Why would your husband blame you, when she’s the one who cut off contact and called him a bad father etc? Hopefully he’s smarter than that, but I suppose it depends how desperate he is to have his ODD and grandchild in his life. 

If you haven’t prevented him from seeing or having a relationship with his daughter, I can’t see how he’d turn on you. You aren’t stopping him from having a relationship now, so why would you have back then? 

Youre not a bad person for feeling anxious about this, and she’s not right about you. She’s just being the same horrid, manipulative person she’s always been from what you described. I’ve never met my DH’s daughter, and truth be told I could go the rest of my life never meeting her. If she were to suddenly spring up out of nowhere I’d be anxious too. 

Please just breathe, remain disengaged from her, and continuing to support your DH and his relationship with his kid. 

I totally understand how your feeling my DH has just spoken to SD he thinks she might change mind you last week she still screamed at him that she hates me & never wants anything to do with me & my family. It's been 16 years of hell with this girl & he cut contact to a degree now I'm scared if he let's her in she'll play her games & because I've said I'm out I'm done he will expect in time I make an effort & If I don't she'll paint me as the problem. I feel sick & panicked at just the thought of her seeing him & what's to come, I can't forgive someone who sent me pics of dead aborted babies after I miscarriaged his baby. Your not alone I feel your pain

You really need to discuss your feelings with DH. You shouldn't be made to feel like this. Has your DH responded asking what she means by he can't stand up to you?

 My DH got a letter from alienated SD17 last month basically blaming me for all her problems. She's seen we are getting on with our lives and happy again, so I'm guessing that's what's triggered it. I know its BM behind it all, but still made me feel sick and I couldn't sleep. DH responded to all her grievances point by point, then ended the message telling her to never disrespect me ever again. He hasn't had a response, but he's ok with that and I'm sleeping again. 

One thing I do that I believe helps:

I'm pleasant to be around.  DH and I have a lot of fun together.

OTOH, Killjoy is unpleasant, a real killjoy.  Their relationship is fraught.

So he gravitates towards me.

for the PASout.  GUAR-AN-TEED!

I think fear and anxiety are common responses when we SMs feel threatened. Many of us have been wounded repeatedly by these dysfunctional skids, and since we have so little control, the idea of that chaos and negativity returning to our lives is naturally upsetting. Those feelings of fear, anxiety, and helplessness can turn into depression, so please take good care of yourself.

I found it helped to focus on what I could control: myself, and my boundaries, and my beautiful skid-free life. When some skid or SIL poo would pop up, my fight or flight response would start to kick in. I learned to calm my mind, focus on my breathing, and remind myself that I was safe. I had options, an exit strategy, and an H who knew I was dead serious about not going back to the way things had been. I also had developed a full and enjoyable social network and hobbies, so lots of positive things that kept me too busy to dwell on my H's baggage. It took time to feel safe and stop allowing worry about things that hadn't actually happened to affect me, but I'm in a really good place now. DH is free to have whatever relationships he chooses with his people, as long as it doesn't interfere with our life together. 

You control you, your life, and who and what you allow in it. You are a person in your own right, and do not need to accept poor treatment just because it would make things easier for the man in your life. Love and nurture yourself, and leave your H's mess for him to figure out.

Edit: It's so very common for an SD to blame the SM for every wrong real and imagined, it's practically a badge of honor. There's that female competitiveness/miniwife stuff going on, and psychologically it's hard to see your parents for who they are and the mistakes they've made. Lastly, we are often the gatekeeper. We see things more objectively and are harder to fool, often limiting an SD's ability to manipulate and get away with bad behavior. It really isnt personal; a SM is just an obstacle and target that symbolizes the loss and failure of first family. You simply cant allow yourself to get tangled up in self doubt or hurt that a skid doesn't like you; their core issues predate you and are not about you. You're just a convenient scapegoat for an emotionally stunted skid.

Parrotmom, I tried to send you a private message but I think you have messaging disabled? 

Feel free to pm me if you would like.