in a perfect world, I can see where this idea of yours would work out.
But in the imperfect world that we all live in things just aren't this black and white. Society as a whole expects the "new wife" or "so" to behave in a motherly manner toward children that are not her's. I think that this is also a kickback to the whole "stepmom" term.

It would be awesome to break out of this perpetuated ideology. But I don't see it happening anytime soon. Regardless of the term or how it came to be.... it's come to mean something different in today's world.

I never ever tried to be a mother to my SDs, just to have a cordial relationship with them, while my DH handled the parenting. However, this was stymied by their mother who hated me before she met me, and did everything she could to make her daughters hate me as well. I did not break up their marriage, they were already separated.

If you have a reasonable relationship with your SD, be thankful. Many of us on here are here because our relationships with SKIDs are adversely affected by things out of our control. As Wednesday Martin points out in her book "Stepmonster" - the relationship that the Step parent is able/not able to forge with the SKIDs is largely down to the attitude of the bio parents, whether they encourage and allow a warm relationship to exist between step and child. This was manifestly not the case for me.

My SS does have a mother. And he has a STEPmother, me. In our home, I am the mother. We are afamily, with a mom and a dad and sisters and a brother. If he needs something that typically a "mother" would do (i.e. mend a pair of shorts, or plan his birthday party) that's me... I do that. When he is with his mom, his mom does that. He does not call me "mom" he has a nickname for me. The kids go to school in our district so I enroll him, I sign him up for baseball, I purchase his school supplies and write his name inside of them. Some of these things I do because I have learned over the past 8 years that if I DON'T do it, it won't get done for him. I also do them because I love him.

At my job, I have a counter part. There are TWO of "me". Just because the occupation is filled doesn't mean their isn't a need for an additional to "pick up the slack".

I agree with you. I always describe myself as the “nice Aunt” type. I think you were the cool Aunt right?

SS has a mother; I was never a “step mother” to SS, even when he lived with us. I was nice and never mean, but I had my own kids to raise and SS was DH’s responsibility.

I think at first a lot of us jump in to be better than BM. IT WILL NEVER WORK. She will always be mom.

I definitely don't try to be a motherly figure to my BF's kids. For one reason, I feel like I'm too young to be a parent figure to a 17 and almost 11 year old. Thanks to this blog, I do a lot of the disengaging thing to avoid getting caught up in parental drama. It really does save my sanity! (Thank you!! ) I can't be too sure, but I would suspect that no one is looking in on our relationship and expecting me to act like a second mother to his kids. they do have their mother. I'm just Dad's GF that lives with them. I don't know if that changes if/when we marry. But I dunno, I kinda side with not-really-my-thing on trying to take on a role that's already filled. And of course every circumstance is different. I think disengaging is the closest thing we can get to in that perfect world.

Now in my situation, i think my BF would LOVE it if I acted motherly towards his kids. But that's an unrealistic expectation. I've been around his kids for over a year now and can't really say that I even love them. i care about them a lot of course but do I love them as my own? heck no. The oldest is at best like a little sister to me and I have cousins that are the same age as my BF's youngest. No where in there is a mother-child relationship and I would never dream of trying to infringe upon BM's relationship with her kids. I have no need to and I don't personally feel any pressure from society to act that way.

I kind of disagree not-really-my-thing. I think that most step-parents have a problem with their DH *assuming* that we will take over the role of mother in the house over their kids, which obviously causes a lot of problems.

Yes, at first, I assumed that we'd treat all of the kids the same in our house. But when it became apparent to me that this wasn't going to happen, I stepped back and disengaged. Not my kid, not my problem. DH doesn't like it to this day, but it's the only way for me to remain healthy and sane while being a good parent to my bio-kids.

So to me, the real issue are the DH's out there having completely unrealistic expectations of us as step-parents, and the chaos that occurs as a result of those expectations.

It should be simple. Unless one parent is dead, the step-kid has two bio-parents. Those parents should be responsible for how that kid turns out, good or bad. That's it.

I am wondering why you are on this site, NotReallyMyThing. It just seems you have your parameters set and that is very cool and very good for you.

However, you are also being somewhat belittling to the people on here who are having a difficult time with things. If you are in a good and secure place with your DH and your skids, is it necessary to mock women who are struggling?

I agree that there are situations where this applies. I see many SM's stepping on toes while trying to play the "mother" role, but I do think there are situations (an absent or an involved-when-it's-convenient BM) that pull a SM into more of a mother-figure role.

I see SM's trodding on BM's feet when she's able for the sake of giving BM what she "deserves". I see SM's innocently overstepping, just because we're all new to this at some point & need to learn where the boundaries are. Some are eager to play "mother". Some are just trying to be involved because they love the kids & want to do what they can for them.

There's no "How-to" manual for being a good stepmom. We just need to find the place we fit in best. Are we willing to offer what's needed from us? Do we feel like we need a situation that allows us to be more active? We need to recognize the importance of functioning in that place, & decide whether or not it's a place we can feel happy being in. If it is, great! If not, maybe we need to re-evaluate & find a situation that better suits us.

In our situation, BM was absent for the first 2-3 years I knew my DH & his kids. It required more involvement on my part that I was happy to provide. Our situation has changed. We are NCP now. BM is active & present, so less is required of me.

Do I feel like she's a good mom? No
Do I feel like I could do better? Absolutely
Do I take it upon myself to prove it? Absolutely not.

It isn't because I don't love Dh's kids or want more for them. It's because I'd be crossing boundaries & creating more problems for myself, my DH, & his kids if I did.

Pook...I don't see her as belittling at all. I wonder the same thing myself. I think she brings a fresh, welcome view, on step parenting.

I don't really consider myself a 'stepmom' even though that is what SD and BM usually refer to me as. Although I have somehow been sucked in recent years to play the adult in situations where BM would call distraught, not knowing how to parent or discipline her own kid or when DH pussyfoots around and will sometimes be an amazing parent and sometimes he throws on his daddygoggles and forgets how mentally ill his daughter is and how much structure and discipline she DOES need (please read my previous blogs to understand the 'mentally ill' part). I usually try to keep to myself and focus solely on our marriage, only interfering when SD's shenanigans are harming me or my animals or possessions. I wouldn't ever want anyone to think I raised SD, it'd only make me feel shame. When the days come that SD needs a prom dress or a wedding dress or her first date (if she doesn't kill him before the date starts) or whatever, that is all up to her mother to deal with. I am just a bystander that sometimes has to step in when my rights and property is being damaged or harmed.

I agree. But note, that although I SOMETIMES refer to loser as SKID, I normally refer to her as my husband's daughter. I have never once tried to replace her mother, override her mother or anything similar. It was THE MOTHER and FAMILY that expected ME to take care of her as a mother, which I constantly refused to do. Because I didn't, then they treated me like crap because I would not treat her as a daughter...so sometimes, you can't win.

Lots to take in here. I am a Bio and a SM. Lately, and I mean VERY recently, I have been questioning the WHY I insist on "mothering" these kids that are NOT mine. If I were to be completely honest I'd have to say that #1 - it was ME trying to show DH and Skids that THIS is what a REAL mother behaves like. So yes, a part of it was me trying to outdo the BM. She's a hot mess.
#2 - I genuinely liked the Skids. They have always been pretty good kids. Have never in 12 years been disrespectful to me. But lately, things have begun to shift in our home.
I think my DHs lack of parenting has begun to tick me off. At first I was all gung ho about being in charge, Now, not so much. DH doesn't set rules, regulations, curfews, expectations. NOTHING. At the end of the day, why do I care if these kids fail in life? They aren't mine. They DO have a mother and despite her always being a shitty mother, her kids adore her, so all that effort and energy that I put into those kids, I have started to slowly pull back.
Just this morning DH called me at work to ask if I had ordered his daughters birthday present. I said NO. I know he was very stunned, because usually I am the one that handles all that. Today, he had to handle it on his own. And I don't feel the least bit shitty about it either. Fuck em...

I think it really depends on your situation. I think it's easy for women who already have children because the expectation for all children in the home should be the same. We all hear, all the time, from all the experts and non-experts, that consistency is key. So if you have children that live with you full time, and then you have SKIDS who don't, it's really confusing if the rules ar different for your children. At least that is some of the impression I get from some of the things I read, and to those women, I say God Bless You, because honestly, parenting is hard enough when there is one set of rules and if DH isn't going to step in and do the rules someone has to in order to maintain a good structure for the bios.

For some women, I do think there is a nurturing and mothering side that comes out and there is a natural inclination to want to parent or comfort or however you want to define it. Some women I think want to provide a good role model when there may not be another to do that. Some women want the children to be comfortable in both homes because honestly, the kids have no control over the changes in their lives and as adults there is, at least on some level, responsibility for all adults involved to try to make some of that transition easier (does not mean you have to kill yourself doing it for shit SKIDS...don't get me wrong) and for a lot of women, from what I have been reading, it's an adjustment because this is new for them and they have never been a SM before (myself included) in which case they are learning by doing.

In my case it's several things. One, I love the SO and I love the kids. I can't help it. They are, for the most part, great kids who have been through a lot and are clearly older than their age (and that's not me saying it, that's everyone I have encountered including my own family). For two, they got a shit deal from the BM side of the equation and that is absolutely not their fault, and they deserve to have at least one mothering figure in their life who is willing to force them to eat peas and say please and thank you. Three, my SO has four kids; works full time as I do, and deals with crazy BM. I don't have to deal with her, but it's terribly overwhelming for him. And we see ourselves as a team so we back each other up. It would be hard for me to be a team member if I refused to play. That is entirely my opinion and not a criticism of those who have chosen to disengage because after a few months on here I can see why several do, and support them wholeheartedly. Four, I spent the better part of my career working with kids in the juvenile system who had shit lives and shit parents. I can see what impact that has on children. I know you can do everything right and still screw up a kid, but if that happens then that is fate. If I choose to be a part of these kids' lives then I have a duty to try my best to make sure they don't end up worse off then they are already. And finally, I love them. I do. Totally and completely. I know it will be different when I have my own, but I don't and right now I can't imagine loving anything as fiercely as I do these kids. So for me, I don't have a choice, it's important for me to be a part of their lives, to offer my guidance and my experience and to learn with them daily what it means to be a parent. But that's my experience, it's different and completely unrelated to anyone else's. I am lucky so far, they are good kids who love me. There may come a day when I decide to homicide all of them, but for now, I will keep them around.

I wish that were the case. Even in the beginning I was firm about these are YOUR kids and your responsibility. But what can i do when that "emergency" situation he needs me to babysit becomes and every day thing. When he asked me to "help" him with this and that and now it's expected. When I woke him up to take care of his kids last week it turned into a knock down drag out fight because "we are supposed to be a team". I do not want to parent these children in ANY way, they have two capable parents. But there was no one around to warn me, there was no one telling me what my life dating a guy with kids would turn into. Trust me, I don't want to be a step parent. But when both of those parents are leaving their child up to me what am I supposed to do? I either leave or continue on with what I allowed to happen. My SD11s BM expects so much because "that's what a step parent should do" and no matter what I've said or tried to do and not do, here I am.

There are so many different things at play and every situation is different.

The #1 thing seems to be lack of communication. I think a lot of people get into relationships and the next thing you know, it's serious, and then there are expectations but nothing was ever really talked about. The phrase, "It will all just work out", comes to mind. Um, no it won't. My husband knew from the get go that I never wanted kids and did not want the responsibility of being a mother. Not a problem, as he was a really hands on father when SD was at our house.

I only refer to her as my stepdaughter on this site and I only "parented" her when it came to things like the rules of the house. If she made a mess in our kitchen or her bedroom that was at our house, I told her to clean it up. When she was a teen, if she wanted to wear black eyeliner that made her look like a whore, I left that for her mom and dad to tell her (or not). I baked her cakes for her birthdays and sometimes did things with her, like manicures, but other times I just let her and her dad do things together. She was not the center of the universe when she came over nor did I act like she didn't exist.

SD (now 21) was 5 when her dad and I got together. I was her dad's girlfriend, then wife and she accepted me and respected me because of that, but most importantly, I was an adult and she was taught to respect adults. Period. Even now, if she doesn't agree with me, she still respects the fact that I am her dad's family. And I think that's all any of us want, at the very least, is that respect.

P.S. I had it VERY easy compared to most people here and for that I am thankful.

My husband can parent his kids, no problem, and he does. However, he cannot mother them. There is no substitute for a good mother.

SS is turning 14. His mother sees him once a year at best. SD is 10. BM2 has her 3 weekends a month and does nothing for her. Those kids live with me. They see how a dedicated and attentive mother treats her children, and they want that. They deserve that. Will I deny them that to spare the BMs' fee fees? No, I will not. I treat them as I treat my own children, and when their moms step up to the plate and start bringing their A game, they can take the MOM pants back.

SD5 is with us week on week off. She has an excellent mother. When SD is with me, I affectionate and caring, but there are things that are important to BM3 to do with SD, and I am not going to stand at the gate and refuse her access based on whose time it is. She is doing the MOM job, so I leave the MOM job to her. I'm glad for SD5, that she has such a mother. However, just because a child's mother is in the picture doesn't mean that the role of a mother is being fulfilled. If it weren't for me, my older 2 steps would miss out on a lot.

Oh Hell no! Even if BM died, I would NOT mother the stepkids..!! I don't care if it makes me selfish but I am not going to come home from working all day to taking care of kids..and not being able to sleep in on weekends anymore..and not having the freedom to go out whenever I want unless I find a babysitter. Hell NO! And giving up buying clothes, shoes, antiques, etc and getting my hair done so my money goes towards them? Again..no way. I don't love them..they aren't mine. I never wanted kids of my own for all the above reasons..so Im not about to make any sort of a life sacrifice for kids that are not mine. Nope, I love my life too much to be miserable by being a mother..to anyones kids. SO understands and accepts it.

Thing is, SO works from home all day and its very slack so its not like he's too tired from a long day at work to come home to take care of his kids. Also he makes enough money to financially support those kids on his own. And when he has them, he's with them. They aren't here when he's not here. So if an opportunity comes up for him to do something while he has them, he doesn't do it. Im not a babysitter.

i'm not nor have i ever been interested in being a mother to sd. she has always been fdh's kid, and nothing more. i tried to be decent to her and make her feel welcome when she was with us, as i would with anyone. from the 3rd month (when she realized i wasn't going anywhere) on she has been nothing but horrid to me. she wants me to be her "mom" when it suits her and to disappear the rest of the time. we don't have to try to be motherly to these f'g brats to be shit on. we just have to have a place in their father's life. they see daddy as a possession and when daddy gets a SO/wife, suddenly the brats think someone is going to take their toy/atm/slave away from them and start getting shitty.

but thanks for blaming it on sm's for just trying to be decent human beings to these brats, something they are clearly incapable of.