I will respond because I think I am one of those who has often sugested leaving. I am 43 years old and have had a lot of relationships. I suggest leaving when I see a situation that seems to have the clear markers of a relationship that is either essentially already over or when the poster's SO is treating them terribly and has shown no desire to care about the poster's feelings for a long time. Why do I do this? Because I see that women in particular stay in relationships that aren't good for them and rationalize borderline abusive behavior because they doubt their own judgment.

Yes, I wish my 43 year old self had told my 25 year old self to leave. And my 33 year old self.

Sorry, but this site is for advice. If someone says, please don't tell me to leave, then I don't. But otherwise, I am going to give my honest opinion.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

To be honest, I think a person who really knows in their heart the best thing for them to do is leave takes it harder or more offensively when told they should leave. It's really hard to face something we don't want to do but know is right, even harder when someone else validates it too.

I dont know your story mystiery, so my reply isn't directed specifically to anyone, it's just a general reply.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

*********Here is what I want out of this blog, for all of you who constantly tell people to leave their significant others, before you post that advice, step back for one moment and ask yourself is that what you would want to hear?***********

I am 42. When I post on here I KNOW I may hear some things I don't want to hear.
I wish that back when I was in my late twenties that I would have listened to everybody who told me to leave my abusive husband and that I would have done it then because I WASTED so much precious time on him and did not have a happy household for my children.
I WILL tell other people to consider leaving unhealthy/abusive relationships. EVERYTIME.

May not be what you want to hear, but there it is.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

Don't take offense, but Good Advice is not telling someone what they want to hear.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

telling someone to leave doesn't appear to be "default" advice around here...I see it used in a manner that I think is appropriate. For many situations, that is the intelligent,safe thing to suggest.

I can understand someone wanting to hear other avenues of advice though bc sometimes leaving just isn't in the deck of options. But that doesn't mean it can't be suggested still if the person responding honestly feels that is the best thing. If it's being suggested I'm sure it's for a good reason.

It is up to the original poster to say whether or not they need to hear some different things from us...they can always respond with, "Leaving isn't really what I was looking to do...I want to work with this as much as possible...is there anything else anyone can suggest?"

People have to take control of the direction their blog is going...otherwise it's just us putting out what we see as the best answer to what the person has disclosed to us. We're a reasonable group, if someone needs something else from us, we are perfectly capable of brainstorming other suggestions but it's up to them to ask.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

I would say telling someone to leave is pointless. No one is going to leave until they are good and ready. They're not going to go "oh...i guess I will leave" because some strangers on the internet told them to. They will justify staying however they want until they personally reach the point that they are ready, if that ever happens. So, I do agree its pointless...but if someone's opinion is that person should leave, they're going to post it. It may not be helpful advice to the one seeking it, but it might be that person's only advice. We can't control what others thinks or advise

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Take BB's response and change the "43" to a "24" and you'll have my response.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I don't recall ever telling anyone to leave their SO. But I may have.
I've been told to leave my SO a couple of times. And as many times as I swore I would over the drama that he creates sometimes, I don't.
I love him that much and know that no matter what, he really does love me no matter what. He may be a stupid stupid man who makes mistakes, but don't they all?

I know that sounds foolish, but I really feel in my heart that he truly is the one for me and that we really were meant to be together.

The only time I think I'd ever really suggest someone leaving their SO is if the SO was abusive in any way. I think that's the only time it should really be done.

I too am in my late ahemmmm....40's...LOL...but I sure as well WISH someone would have told me to leave when I was 29....it would have saved me a lot of heartache....along with attaining a certain age comes "wisdom"....the wisdom to notice from what someone is posting that their situation may never, ever change....the wisdom to see patterns of abuse that you were once subjected to as a young woman.....its never said with malice....its said with the hope that maybe someone will understand "I have been where u have been,,,and a man like that does not change",,,,jmo, as always.....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

I see what you are saying, and have often thought the same way myself. I have advised a couple of posters to leave, but I think those were situations where blatant abuse was occuring, or severe cheating. Advice is all subjective anyway. I might have been having a horrible day, and my mindset then was just to F it all.

What gets me though is oftentimes, the posters urging the members to leave are the ones that have an even more dysfunctional relationship than the person seeking advice. I have read many times posters saying RUN, or RED FLAG, LEAVE, GO, IT WILL NEVER CHANGE and I feel that is contradictive and hypocritical. That is what is irritating, in my opinion.

I also don't feel it is constructive to tell someone who is looking for advice on how to deal with their SO or SK's that it is never going to change, they need to leave. Just b/c your situation is never going to change or never changed does not mean that everyone else's is doomed. Sometimes it's not asking for that person to change, it's asking them to be more aware. I had some great advice from some wonderful members on here on how to make my FH more aware of how his actions, comments, decisions affected our relationship, and things are awesome now. But then again, we've only been together for a little over three years.

I'm a big advocate for counseling. FH feels that since we've started going, things have gotten better. I can agree with him on that.

I think that if you really love someone and you want to make your relationship work, counseling can only help. I'd do that before I walked out on somebody I loved.