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I have to laugh...

queen_bethy's picture

So, you've read my posting from my blog at Christmas time. Let me tell you, having my step-son move out was really hard on all of us. He made his decision based upon being pissed that we wouldn't let him do some things and decided that his mom's was the place for him....Because his mom won't make him do what he doesn't want to do. He said some really horrible things to his Father, things that broke his heart. And then moved out. It was a terrible time for my children and for us. But I was a little relieved to not have to deal with the DAILY tantrums, arguements, and attitude problems. He's 15 now and he still flops on the floor and throws infantile tantrums. YEAH.

So tonight, his mom calls and tell us he's acting up. His grades are slipping, he's throwing tantrums and he told them he's going to move back in with his Dad. Yeah right. Over my dead body. My Husband made it perfectly clear, when he moved out, that we were not a revolving door and he would not up-root our lives again. If he chose to move to his mom's, that was it. He would have to make his bed and lie in it.

And he told him as much today. I just have to laugh because he thought it was going to be so much better over there. She's been notorious for being inconsistant and letting him get away with crap. Thus, the tantrums at 15. Now she's "attempting" to parent him after all these years and he's not having it. He thought he had it so bad with us. He thought we were so strict making him get good grades, making him accountable for his actions, teaching him to take responsibility for his life. Oh, yeah, really horrible people!

I am just sitting here feeling so relieved that it's not me dealing with him anymore, but her now. I can't tell you how hard it was dealing with such a spoiled, ungrateful, child. I love him dearly, but he wore on our entire family. When he moved out, we all silently exhaled. But I am actually proud of her for standing her ground. This is new for her and my Husband said it was very refreshing for them to be on the same page for once in their lives.

I'm not going to get my hopes up that it will last. She's not a very rational person. So we'll see.


Dawn-Moderator's picture

Queen, I agree with your "No revolving door" policy. I think that we would have the same kind of policy at our house. In fact my husband's ex has a similar kind of parenting style as your stepson's mother.My stepson's mother has also been trying to "parent" him more recently. The good thing is that we have had residential custody since stepson started second grade and even before then, we tried to be as involved as possible. I would like to think that that is why my stepson is overall, a good kid. No tantrums, all A's and B's on his report card, etc. However, our problem is that my stepson has no opinion at his mom's house and sometimes what she does is WAY "out there" and my stepson doesn't question her. I guess that is to be expected because she is his mom and he looks out for interests above all else. He never wants to do or say anything that "may" hurt her feelings. She has the "poor me" attitude and my stepson buys into that whole heartedly.
Anyway, as I said before, the rules are still more laxed at biomom's house than ours. I guess I can hope that as he gets older, he can see that he is doing as good as he is BECAUSE of our rules. Otherwise, we would have to make him understand the "no revolving door" policy. I just hope we could stick to it and not be tempted to let him come back. It would be really hard as it will always be our opinion that he is better off at our house.

Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to mention that I love your blog site. It is really cool and unique!


queen_bethy's picture

I saw that you came to visit me a couple times! It was so nice to have you!

I just wish the whole step-family dynamic didn't have to be so stressful and painful. I tried so hard to be a great "Mom" to him when he came to visit and even when he lived with us for that brief period of time. He's just been fed so much crap about us by his mom and her family that he can't see the good that's right in front of him. He's poisoned. I guess I can only hope that in time, he might come to realize that we weren't the bad people he was taught to despise.


Terryific478's picture

Hi Queen,
Yeah, I read your, that needs to be my policy, so far, I have bluntly stated...nope, no more steps moving in...just wish one would move out, driving me nuts lately, just plain evil to me. My hubby has no energy to deal with it. So, I have just decided to not put any energy into it, I have my own sanity to think about. I have put up some solid boundry lines rides, no nothing, she exists in this house and she is lucky that happens at all. I will not take her anywhere or make any appointments for her period. Sometimes, it is what you have to do I guess...

queen_bethy's picture have to set boundaries for all children, even your biological ones. Setting boundaries for them seems easy, and they accept it, because you are their Mother/Father. But when it's someone else's child (husband or wife's) it's hard. The parent you live with has problems sometimes saying no to the child they helped to make unhappy. "If I hadn't gotten a divorce (even tho it was probably the best thing to do at the time) my child would be happy and well adjusted." So the child gets power. A child with too much power is bad....very bad. I set boundaries with my step son at the get go and he hasn't liked it ever. I'm not his Mom. (And his mom never sets any anyway..)I am an interferance. My Husband's step-Mom once gave me some great advice. Love him as if he was your own. Well, I feel I have. But my love has been rejected over and over and over. The key is, never to show that they've gotten the best of you. They are simply a child (or teen) that needs love even if they don't behave like they want it. My step-son has broken my heart and hurt my feelings and made me so frustrated I wanted to scream. But he doesn't really realize the immense pain he's caused me because he can't even think past himself to realize it. I will continue to love him. I have to. He's a part of the man I love dearly. Plus, he's a fellow human being who deserves love. Plain and simple.


eyelovegeezus's picture

This is surreal...I am reading about my life! My SS15 did just that!! Over 3 years later, and still applicable. Thank you for being so candid. I hope things have gotten better since your post Smile