You are here

In the realm of "you knew what you were getting into"

Aeron's picture

So many step parents get told "You knew they/I had children" "you knew what you were getting into" "You knew they/we were a package deal" if ever a complaint is uttered about step children.

Has anyone ever said this is regards to the in-laws? When people complain about their mother-in-law, FIL, or siblings-in-law, does anyone ever look at them and say "Well, you knew what you were getting into"?

I mean, most people do meet their partner's family before the wedding. I know several people that have a completely awful, narcissistic, controlling, nosy, or downright evil in-law. Not to mention all the stories we see here about the very interesting relations people have gained by getting married. But I've never heard that anyone's told them to suck it up, the met the family before the wedding and thus, they knew what they were getting into.

So why is it that people will sit there are go on about "you knew what you were getting into" when it's about someone's kids? Cause sometimes the step "kid" in question is well over 18, so it's not Just "aww, they're little, you're an adult, suck it up".

As per a forum post, I also wonder, how would a lot of these SO/DH's take it if we suddenly informed them Mom or Dad was coming to live with us? Any protest on their part - "It's my parent, they need me, what am I supposed to do?" I do wonder how that would go over with the Disney parents...

Just sort of a random thought.

Comments

BSgoinon's picture

>>>Has anyone ever said this is regards to the in-laws? When people complain about their mother-in-law, FIL, or siblings-in-law, does anyone ever look at them and say "Well, you knew what you were getting into"?

My MIL is probably the worst person I have ever met in my entire life. Seriously, she is pure evil. She is a drug addict, a manipulator and a serious piece of SHIT human being. And those are her BEST qualities.

HER DAD (DH's grandfather) called me about 5 days before our wedding. His exact words(except he used my real name) "BSGoin, are you SURE you want to do this? I love you and I think you are the best thing that ever could have happened to my grandson and my great grandson... but if you marry him, you have to deal with his MOTHER for the rest of your life. I know she is my daughter, and I suppose that means I love her... but I promise you, she will do everything in her power to break up your marriage. And for NO GOOD REASON I might add. Just make sure you know what you are getting yourself in to".

I assure Grandfather that I was aware of her crazy ways. And I was. DH and I had already lived together for 5 years, so there were no "family secrets". I knew she is nuts. Sure enough in October (we married the end of August) she got angry with me for something (everything is always my fault with her) and told DH that I was having and affair with HER husband. Luckily DH also knows she is nuts and doesn't listen to a word she says.

Since then , Grandfather has passed away about 8 months ago Sad miss him so much. And MIL has gotten a MILLION times worse. She will end up killing herself or sadly someone else before too long. She has been in 4 car accidents and arrested once for DUI (drugs). We don't talk to her.

Unfreakingreal's picture

^^^^^Damn I thought my In-Laws were nuts!^^^^^ That's downright SCARY!

BSgoinon's picture

She needs help. That's all there is to it. I am so thankful that my DH has a clear picture of WHAT she is and doesn't try to defend her. I never would have married him if that were not the case.

Aeron's picture

Nice that he wanted to make sure you were aware! I'm sorry for your loss and that MIL has gotten crazier.

It sounds like you've totally cut her out. Has anyone come back to you and told you what horrible people you and DH are for not staying in close contact with her and allowing the toxicity to continue?

BSgoinon's picture

Just DH's stepdad at one point. He had kicked her out and then got mad at us for not taking her in. This was a few weeks before our wedding. I can't have a drug addict living in our house, with our kids. NO WAY. We offered to help her get in to rehab instead. She refused.

Since then that same stepdad spent over a year in jail for domestic violence.

Aeron's picture

Ah, so someone who's opinion is super important and when there is criticism you're just devastated.

BSgoinon's picture

As far as I am concerned, she has had every opportunity to be a part of our lives. We have offered her the WORLD and she has refused. There is only so much we can do. She has to want to get better before it will happen.

There was a brief (very brief) period of time after Grandfather passed away that she was sober. But the minute she got a copy of the will, and realized that all of the money (MILLIONS) goes to her after Grandmother dies, she was right back to her old ways. I suppose she thought there was a chance it was all going to DH (which is how Grandfather intended but was so sick at the end didn't have the time or energy to finish the changes in the will) and that she would have to be on her best behavior to get anything from DH. The way the will is written, she doesn't get anything anyways until Grandmother is gone (her stepmom) and no matter what it all goes to her, so no reason to bust her ass being sober.

Grandmother is contesting this, and trying to prove her incompotent. DH will be in charge of the Estate and MIL has NO IDEA this is happening since everything is in probate right now. She is in for the SHOCK of a lifetime.

BSgoinon's picture

As do I, but I can never say I didn't know what I was getting in to Wink

And as for SS and BM... SS has always been a great kid. And BM is LESS crazy now than she was before we got married. So, I supposed I am one of the few that "knew what I was getting in to" Wink and I'm ok with it.

RedWingsFan's picture

I lucked out in this regard with DH. His dad is awesome (mom has been deceased 10 yrs now but from what everyone in DH's family has said, she and I would've gotten along very well).

Now, my first marriage wasn't so easy. His mother was a major bible thumper and HATED me because I listened to rock music, dressed in jeans or shorts in summer, wasn't a "girly girl" that dressed in pink and went to church every Sunday. His dad was a phoney. He claimed to be like the mom, totally high and mighty christian bible person but underneath he stashed tons of porn and was skimming off the church funds to the tune of THOUSANDS of dollars (he was the treasurer).

Family get-togethers were a nightmare for me because they'd act all sugary sweet but I knew behind my back, they were throwing daggers. I got along well with my first husband's siblings (1 brother, 1 sister, he was the middle child) but I knew they were guilty of the same thing as their parents.

2nd husband's mom was a doll, his one sister and her family were awesome (I still keep in contact with them on FB) but his other sister was the devil. She hated me, I hated her. We got into more than one spat.

I'm glad for the in-laws I currently have as I get along well with them all. Guess sometimes you have to suffer before you get rewarded? At least in my case.

bi's picture

i've thought the same thing. why do we have to put up with whatever their kids want to do to us, and we are told basically that we married the kids, too, but it's ok to tell your wife's meddling mother or sister to F off? it's no different. no married their mil, and no one married their skid, either.

Aeron's picture

This is pretty much the thought. I mean, I see stories here where it's heresy, abuse, the sin of the first order to not want to interact with even evil, abusive adult step"kids". Steps are considered just the worst of the worst to stand up for themselves. But if someone stands up to their MIL or SIL or an uncle or whatever, people give them props, tell them they have to stand up for themselves, etc and it's no big deal.

Why is the "package deal" only considered a sacred package when someone's had children, even if it was 40 years ago? Why is okay to say "it's fine, you didn't marry their parents" or something similar but people argue and get So mad and offended if you say you didn't marry the kids?

I am trying's picture

Ah crap. This makes me worry about my future with the in-laws. I love my MIL as well (we had a rocky start but have since gotten quite close) - she and her husband even came on our honeymoon with us (staying in different places but on the same island and sharing meals and evening company - which was actually quite enjoyable) but DH and I just bought a house a few hours away from where we live now and MIL and her husband are coming with us. At first they were just supposed to be staying with us until they got a place of their own, but the house we bought is pretty big, and we'll hopefully be starting to have kids of our own soon, so it will be a huge help having them around if they stay longer, not to mention them pitching in financially. Overall, I am pretty excited about the arrangement, though I am worried that things can get messy if ground rules aren't established ahead of time. Nena123, your comment about your MIL criticizing your house, etc. does strike a chord with me, since I am super busy and tend to be a bit messy, and she has already started jokingly finger-wagging about my organizational skills....is this a sign? Yikes!

TASHA1983's picture

FUCK SKIDS....& FUCK ANYONE WHO GIVES ME THOSE COMPLETE BULLSHIT LINES THAT I KNEW WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO AND I SHOULD LOVE SKID LIKE MY OWN BLAH BLAH BLAH! That's just MY 2 cents. Dirol

Whenever someone says anything along those lines to me I just simply tell them how I feel. IDC anymore! I am not going to be fake or pretend to like/love and want to be around someone that I don't give two shits about! Life is way too short for that crap!

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

That's like telling new first time parents of an infant that they knew what they were getting into. It's bogus.

hismineandours's picture

Yes I still firmly maintain that I did NOT know what I was getting into. SS was 1. When I met dh-just turned 3 when we married. How was I to know he'd turn into a complete psychopath? Had I known? I dont think I would have married dh-that saddens me-but at the same time I would not have knowingly embarked on a journey that I knew would cause my own children to be emotionally damaged.

I also had no clue what I was getting inot with my inlaws. Of course, I 'knew" them, but as far as REALLY knowing them? I had no freaking idea that this sort of dyfunction existed outside of textbooks that I studied in graduate school-and trust me I've met some pretty dysfunctional families in my line of work.

Ive always been confused about the package deal comment. What does this mean exactly? My dh used to say it-but has not for years as clearly him and ss are no longer a package. If you are a package deal with your kids-can anyone else be part of this package-like a new spouse? Does the package cease to exist when the kids turn 18? Do you include inlaws and your parents as part of this package? What if one part of your package doesnt like the other part of your package? I've never in my life said that me and my kids are a package deal. I've never quite seen the point. There my kids, I'm their mom-we arent really a package of anything.

MotherTrucker's picture

I LOVE my mother-in-law. She is the best person. She doesn't put up with shit and she will tell you how it is. I love her for that. She treats my children as if they are the most important thing in her life. Now, my father-in-law could die tomorrow and I would feel nothing! He has hurt (both physically and mentally and financially) my husband and his sisters so many times that he deserves to die. He used to beat my husband as a child over nothing. My DH would also step in to take the beatings for his sisters. Most recently, my father-in-law had my sister-in-law up against a wall by her neck choking her. She is an adult and pressed charges against him. In the same night he purposely ran into the back end of her boyfriends car and then ran from the cops. They are in the process of prosecuting him for that too. My husband feels so bad about not being there to take that beating that he cried the other day when we were talking about it.
He has stuck many people in our County (businesses and private loans) that when they find out that he is my DH's father, they will not do business with my DH. He has stuck my DH with a loan for close to $200,000 for a farm that they were supposed to both share the cost and the profits on, but that went down the shitter as you can imagine. DH was stupid for getting into that one, and he knows it. He kicks himself in the ass for it every day.

I DID NOT KNOW ANY OF THIS WHEN I MARRIED DH! Also when I married DH, SD loved me and was sooo sweet. She was only 3, so I thought all was fine. He had her almost all of the time. We had known each other for close to a year, but had only dated for a couple of months before we married. BM wasn't around very much and she never really cared to spend any time with SD. Then we married and all of a sudden she is "supermom". So, NO, I did not know what I was getting myself into when I marrried DH.

JayS's picture

Wow! I never met my in laws much before we married, but I did have FIL live with us awhile. He was "down on his luck" turns out he was lazy and racist. He started using the "N" word a lot around the kids. Wouldn't help out, wouldn't cook or clean...just facebook all day long. I went upstairs and told him to pack. He called me an idiot, but left the next morning. Wife was bitter with me for awhile, but I guess I was fortunate...he hates me, but wife understands now, becasue the cooking and cleaning duties are much lighter for her without him here. Sorry to hear about your situation..that is a tough one!