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Then vs. Now

pixiedust10's picture

I'm having an attack of the anger at eating away at me. Do any of you feel like you work so hard, but that BM got the better part of your SO/DH's life? I said something similar to that to SO and now he thinks that I think he has nothing left to give. That's not what I meant! Can anyone relate? And advise on how to clean up the mess I made?

Comments

herewegoagain's picture

Yes. No doubt. The little wh#$%#$% was able to have a house because of him, have cars, be treated like "family", etc...all because she was first...I got to clean up the mess she left behind by ruining his credit, constantly harassing him, being treated like crap because I wasn't first. But, someday, it will end. Although where I live, the darn inheritance laws give a specific amount to loser no matter what we do...thus the reason we still haven't purchased a home, etc...at some point, I think to save my sanity I will have to either move from here or divorce him and get my own house so that I don't have to battle with the loser, as she's already a welfare queen and will be for many years to come.

The one thing that keeps me sane is knowing that she might have gotten "the best of him", but soon, she will no longer have ANY of him...and we can wash our hands off of her completely. And yes, we will. This, but they have a kid together you will never get rid of her won't cut it. If anything happens to his kid, he can find out from others...but BM will no longer be a part of our lives once that CS stops.

PS - as DH puts it, CS and the mess is his the price he has to pay to no have to live with her...thus it doesn't bother him as much...he would gladly pay millions if he had it just so that he wouldn't have to see her ever again...lol

skylarksms's picture

^^^THIS^^^

Although I WAS jealous over the nice things she was able to have (without working, of course) that I was unable to afford. I was jealous that the skids would come down in Hollister & other fancy brand name clothing while my son and I shopped at the thrift store....

BUT, her day will come and everyone will know what she truly is.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Yes, sometimes I do. The divorce really beat down DH. I think in a certain sense its made him old before his time.

pixiedust10's picture

Mazzy, I feel this way mostly for the reasons the responders here said. She wears SO out with her constant atagonistic behavior. The money spent on lawyers simply b/c she wants to be right. How she doesn't lift a finger to better anything, but has a house HE pays for though CS that she barely stays at, a car SO paid for that she trashes, all the nice said things in that house, all the wonderful vacations that SS's "remember". Basically all the things that I want to share with SO and can't because we have to work our tails off overtime/weekends/side jobs just to be able to live just over paycheck to paycheck. My EXH was like a male version of BM, he's slowly growing up, but I still was the one who had one, two jobs with the little ones and did side work and took care of the housework, the bills, the kids, while EXH sat on his ass and didn't even have the motivation to try for unemployment while we had 2 babies under 2.

Ok I'll jump off the pity truck soon I know it, if I know how to prove to him that I don't think there's nothing left for him to give. Because that's how he feels b/c of what I said.

z3girl's picture

I feel this way much of the time. DH always talks like he's burned out and just doesn't want to work anymore or do anything. With BM, they were together for 20 years (married for 15), they built 2 houses together (one of them he still calls his dream house), had vacations like we've never had, BM always had/has designer everything, and of course he loved everything he could do with SD.

I don't understand why we can't have a portion of all that without his CONSTANT complaining! We have a house (not a dream house, but it's ok), he never has to travel for work and really isn't a workaholic the way I know others to be, and I can overlook the vacations since we have such little ones at home. I hope he feels the same about our boys as he did SD, but only time will tell with that.

Even MIL has said to me she feels sorry for me. She says I got the short end of the stick on this one.

sasha101's picture

I've often felt she got his best years in a lot of ways. When he was with her he was physically fit and had a good job, now he's in his forties, has long term health problems and doesn't work due to his poor health and the fact that we have full custody of 3 skids and just couldn't afford childcare for us both to work. I resent the fact that he went out and provided for bm while I'm the one that works to provide for him and skids. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and would hate to be a housewife but it pisses me off when skids guzzle enough food to feed an army and seem to think it's okay not to look after clothes/shoes and expect replacements when they wreck stuff. BM was reckless with his hard earned money and got into loads of debt when they were together and stupid DH bailed her out, got himself into trouble and is still paying off their debts 6 years after they split. His credit is ruined which penalises me for his past mistakes with bm and I resent that so much. We tried for 3 years to have our own child but I was unable to conceive, and I feel so cheated that she got to have kids with him and I didn't. Bm also got to enjoy much more of a social life with dh before they started having kids, but our social life is limited because of skids and the fact we can't afford to go out anyway. They also had a big fancy wedding and all his family went, where we could only afford a small wedding and most of his family couldn't be bothered to come, which really hurt me and made me feel second best to bm.

I try to look it two ways, because on the other hand I know he never really loved bm and only stuck with her because she got pregnant. She was abusive to him and the kids all through their relationship and he was depressed and unhappy with her. She ordered him around, never supported him in anything and was completely selfish and lazy, she embarrassed him in public and regularly got drunk and loud which he really hated. He said he often felt suicidal but kept going because she threatened to take the kids away and report him for abuse if he tried to leave her. He says if he'd stayed with her she would never have encouraged him to look after his health and would only have been bothered about how much he earned and that he could carry doing all the cleaning/cooking after working all day. He tells me that although his health isn't as good now and we're not well off, he's never been happier and that he's never missed anything he had with her and I believe him. So while there are some things I resent and probably always will, the good outweighs the bad and I know I have his love a million times more than she ever did.

Fading's picture

I think my issues with it stem from all the 'firsts' they had together. First marriage, first house, first dog, first child, etc... They had each other when they didn't have to scrimp and scrounge for a dollar to afford supper. And DH does occasionally seem to have the 'been there, done that' attitude when it comes to a 'first' for us as a couple, but not a 'first' for him.

overit2's picture

Yes, I think BM did but only in certain ways (get the best of him).

He was gainfully employed, worked two jobs, they bought a house, they had a boat, he had his motorcycle running (his isnt' now), they paid for stuff cash. He worked hard!!! She stayed at home and passed their newborn to his parent to 'go out'.

He was loyal to the bitter end, he was incredibly unhappy, they fought like crazy, she neglected their child, he moved into a seperate room for over a year -she started hanging out w/her female friends a lot and going out. HE NEVER strayed even if they weren't having sex. He believes strongly in wedding vows.

He kept asking for a divorced, she finally agreed-they hadn't even signed the papers when she moved forward into a relationship as a lesbian. Talk about him being gutted!!!

NOw with me, he's broke, he has cs, he has a difficult child (at times), he has a controlling bm.

What I DO get, this man loves me more then life-he adores me. HE never loved her, he's with me by choice. IN that sense I get the good part of him, his love and affection.

NOW I just wishe he could get the rest together!!

pixiedust10's picture

Thanks so much for the comments! I am relieved that I am not alone in how I feel. I could cry right now.

Now how do I make things right? He really thinks I feel like he's got nothing to offer.

DeeDeeTX's picture

My husband will often dump on himself to prevent others from doing so and getting to the real root of the problem.

For example, a good, productive interaction would be:
You: Honey, I feel like Ex-Spouse got the best you had to offer.
DH: What? That kind of hurts my feelings. Why would you say that?
You: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have phrased it like that. What I meant was that you deal with BM all the time, and each time you deal with her you get angry and frustrated, and that ends up ruining our evening.

::commence productive discussion about setting boundaries with BM::

A bad interaction, very common with defensive people who don't want to change:
You: Honey, I feel like Ex-Spouse got the best you had to offer.
DH: OMG, I can't believe you would think that. I guess I am worthless. I have nothing to offer anyone. I might as well kill myself now. Maybe we should get divorced so you can go out and get someone who deserves you. I guess I just don't do anything around here. Etc Etc Etc.

Beware if you have spouse type #2. It is a way for them to avoid changing their behaviors by playing on your sympathy and pity. Initially you don't realize it, but after a while it gets really, really old, because you can never criticize their actions and behaviors without it turning into a pity party with them at the center.

(This is just my experience.)

pixiedust10's picture

DeeDee, luckily I don't have #2. That was EXH.

However, SO's standing firm in how feels like what I said is what I meant, NOT what I said was not the right words and listening to what I really am trying to say (I've got bad insert foot in mouth problems). He says I tried to say it's over and he has nothing to offer. I didn't actually say either of those things. The last thing he said before bed was "Maybe I will start recording YOU as well"... (He records BM whenver she calls for anything.

That really hurt me.

pixiedust10's picture

AND DeeDee, I'm the one who gets angry and ruins the evening. He does his best to NOT let it be an issue. I just get sickened by the thought of things she does.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Well, you have every right to be. I guess I just don't understand why, if DH isn't the poor me type, why after you apologized he is still hanging onto it and refusing to forgive you and being a jerk in return.

I guess you need to figure that out, and then you'll know what he's looking to hear.

I can only speculate based off my DH and others I know, but if they are not the poor me type, the only other reason I would guess he'd still be upset (legitimately) is that he knows there is a kernel of truth in what you are saying and it upsets him.

I guess I'd just tell him like some of the other posters on here said that you were jealous of the life he had with BM, and you are sick and tired of dealing with her, and this is not what you envisioned for your life. And if that hurts, it hurts, but it is the truth.

Some truths are better left unsaid, but IMHO after they are said, it is better not to deny it and pretend the whole thing was a lie. I just think lying with your partner ends up doing more harm than good.

And if he wants to go around and be huffy a few more days after the apology, fine. Some people take a while to simmer down while their feelings are hurt. If he says any more hurtful things to you (like about taping you), I would just say something along the lines of, "I think you and I both know that that is unfair. I know I hurt you and you are still upset, and for that I apologize. At this point there is nothing else I can say besides what I've already said, but I want you to know I love you and value our relationship."

pixiedust10's picture

Thanks Dee, I think I will just let things go for a few days and hopefully we both won't be so sore. I really care about him, he's everything I look for in a man, but as most of us on here, the BM factor is such a strain!

pixiedust10's picture

Stepdown: That is so sad. Some people just don't appreciate the fact that they have life. She could have done so much with what she was gifted. Gifted! Not entitled to!

I want to drive the Karma Bus.