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I'm new and need oh so much help

Noextrachargefordrama's picture

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. He has 2 daughters, 22 and 26, and I have 2 sons, 15 and 12. We've been together for 9 years but only started living together 4 years ago and only my boys were in the house with us. I met SD22 when she was 18 and had just graduated from high school. Needless to say that was a tumultuous time for me as she is daddy's "itty bitty wittle baby" and can do no wrong, including treating me like complete and utter crap. I didn't meet SD26 until a year ago and dealt with her basically telling me to go F myself up until that point where upon she apologized to me which was unexpected but greatly appreciated. She and I have a good relationship now but she can't let BM know that she speaks to DH or me for fear BM will lose her marbles. Recently, SD22 and her new HUSBAND of 3 months who DH and I met once, moved into our basement. Cliff's notes version of why...she was living in Miami, heavy into drugs, owed people money for said drugs, living in her former sugar daddy's condo who was sending goons to get her out and during this time, SD and SIL went to JOP to get married. Funny story....SD texts DH one day with pic of her hand and a ring and says "Guess who got engaged?!" (insert Scooby-Doo dumb dog face here from DH). Next day, SD texts DH again and says, "Guess who got married?!" with pic of her and SIL at JOP (insert mortified Scooby-Doo dumb dog face here). Anyway...SIL told her before they got married that if SD wanted to hang out with him, she needed to stop all drinking and drugs (score!) SIL is trying to pay off dealers, etc. and they are trying to move to NYC but have ZERO money (sugar daddy was sending a few thousand a month to "watch his cat" and no one thought to maybe save some of that free money) and slowly realize they can't afford anything there. Sooooo...they call DH's mom to ask if they can live in the family home on Cape Cod. Grandma says ok but needs to check with great uncle who lives on the property to make sure he's good with it. First GU says ok but then rescinds his approval because he doesn't want to worry about people drinking and doing drugs all day. SD and SIL go back to drawing board all while dealing with goons and dealers still. SIL has a brother who lives in Sacramento, CA so they decide to move there. Don't ask me how they afforded the plane tickets to get there, but they did with only a suitcase each leaving most of their worldly possessions behind in Miami. Not sure what happened but SIL's brother says, sorry but you can't stay here so SD calls DH and asks if he cant front $4K and co-sign for an apartment. VERY thankfully, DH says hell no I won't pay for you to live somewhere but you always have a roof over your head here. 4 days later, SD and SIL show up on our doorstep. DH is out of town on business ALL WEEK so he and I have had no time to discuss things like, boundaries and guidelines, how long will they be in the house and other silly little things like that. Fast forward 9 weeks to today...SD and SIL are both working (score!) as managers at clothing stores in the local mall, SD is taking classes online to finish her Bachelor's degree and are still living in our basement....with no end date in sight!!! They are rude, inconsiderate slobs who care about no one but themselves and quasi DH so they can get what they want / need out of him. They don't have a car so they either borrow one of ours or take Uber to work and don't have plans to purchase one in the near future because they want to "save the money" so they can pay for a car with cash outright instead of taking out a loan. They also want to save money for a down payment on a house because DH told them "renting an apartment would be stupid because you don't earn any equity. It's like throwing money out the window." I have reached my limit with SD and SIL and any time I try to talk to DH about how they treat me (don't acknowledge my existence unless I go out of my way to make them do so, use my car for a week and don't fill up the gas tank when they're done with it, don't speak when I'm in the room but as soon as I leave, it's laughing and carrying on with DH), he turns around on me and says I did or didn't do this, that or the other thing!! My options are limited; either suck it up at home and continue to treat SD and SIL how they treat me (oh yeah...I forgot to mention that I've stopped speaking to them unless I have to, don't leave my car keys around anymore so they can use my car and have gotten so petty over their disregard for everyone else, that I have hidden my laundry detergent because princess vegan organic has started to use my generic Tide pods that she was oh so against 9 weeks ago because she doesn't want cancer), which I don't really like doing or I leave DH which I don't want to do either but I can't tolerate what's going on in our home anymore. I need help!! Desperately!! Yes, couples counseling has come to mind but we've tried that before and let me tell you, DH is a charmer in a session...says all the right things and pretends like he will make an effort but when we get home, it's SSDD. do I get SD and SIL to move out when they have it so good in our basement which they have started to call their "place"???? Ummm...hello!?!? It's OUR basement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT your PLACE!!! There's no end in sight and no reason for them to want to move out any time soon. They're living the good life (get up, go to work, repeat - don't help around the house, don't pay rent, etc.)! Any and all thoughts, suggestions and prayers are welcome! Sorry for the rant but DAMN does it feel good to get all that off my chest!!!


futurobrillante99's picture

You can talk until you're blue in the face with these people. They won't stand up and take notice until you stand up for yourself. You can tell your DH that it's YOU or THEM. If he says THEM, start looking for a place of your own.

Better yet, if it's your house, tell DH he can move out with them somewhere.

futurobrillante99's picture


Simpleton21's picture

I don't know how to get rid of them if your DH doesn't have a problem with them.  I am glad you said you don't leave your keys out for them to use your car anymore.  DO NOT let them use your car EVER again!  These are grown ups and not your responsibility.  You are not obligated to them in any way.  I'm pretty sure if I was in your situation though I would tell DH that either they go or I do and I would stick with it!  

Dovina's picture! This is no way to live, i can totally feel your pain. IMO this is a hill to die on. This is an its them or me conversation with DH. I would be making an exit strategy, or if its your home I would be kicking them all out, including DH. Its one thing to have minor rude skids living under your roof, its an entirely different ballgame when its an adult skid with a spouse. Your DH is showing you or your marriage no respect, and the SD  and SIL see that as well, so this will continue. 

Noextrachargefordrama's picture

I've looked for places to live but my issue is trying to find something I can afford while keeping my kids in the same school system. I don't want to put my kids through having to move to a new school and make new friends again - we did that 4 years ago and they finally have some good friends. I did tell DH that I can't take much more than start of next school for the SD and SIL to live with us. My BFF suggested I start "cyphoning" $20 here and there to start saving for when my tipping point comes. Think I may start doing that.