Am I just being spiteful?
Hello all,
I have been raising my step daughter since she was one, she is currently seven years old. We have full physical custody because her mother comes and goes from her life and has some major issues, I am her stable at home mother that is always here for her no matter what. Her mother will disappear weeks at a time, no calls no shows to pick her up on her days, no phone calls to talk to her, she just disappears. I also have a three year old son and I try to treat them the same. Is it just me or is it not fair to my son if my daughter goes to her Mother's and comes back home with toys that don't belong at our house? I don't feel it is fair to my child, the toys her Mom buys should stay at her house. Am I just over reacting? My husband tried telling her Mom that her toys need to stay at her house and she says she will send toys if she wants and there is nothing he can do to stop her. She's always trying to control us and our household and this is just another example. These are things that make my marriage suffer, I don't appreciate another woman controlling our home life AT ALL.
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A lesson in sharing.
I would try to use it as a lesson in sharing. If she comes home with toys from her mom's house, she has to share them while she's at your house. It may teach her not to bring them over to your house or it might just be another toy all the kids can play with. What Mom cannot control is who uses those toys when they are in your house.
Good thinking
Thank you for your comment. I was just thinking about how if my son breaks it her Mom will get mad at my husband but in lesson, she will then maybe also learn to not send things here if she doesn't want to take that risk. What about when my son tries to play with it and my step daughter takes it away right in front of her mother? Should I step up and tell her she needs to share or not bring it home with her in front of her mother? I don't want to cause problems but at the same.time, she is very pushy and controlling and likes to boss my husband and I have a big mouth and want to open it all the time.
How long is mom there?
How long is mom around to see the interactions between your son and your stepdaughter? It wouldn't be inapproriate for you to give a gentle reminder of sharing if it happened in front of her mom. If it does happen and mom freaks, you can hand it to mom and tell her to take it back with her then, because all toys in your house are shared toys.
If the toy breaks, it breaks. She'll learn to leave it somewhere where it doesn't break.
It's okay to set boundaries. I think it's a reasonable and enforceable boundary to require all toys in your house are shared. I think it's harder to enforce when you're telling your stepdaughter she can't bring things into the house. She'll figure out if it's worth having them there or not pretty quick I have a feeling.
Long enough
Like today, my SD had gymnastics and we go like usual and watch the end and to bring her home. She got some new toy and my son tried to take the toy and hold it and my SD snatched it back and my son threw a fit in the middle of gymnastics right in front of SD Mother. So sometimes she is around enough and my SD likes to brag about her new toys and almost taunt my son because he doesnt have it which makes me very upset and protective and makes me want to step over boundaries. I have a lot of cooped up anger towards SD mother and the things she has said and done to hurt not only me but my son, husband, and even my SD in order for her to try to "win". Long story but this is just a small issue that has turned into a large one because she won't respect my wishes and leave her things at her house.
3-year-old will have to learn to share too.
And I'm not saying he doesn't already or that developmentally he should be more advanced, but if the 3-year-old is taking things out of the 7-year-old's hands, that's also something to correct with him because that's also not how we share.
But this seems actually like an even more convulted issue, because even if you can get her mom to leave the toys at her house, you can't really prevent her from bringing them to events that are outside both of your houses that you are both at.
Sounds sticky.
Just put the toys away until
Just put the toys away until she goes back to her mother's. BM cannot control what you do with the toys once they are in your home. Or, if they are toys that they can both play with, she can share.
Unfortunately, life is not always fair and your son will learn this, eventually. One day, he will understand that your SD has another parent and she is going to buy things (or do things) for your SD and not for him.
Back in the bag
The problem is that every time I put it in her bag to go back to her Mother's, she comes back home with it and her Mother tells my husband that it is to stay at our house. I don't understand why she needs to send things to our house, she isn't deprived of anything and doesn't need what her Mother buys her at my house, leave it there and she can have it when she goes back to her home.
I might have to start making
I might have to start making donations to a thrift store or a children's hospital.
Just like you can't stop her
Just like you can't stop her from sending things to your home, she can't stop you from sending things back.
BOTH kids need correction... she needs to learn to share, and he needs to learn to ask permission to use someone else's toy.
Are you going to call the teachers judgmental idiots when they tell you the same thing once he's in school? Because sharing doesn't always mean they get equal all the time...it means they learn to give and receive graciously without expectation...even if that means the answer for your son is that he can play with it when she's gone.
If you buy something for your son, do you expect her not to touch it? Kids get different things at different times and just bc 1 has something doesn't mean the other should too.
Here's what I would do. If
Here's what I would do. If SD brags about a toy and lords it over your son, tell her if she continues to do it you will take the toy. Then follow through. You are free to discipline in your own home, and if BM doesn't like it, she can take the toy to her own home. If your son and SD are fighting over the toy, take it away from both of them and put it up. BM complains? Same solution - she can take the toy to her house and then it is in her control. By doing that, you are teaching both kids valuable life lessons.
Appreciate some comments
I thought this was a place to help me not to criticize me or my three year old. He does share, he shares very well. I babysit others kids and shares his toys all day long. Yes I resent her, she is a good for nothing mother, you have no idea what she has put me or my family through. Falsely accusing us of abuse of different sorts so bad that if the truth hadn't come out my son wouldn't have a father right now, oh and she coached SD at 4 years old to lie to CPS but truth always comes out, putting her own daughter through some horrible situation to try to win custody, getting so drunk home alone with my SD that when she was three she passed out and crapped her own pants while her sister came over and had to break in and find my SD there with a sagging diaper and nothing to eat or drink for hours, I can go on and on so don't you dare judge me for having resentment and not wanting her stuff in MY house. My children are not deprived of anything, they have more than most children will have in their lives because my husband and I do what we can to make our children happy. BM buys her things and sends them here purposely to have something here for her daughter to say is from her Mom, it makes her feel like shes a better mom after disappearing for weeks and months. All you judgmental people can go f yourselves. If you were in my shoes, you would hate her and want to protect yourself and your family from any aspect of her also. I am done with this group of judgmental idiots. I will always protect my family and my house and most importantly my son from the likes of her.
Oh my.
It seems what you are failing to see is some rather good advice. You can’t control the BM nor her gift giving in public. The only thing you can control is well you and to some extent your three year old. That’s where some posters are trying to help you.
But Frankly, why are you and your three year old going to these events, where you’ve seen what will happen? Stop going and let your DH deal with it. When you and your kid aren’t there, how much fun will it be for the BM if she doesn’t get the joy of watching you get bent out of shape over a toy?
I have a crazy pants BM too. I don’t attend sporting events nor pick up and drop offs so I don’t have to deal with her. The skids are fine and know I support them but am a busy adult myself (see how that works? BM is not the scapegoat, because I’ve handled it).
Removing yourself and your kid then puts the toy situation entirely within your house, where you can do what is needed with the Toy of Contention.
Stop being where the problems are. Let your DH do the parenting stuff for his daughter (ultimately, she is not yours no matter how much love and effort you put in), and disengage from the nonsense. That way, everyone wins but the BM who will have to find another game besides getting to control a situation and enjoy watching you be upset.
No one doubts this is a difficult situation
Having a stepchild with a mother with severe problems. But please try to seperate your hatred of the mom from the child. Even in an intact family, there will be squabbles over toys. Of course you have to protect your kids, but I really do not think your son is being damaged by your SD getting toys from her mom. I think that is you, and I think you know it, based on your question, Am I being Spiteful
What makes this more difficult is I suspect the SD is over compensating for her mom not being around and lords the new toys over her son. Your DH needs to tell her to knock it off.
Yeah, the only thing I can
Yeah, the only thing I can imagine would be a problem here is SD lording the toys over the other kids in the house. But OP, you need to try to understand that she's doing it out of sadness. She wants so badly for her mother to love her and care for her, but she doesn't and she knows it. The toys are her only "proof" that her mom gives a crap about her.
A quick "knock it off, sweetie, or you can play with it in your room" when she's lording it over the other kids should suffice.
I don't think I was being rude to you.
I do understand your frustrations, like you, I also am a stepmother, like most of us here. This site is a support site, but offering support doesn't always mean just agreeing that you are right. I was offering a way to help you. If all you want to do is cry and scream about it, you can do that full well into a void. But you asked if you were being spiteful. The answer is, yes you are. There are ways you can easily minimize this particular situation. But if you see any feedback on it as an attack, why even ask the question?
BM is trying to ease her guilt
BM know she’s a loser. But whats you to see she carrying BM ???? SD either shares her yours or they are taken away for a long time. If BM doesn’t like it then she can take SD back and raiser her the way she wants.
When a bio parent given up Custody of her kid, she has little say on how that child is raised.
You don’t *have* to accept
You don’t *have* to accept anything into your home that you don’t want or need. BM can’t force you to accept anything, you can always draw the boundary that BM’s things stay with BM, end of story. No is a complete sentence.
I agree if the toys are going to come into your home both kids need to share them. If BM is there, so what? Your house your rules. BM being there doesn’t change the rules of your house, she has no authority there. If she wants SD to have the toys all to herself, she keeps them at her house.
If you have another bio kid,
If you have another bio kid, there will always be squabbles about toys. One will come home with a toy from a birthday party of a friend and the other will be jealous. Forced sharing is not the way - tell SD she doesn’t have to let her brother play with her toys but it’s not okay to lord it over him; and tell your son not to touch his sister’s stuff without permission. Kids shouldn’t have to share everything all the time. They are allowed to have stuff that’s just theirs, but not rub it in their sibling’s face.
Right? I'm shocked everyone
Right? I'm shocked everyone is saying the toys need to be shared.
How are we supposed to teach kids that OUR stuff is off-limits if they're not allowed to have anything off-limits? Personally, I'd rather my kids learn that everyone has their own "things" and they're free to decide if they share them or not. Our rule is easy: If you don't want to share, play with it somewhere else so nobody gets upset.
My 2c worth
Now calm down. Your SD hangs on to anything she can to remind her that her mother does actually care abour her. You are making ir into a battle. First, if you are both at an event DS does not need to be hanging onto SDs stuff. What a 7yr old needs toys for when she is at a class is quite beyond me but tou take the item from Ds, distract him wirh his own toy and hand SDs to back to her mother in front of the class. She will not ignore you. Or how about this, dont go to every class if BM is there. Why xoes SD need 2 parental s there? You knowwhat time the class gets.out so turn up 15 mins before the end of the class. Or say "SD! Look your mom is here! We will see you later. I have an errand to run. Bye!" And leave BM to it. This is not a win for BM but forcing her to parent her own child. Leave her to it. And then turn up from time to time when BM is there to keep her jumping.
The toy thing? SD takes the toys to her room or special bag until time to go ba xk to her mothers place. If she does nor want to share then the toys go away. If DS breaks her toy it gets replaced because that is the right thing to do. Now she may have many toys but how would you feel if SD routinely broke your sons toys with no consequences. Now budgetwise it may take a few weeks to replace due to finances (wink wink).I
I suspect this is more abour you feeling like BM controls yor life. The only way she can do that is if you give her the power to do so. Who gives a crap about her throwing a fit at your husband. He needs to just hang up. Simple. Unless you both thrive on the drama.
Does she drop SD off or do you pick her up
from BM's when she's with her? Personally, I also have an issue with BM sending the girls home with things from her house. I really don't like it. We don't send the kids with things we have bought the kids over to her house. In my opinion, it is one way she tries to gain a presence at my bfs house. Yes I don't live there, but I am there 5-6 days/nights a week usually and I don't want to be surrounded by things BM bought. To me, it is two separate households and other than clothes/shoes/etc. there is no reason things to be coming from there to here. My bf picks up the kids so to a point, he can refuse to take things, however usually she has the kids carrying them out, they are 4 & 2, so he doesn't tell them he can't take them because that would not go over well, but other times he can refuse to take them. Although, a week or so ago, BM tries to hand my bf a container of tacos for the 2 year old and he told her that he didn't want them, he feeds them just fine on his own. So she decides to put the container in the bed of his truck when she walks away. Guess what? It went in the trash, as do quite a few things that she tries to send to his place. No, no, no. I won't even hit on the sharing point because that wasn't what you were asking about from the beginning.
We send things back. I don't
We send things back. I don't know that I would be upset. Honeslty if Psycho bought ANYTHING (barring you know. drugs and alcohol... inapropriate things... The stuff she's into) for the girls I would be thrilled! It would mean one less thing for me to buy.
Why we send things back though. Occaionally GBM will purchase them a nice toy. While we know they're only with Psycho for VERY short periods. We've also been told by SD10 and SD6 that they have very few things (nearly nothing) to play with over there at all. So by sending things back, we're making sure they have toys to play with there as well. Which we have told the kids and they fully understand.
All in all though. You can't stop BM from sending things. You control your own home, but is this a battle worth fighting? All a 6 year old really sees is "I have a cool toy and daddy and SM won't let me play with it." So just be sure you pick your battles.
Your son will be fine. Life isn't fair sadly, and you can't expect BM (even a flakey one) to just not buy her daughter stuff. Especially when the daughter is RARELY ever with her. Realistically your SD will only get to play with it at your place.
So either put it up and send it back, or just let her play with it.
Oh come on... Your son is
Oh come on... Your son is going to learn that SD has another parent who buys her things. And SD is going to learn that your son gets to grow up with two loving biological parents in the same house. Nothing is ever fair in blended families. Here's what I do... SD's toys from moms can come home, even her entire second christmas haul, and she doesn't have to share them. BUT if she wants to play with a toy she's not willing to share, she can play with it in her room. We've never had any problems with this.
My 18-month-old is going to learn that other kids get things he doesn't. That's inevitable. He's also going to learn that other kids don't HAVE to share anything with him. That's also inevitable. Why make your kid think he's the center of the universe when that's not the real truth? My ONLY concern with SD bringing stuff home is it makes her room unmanageable because she has too much stuff. But that's her problem - she's the one that has to clean it/keep it organized. If she can't do that, toys start getting donated.
But that's a rule for both kids, anyways. As soon as their rooms become unmanageable, we start donating what we don't need. And no, you don't have to donate stuff from BM only - donate what doesn't get played with. It's all toys. Who cares where it came from.
Brilliant (and makes way more sense than my suggestion.)
I think this comment is on-point. Sharing needs to happen within reason. No kid should be able to bust into another kid's space and take a toy to play with and call it sharing. Items that are personal items not to be shared are played with alone. Toys that come out of the room don't get to be lorded over.
It actually works really well
It actually works really well for us! SD is usually more than happy to share her toys. Actually, we often have to remind her that she doesn't have to share because her brother will waddle over and cry if she's playing with something and she automatically hands it to him in a panic lol. While it's very sweet, we want her to learn she's allowed to say no, even if he gets upset. We just teach her to hand him something else to distract him.
We also have a rule that everyone's room is their safe space where they can expect privacy and/or no one else to go in and play/take things without asking. Neither kid is allowed to go into the other's bedroom without permission. Teaching kids that they are in charge of their belongings goes a long way to ensuring they don't get walked on/taken advantage of later in life.
I totally agree with
I totally agree with everything you say. Sharing should not be made mandatory. Our problem with ss bringing toys from bm’s house was that she wanted us to make sure nothing happened to it. I have five kids! Things happen so for our family, it was just easier to put the responsibility on my ss. If he wants to take care of the toy then bring it over.
Who cares what others think,
Who cares what others think, do what you and your husband agree on, in your own home. Just be honest with yourself about why you really object to this.
I used to have my niece at my house A LOT when she was young, her toys were taking over an entire room. And guess what? Her mother, my sister, didn't want them at her house, either, she had plenty over there. My own sister didn't want me buying my niece toys and sending them home with her.
DH and I rarely sent anything home with my SD, for the simple reason that her older brother would destroy it (on purpose). So, we kept the toys we bought her at our house, for her to play with while she was there. It was really a waste of money, otherwise.
We have had to take a lot of
We have had to take a lot of court ordered parenting classes because of the hostile environment between dh and BM. They suggest that toys don’t go back and forth between homes because it can cause some real conflict if the toy is lost or broken. Our rule is that if ss12 brings a toy, it is not our responsibility to keep it safe. I totally leave it up to ss to be responsible of it and if my kids want to play with it then I let them share. Most of the time the toy has been lost, forgotten, or broken. BM has basically stopped sending her junk. It sounds like your BM is trying to overcompensate for her bad parenting and she is continuing to do it because she knows it bothers you. Let her spend her money and let your son play with the tots too. If sd doesn’t want to share then tell her that the toy needs to go away until she goes back with BM. Good luck. P.s. you can’t change or fix stupid