What is healthy?
I’m facing an unexpected resurgence of jealousy I had been suppressing, but I’m seeing more clearly why I’ve felt so much jealousy over the years, and it’s making me sad. I’m wondering if you can help me unpack this.
Long story short: SD14 is struggling with mental illness. Started out as depression and anxiety, but progressed to some extremely severe episodes and disturbing behavioral patterns in a matter of weeks. She’s going to receive treatment through a partial hospitalization program soon.
One of the things that has been happening is erratic, explosive behavior (just one of many, many things) and last night it hit a peak when she raised against her dad (my SO), harassing him and calling him abusive, etc. It was a major episode, and it hit him especially hard today after she rehashed it for a round 2 on the way to a consultation for the treatment program.
My SO has been terribly distressed by this, and I’ve been helping him separate his fatherhood and parenting from her mental illness symptoms, but it’s hard for him to get past the idea that she’s being cold and he’s “losing” her.
i write this from our bed as he’s in her bedroom alone (she’s with her BM tonight). He told me he just needed to spend a few minutes in there, which I understand, except I can’t help but feel weirded out by it. It’s like he’s in mourning, and like he’s “lost” his daughter. I get a distinct feeling he doesn’t put me first at all, and while I understand her wellbeing is a top priority as a parent, I can’t help but feel like he wouldn’t miss me like that or feel as strongly about losing me.
He told me today that his soul feels like it was ripped out of his body and that he can’t remember when he felt this sad last. Is this normal? To act like you’re mourning your kid? There are some underlying issues that conflate this, but I’d like a realistic perspective on what I’m observing. I’ve just been by his side all night, soothing and comforting him and trying to help him through his emotions. I can’t tell whether I just lack a healthy perspective on parent-child attachments since my own relationship with my parents were not healthy.
There’s a lot more to unpack about this, of course.
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TBH, I think he’s being
TBH, I think he’s being dramatic. I didn’t have severe mental illness when I was a teenager, but I definitely dealt with the anger, hormones & general crap attitude when I was that age.
There were a few times when I’d say things like ‘I hate you’ to my mum or ‘call her out’ on things I didn’t like or agree on, but she never, ever, EVER gave me power over her when I did.
Her response was always the same, ‘you can hate me but you’re still doing [insert thing here], or she’d remove me from her presence until I could manage my emotions.
It was extremely effective, because it proved that I couldn’t manipulate her to get my way, and kept the balance of power exactly where it belonged: with my mum.
Your SO is dealing with a child who’s battling mental illness, but that doesn’t mean he needs to cow tow to her or mope around because she’s said these things to him. He needs to maintain healthy boundaries with his kid regardless of what’s going on, otherwise he’s giving her too much power & she’s not emotionally mature enough to be able to handle it.
I very much came from the kind of family where, if one of the four of us ever threatened to call CPS (not that we did), our parents would have responded along the lines of, go for it & see how it works out.
They called our bluff on things like that because they knew a) they were in control, b) there was no abuse in our home (unless you call chores abuse, which some kids apparently do).
I understand your SO is upset, but he needs to stop giving his kid so much power. Kids will say hurtful things to their parents as a means to try to manipulate them. It’s up to him to allow it or not, and right now he’s allowing it. Grow some thicker skin & cut out the dramatics.
Hopefully the mental health professionals can help her with her struggles, from the sounds of it I think he could use counselling or therapy too.
Thanks for this. I always
Thanks for this. I always envision parenting a kid the way you've described, but since I'm not of bio-status in this relationship, I have much less input. Not that my SO isn't receptive to my own suggestions, especially in the past couple of months since it has become evident that much of the struggle over the past few years has been due to a mental illness that is getting worse and needed addressing immediately. As for his own issues, he's been getting consistent help for his depression and alcohol dependency and started meds two years ago that have turned things around quite dramatically. He's struggled his whole life with these issues, and while there are patterns that are still being worked on, he's like a new person compared to where he was just 3 or 4 years ago. Worth mentioning that mental illness runs on both sides of my SD's family...
Unfortunately, he is a helicopter parent, which is the opposite of what my parents ever were or what I've ever thought was a healthy approach to parenting. He is aware of this and is trying to alter it. It's an admittedly tough spot he's in, because BM is irresponsible, and with that coupled with the kid's psych issues, much of the parenting falls on his shoulders. He at least realizes that his micromanagement comes from worrying that his kid will shut down and do nothing, which I've seen happen many times (she's also got severe depression). I've been telling him she needs to experience failure from time to time, but for him it's been difficult to let her fail as she deals with her mental health issues AND bullying at school on top of that. An unfortunate side effect of that has been her having inconsistent ideas about boundaries, expectations, and leniency. She's got a poor concept of her role as a kid and sees our household as a triangular dynamic, which is what gets me the most frustrated.
It's not true that he is abusive, but I think he's worried that he has "made" her this way since he often ends up yelling when he's exacerbated by her acting out (something that has happened more recently than it had in the past given the over the top stress levels). Her BM does the same thing, and while I'll admit both parents have some personal issues that don't make things easier, the kid has gotten a sense of boldness and entitlement that feels like its own animal and separate from having a couple of somewhat flawed parents.
Her BM, my SO, and I got together this morning to discuss some of the more severe patterns that are happening (I am lucky to have a decent relationship with BM). I was able to convince them both that their kid is manipulating situations and pushing buttons more and more to get a reaction out of all of us, and we all agreed we're falling for the traps because we've felt so helpless in dealing with her issues. It's particularly worrisome that she would accuse my SO of being emotionally abusive, because two years ago she actually called the police and told them that he was as revenge. An investigation came about, and of course nothing corroborated the claim, but we're beginning to worry she might try something like that again.
As a step parent, apart from the circus of drama that comes with this kid, I need to figure out how I can deal with the frustration from my end of things. This kid is a nightmare sometimes. She demonizes me constantly, with a jekyl and hyde way of flipping from amicable and even friendly to finding something to begrudge me over. For instance, two nights ago, prior to her blowup with her dad and after an evening of being quite friendly with me, she got pissed at me out of nowhere because I walked behind her in the kitchen rather than going on the other side of the kitchen island. I had errands to run and let myself get into it a little with her--big mistake.
My SO has asked me to let him know if I notice him slipping into micromanaging, inadvertently breaking down parent-daughter boundaries, or other contributing factors that have enabled her to think she can run our two different households. I'm frustrated these things aren't just evident to him, as an adult with a child in his charge.
I think it's pretty normal
I think it's pretty normal for him to be grieving for his lost hopes and dreams he had for his daughter. If her mental illness has taken a sharp turn for the worse, he may be realizing that she will unlikely live a normal, healthy life if she is not open to her treatments. He may very well feel like his little girl is gone and she has been replaced by an angry, damaged teen.
My DH went through a grieving period when his kids stopped speaking to him or coming over on the weekends.
If his grief lasts more than a few weeks, he should definitely see a therapist himself.
I agree.. it would be pretty
I agree.. it would be pretty normal to be devastated by knowing your child has a mental illness to the point that they need hospitalization for it.
I agree with you to a point,
I agree with you to a point, but based on OP’s other post, it sounds like her SO has contributed to his daughters behaviour. I’m glad his DD is getting the help she needs, that can’t be easy for any of them, but I also think he could be a better parent & likely needs help himself.
https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/bio-child-free-zone/blow-ups-an...