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Well its happened.....

Parrotmom's picture

Its been a while since my last post, things had been quiet on the old step daughter front. She has her son, a boyfriend and a new home, then......Yesterday was the day she contacted my husband after 9 years of bearly any contact (when there was any contact it was shitty messages making sure she made it clear she blamed me for all of this!) It was a sickingly nice message saying how lifes is too short and how she would love to build a relationship with him... no mention of our kids, just him. I have made my thoughts clear on numerous occasions that he can see her, I would never stop that, I'm not the evil step mom she made me out to be but I will have no relationship with her. I don't trust her. He has said any relationship he does have will be on his terms and at the first sign of it going south again will nip it in the bud but I can't live like that, I can't wait for her to turn sour again and be back at square one, watching H going through all that pain and heartache again! Am I wrong not to want anything to do with her? Am I just playing into her hands? Do I just put my big girl pants on and except her and her son into our lives and fake my happiness for the sake of my marriage or stick to my guns and let her ruin our life all over again. I need your help PLEASE! X


JRI's picture

Your DH is going to do whatever he does.  If you see her again, I'd be polite and civil.  Maybe she has matured, miracles do happen.  But I'm sure you will be ultra cautious.  It sounds like your DH is on to her shenanigans, that's a relief.   I'm 76yo, it never ends.

The_Upgrade's picture

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do if your DH wants to throw himself on that rollercoaster again. Your post is a very accurate description of my future. I'm praying DH will have passed away before SD is old enough to get married and pop out a new hostage. The limits I would set are that he sees her outside our home. SD has shown no interest in her half sister and I'm not allowing DD on that rollercoaster until she is old enough to protect herself from their dysfunction. And if SD is interested in a healthy relationship, then I would say prove it by keeping money off the table. A healthy relationship does NOT need "if you love me you will pay for...."

I would put on my big girl pants and hold the boundaries firm to protect my marriage, and stop her from ruining our life all over again. Actions have consequences. 

Parrotmom's picture

My eldest daughter is 18 so I will leave the ball in her court as to if she wants a relationship ship with her half sister but my lad is on 13 and doesn't really remember her as he was so young when she decided we were the worst people on earth!!! So I will protect him from her with all my heart. I'm just really scared she will drive a wedge between me and H and he will be too blinded by his new found relationship to see it. (She is already using the grandson as bait)  We are so happy, have a great life, a great relationship I am just so scared this will be the beginning of the end. (Oh man I just can't stop crying) 

Stepdrama2020's picture

"oh man I cant stop crying"   I feel your hurt, and your impending doom. These toxic SD's have a way of hurting people,  over and over and over.

Other than keeping away, there isnt much you can do. Yes she will cause problems with you and DH. A leopard does not change its spots, and a toxic SD never rids of toxic.

I sound negative and bleak, cause BTDT.

HUGS hun. Keep your boundaries, there isnt much else you can do. Afterall your DH will want a relationship with her, but she wont behave for long. They never do. If your DH is a good one he will nip this shit in the bud. All you can do is protect YOUR heart, you cant protect his. That is his doing. 


Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Your concerns are understandable. It sounds like the best thing for you to do is to stay away from her and out of it. Just continue living life as normal on your end. 

Whatever happens between them, leave it between them. Last time So had a relationship with SD and she blamed me for her departure it almost ended out relationship. This time it's going to be just SO and SD and whatever happens between them I am staying out of it. 

I will not give him advice, I will not tell him what to do. He will have free reign to handle Thier relationship as he sees fit. This way when it goes south because it will. I know this because she is a delinquent and he is too soft on her. That will be his problem alone to deal with and I will not be the bad guy this time.

I have relinquished my culpability by insisting that due to previous issues between us that I will not even attempt to have a relationship with SD unless she agrees to go to counseling with me. Since I know that will never happen and my request is sensible and reasonable. SO is understanding and supportive of my decision.

Parrotmom's picture

My husband is a good man which is why I love him but its also what infuriates me as SD will take full advantage of this. She is already using her son as bait to draw him in and I'm going to find it so hard to sit back and let him carry on without me but I know you are right, he needs to do this on his own and when she turns, which she definitely will I can sit back and bask in the fact she can't blame me. I was just hoping for a perfectly smooth life, silly of me I know..... 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I think we have to accept with SKs there to never expect a perfectly smooth life. I know how it feels to see someone you care about being taken advantage of, used and hurt.

But as a grown man he has to establish his own boundaries. This has to be his journey and to protect your relationship you have to let him do what he thinks is best. If you don't let him follow his heart it will only cause animosity.

It's no different than watching your own child get involved in a bad relationship. They have to figure it out for themselves.

tog redux's picture

You are right to stay out of it - let your DH have his relationship with her and see how it goes.  I can't imagine just saying you don't want to see her will end your marriage, but I understand the anxiety.  I did the same thing when my SS21 returned from 3 years of not speaking to DH - I just wasn't ready to forgive and forget.  I was nervous about telling DH, but he was understanding.

Now I do see SS, but we really only see him about 3x a year, which I can tolerate. DH texts with him, but I don't ask a lot of questions.

ESMOD's picture

I did a brief scroll through your past posts.

It seems like this girl was PAS'ed by her mom... and while she had some jealousy behaviors as a child when you got pregnant the first time etc.. it does seem that her mommy was pushing the narrative.. seems that your old BF had a grudge and used her daughter to push it.

Honestly, in this case... you really need to try to allow for the very real possibility that people do grow up.. think for themselves.. perhaps she DOES really want a relationship with dad.   

This is his call.... this is his relationship to manage.  If, in time, she proves to have turned over a new leaf... you and your kids can decide for yourselves whether you are interested in relationships of your own with her.  Your DH sounds like he is prepared for it to not go well.. so to an extent.. I think you just need to see how it plays out.

But.. yeah.. kids can mature.. I'm sure there is a lot of water under the bridge.. from both sides of the bank.. and maybe at some point that can be history and not an ever present issue.  It is hard to move forward while clinging to past hurts that a small child may have parotted.  Of course, we don't have to let our guard down completely with people who as older teens/adults have hurt us.. but her absence may have been protective measures for herself.

advice.only2's picture

I have a grown SD who recently decided to get back involved in her father's life. I let my DH know that I was uncomfortable at this point having any involvement with Spawn because of our past. I told him I fully supported him going forward with working on his relationship with her, but that I was going to stay out of it unless and until I feel more comfortable.

Parrotmom's picture

My emotions are completely shot at the moment so forgive me if this ends up a bit of a ramble but THANK YOU. Last night and this morning I have been a wreck (obviously out of sight of my husband and kids cause I really don't want to influence anyones decisions) I have cried and screamed, I'm scared to death that this will rock us to the core once again and mine and my husbands relationship will not stand it again! But after reading your comments I have a sense of calm, as much as I will hate giving her exactly what she wants, her dad to herself I feel I can do this. I'm not sure I will be the best at holding my tongue if he mentions her but I suppose given time it will get easier. Its not like he will be seeing her every weekend, she's a grown woman with her own family now and we have a very hectic life ourselves so it is definitely going to be a here and there relationship. I feel terrible for hoping it does end in tears again just so I can think... I told you so!!! But I do keep trying to see it from his point of view and I think that's what upsets me, knowing he is truly stuck between a rock and a hard place. X

JRI's picture

I commend you for seeing the situation clearly.  I was thinking about your DH, let's take a mind trip here.  Lets say you had a son from your former marriage.  You've been estranged for awhile but you can't forget what a darling baby he was and remembering all your hopes for him.  He had caused many problems in your new marriage.  Your spouse is understandably leery of him and defensive.  He contacts you again after years and has a baby girl now.  You treasure your new spouse and kids but long to see him again.

Your DH is in a tough position.



Parrotmom's picture

I'm not gonna lie, its not going to be easy but yes I've tried to put myself there its the hardest situation in the world cause all I want to do is protect my kids.