Not Sure What To Do
After 8 years of being her full-time parent, my SD has decided that everything bad in her life is because of me. My DH and I went on a well-deserved trip for a couple of days. SD had done well on her own before, but decided to break every rule while we were gone. We couldn't reach her at home, she had a party, etc. She called her BM when it appeared we were questioning her actions and complained bitterly that I was trying to make a story out of nothing - accusing her unjustly. Her BM told her to write a letter with what she did and what she was supposed to do, what was upsetting to her and how she could make amends. Of course, she didn't tell her mom all her misdeeds and wrote me an accusatory letter - I'm always trying to make her look bad, etc. The letter was a pack of lies and she told us the same thing with no shame whatsoever. A couple of calls and we found out the story about the party. We also found out about a boyfriend we knew nothing about, so God only knows what happened here that night. And we found out she is buying and smoking pot... I asked her to rewrite her letter with the truth and she lied in the letter again. Her dad is very disappointed, as is her BM (who is now involved since SD has been playing parents against one another for a long time), and grounded her for lying so intently. Being an easy target as a stepparent, she acted out by blaming me and saying that I don't allow her to express herself and she is always worried she will be in trouble, etc. Honestly, I really don't think I have treated her with such repression. Both she and her dad believe that anger is very bad and that it can never be expressed. Well, I do and did express some anger by telling her that I felt like my home had been violated and by asking several times who was here. If I speak with any passion in my voice at all it is considered "yelling." I tell you, I grew up with a family that yelled and this is not yelling!
Long story short, DH and I have had some amazing fights over his daughter's actions and we are living separately now. Separately means I am upstairs and DH set up an apartment downstairs. DH and I are trying to spend time together, but he is also monitoring SD's behavior, which limits that time. And I am truly at the end of my rope. I have taken care of this kid, loved her, participated in all her activities in school, and I thought we had a decent relationship. We are all going to counseling, but I haven't talked to her for a month and missed her 17th b-day. I left a card, but she wouldn't open it. I truly can't take another 1.5 years of this and am wondering if anyone has survived this type of situation with their marriage intact? I read the essay on disengaging and have obviously done that by leaving, but I'm not sure how to re-enter the family and continue to disengage. I try to remember that she is just a kid, but many of you know how hard it is to be a stepmom. It's times like this that I wonder what I was thinking!
Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.
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Comments
Steve said it right...
Your SD may not change and part of her behavior might be teenage rebellion.
However, we as parents often tell our kids no -- "Don't touch the stove its hot" or "Don't play basketball on the interstate" - thats not being mean, its living up to our parental responsibilities.
Yes, the actions of children may cause problems between parents, but the adults have to decide whether the adult relationship comes first or the kids come first. A good home does not come from letting the kids do what makes them happy or having them come first, it comes from the adults having a happy, healthy, loving relationship. That creates stability. The happiness spreads and the kids should be part of that love. Whether they are step children or biological children.
Living in different parts of the house because of SD's behavior isn't good for anyone.
The SD's attitude towards you might not change for a long time -- she is a teenager after all -- but you and your husband need to look at whats happening. Its not healthy for either of you, or the SD.
Kevin
Listen to the boys!
Kevin and Steve both got it 100%. The best thing any parents - step or bio - can do for any kids in their lives is be an example of how to love, commit to and respect others. Having a strong marriage is the best security you can give them. Stepkids have already endured the splitting of their parents. They need to feel safe that they won't relive that with their parent and stepparent. Marriage has to be the first priority. Kids grow up and move on. Your life partner is who will be left with you in the end. You simply must nurture that relationship first.
As for disengaging and detaching. It's not a physical thing, but an emotional one. And it's pretty true that in the beginning, until it becomes old hat to you, you just have to fake it until you make it. That means you don't allow anyone - SD or DH - the privilege of getting a reaction out of you.
Extreme example: SD goes into your closet with a pair of scissors and cuts an expensive leather jacket to shreds. You bring it in, hand it to DH and say, "Your daughter destroyed my jacket. Please replace it at your earliest convenience or reimburse me $_____ and I will replace it myself. Thank you." And if he doesn't give you the money, then you pack up anything SD has at your house that's worth anything, you take it to a pawn shop and you take the money and replace what she destroyed. This is kind of extreme, but do you get what I'm saying? You don't let them have your emotions. You don't let them dictate your emotions. You be businesslike even if it KILLS you. It'll get easier over time. You take the emotional investment out of it and focus on cause and effect... she supplies the cause, you supply the effect. But you do it in a calm, cold, rational, businesslike way. She did X, so the conseqences are Z. Hubby doesn't have to agree. Your home, your property, your life. You have equal say.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
I feel your pain
My SD is not quite 13, and I have had to hear over and over that she can't be "herself" at our house. What she means is she can't be her narcaisstic, selfish side here because we have four kids total. At her mom's she can be whatever she wants, BM encourages rude behavior (putting others down to make yourself feel better etc) and SD has her wrapped around her little finger. Of course BM only has to handle her about 1/4 the time we do so she just ignores her when she bugs her- at BM's SD has an attic appartment size room and stays up there most of the time.
But luckily, there are times when SD gets it, and I just hold onto those times. Remember....your SD is almost 18! I would hold on a little longer if you really love DH and want to work it out. Just imagine what life will be like once she's on her own! Obviously she is looking externally for happiness and blame when she doesn't find that happiness. I remember not appreciating what my mom did for me until I was on my own completely-and even then not fully until I had kids of my own.
It's not about you or your parenting at all. She is a self-obsessed teenager, they use whatever they can to cope with all their insecurities, and you're right- you're the easiest target.
Peace, love, and red wine
Thanks!
Thanks for your comments. You did hit it right on the head with the strong couple thing. This is my DH's 4th marriage and, while I can't speak for him, being in this for 8 years, I can see that his kids are always first for him - even the grown ones. His wives/ex-wives are always responsible for the demise of the marriage - "she was controlling," "she was crazy." (I am starting to resemble the last comment - I am feeling a little crazed : ) It is not a healthy dynamic and I have really related to some of the posts by people saying "is it possible for me to be the only person in this relationship that needs to change?" If you met him, you would see a kind, caring, loving man.
I've asked him to spend more time with me. I've asked him to talk to me first so we can present a united front with discipline, etc. But he likes to have a family meeting and announce things that I have no idea about. (That is a real trigger for my rage.)Honestly, I think he could call a family meeting and announce we're getting divorced without ever talking to me about it! I so appreciate a man's view of this too - it is really helpful to hear the guys say the relationship has to be first!
And Anne - thanks for the extreme disengagement! I know my SD would never do anything like that. She is hidden and like a little volcano under a very cool exterior. Her destruction is much quieter, as is her dad's, and that is why I'm not living with them right now. It is an awful arrangement, but for the short term, it is better than having her up here. It is going to take a little more counseling before I can live with the two of them. The biggest deal for me right now is feeling like such a failure. I thought is was all going along okay and WHAM - I am the cause of everyone's misery. It was a real shock. Our relationship obviously needs to end in its current form - the trick will be to reform it at this point. My DH and I are not youngsters and I've been around long enough to know that the grass is never greener - everyone has their stuff. We have everything it takes to have a good relationship, and have in the past, it's these darn kids...
Thanks again for your insights.
Roselin
And More Thanks
Just tried to post and the post was lost forever in some Failure code...
Zenmom - Maybe more red wine is the answer! Thanks for your insightful answer too. Focus on taking care of myself and the relationship, don't take it personally, be patient. Geez - it sounds so simple. If it will bring sanity - I guess I'll give it a shot. I just wish there was a handbook for all this stuff!
The thing I really like about this website is that it makes me feel so less alone on this journey. And my problems seem so less severe than many I have read. Yeah - BM is a pain - aren't they all? DH has never been a stepparent and all the kids (including in-law kids) and myself have had stepparents that they HATED (my stepmom and I are very close now). I didn't have a chance, so I really shouldn't take it personally. I don't have my own kids either, so don't really understand the bond that biology brings. However, I've always thought if we all treated all kids like they were our own - it would be a better world. Now I realize we'd all be stark raving lunatics : )
Happy Thursday! Thanks again all of you for your sage words.