It's been cathartic to write this all down and to know that the people reading it had relate to the difficult dynamics at play.