No its not fair and I wouldn't even entertain this idea. FH is just gonna have to suck wind. I can't even believe he suggested that to you.

I NEVER NEVER NEVER jip my son. I leave it to DH and BM to handle SD's gifts, I'll wrap what DH buys for her but I refuse to buy anything for her. ChooChoo gets as much as I feel like buying him. If SD only has 2 presents to unwrap at our house and sees that ChooChoo has 10 presents, it is then explained to her that she will get more presents at her moms house and ChooChoo got more presents because he doesn't have all kinds of houses and parents to buy stuff for him. We explain that HER gifts are spread out between two houses...his gifts are given only at one house.

~“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone"~ Audrey Hepburn

It's my opinion that all of the kids should be treated equally. If you get 1 gift for a kid/skid, then all kids should receive a gift. It's only fair.

I am going to wear both of my hats as a SD and a SM in giving my response. I know people may disagree.

As a skid who has stepsiblings I know there were times when I felt like my stepsiblings got more than me. However, they didn't live with us full-time (neither did I, but I lived there during the school week). It's very painful to feel that because I felt as though my stepsibs (I'm very close with them now) got more presents from my mom and stepdad than I did.

I don't know if you and FH could sit down and set aside an equal amount of money to spend on each kid for Christmas. Could you get all the kids an equal number of gifts? You could get each kid two presents that are nice. Or you could just buy presents for your son, and FH could take care of getting presents for his girls.

Another idea is that instead of giving anyone gifts, you could all volunteer at a soup kitchen for Christmas. It sounds as though your SDs need to know that there are those less fortunate than them. Doing this also eliminates the possibility of any of the kids feeling jealousy towards each other.

I wondered about this issue several times before I miscarried and never knew what to do. I certainly didn't want my skids feeling as though they got jipped, but I didn't want my bio-child to feel that way either. I was often torn about what to do.

No way. You are the only bio parent providing for your son. Your skids have two. You buy what you see is necessary. You don't tell BM what to buy for XMas, right?

I don't think there is a "fair" in this situation. Although I must say, it DOES seem like your bioson has a lot of toys (PSP,Wii, PS2). My kids don't have ANY of those!

I agree your son only gets from you and stepkids get from both households. So I even have a problem with treating them "equally" in that regard. DH insists that we spend "equal" amounts on SD16 and BDs 6 and 3. Problem with that is, if for example we spend 100 on each, SD16 then goes to BM's house and gets another 200 spent on her. So BDs get 100 worth of stuff for Xmas and SD16 gets 300. How is that "fair?"

You will face this your entire life. When SD turned 16, DH wanted to give her money for a car. When we agreed on an amount, he said, "So, we will be giving BD6 and BD3 the same amount for a car, right?" I said no. First of all, SD16 also got money from BM and probably from BM's parents AND stepdad's parents (they're wealthy), so you can't compare the two. Plus, I was encouraging DH for YEARS to come to an arrangement with SD16 wherein she would EARN money for a car and we would match it. She refused to do that, refused to get a job, spent all the money she was given as gifts on clothes, etc. So she didn't save a penny, and I don't feel like rewarding her for that. And third, although I didn't say that to him, ten years of inflation mean the same amount of money from now won't buy as much for them (theoretically).

We even butted heads (DH and I) when it came time for BD6 to start doing chores and getting an allowance. She gets one dollar per year, so $6 a week. This is the SAME thing he did with SD, even though she never did her chores and he even gave her the allowance when she was with BM (equal custody). But he actually tried to get me to cut BD6's allowance in HALF because he thought it was "too much." Whatever!

I hope you can come to a reasonable resolution on this, but don't hold your breath.

We use dollar amounts at our house. Each kid gets $X amount of gifts at Christmas, whether that is in 1 big gift the kid wants, or 5 gifts that equal it. So what is under our tree is fair dollar wise.

We also go through the 'fair' factor since SDs go home and get another huge Christmas from BM, SF, grandparents, etc... but Perfectson gets gifts from me and my parents. Usually my mom overcompensates to make up for it, and I let her!

If he is set on all kids being treated fairly, how about setting a dollar amount per child?? I am a fantastic bargain shopper, and can make $100 stretch a long way. He can get his child what he wants with the money set aside, and you can shop for yours. There's enough time for a lot of clearance hunting. Kids care about quantity anyway, esp if they are still relatively young.

Or, what I would do is say, okay, we will get each child one gift from both of us. Then, I will get MY child gifts from just me, or with the CS money. If you have a set amount of spending money each week for your personal use, save that for x-mas.

On some level, I don't agree with the two parents, two Christmases mentality. MY SK's don't get Christmas with their mother unless it is her year to have them. Last year, they got their gifts in February, even though she saw them the day after Christmas. The girls still have not celebrated their bdays with her, and that was two months ago. Also, some parents practice what is bought at my house, stays at my house. So even though they got "double" presents, it's not really theirs to take where they please.

well b/c I never buy skids anything and I barely see them, my DH will have to buy one gift for each, including my kid, and I would buy gifts only for my own, he knows he can't buy them expensive gifts, he pays a good amount of CS (for BM to buy them expensive gifts) and has tons of debt so probably b/c I'm selfish and b/c I make my own money I'll get my kid whatever I want and can afford and nobody can tell me how much I can spend!!

We set amounts. I buy presents throughout the year for BS and SD4. SD14 doesn't come and has not been to our house in 2 years. We have bought gifts for SD14 in the past years and they have collected dust or she has not taken care of them. So this year SD14 will get money and it will be what DH decides she needs. When I buy throughout the year I spend my little bit that I put back. DH decides what he wants to spend on SD4 and SD14 and his family and I spend on my family. We try to spend equal amounts on all family members, but of course BS and SD4 have more being they are with us. BS is there all the time and SD4 is half the time. My BS gets more than SD4, well money wise I spend more being he is older and SD's things are cheaper being she is so young. So, really I can't compare, but I do limit the number of gifts under the tree. Even if I put some of BS's gifts together in a big box. He and SD4 get the same number under the tree, but SD4 may have a few more toys or BS12 may have a few more clothes.

We spend the same amount on all 3 boys each year. The only difference is my stepsons don't get a gift from Santa at our house because they are at their mom's xmas morning. ( AT 8 & 12 they say they still believe. Who knows if the 12 year old does but they cooperate & have their picture on Santa's lap with their baby brother so what the heck) They do get a stocking at our house and they get something in their.

This year I am thinking of getting them Rockband the beatles edition to share, and maybe 1 smaller gift. ALl 3 kids have way too much stuff so I am cutting back. They know this because my sister is getting married this summer & wants all 5 of us their so the boys know I need to save for that trip. She lives in San Diego so we will do the zoo & maybe Disney.

I never feel my BS get's jipped because he doesn't go without and he has his mom & dad together every day & night my step kids don't have that.

Hey Pixie,
Worry about your son. I have a set amount that I am spending on my kids this year. I've already talked to dh about it, and he is worried b/c money is tight for him (he CAN NOT manage his money). Says he may not be able to afford a lot. I don't feel sorry for him as I've offered to lay out a budget to get him back on his feet, but he keeps making excuses, or "forgetting". So it's a pretty safe bet we have an understanding that he may want to "f" up his kids xmas, but that's his problem. I'm looking after my own. Yet, get this....he wants to split on a xmas gift for he and I (an lcd tv for us for the bdrm), which I have no problem with. However, why can he afford that, but nothing for his kids? I mean it's his decision, but....anyway......I would worry about you and yours, let him worry about him and his - atleast until he gets the hang of this family thing he thought he wanted so bad.