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I'll always be in BM's shadow

ravennakool's picture

Lately it just seems that everyone in DH's life will always have a preferance to BM over me. it's been a year since her "glow-up" and she's drop dead gorgeous. I caught DH checking her out at Wal-Mart and he even called me her name during sex awhile back  Against my better judgement, I went through his phone and they weren't communcating about anything except the kids. That lead to a pretty bad fight. Things did settle down for a bit....Until Bm started sending treats with the skids. She's been "discovering" herself again and now she's the topic of choice for everyone. She'll send cookies, pastries, or whatever goodies she makes with the skids(OSS16, YSS14, SD13) in bulk. Normally this wouldn't bother me how ever lately all the skids will talk about is BM and how great she is. I don't usually care as she's very low conflict but every sentence is about her. DH's entire family have her on a pedestal. She and DH were high school and college sweethearts. She was only 19 when she lost both her parents. Since then, DH's famiy essentially took her in. I always did believe that my MIL favored BM over me. She's not rude or condescending in anyway. There's a  difference between our she is with me vs how she was/is with her.

DH's friend circle till this day just adores her. He's had the same circle of friends since his their college days. The wives all had issues with her initally because all their husbands had crushes on her. Basically she was great. Even post divorce, BM is still close with many of DH's friends. Her and 3 of the wives  work out together. 

It's only been 6 weeks since I've at our second child and I'm a mess. I don't feel like myself anymore.  Anytime I hear Bm's name, It have to leave the room because I feel I'll lash out. Just a few days back, I had to listen to Skids talk about how BM planned a huge get together inviting all of their friends and famillies. She even made food seperate for my in-laws on dropped them off at their house. They loved that btw!

I can't get a break!! BM THIS. BM THAT. I don't want to hear about her anymore. If DH wants to listen (and he does) go for it. I don't need to nor want to hear about his ex wife.....





classyNJ's picture

Whoa!! He called you by HER name during sex?!  That would have been the ending for me and I'm pretty hard to piss off!

Have you talked to DH about how talking about her all the time bothers you?  The SS's would do this in the beginning.  They would say Oh DBDB has this and that, you should get his cuz my DBDB has it, etc.  I told them both that they cannot compare us as I was a different person.  After that, whenever they would say that stuff, DH would shut it down.  

They still talked about her, she is their mother, but no longer made me feel 2nd best.

ESMOD's picture

Wouldn't he still be married to her if she was what he wanted?  

Look, you can't really blame the kids for talking about their mother to an extent.. though some self awareness of how what they talk about might not be a topic that "everyone" wants to hear.. I can see them needing a bit of education on that.. by their father.



justmakingthebest's picture

1st remind yourself that she isn't the greatest thing ever or they would have never gotten divorced. While it's great that she is working on herself, you are feeling down after just giving birth! TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE!!! 

DH needs to pull his head out of his butt and start making you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world again. 

As for the Freudian slip... He is lucky you didn't castrate him on the spot...

ESMOD's picture

My dh has called me by his Ex's name a couple of times.. but only when I was making him so pissed off he was spitting teeth.. lol. it was habit.. if he was that mad.. it was her that he was mad at.

SeeYouNever's picture

Mine has done that too! He associates being frustrated and angry with her. He's also called the dog SDs name when she was being bad. Hahah

Petronella's picture

OMG same! The two times that DH has called me by the ex's name, it was when I was reminding him of her somehow. Once we were shopping in a store he didn't like, once we'd just had a power struggle over the correct way to paddle a canoe, LOL! 

I was still very angry when he did it and asked for and received an apology.

tankh21's picture

Your DH could still be hung up on the BM. I am insecure to a point because I know what the BM over here is like she even recruited OSS to try to break DH and I up. I just pretend like now it doesn't bother me and ignore the skids start talking about BM. I still find myself being having anxiety whenever my DH has to go pick up or drop off the skids at BM's house but I don't let him know that it bothers me. I just try my best to ignore anything to do with the skids or BM at this point. It's really hard sometimes but it can be done.

susanm's picture

I remember you blogging about her having a make-over and him drooling over her at Wal-Mart.  There was some comedy in that but the root of it surely stung.  Given that it has been a year since this "transformation", you would think that people would be over it.  What did she do?  Lose 100 pounds, get a facelift, hair extensions, and new wardrobe?  Even if she now looks like a combo of Angelina Jolie and a Victoria's Secret model, him calling you by her name during sex would be a major "come to Jesus" moment!

You just had a baby.  That is a rough time for any woman.  But you can use this to your advantage to lift your spirits.  When you are ready to get back into pre-baby shape, this will be the perfect opportunity to do it right.  Tell DH that, since he was so impressed with BM's transformation, he needs to assist you in yours.  So he can watch the baby while you go to the gym for yoga/spinning/zumba.  And the salon/spa for hair make-over/facial/massage/nails/and make-up consultation.  And the mall for flattering clothing as your body shape changes - on his credit card.  Call it a Freudian Slip tax/push present.  Smile

thinkthrice's picture

Perhaps reminding H that everyone's face slides off their skull eventually and eveyone's body moves to the basement floor UNLESS you have hundreds of thousands of $$$$ floating around to do "upkeep"  (afterall isn't that what CS is for?) /sarcasm tags OFF

susanm's picture

Unfortunately, they already know that.  But they seem to think that they deserve "hot" regardless of how much they have let themselves go.  Show me a fat guy in his boxer shorts scratching his b@lls on the sofa and I will show you someone who thinks that they could land a 25 year old 120 pound natural blonde if they REALLY wanted to.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I guarantee that what you think she looks like and what she actually looks like with no make up are entirely different things. 

I look attractive with make up at 43, but I wake up looking rough as anything, and if I were to go out of the house with no make up people would probably say I looked ill etc. So I am quite aware of what I really look like....

what makes YOU feel good? For some ladies it’s make up, for some it’s shoes. My step sister has a thing about nice belts. 

SeeYouNever's picture

I would not be able to take that either, I also just had a baby and I know how emotional it makes you. I feel extra strange when BM is mentioned even in a neutral way these days. Like can I just enjoy my baby and our family without being reminded of her??

I got in the habit of excusing myself out of the room whenever anyone talks about BM. Try it. Even if it's just you and your husband, take the baby and go somewhere else. You are able to control this part of your life. 

thinkthrice's picture

for Chef to stop saying "When the Girhippo and I were married...Blah blah blah BLAH blah BLAh"

advice.only2's picture

You will only be in BM's shadow because you put yourself there! Pull it together and think. If she was so amazing and wonderful wouldn't your DH still be happily married to her?

Just because the parent's are polite to her does not mean they like her, they might be just being polite so they can see their grandchildren often. Friends of his that know her also know her dirty little secrets and probably keep her around because they are used to her.

As for her throwing parties and baking for god and country, she has teenagers who are never around (trust me I know my 13 year old is never home and I have a ton of time on my hands). She is probably lonely and bored most of the time.

You have two small children who need you and your hands are full of raising tiny humans right now, rather than worry about your hair, your make-up, etc.

The fact that she had all that work done might be great now, but given time if you don't do upkeep it looks bad. I know a girl who has done a lot of work to herself and she started out gorgeous (I was envious) now she looks whittled down and hard, she is 37 and I am 43 and I look younger than her.

Be kind to yourself and stop focusing on her, focus on you and how awesome and beautiful you are. As for your DH smack him a good one for ever calling you her name.

momjeans's picture

Please dump this douchebag. You’re worthy of someone who’ll think the world of you. 

ndc's picture

I think you need to work on your self esteem before you accidentally do damage to your relationship with your husband.

He checked her out at Walmart?  If she made a major change in her appearance, that is natural.  He'd be looking to identify the differences, and heck, there's really nothing wrong with appreciating the difference.  Did he act on it?  Did he do anything to disrespect your marriage?  If not, remember that he has chosen YOU, and he's not with HER.

Your in-laws?  Remember that they've known BM for many years, and since she was quite young.  Those relationships tend to stick, especially since they stepped in as surrogate parents.  It's nothing against you, but you'll likely never have the same relationship.  My mom married my dad when they were in their 30s.  My uncle married my aunt (they're now divorced) when they were 21, after dating since they were 15.  My in-laws were always warmer and had a closer relationship with my uncle's ex than they did with my mom.  It had to do with length of the relationship and age when the relationship was forged than it did with who objectively was the better person, who was the better spouse, who treated the IL's son better, etc. 

The friends?  Maybe BM is just a good friend.  Maybe she makes people feel good.  Maybe she just buys their friendship with cookies.  Whatever.  There's no reason they can't be friends with both of you.  Put the requisite effort into the friendships if you want them.  The friends shouldn't have to choose.

I totally get where you're coming from.  I'm pregnant now, and I look and feel like a whale.  My confidence is not at its peak.  It's easy to compare yourself to an ex and think you're lacking.  But nothing you've written makes me think your husband thinks you're lacking.  I don't put much stock in a single instance of calling BMs name.  Now, IF I'm mistaken and your husband is not treating you like the beloved wife who just gave birth to his child, then ignore everything I've written.  Otherwise, I'd start working on self-esteem, and do what it takes to make you feel better about yourself.  

TheBrightSide's picture

You've just had a baby, and you're feeling insecure...insecure about the way you look and insecure about your relationship with your Husband's family.  Its normal to feel all weird after baby.  The hormones are raging, you're exhausted, you smell like baby vomit. 

You're a warrior!!  You just don't feel like one.

BM being her best self and mainting a good relationship with inlaws and friends, has nothing to do with you. Don't let BM infiltrate your thoughts. 

Concern yourself with YOU.  Live your life for you, your baby and your husband (and by extention the skids).  You are the number one person in YOUR life.  No one can change that.  Take the time now to love yourself.  Love the body that gave you your beautiful baby.  Love the person your husband married.  Take the time every single day to remind yourself what is GOOD in your life.  

Make sure to check in with your doctor and ensure you dont have PPD.  



Goodluck's picture

What the heck is a GLOW UP?

So she walks around  The Wal Mart...OMG--she must be a real gem.

Tell me he /you saw her at Nordstrom--THEN I might think different. But Walmart. Have you walked in there lately?

PLEASE do not think your bm's shadow. She is in the dust---remember that, ok? YOUR out in the front.