You are here

Disengagement and other coping techniques...

Over_it's picture

After years of being a hands on step-mum, I disengaged some about a year ago and totally about 6 months ago when my MIL started to interfere and comment on how the skids are treated in our home.

MIL reckons I'm a bad mother because I refuse to make their beds and wipe their butts in the morning. Having reminded her that the skids are here to spend time with their Father not me, and that they are actually not my kids and I really don't have to do a thing for them, that's just what I decided to do! Since I don't like them anyway it's been easy for me to 'stay out of it' and only intervene where BD is concerned. I must say, our household was much happier when I was more involved...

My Christmas shopping is done, and skids have each a couple of gifts from me to place under the tree - I personally spent over a grand on them last year but not no more! My only contribution to their Christmas this year, will be to hassle the hell out of their Dad about what he plans on giving them. Left up to him, they'll end up with nothing from him at all.

So, going through the blogs, disengagement seems to somewhat work for us...

How do other stepmums make the most out of our less than ideal situations?


Over_it's picture

Mmm, wine... We're in the same boat! My second child is due in February so booze is a no go zone for me too at least until I'm done breastfeeding. Ick! The thought of SS touching my newborn after he's gone for gold on his snout! He actually eats his boogers so at least he cleans up after himself in that respect LOL

It can't be great for you to hang out in your room all weekend - btw, I've thought of that aswell. I've also thought of going to my mums for those weekends but don't think it's fair on BD or DH, and God knows I'll give the skids stuff to charity (including their Dad LOL) before they run us out of our home!

Speaking of school, SD told me no-one likes her at school and she's bullied because the kids say she's got no brains. LOL what do you say to that when you're in agreeance! I responded "how sad" but sooooooooooo wanted to say more! Well, I'm a primary school teacher - probably called middle school in the U.S. - and I'm blessed that I've never met a kid that whines like she does or as thick as she is... "ah, Dad, I know what dumb means but what does dumber mean?" - just one of the serious questions she asked not so long ago!

I'm about to call Family Relationships Australia to see what they have to say for stepmums. Previously they've been all about reconciling bio-parents. There's not much help out there for us.

Hey, good luck with the baby!

JustAnotherSM's picture

I can relate. I spent many years as an active SM before I disengaged about 2 years ago. I agree with you that "I must say, our household was much happier when I was more involved..."

I have learned that you can't go back to the way things used to be. I still love my SS18, but my interaction with him is on a different level now. I will make small talk and chit-chat with SS but I only engage in a conversation if he initiates. I do not go out of my way to do nice things for SS anymore, but if he needs something he knows he can come to me and ask.

I did what I could to try to teach SS to be a responsible young man. Now it's time for him to figure it out on his own. I have 2 bios to worry about which distracts me from worrying about SS. Over time I have found that I don't worry about SS that much at all anymore.

hbell0428's picture

I agree w/ worrying about you BK's. I try to get DH to understand that me disengaging is the right thing to do since I don't agree with how he parents SD13 AT ALL. He says I am bieng a BI*. Whatever. He spends more time worrying how I am treating his daughter then about how SD own mother made her move out.....Give me a break

Eyes Wide Open's picture


....couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take the total lack of personal responsibility, the attitude of entitlement, the belief that those who work should pay for those who decide not to....etc. etc.....

Christmas should be great....I bought one gift for the Grandskid4 because I know DH will try to give her money. Didn't buy a dang thing for the Skadults. I know DH will hit the ATM on Christmas Eve--nothing says "I forgot to get you anything for Christmas" like a handful of $20's from the machine stuffed into the bank envelope!


Mominator's picture

I'm COMPLETELY disengaged from both my adult SD brats. I'm not spending a dime on them ever. DH still believes he needs to go cough up $200 a piece in gift cards this year and mail them to his beatchy little darlings (in the hopes that all his love *COUGH* *COUGH* will be received and they'll eventually want to have a relationship with him).

I keep telling him "do you really think you want to keep writing checks and them cashing them, yet they want ZERO to do with you?? No contact, no NOTHING?!?!?!" I guess he's not quite done with laying his sack down on the floor for them to wipe their feet on this Christmas season.

He goes to see his Therapist next week, and I hope to God she's smart enough to tell him, after a certain amount of time, he needs to just QUIT writing checks and send cards only.

I FIRMLY believe that will be the QUICKEST way for them to wake up and realize dear daddy isn't going to keep dishing out the family fortune on them anymore if they don't want to bother being a part of his life.

Over_it's picture

I'm a stepkid myself. Don't speak to my dead-beat stepdad anymore though - my mum and he split a few years back but share 3 grown kids - he was a violent SOB and now he's an antisocial narcissus who knows it all. I would have given all the Christmas's in the world for my bio-dad to WANT a relationship with me... What's wrong with these brats!?

Mominator's picture

.....they are part of the e-generation *entitled* *selfish* *narcissistic*

Unless daddy is doing what he's told, they want nothing to do with him.

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Oh yeah....I'm the total bitch, too. DH's family just doesn't understand why I don't kill the fatted calf every time SD pops out a kid and shows up expecting gifts. They don't understand why I'm not putting up with SS26's crap anymore, even though he's not allowed to attend any family functions because of "something he did" to one of his female cousins (that I was never made privy to). I'm the bitch because I speak my mind when DH's family FORGETS to call him when his father is in the hospital (15 miles down the road) and I make mention that no one "forgets" to call when they are having an event that requires gifts or food! I'm the bitch when I refuse to go to a family dinner that I know darn well was planned in advance, and they call US an hour ahead of time, expecting us to drop everything and show up.

Yeah....they ain't seen "Bitch", yet!