Normal (yes, we exist =P) BM looking for tips and thoughts
Hey!
My name is Raven. I'm not a step parent, nor will I ever become one. 
I'm here as a biological mother, with an ex. Now, before I'm bashed; I'm not here to be mean or anything. I'm here simply because I want tips on what I need to do to make a potential stepmother to my kids feel comfortable in her role. What I should expect from her, and what she should expect from me.
I say "potential", because my ex is still single. But I feel it's not a bad thing to start thinking about these things already. Being ready for filling my role is a good thing, isn't it? And what place is better to look for advice, than in the step parents territory. I hope you don't think I'm crossing a line here, I have only good intentions.
So far, I know I also have a part in how my children will treat their potential stepmother. My job is to make sure they understand she is an authority in their lives, even if she isn't their mother. This is something I think both parents need to express to their children. So no PAS as long as I have breath in me. My ex and I are good friends, so that might become an issue. Which is why I will keep the door open for a new woman in his life, to feel welcome to be a part of the friendship. And I don't think it would be natural to hang with my ex without her being there, too. I do have a new boyfriend, that comes along when it suits him. So no issues there.
I would be happy for any input on what you think I need to do, to ensure that my kids treat her with respect, and follow her rules and instructions as they do for my ex, my SO and myself. Any thoughts?
Oh, and I may reply to some of the blogs, but even if I may disagree, I don't mean any disrespect. I have been lurking around here for a couple of years already, and have some "favourite" SM's already. I have only admiration for them.
BTW, have you thought about how SM also could mean sado masochism? Seems to me, that is very descriptive for some of the relations described here. I can't belive the strength some of you have, to hang in there with the most evil kids in history...OMG! :jawdrop:
So, yeah...any advice?
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Just have to add: Neither my
Just have to add: Neither my ex or myself are Disney parents. I'd hit him hard on the head if he tried. And the same goes the other way around. Think any woman would handle a BM like myself..? :?
I just bookmarked this I'm
I just bookmarked this I'm going to send you two articles tomorrow that are the most insightful that I have come across but they are on my work computer.
These are stolen not written
These are stolen not written by me... I don't agree with every single thing but I think like anything else, every situation is different so here ya go...
What divorced moms should know about "the other women"
1. She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband.
Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that
includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs.
Some of them will grow to love their stepchildren and some won’t, but
they’re doing their best to ensure the child still grows up feeling
happy and loved.
They’re nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in
the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s
life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.
2. It’s not about YOU.
A stepmom’s priority is her marriage. When she does something for her
stepchild, often the motivation has nothing to do with you. It’s not
about trying to make you look bad or make you feel “less than.”
The motivation is the safety and happiness of her stepchild. The
motivation is the love she has for her husband.
She’s trying to do the right thing – just like you would.
Similarly, when she supports her husband, the intention is not to go
“against” you. In fact, there are times when stepmoms actually side
with mom, although — unless you have a decent relationship with the
stepmom in your situation — you’d never know it.
3. Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.
Stepmoms have no legal rights with their stepchild. They understand
this; their stepchild already has a mom and a dad. But it gets
difficult when they’re turned away for trying to obtain something as
simple as a library card for their stepson or stepdaughter. Or when
the doctor’s office won’t give them any information, even though they
will be the one driving the child to the appointment and giving them
their medication.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for stepmoms who have taken
care of their stepchildren since they were very small.
It can make a woman feel unimportant and insignificant. It’s a feeling
only a fellow stepmom could understand.
In addition, stepmoms are often powerless when it comes to their
stepchild’s behavior. This is a struggle, because they are greatly
affected by the unwanted behavior, but they don’t have the authority
to do anything about it. If they’re lucky, their husband will be
supportive and listen to their concerns, but this isn’t always the
case.
4. When you contact their household, it often feels weird and
disruptive. Stepmoms know you have the right to call your children as
often as you’d like. And they understand you need to talk to your ex
occasionally about parenting issues. But it can still feel like an
intrusion.
Stepmoms are constantly struggling to find ways to bond with their
stepchildren. And when you call, it interrupts the activity in the
house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding
that was going on is gone.
Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their
lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of
that.
5. Stepmoms don’t cross your boundaries on purpose, they just can’t see them.
Many moms complain that the stepmom is trying to “parent” their child.
But a fundamental problem seems to be, what moms consider “parenting,”
stepmoms consider “being responsible” or “supporting their husbands.”
Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.
They’re stumbling along, figuring it out as they go. And it’s
difficult to try and do the ‘right thing’ only to realize you’ve just
caused mom a coronary. It’s not intentional.
Stepmoms wish there was a rule book. They wish the situations were
black and white. They wish they could be on the same page as mom and
dad, and know how to handle every situation.
But they don’t.
This is where neutral, open communication would be to everyone’s advantage.
Unfortunately, for many stepmoms, their first experience of mom is an
emotionally-charged phone call, email or text telling her she has “no
right” to do whatever it is she did. To a stepmom, this feels like
you’re kicking her when she’s already down. It comes as a shock —
because again — her primary intention was to help her husband and care
for her stepchild.
6. A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing. And one
Boston study reported that 75% of the women who were surveyed said if
they had it to do all over, they would NOT marry a man with children.
That says a lot about the difficulties stepmoms face.
This may not mean much to you personally, but it means your children
will have to experience the prolonged process of a second divorce and
deal with the aftermath.
7. Stepmoms are often disrespected or ignored by their stepchildren.
There are various reasons for this, chief among them understandable
and agonizing loyalty conflicts for the child, but regardless — it
still hurts. Stepmoms are only human!
Life isn’t always flowers and butterflies at the other household. Many
children feel weird about having a stepmom. They don’t know what it
means or what to do with it, so they act out or just ignore the
stepmom, which is awkward for everyone.
And most stepmoms don’t have “unconditional love” to fall back on.
When a child misbehaves, wreaks havoc, or throws a tantrum, parents
may get angry and frustrated, but their unconditional love makes it
bearable.
Stepmoms aren’t so lucky. There’s no unconditional love coming to
rescue them from wanting to scream at their stepchild or run the other
way, sob somewhere private, and never look back. All they have are
difficult feelings and nowhere to put them.
But they do come back, day after day, because they believe their
marriage and their stepfamily are worth it.
8. A simple “thank you” can go a long way.
Stepmoms wish you’d give them even the smallest acknowledgement. For a
lot of women, being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve
ever done. Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules
aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t
create.
Many stepmoms take excellent care of their stepchild, with little or
no reward. They get no thank you, no love from the child, and no
appreciation from anyone but their husband — if they’re lucky.
They make many sacrifices in order to be with the man they love. So to
only be referenced as “she” (or even worse), or to be completely
ignored by you, can hurt them deeply. What they wouldn’t give for a
simple “thank you” or a nod in their direction.
I believe that kind of recognition can heal wounds.
Do stepmoms ever act from ego or a sense of competition with the ex-wife?
Sure, just as some moms do.
But it’s important to grasp the implications of a bigger context here:
being a stepmom is uniquely difficult and confusing. If you’re a mom,
could you see yourself struggling in her shoes?
and here is the second that
and here is the second that perhaps you can relate to some of, again as a BM I don't relate to everything but every situation is different.
"Why does my husband's ex wife hate me?"
1. She doesn’t hate you, she hates what you represent: The failure of
her marriage, the break up of her family, the woman her ex-husband
became a better man for, the fear that she might have ruined her
child’s life by not being able to make the marriage work.
2. She’s afraid her kids will love you more than they love her. An
irrational fear, as the chances of that happening are basically nil,
but a common fear nonetheless.
3. She perceives you as overstepping boundaries. This could include
showing up at a parent-teacher conference, forcing the kids to call
you mom (yes, that does actually happen), calling the kids “mine,”
posting pictures of the kids on your Facebook page, trying to
co-parent with her by responding to messages sent to your husband,
etc…
4. She perceives you as overstepping boundaries by participating in
events she believes are reserved for “mom” and participating in events
not only reserved for mom, but that are “firsts.” These might include:
taking your stepdaughter to buy her first bra or getting her first
haircut; participating in any sort of cosmetic experience (hair
color/new hair style/ mani-pedi day); talking to her about the birds
and the bees; painting her nails or coloring/cutting her hair the way
you like it or similar to yours (even if your step is a teen and she
requests this, it could still push mom’s buttons).
Think of any sort of milestone and you can be sure that mom wants to
be there for it.
5. She has unresolved grief about her divorce. For a long time she
could just ignore the painful feelings that accompany divorce. She
didn’t really have to face it. She may even be remarried, but never
actually grieved the loss of her marriage and family. Enter stepmom,
and suddenly it’s real and it’s in her face.
6. You act as a mirror for her. When she looks at your strengths, all
she sees are her weaknesses. If she never thought she was a good
business women and you own your own business, that insecurity is
magnified. Same could be said for your intelligence, physical
appearance, age, housekeeping skills, creativity, fashion sense, how
much her kids enjoy being around you and your happy marriage.
7. She perceives you as doing all the parenting while dad is “let off
the hook.” Stepmoms often help their husbands out with household
duties and life in general. That’s what a marriage is all about:
partnership. You shuttle the kids back and forth to school or help
with homework, you schedule appointments, etc… Often this has to do
with gender roles, but all mom sees is that at her house she’s doing
all the work while at yours you’re taking care of the kids and dad
“does nothing but works.”
8. Now that you’ve come along, dad is asking for more parenting time.
With your support, your husband may now see that he should exercise
his visitation more or that he’s now able to provide more stability
for his kids. In turn, he requests more parenting time and/or parental
input. You’d think this would be a good thing, but this change in
dynamic can be threatening and/or scary for mom. Not everyone likes
change. It’s easy for her to pinpoint your presence as being
responsible for this.
9. She doesn’t know you. When mom sends her kids off to be with their
dad, and this woman she doesn’t even know will have full access to
them, she can feel like she’s being a bad parent. She doesn’t
automatically trust you just because dad does. But at the same time,
she doesn’t necessarily want to meet you. A no-win situation for all
involved.
10. She sees her ex-husband being a different man with you. It can be
painful to see the man you think treated you so poorly, treating
another women like a princess. She might think he’s being a fraud, or
she might think “Why wasn’t I worthy of being treated like that?” She
might still be grieving the loss of her marriage while he’s moved on.
It’s nearly impossible for her to have good feelings towards you when
she’s still processing – or in denial of – the loss of her family.
11. You actually did something worthy of her negative feelings: Are
you consciously or subconsciously trying to make her look like a bad
mom? Are you trying to prove to your husband that you’re a better wife
than she was? Are you trying to make your stepkids love you more than
they love her? Do you try to show her up in any way? Do you want the
school faculty, PTA or your neighborhood moms to think you’re a better
caretaker than she is? Take a look at your behavior and your
motivations. You’re going to have to be honest with yourself to see
how you might be contributing to the high-conflict dynamic.
Thanks! I appreciate it. =) I
Thanks! I appreciate it.
I will read them tonight, when silence creeps back into the house.
Welcome! I really don't have
Welcome! I really don't have that much advice because I know some steps (my cousin-in-law, for example, is remarried, her ex is remarried, they do holidays together with their children, stepchildren, grandchildren, and stepgrandchildren, and everyone is friendly and happy) are good friends with each other, while others (our BM included) is unfortunately isolated from us due to her behavior.
That said, I am surprised your Bf lets you hang out with your ex alone. I (personally) think once attached, people should no longer hang out with the opposite gender alone, without their partner. I never forgot what my mother told me, when I said that I have a right to have guy friends--she said, "For the health of your relationship, don't do anything that may be even slightly misconstrued by your significant other. No one is 100% immune to jealousy or insecurity, and doing that means you are willing to put your partner's feelings on the line."
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, please don't take offense if the new woman in your ex's life does NOT want you and your ex to hang out/talk about anything other than the kids, and he respects her enough to follow her wishes. For myself at least, when a close guy friend got a girlfriend, I would stop hanging out with them or text or call them and dropped them down to just regular acquaintence-friends who I am always happy to see if we bump into each other. Because I love and care for my friends, I wanted their relationships to succeed as much as it can, and part of that meant removing myself from that "really good hang out friend" role. Relationships are hard enough to survive without someone else muddying up the waters. And if they came to me for "advice", I'd direct them to communicate with their partner rather than be their private counselor.
Everyone has different levels of security, and your ex may fall in love with someone who isn't as secure as you. As long as she doesn't abuse your kids, and is at least cordial to them, then I would stay away from their relationship unless invited.
I'm really glad you came to ask, btw. I can bet you and your ex are both really nice people, and chances are he will choose someone as open as you so you don't really have that much to worry about.
Thanks! =) I think the reason
Thanks!
I think the reason my SO doesn't feel bothered, is that he has seen my ex and I together, and seen that the chemistry we once had is completely gone. We just managed to keep the friendship we once had, before we got romantically involved. If my SO had had an issue with that, it wouldn't be the way it is today.
I don't intend to butt into a relationship between my ex and a future gf, but I want her to feel that if she is okay with the friendship, she is not to be excluded. Either way, I don't see that my ex and I will get into a fight if she is uncomfortably about it. I will in that case jest keep it strictly about kids, because I don't want his future gf see me as a threat, since I'm everything but. So there will be no hard feelings, and full understanding. And I have pointed that out to my ex, as well. When he find "the one", she needs to have priority way above me, and we can cooperate without spending time as friends. As I said, I want this potential SM feel that she get to chose her own role, even if that means that the friendship has to go. I'm not unreasonable.
I'm actually going to
I'm actually going to bookmark this too so I can follow the responses. My xh had one date only and it was a disaster b/c he took bs15 along with them (two yrs ago) and bs fell ice skating for the first time in his life while on this date with my x and his gf. It made me angry that xh had thought to take bs along for a date let alone expecting bs to be left on his own at age 13 skating for the first time ever while he was skating around with his gf. Dh and I often left ss home alone or took him but let him fend for himself if we were at the beach or boating but we always included him, whereas xh did not include bs at all. It made me wonder how I'd feel if xh started going out with a woman full time and if she moved into his house and if she had her own kids, etc. I am not sure what kind of birth mom I would be, I like to think I would be civil and not butt my nose into his business on what she did with my kid, but I am not so sure. I know that there have been times when I have wondered what Dh's ex has felt about me parenting her kid. I don't parent very much but he has lived with us since he was just 12 and I have been quite involved in certain areas of his life, like schooling and sports. This is a very interesting topic you brought up! NICE!
Way to go, messing up a kid.
Way to go, messing up a kid. Who takes the kid with on a first date..? Seriously...
I do partially agree.
I do partially agree. Everything will have to be redefined. But I know I wouldn't feel it particularly difficult. Since my ex has custody, I really hope he will find a woman that can give them the feminine input in their daily lives. Due to distance, I don't get to see them very often, so they don't have a feminine role model on a daily basis. And that's important, as they are teen and preteen. So I actually WANT this future SM to be a near-future-SM.
Maybe I am a bit weird afterall. :?
Just to add, again: I want
Just to add, again: I want her to find HER place. Telling her what her place is, is NOT my role. My role, is to make my kids cooperate, my ex is the one who is to help her find a role she is comfortable with. He also has the opinion that the kids only have one mother, so I know he will be able to guide her. Not my place, though. Since she will be a custodial SM, I understand I need to bite my tongue. I have my time with the kids, and as long as they are willing to trade the dates now and then (I live in a different country, so I may be unlucky and not get a ticket when I'm supposed to go there), I'm all good. Main thing is that she treats them right.
She and I would be the ones to figure out how to relate to each others, though. And I can only hope she would be the kind of woman who will be as willing to cooperate on friendly terms.
I'd meet her, ask her to be
I'd meet her, ask her to be kind and fair. I told my bios: you have a mom and a dad, and another man that loves you guys- respect their rules, they will only make you stronger. If she doesn't want to meet you, then respect that.
My ex has custody, so the
My ex has custody, so the future SM will have a significant role in their lives. That is also part of the reason I really want hr to feel that she gets the space she needs to find the role that suits her. I will offer a friendship, but she doesn't have to accept it. And no hard feelings if not. I can fully understand it.
I commend you for maintaining
I commend you for maintaining a friendship with your ex. I think it is the best for the kids in the long run. I can assure you I am the minority opinion on this site. I always focus on my kids first and the statement of loving my kids more than I dislike my ex is my mantra when dealing with my ex.
Regarding a new GF or potential SM- do not ever badmouth them around your kids. Allow your kids to respectfully talk to you if they desire but don't pry. Let them know its ok to like/love the GF/SM, that you know you won't be replaced. A friend of mine calls her kids stepmom- pinnochinose. I will admit her nose is huge, however this confuses her daughter and then her daughter begins repeating it and other things looking for "positive reinforcement" from her mom through laughter and bonding. Mom (my friend) doesn't hide that she doesn't like her. Now I will say to some extend it is warranted when comments are made "you should eat salad more often so you don't get fat like your mom" Her daughter is a stick. Be careful what you say and your nonverbal.
Know that when a GF comes along- your relationship with your ex will change. It isn't "her" fault. It is the nature of the situation. Women don't like to share even if there is nothing going on. Your relationship may be innocent but most women will not see it that way. My sister and her ex have a very "chummy" relationship. No romance, but she can call him to fix a flat tire, or the washer or really anything else. She is remarried, ex comes to dinner for holidays and its one big happy family. Now, they have been divorced for 13 years and he has only had 1 serious GF and she couldn't handle it. Ex was unwilling to change the relationship with my sister and therefore chose to end the relationship.
My kids held back from my husband for years because their dad made it clear it wasn't ok with him. He didn't badmouth or bash him but made it clear it wasn't ok with him so for many years my kids missed out on the opportunity to have a "2nd" dad in their lives. A friend finally told my girls that by loving their SF, it doesn't mean they don't love their dad, just that they have 2 fathers who love them and want nothing but the best for them.
I wish you the best of luck.
Thanks for input. I'm very
Thanks for input. I'm very happy to get so many good views on this. I got a lot of things to think about. And even if these events seems to be in a somewhat distant future, I feel that being prepared for all sorts of outcome in advance, will be a good thing for the kids. That way, I have somewhat idea on how to handle things as they occur, instead of being caught by surprise. This is my kids we are talking about. Making sure they grow up to be including, caring and kind young women, is very important to me. And I as their mother, have to build the foundation for that. Which means I among else have to guide them towards the right path to become good step daughters. The rest they will have to work out with their SM when that day comes.
Thanks to all of you, I really do appreciate it.
I am a StepDad so my
I am a StepDad so my perspective is a bit different. If you remarry please recognize that your next husband is an equity partner in life with you and that includes in parenting any kids that reside in the marital home. The same goes for your X's next partner.
Applicable to any Sparent, the marriage has to be the priority for both partners in it. Kids are the top responsibility but the marriage is the top priority.
Another member gave me this clarity though I do not recall their name. This is pure genius when it comes to a blended family.
A loving SM or StepDad is not a bad thing. Kids benefit from the love and support of committed parents of character including StepParents. Do not be threatened if your X remarries. Treat him with the respect he deserves as the father of your children and be engaging with his future partner. Be nice ... until it is to not be nice. If that ever occurs. Then be confident and direct in dealing with any issues.
I would have welcomed a reasonable and rational interface with my SS's SpermClan. However, they were incapable of being reasonable or rational which dictated how we dealt with them.
And most importantly … welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are navigating the blended family adventure.
Good luck in any future relationships and in your X's future relationships.
Sincerely,
Oh, we parent equally. In our
Oh, we parent equally. In our home, adults are authorities, doesn't matter what the relation between child and adult is. So no issues there. My SO comes down on my kids if he is around when they do stuff they shouldn't, unless I'm there. Then he leaves it to me, and rather support the consequence I give. So I think I have that part nailed...lol.
Pretty sure conflicts occur
Pretty sure conflicts occur when children are given authority over SM/ SD by a Disney parent, too...
I'm a BM and a SM. My bios
I'm a BM and a SM. My bios step mom and I get along great. That wasn't always the case, but that was my fault. I did freak out a bit in the beginning because I didn't want my kids have another 'mom' in their lives. I was never mean to her, or anything like that, I was just really stand offish and critical. Then I realized how much she really did love my kids and how much they cared about her and I realized how stupid it was for me to be jealous because she could never take my place. She did exactly what you said you would want a potential step mom to your kids to do. She found her own place.
Now, I LOVE that she loves my kids and that they love her. She's an awesome person for them to have in their lives and they know how lucky they are. And so do I. When I think about the type of woman my ex COULD have chosen...wow.
She has NEVER overstepped her boundaries and I feel totally comfortable calling to talk to her before a visit (my ex is military, so often they would go to see her without him there) and letting her know about anything that's changed with the kids that she should know. Like when I put my BD on birth control and stuff like that. I NEVER take advantage of her either. If she wants to see the kids, great. If they want to see her, great. But I have NEVER asked her to take them or expected anything of her she didn't want to give on her own. I refuse to take advantage of her.
My ex has not been the best father over the years and honestly, his wife is a better parent to my kids than he is. I often feel that she and I are the parents in their lives rather than he and I. I even make sure I tell her Happy Mother's day and how much I appreciate her.
Now my skids BM...she and I are polite to each other the odd time we are around each other. But she will expect things of me that I feel she has no right to expect. She acts as if I married her kids instead of DH. She oversteps her boundaries often. She expects me to babysit for her on her time if DH can't have the skids. I refuse. She's said rude and mean things about me behind my back when she really knows nothing about me. I told to DH to politely tell her that I understand she is curious about someone who will be a big part of skids' lives, and if she wants to know something she only has to ask me and that she is more than welcome to call me. But if it is personal and has nothing to do with skids I have a right to my privacy. She didn't take him up on it and will say things about me based on lies the skids tell her or things they heard and don't understand. So really, for that reason and other reasons, I have little to do with skids other than being polite to them when they are here.
So, don't overstep your boundaries and if your bios say something to you about their new SM and doesn't seem right and will affect them, ask. If it has nothing to do with them, treat it as if its not your business. Be polite to her. Do as you said and enforce to your bios that she will be an adult in their lives who they should treat with respect if nothing else. Don't ask her to babysit or to do anything unless she's made it clear it's something she wants to do. Realize that she will care about your ex because of HIM and not because of your kids. That if she marries him, it will be her marrying HIM, not your kids. So as long as she's being polite to your kids, let her find her place without pressure from you.
I can feel the pain and
I can feel the pain and resentment and drama coming on- you nailed it! I have a BFF who had to move away from her son to run her family's business. The dad is wealthy, remarried, has full custody minus vacations, BUT he financially supports the new SM and has nannies. If you are a rational person, you will have to re-think your position as "mother", because the SM will be the mother. I couldn't do it. I have 50% custody only because they have a good dad who loves them (kids need both parents IMHO) and I still spend the nights I don't have them crying and drinking. I respect that you are informing yourself for things to come, though. Prayers for all of you.
My role will most likely be
My role will most likely be one where I support the rules and decisions made by my ex and his future SO. I will be mom, that will never change. But they will get one more mother figure. And I owe it to the woman that may be, to do my share in making her situation easier by keeping certain things in mind. Like, drop the friendship with my ex, if that is what I need to do.
And trust me, that is not something I'd do with a light heart!
I do miss my kids, but I think the fact that I don't spend that much time with them, in a twisted way makes it easier to handle. By now I'm used to seeing them only once a month (I travel, not the kids), so I don't miss them in that overwhelming way. I do cry, but not often. So I don't think I'd be a drama queen about a new woman stepping up as custodial parent with my ex. But to ensure it, I try to be prepared for what might be coming.
I know she will be the daily
I know she will be the daily mother figure in their lives, which is also why I don't want to do anything wrong. I want her to feel like she has the power to be the authority figure alongside my ex, where my role will be a more limited.
I do NOT intend to insist on a friendship she isn't going to accept, but I don't want to end a friendship unless I know she disapproves, either. But I do not expect her to share those thoughts with me, she an my ex needs to decide how things are going to be.
It is sad to think about things that may change with a new woman. Maybe that is part of why I actually do think about it as much as I do. Don't get me wrong, it's not the subject that takes up the most of my thoughts. But I feel a part of handling it, is to spend some time thinking about what may happen, and how I best can deal with it.
As for child support: My ex do get child support from the government, since I'm out of a job at the moment. This is money I have to pay back to the state when I do get the job. But I contribute with what I can on top of that, among else renewing the kids wardrobe every year before first day of school. So I don't think that should be a resentment. Never know, of course.
I hope I don't come out as an overstepping BM, that will make a future stepmom frustrated and annoyed. I want to find a balance between present and distance, that all parties involved can feel comfortable with. In particular the two people with the hardest roles of them all: The steps.
Lol, my ex is still single.
Lol, my ex is still single. *winkwink*
Well, as far as I know, that is.
I hope so. Or at least a BM
I hope so. Or at least a BM that is a neutral rather than negative.
You are so wonderful for
You are so wonderful for thinking about this to be proactive! What you have laid out here is the best thing you can do for the kids. Letting them know that it is ok to love her, to treat her with respect, and be themselves around her. Those are some of the biggest challenges we face (I'm a stepmom and biomom).
The other thing that can help is to let her know that if she ever wants to discuss what works with the kids so that the kids can benefit from consistency, you are open and willing to help. I don't think that being friends with your ex is problematic, as long as he chooses to be honest about the relationship and conversations you have, otherwise it could lead to feelings of jealousy on the part of his future and potential partner.
Thank you for trying to do what is right and good for the kids. We have not had that and have fought like pro-boxers to maintain a positive relationship with all of our kids.
All the best,
A. S. Noraford
Author, Stepfamily Diaries
www.blendedfamilysurvivalguide.com
I am a BM and SM. But that
I am a BM and SM. But that isn't my main role anymore since all s/kids are grown and on their own.
I have admiration for you. You seem to be one of those who care about the well being of the children more than any need for revenge or whatnot like a lot of the BMs that SMs have to deal with.
I was so naive when I became a SM. I loved my son more than anything and would do whatever I thought was the best for him, even if it hurt me tremendously. I thought ALL mothers were like that. I thought that all of us (BM, me and my DH) would do what was best for all the children involved. I looked forward to parenting WITH the bios (and hoped that my DH would help me parent MY bio who had a father who disappeared when he was 6 months old).
I really had no clue that someone could be as vengeful, manipulative, and plain greedy as the BM to my skids.
I adore my skids almost as much as I would have if they would have been my own. They were very well behaved in my presence thanks to my DH NOT going down the Disney Dad route. The only problem I had with them at all could always be traced back to their BM.
We ended up going to court to get a No Contact Order against her as she was harassing us, calling up and screaming so that you couldn't even tell what was bothering her this time (it was always money, though). The judge also granted my DH's request to exchange at a third-party neutral site so we didn't even have to come face to face with her. That was after she came out screaming on her front lawn at us after the skids were in our car already and ALL the kids seems so traumatized by that incident!
Hindsight is always 20/20 and here's what I think I have learned all the way around:
1. BM and DH's relationship was highly dysfunctional (any disagreement quickly escalated to yelling and someone would get kicked out by the other one). They were very on-again/off-again. The last time they broke up, that was it for DH. I guess BM just thought it was another of their "off-again" times. I stated many times over the years that BM acted like I stole DH out of her bed! Well, in her mind, I DID!!!
2. BM was already feeling like I replaced her as the woman in DH's life. I already had my own child who was older and I raised 100% on my own. So she must have been insecure that I might be a better MOTHER, too. Looking back, I know I overstepped my boundaries sometimes. I had only been a mother. I had never been a stepmother. I wasn't trying to push BM out, I was just doing what we thought was best when they were at our place. It would have been much easier if there would have been an open line of communication between me and BM. I definitely did not want to usurp her role as a parent. I just wanted her to parent from a place of LOVE instead of insecurity!
3. Just having her be able to control herself enough to discuss things with my DH would have helped a lot. The skids learned quickly that if they told their mother bad stuff about our house, it made her happy. She had unmedicated mental issues, too, which helped not.
Thank you all for a lot of
Thank you all for a lot of helpful and thoughtful replies. It is very appreciated. I got a lot more to think about, and some new POVs, that should help me be a support for my ex and a future stepmom for my kids, rather than a pain in the...uh...behind area. You helped me a lot, thank you all so very much!
And thanks for the nice compliments, too, good to see I'm not far off thinking there are things I as a mother can do to make a future stepmoms life a little easier. Which in turn will be all sorts of good for my daughters.