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Would you or have you extended the Olive Branch to BM?

Rainbow.Bright's picture

So it's been on my mind lately. I want the conflict to end. I want the pettiness to end. I don't want BM hating me and being so vapid in her remarks and actions. She is too proud to ever extend a hand, but I don't think she'd take an act of peace from me. I want to beleive she is human, and feels like she wants to overcome the negativity and hatred, but I could be wrong.

Has anyone made the first peace offering to BM? If so how did you do it, and did it work? If not, would you consider doing it and how would you?

Comments

stepmom008's picture

I can't speak for now because I quit but when I first came into the picture I really tried hard for all of us to get along. She just won't allow it to happen so I'm not interested in expending any more energy on her than I already have. If she turns around and extends to me, I'd be willing to give it a try but I've done my part & I'm done.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

MiseryNMissouri's picture

I have reached out to her many times and invited her to brunch. It only works if you are dealing with a mature adult

Sia's picture

I have. However she always just beat me over the head with it! Biggrin

Seriously, you can read my past blog about my journey w/Bm to see how it all ended. I wish you MUCH luck! I never accomplished much.

TheWife's picture

I believe I was going thru the same thing you are now a few weeks ago when I posted my blog about Pandora's box.

I decided not to, because I knew from past experiences it would only blow up in my face and lead her into thinking she was welcome to intrude in our lives and lean on my DH for support during her divorce.

No, I think for now we shall stay away from egg borrowing status.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

Rainbow.Bright's picture

I hear you. All I want is to be able to say "Hey how are you?", or be able to be normal and cordial with eachother. If we ever get to coordinate the smallest of things in regard to SD, that would be great. And most of all for her to quit the hating!!

I guess that is a tall order. Smile

soverysad's picture

She is cordial as long as she is getting her way. It is so insincere and GROSS though. And she uses it to try to act like we're best buddies (I loathe her) and then she likes to "remind" me that she and dh were together for 20 years and were oh so happy (have delusions, much). I am cordial unless she oversteps my boundaries. Then I am not so nice and she back off. It would be nice if I could nicely tell her she is overstepping, but she think this is up for a debate and tries to negotiate my boundaries (i.e., I squabble that she is 15 minutes late for an exchange and she tries to make excuses OR even better try to make it about me and dh). SOOO, I don't do it nicely. I stomp her and that gets her back on track for a short while.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

southernbelle's picture

I've thought about it, and I guess in a way I already have. I got DH's opinion on me emailing her a fairly innocuous question, and he said go for it, and he didn't care if she reacted badly. Suprisingly, she was actually civil (and told him the same thing about me, lol) and we've since had a very short conversation. I was actually thinking about emailing her a semi-let's be friends or at least acquaintances email, but haven't decided yet. But our BM is not absolutely nutso crazy, just slightly off her rocker...

Rainbow.Bright's picture

Hm, that's not a bad idea. E-mailing something harmless... She is so unpredictable. Sometimes she seems to be ok, then others she goes nutty. Also when she has a boyfriend, she is MUCH more of a normal person. Unfortunately, they are shortlived, and long between.

How about mothers day, has anyone gone out of their way to help the skid with mothers day as a peace offering?

southernbelle's picture

Yeah, ours is like that too. PMS maybe??? like 2-3 weeks a month lol. But the difference there is that she has no boyfriend, and hasn't in the last at least 3 years. She still lives with Mommy & Daddy too, so not like she'd have anywhere to take him, lol.
I have not done the Mother's Day thing (though strangely enough again, she has mailed a card that SS signed/made for me to me on Mother's Day), but I did give SS a small necklace with her birthstone on it for him to give her for Christmas. Not sure if she ever found out I gave it to him, but probably so, since SS can't keep his mouth shut about ANYthing, lol.

Rainbow.Bright's picture

That is so funny, because our BM hasn't had a boyfriend in almost a year, but she did have one for about 6 or 7 months and she was a completely different person.

It's like a cycle, and I can predict it with certainty based on when she has a boyfriend and is 'happy', and all the other times.

I may try a small Mothers Day gift and see what happens, if she is still a jerk, then I guess I'll have to wait until she is happily in a relationship again. Which may be never. Her expiration date is closing in...

folkmom's picture

I always help SD make something for her mom on mother's day. Absolutely. I do that for SD, not for the mom though. And by make something, I mean kid's artwork or something.

Constantly_guilty's picture

I tried once. I sent her a really nice email about how we are both raising SD and we should be on the same page and supportive of one another because at the end of the day we both love her.

It bounced back. She had changed her email address without telling us. I took that as a sign that God was giving me a second chance not to make a dumb mistake and never tried again Wink

Rainbow.Bright's picture

I'm not saying she has to like me, or that I care if she does, I don't like her. I just want us to be civil and friendly. Much like you would treat a stranger with common courtesy. That's all.

I don't think it's much to want, but I guess it is if she is evil through and through. But I feel like one can only be a victim for so long until they need to make the decision to be a functional and productive person in the world.

StepMadre's picture

NO

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

belleboudeuse's picture

Hm. Well, I would consider it. Except that the reason communication completely broke down in the first place is because she is pathologically incapable of ever being wrong or apologizing, and will only treat DH and/or me well if she wants something from us.

I would definitely prefer if we could all be civil. And if I had any indication that if I were to extend the olive branch, she would be able to treat me and my marriage with respect, I would swallow my pride and extend it. As it is, I have come to the conclusion that the only way to protect our home and our marriage is to keep very clear boundaries, for me to never have any contact with her, and for my DH to have all contact be through email or text, and only about "business." So therefore, if anything is ever to change, she will have to be the one to extend the branch first. It pains me to say that, as I think that in other areas of my life, I do try to not hold grudges and be open to communication even with people I have a conflict with.

I will say that if she made a gesture toward me, I would be very suspicious, but I would respond to it -- on the off chance that she was sincere.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Rainbow.Bright's picture

I have been feeling the same exact way as you up until now. But for some reason, after all this, I just feel like if we could all be civil and friendly (not 'friends') the situation wouldn't even be an area for concern anymore, for anyone.

I just want peace, for everyone, and my SD. It's been a terrible mess with BM over the last 5 years, but I just can't give up that hope, no matter how sick and mean she is. I guess I'm always wanting to move forward, she's always wanting to wallow in past and be resentful in the present.

I guess it's stupid to want this, maybe it's too much and asking someone to change their nature.

belleboudeuse's picture

No, I don't think it's stupid to want it. I want it, too. It would make everyone's life better.

But I have realized that there's being hopeful on the one hand, and being realistic and protecting our home and our family. Unfortunately, I've seen that trying to be cordial and fair with BM is her signal to try to manipulate us and get as much out of us as she can, while badmouthing and insulting us as she goes. Unfortunate, yes. But there's only so many times you can beat your head against the wall.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

soverysad's picture

You're right Ms. Freeze. Honestly, Wingnut and I wouldn't get along under any circumstances. Even if she weren't dh's x, I wouldn't like her. She is useless and whiny and I loathe people like that. And oh yeh, she's a bitch.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

LMR120's picture

No i have not and i wont and neither will she. I just ignore her ... I dont give her the reaction she is looking for. I made a deal with my BF a long time ago not to let his BM affect our day to day life with negativity because thats what she wants. I have no doubt that she sits at home laughing when she has made my BF upset because she thinks he is going to come hom and complain to me about it.

Snowbunny's picture

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Kb3Hooah's picture

I remember when I didn't want to fight or have anymore bitter feelings for BM anymore. I extended a peace offering many times in many different ways, which none were accepted....that is until she was ready.

When we finally made amends, I realized that our amicable relationship was conditional. As long as I did what she wanted, and agreed with what she thought, and allowed her to dictate our home when she saw fit, then we were good....but the minute I put in any say so as to what goes on with BF and our home, she thru a temper tantrum and would crawl my ass.

So I finally had to ask myself what was more important, pleasing BM and being completely unhappy in my relationship....or possibly pissing BM off, having her explode and being happy with my relationship.

Now, we don't care for each other anymore, but I couldn't be any happier, b/c my relationship is finally the way it should have been all along. Smile

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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

Snowbunny's picture

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