So hurt. LONG
I had posted before about my 14 YO daughter and my 12 YO son giving me problems. A couple of weeks ago, I asked them if they wanted to live with their father full-time. They both, without hesitation, said "yes". I told them that I loved them, but I wanted them to be happy. So they live with XH2 full-time now. The issue is that now, they completely ignore me.
I used to be close to my BD14; now I'm blocked from her Facebook page. They won't return my phone calls. They don't want to come and visit me ever. My BS18 (who was molested by their BF) and my BD6 are so hurt by this. BD6 is still with both of us 50/50, although who knows what will happen in court in January. I'm still fighting for full physical and legal custody of all 3 of the kids with XH2.
Yes, I still think that they are in danger. But they were calling the police with false allegations of child abuse against ME. Not their dad, who they've seen hit their grandmother, their aunt, me, and their brother. Their attorney kept saying that because they were calling the police, she was worried that if they weren't taken away from me that they would wind up with CHINS and put in foster care. Their attorney is fully siding with the two kids and XH2, even though she is also supposed to represent my BD6, who wants to keep to the 50/50 schedule. She hasn't spoke to BD6 since July; she only talks to BD14 and BS12.
I'm just so hurt. I was the parent who accepted their friends and BD14's boyfriends. I never yelled at their friends or their friends' parents like XH2 did. Now those same parents hate me and love him, because of the wild stories BD14 has told them. I didn't do anything to deserve this hatred, except stand by my BS18 while he is going through the difficult process of pressing charges against XH2 for molesting him. Don't their brother and I count for anything? We used to be so close, and I miss the kids that they used to be. But when they are here as they currently are, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my own home. The police and their attorney have told me that I'm not allowed to discipline them either. Honestly, if they stay the way that they are, they make everyone here, including BS18 and BD6 miserable. My Boyfriend is afraid to hang out with them alone in case they start making up stories about him, and I can't blame him. I just don't know what to do.
I hoped that by not forcing a relationship on them, that they will eventually see their father for the monster he is, and come back to me. Or they would see that I'm the one that loves them enough to let them figure this out on their own without forcing my will on them. At this point though, I don't think they will ever love me again. And my heart is broken.
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They will grow and learn,
They will grow and learn, there's really nothing to be done! It's horrible not to be able to see their smiling faces every day, I can empathize with that one. Teenagers, one in jail and the other one dropped out of school and decided the grass is greener at his mother's.
If, or until, they outgrow their 'dramatic' phase I think I would let it be. Call once a week, send a card birthdays and holidays. They are going to lie about the situations anyway so there's absolutely NO point in justfying your own self, is there? People who know you personally know what's going on and to hell with everyone else...right?
I wish you well, can I suggest that you maybe take up a couple of those things on your bucket list you often promised yourself you'd do when you 'had the time'? I have a HUGE list of those 'to do' things.
In your research, have you
In your research, have you found that in time, the kids resume a relationship with the parent that they had previously rejected? Or do they typically end things for good?
First, my condolences for
First, my condolences for what you and your kids are having to deal with.
Second .... why the hell would any parent turn the decision to live with a molester over to a child? :?
Now you have to put your foot up the kid's asses and put the molester in prison.
My wife has always given SS-19 absolute clarity that she has custody and that SS would never live with the SpermIdiot until he aged from under the CO. Interestingly when things would get tense in our home he never once threatened to go live with DickHead. Any time we asked if he was thinking about going to live with his SpermIdiot and the SpermClan he would say "This is my home, why would I want to be anywhere but my home. Besides, they can barely afford to feed all of us when I am on visitation. They could not afford for me to live there."
We did not do everything perfectly in our blended family but we damned sure did not abdicate our authority and responsibility for making decisions as parents to a child.
If I were in your situation I would drag my kids home by the short and curlies and I would own my Xs abusive molesting ass and do everything possible to make sure he was Bubba the lifers prison bitch picking up soap in the prison showers for the next decade or two.
Good luck.
@Rags: That's the thing. In
@Rags: That's the thing. In my house, I'm the boss. That is, until the kids have an attorney assigned to them to represent them in court, and they tell her lies and say that I'm abusing them. I'm the boss of my house, until I ground the kids and take away their cell phones, then have the police at my door saying that I'm abusing them and that they will arrest me. I'm the boss in my house, until I decide to not stay in the same religion as my XH2, and that gets spun in court that I'm a devil worshipper.
There is an investigation going on, but the problem is that I didn't know about the molestation until 5 months after the last incident (this is not unusual in rape cases). By then, almost all of the physical evidence is gone. And because he is a city councilor, they are being very thorough and meticulous. Unfortunately, the custody case is going by more quickly, and they are using the fact that there has been no arrests against me in the custody case as "proof" that I'm lying about the molestation and putting my kid up to it.
Until he's arrested, he still has the same rights to the kids that any parent does. And since my kids are lying FOR him, until he's arrested or my judge miraculously sees through the kids' and his attorney's BS, I'm screwed. Additionally, my attorney is pushing me to settle, which will make things harder for the criminal case. So I'm in limbo, and the parent who caters most to the kids while in limbo is the one who looks best in court. I can't even get a restraining order against him anymore!
If he abused your oldest son,
If he abused your oldest son, why give the others the option of going to live with him?
No $hit!!
No $hit!!
"If he abused your oldest
"If he abused your oldest son, why give the others the option of going to live with him?"
Because, according to family court, since he hasn't been convicted, he still has a right to parent his kids. It doesn't matter to them that there is an ongoing investigation; until he is convicted, he still has the right to have access to them. Trust me, I'm trying for full legal and physical custody now.
However, while he has them, he is PASing them against me. And he has his whole family backing him up, while I have no family. And he has them call their attorney with wild stories about how I am abusing them. When they are with me, they trash my house, then take pics of the mess and forward it to their dad, saying that my house isn't fit to live in. If I make them clean it up, they call the police on me and say that I'm scaring them. And since XH2 is a city councilor in our city, the police are afraid to go against him and risk their jobs. Reporting him to the state hasn't gotten me anywhere so far, because I have no documentation backing things up. The police say that they "changed their minds, as new evidence came to light".
I hate, hate, hate that they are there. I hate that they won't speak to me so that I know that they are OK. But until either I win full custody or the criminal case result in a conviction, I can't have them here. They try to get me arrested on false abuse allegations. They bully my BS18 into dropping the charges against their dad. And they put my custody of BD6 in jeopardy. On top of it, their attorney won't look at my own history of having restraining orders against him, and totally believes what BD14 and BS12 say. She doesn't listen to BD6, who is very happy with us.
If I keep them here, I run the risk of the cops getting sick of getting calls to my house, and just arresting me. Then where will that leave BS18 and BD6? Without the one parent who cares about them. BS18 just turned 18, and we are having a hard time navigating the legal system. No one wants to do the medical exam necessary to collect evidence against XH2. His PCP wouldn't do it. The local ER wouldn't do it. The only other facility that can do it has said that they only do it for males who are minors. The DA had to beg them to do it. How can I expect DS18 to manage this alone without my support? Having the other 2 kids here meant that the focus was on them and their trouble making. We couldn't even go to therapy, because the kids would report to XH2 what was being said!
I know that it seems wrong to let them go there, but they were putting the well-being of my 2 other kids at risk by being here. I hate the idea that to save two, I had to let go of two. I pray every day that they aren't being hurt, that they know that I didn't abandon them, and that someday they come back to me. I often compare it to parenting a kid with a drug problem. While I fight, they have a bond with XH2. If I give them nothing to fight about, then they will see XH2 for what he really is, because he will turn on them next. It's the only way that I can help them in the long run.
But you didn't have HAND THEM
But you didn't have HAND THEM to him without a fight. $hit, why would you just roll over and hand your kids over to a pedophile?
UN.BE.LIEV.A.BLE.
I am fighting. I am in court
I am fighting. I am in court every other week fighting. I am going broke fighting. The problem is that the courts give teens the power to decide where they want to go. And my teens have decided that they will live with dad, or they will get me arrested on false abuse charges. Also, maybe you didn't read that he is a city councilor. Which means, he determines the budget for the police department, and whether or not they get raises.
So I am fighting. But until I catch some kind of a break with the courts, my hands are tied. If I get arrested and convicted on false abuse charges, then ALL of the kids are with XH, and there will be no one there for my BS18 while he goes through the criminal court system to convict this bastard.
I just wanted to say I'm so
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about your situation. I really hope things work out. I think this one will have to take some time. The truth will be undeniable once all of the evidence is collected
They have been severely
They have been severely PAS'd. You may have to accept that they are out of your life for now. As hard as that is, it may be best for your other two children. We gave up custody of SD because she didn't want to be here. She is in a horrible living situation with her mother and there is nothing we can do about it. My DH has no relationship with her and really doesn't want to anymore. It was hard for him to accept. But, he realized that for the good of SS13, he needed to let her go and focus on him.
It is not easy and I don't want to minimize the loss, but they sound like little brats that Daddy is pulling the strings on and it is not going to get better until they get what they want and even then, they may never be happy.
Thanks. Yes, they are acting
Thanks. Yes, they are acting like brats. My oldest D is dating a boy who is working on XH's reelection campaign, and that is why she is so keen on staying with dad, as this boy refuses to meet with me. My BS12 is just following her lead, and has always idolized his dad.
I am fighting this in court, but if I fight for them emotionally, it will push them away from me further. It already has; I tried forcing them to interact with me and their brother. That resulted in more calls to the police for false allegations, picking on BS18, picking on me, and even getting to the point where they were starting to pick at my boyfriend. I can't force them to love me; they have to do this on their own.