Disengagement guilt

Does disengaging make anyone else feel guilty?

Specifically in my case it's the hour on a sunday between my arriving home from work and the skids going back to BMs (so right now lol!).

It's dreadful. They need to be fed and changed back into their clothes from hers and for some reason my SO never leaves more than that one hour to do this in and they ALWAYS play up, refuse to eat, won't get changed (they're 5 and 6) and the youngest has to be physically held down and his clothes changed for him (which i think is totally ridiculous but that's another issue!).

So i've got to the stage where i just don't get involved. Right now I can hear the shouting and I'm firmly placed upstairs in the back room out of the way.

And i feel like a huge bitch!

I know it'd be easier for him if i helped, and i love my SO and want to help, but on the other hand they're not my kids, their shitty behaviour is not my problem and neither is his poor time management - so it's not my responsibility.

Should I feel guilty? does anyone else feel like this? if so do you just give in and get involved or stay strong and disengage?

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Seriously, feeling like the

Seriously, feeling like the worst person in the world. And since SO only has them every other weekend now i know he hates that he has to spend so much time yelling at them (but they're just so badly behaved!).

I'm thinking when our relationship got serious he must have been thinking 'great, this'll make having the boys a bit easier, a little help and so on' and the reality is I just hide in the back room because i can't bear to be around them!

Also clearly totally selfish because here i am just going on and on about how bad this makes ME feel. UGH.

I feel ya. I am the same way.

I feel ya. I am the same way. I try and try to tell myself that I am not responsible for nor can I fix So and BMs bad parenting. But it is so not in my nature to just sit blindly by while all hell is breaking loose. But just know that it doesn't matter what you do for his kids. Their parents are the ones that made/make them this way and you can't change it.

Don't feel guilty...DH will

Don't feel guilty...DH will figure it out
He will figure it out that more than 1 hr is needed. He will set consequences.
When I came into picture I did everything, homework, haircuts, shopping for clothes/shoes, etc, getting ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. when I disengaged DH figured it out. He helps w homework, buys clothes, and gets them ready for school.
And if he doesn't. Well then he will continue to have the last hour being a cluster****. If that happens, I'd go out to dinner after work so you don't need to be there to watch/hear the show

I don't know if you had any

I don't know if you had any kids of your own before getting together with your SO. I had two bio DDs in their late teens when I met mine. My SDs were 5 and 7 when I met them and two little hellions, compared to my relatively well behaved daughters.

I disengaged after a year because my SDs tried to make my life hell, and I just threw up my hands and said "get on with it yourself, then" to my DH. He has never been very keen on taking advice from me, even though I raised two girls who now both lead successful lives. So let him "reap the whirlwind" is my view.
And no, disengaging does not make me feel the slightest bit guilty.

Oh geez. Just keep out of the

Oh geez. Just keep out of the way. And if your SO says anything just say you would hate to interrupt.

Put it this way, if you had a couple of kids would you expect your SO who has been at work all day to come home and sort them out for you?

Does disengaging ever make me

Does disengaging ever make me feel guilty? Hmmmm Fuck no! Disengaging allows me to stay sane and happy in my relationship. My DH's 10 yr old daughter is a nightmare. I spent the first two years of our relationship trying to warm up to this kid and to help him raise her. Without fail, every time I put myself out there for this kid, she would basically spit in my face. And then my feelings were inevitably hurt twice. First by her shitty actions and second by DH's failure to discipline the bad behavior. So after months and months of agony, I just pulled the plug, and I haven't looked back since. Disengaging is counterintuitive for women bc we always want to help & fix etc. But trust me, it's the best way to go. It forces SO's and DH's to deal with their brats themselves. Remember, nothing invested = nothing lost!

~Thanks everyone that really

~Thanks everyone that really was reassuring!

and dtzyblnd - BM and I don't get on so that's a good point, whenever i do get involved with them i worry they're going to go straight back to her and say i shouted at them and she'll have a total hissy fit about it.

my new mantra - not my kids, not my problem.

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