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Why are my feelings sometimes the opposite of what they should be?

Omghelpme's picture

I've noticed two different things as of late about myself that I don't really understand.

The first one is when my husband interacts with his daughter, instead of feeling proud of my husband or loving him for being a loving father, I have less positive feelings towards him. Is this just jealousy?

The second is that one day my stepdaughter randomly was much friendlier and wanted to interact more. She usually has shown great disdain for me. Instead of feeling happy about her interest in me like I should have, I felt confused and uncomfortable and actually kind of wanted to get away from her. I dont understand this, after all of the time she has spent hating me, I should have been glad to see the opposite.

Comments

CLove's picture

Well, I think that its completely undertandable that you would be feeling weird when she suddenly starts "liking you" after she has acted like she hated you. I dont recall your backstory, but sometimes kids are acting as "spies", so she could be trying to befriend you to "gather intel", or to gain trust only to betray you somehow.

captjacksprrw's picture

Please talk it out some.  Either with DH or with a counselor then DH.  I totally understand being wary when SD was suddenly nice.  I experienced shifts from my two SS's - started out great and later I was 'that man' etc.  Now much better.  However, the cost was repressed resentment and anger which festered in me and as a result I went fro upbeat and happy to downtrodden and angry.  On the way to come back from that but it seems you have been smart enogh to see an issue muccccch soone that in my case.  Use that, explore and seek to understand

tog redux's picture

Who says what your feelings SHOULD be?  Trust your feelings, they give a clue as to what is going on for you. Don't assume they are the problem, examine them and figure out why they are there. 

Perhaps you don't feel positive when you see him with SD because he isn't being a loving father, he's overindulging and coddling her.  And not being happy when she's suddenly nice to you seems healthy to me. 

Kes's picture

^^^ This^^^   - our feelings have important things to tell us - they are never random.   If someone who has behaved in a hostile manner to us for years suddenly starts being sweet, of course it sets alarm bells off.   If I hear my DH overpraising his daughters and not picking them up on their bullshit, it makes me want to barf.  This is not being a good father, it is being a sycophant. 

Omghelpme's picture

These are certainly things to consider. I suppose part of it is that shes a child so I feel like I should be able to just look past any mistakes she has made as perhaps shes growing up.

Also, my DH is very eager for everything to be in the past when he sees her being at all pleasant to me and doesnt understand why I still feel some way about SD if she is not misbehaving. And I cannot give him a good reason.

tog redux's picture

Because you shouldn't trust any change in behavior until you've seen it for a consistent period of time. 9-year-olds are more than capable of manipulating a situation by being "nice", and they are also capable of being "nice" on the surface and then causing you harm in a backhanded way.

Sounds like DH is the one telling you how you should feel, so trust your gut.  You can be kind to SD while still being wary of her behavior getting bad again.

Thisisnotus's picture

I can relate! When I see my DH with our toddler....I get those warm fuzzy feelings and think he is a great dad. When I see him with SD16 and SD12....it makes me feel uneasy....like it's fake. Because I think it's fake. I don't know that my DH and skids ever formed much of a bond....BM and MIL literally parented these kids and did 99% of the things for them for their entire lives up until 4 years ago....I don't think it's my DH's fault....BM and MIL are both insanely controlling and my DH is passive.....

DH was never left alone with skids over night...if BM went out of town...MIL watched skids. It is so weird to me. Also, BM spent most of her time at her family's homes instead of at home with DH.....he even said that when skids were younger....they once called him "Uncle" instead of daddy......b/c all of their cousins where they spent all their time called him "Uncle"

With our child....I didn't give DH a choice to not participate. He cares for her as much as me.......so there is a bond forming.

I think my DH and his skids had to get to know each other in different roles after the divorce......but it was almost too late for that father/daughter bond. BM acted like mom and dad.......again so weird.