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Doing what is right for my stepson

mommyindub's picture

I have known my 5 year old stepson since before he turned 3. My husband and I have 50/50 custody and sometimes more because my stepson's mom is always traveling and doing other things. We love having my stepson with us and wish we could see him more.

My stepson is currently in Kindergarten and I love being involved with the parents and the activities at his school. I decided to sign up for his fall fundraiser which is a jog-a-thon. Well that made his mom fly off the handle. She said that since she is his mom she should have first dibs on volunteering. I told my husband that we should both be there. Its not a big deal and plus we didn't know her work schedule and she happened to be off that day.

She didn't want to volunteer because I was going to be there. Why can't we show my stepson support by all being there?

She said she wants to get an attorney involved because she can't deal with it for 13 more years? What can an attorney do with her complaints about me which are the following:

1) I am in a mommy's group and I wanted my stepson to have a playdate with some kids his age
2) I take my stepson to gymnastics every thursday and his mom has never once come to watch him practice and he has been doing it for 1.5 years.
3) I am overstepping my role as a step mom because I am too involved with his schooling and activities. I only involve myself when we have not when he is with his mom. By the way she doesn't take the initiative to involve him in any activities only in ones that are convenient for her on the weekends.
4) My stepson and I have a lot of nice conversations about life and things around us and he likes to ask my opinion about things. One particular incident was if I liked wearing high heels and I said no because it hurts my feet and my back. He says my mommy wears high heels and I said that's great that shes okay with it. He goes and tells his mom that I say high heels are bad and she shouldn't wear them. Well...I can't control what a 5 year old says but she has a mentality of a high schooler so she likes to cause a lot of drama.
5) she doesn't like that my stepson mentions me a lot to her and she told him that my name in her household is now a "Bad" word! how can she say all those things? I feel so bad for him because he shouldn't have to feel bad or guilty for loving me.
6) She said I am confusing him and that he thinks I am his mom. Well who's fault is that when she picks her son up from school on a friday after not seeing him for a few days and takes him to a place where they watch your kids from 630-10pm so she can have a date night with her boyfriend. She is extremely self centered and things has to revolve around her.

Ultimately She is first in her life then her son. It's sad because your children love you unconditionally and she takes that for granted. During any activities that she does decide to show up to she is on her phone texting and not paying attention to what he is doing. He even tells me that his mom doesn't pay attention to him and that she pays attention to her boyfriend a lot more.

It's sad that she is letting his life pass her by she will only do things with him on her days with him. a lot of times she drinks and hangs out with her friends while hes there. She doesn't attempt to do more things with him otherwise.

I don't think she intended to have a child. At the time she was only dating my husband a few months and they had an oops. Her excuse to why she wanted to keep the baby was well I had an abortion and I don't want to go through it again. She was married previously for 7 years or so and they never had kids.

Even his daycare lady said that she doesn't pay attention to him. When he was staying with her, he would call her mommy all the time and want her attention. He even went through a phase of biting his own mom constantly to get her attention.

She is very awkward with children and she doesn't seem to really attempt to talk to them. Actually shes socially awkward around people. She loves to talk about herself and that is her mechanism of dealing with people. She doesn't address people by their names and is a poor example of how to respect people to her son.

I don't verbally or physically abuse my stepson. If anything I love him so much and want only the best for him. I just can't stand that his mom is so selfish and jealous of my relationship with him. I get so depressed and sad to think that my stepson has to hear his mom complain about me. I hate that I have to take the high road and not say anything bad about her in front of him but I do because it only confuses him. I feel so bad for my stepson and I want to give him everything he deserves but its so emotionally draining when she starts to verbally abuse me for trying to be so involved and show him how much he is loved.

I want to continue being nurturing and supportive towards my stepson but I am torn between doing that and stepping back a little because I don't want to be verbally abused by her again....

Comments

mommyindub's picture

Thanks everyone for your insights. I do want to keep the peace and if that means stepping back then it has to be done. I do love my SS and he means the world to me and I don't want his mom to create a poor living situation for him because of her emotion instabilities.

I do wish she was a better mom because he deserves the best but we can't choose who our moms are unfortunately.

Ljcapp1's picture

This is a catch 22. Honestly, you are a cool stepmom, and I think it's great you love your ss so much. Then again I have to agree with BM. She should get first dibs at volunteering with school functions. And she is the child's mother maybe not a good one, but she IS his mother.
Is there anyway or any chance your SO can communicate with BM when your family would like to participate in school functions? Maybe you guys could alternate?
My DS had a really cool stepmom and she had him involved in all kind of stuff. I appreciated that he had a "3rd party" to discuss things with and to bond with. I've never been jealous of his relationship with her. BUT, there were a few things she and I disagrees about and I had to trump her with my mom card a couple times.

oncewasnice's picture

Im of an opposite opinion. . To me if the biomum isnt volunteering/attending SM should if she wants and I dont see why it needs to be discussed with biomum.

I have been there done that and i'll be honest ive gone from being a very very involved SM to pretty much disengaging altogether. My reason is because DH wasn't backing me up. If your DH does back you up too bad for buomum. Just be very very aware as to wether your DH is in fact backing you up or just going along to keep the peace

mommyindub's picture

Yeah she's not a very nice person but I need to just be the one to keep the peace. She won't because she is very emotional and uses it to guide her life.

mommyindub's picture

I agree! I do have a 4 month old son and I guess if I was in that situation I wouldn't be offended if his stepmom was involved but that is me. I can't expect people to be like me. She is super jealous and self centered and no matter what his mom. I know even now how much my bioson adores me. We have a bond. I just got the motherly instincts kicking in when my stepson would tell me his mommy doesn't pay attention to him. This is the first time she ever said she wanted to volunteer and it could be because she saw my name and got instantly jealous so maybe this will motivate her to be more involved. I have decided to step back because I don't want his household with his mom to be uncomfortable.

mommyindub's picture

We will see if she takes anymore initiative. Her emotions are so unstable. I have to walk on eggshells. This is the first time she has ever decided to want to do more. She is always out doing other things besides being there for her son. Yeah maybe you say that because I am not in that position but I know how I am and obviously you don't know me and I don't like drama with people. I am a people pleaser and wouldn't start drama. I have been in my stepson's life for a few years and I understand what it's like to be the STEP mom so god forbid if my son were to ever end up in 2 households I would make it as pleasant as possible for him. It's not about me its about my kids.

SecondGeneration's picture

I agree with what has been previously said, its fantastic that you have a good relationship with your SS and feel free to continue supporting and being involved on your time with SS but when it comes to school and extra activities that run over into BMs time then its where you should be taking a step back.
Personally I'm a big believer that the only parents who should be heavily involved with schooling is the BM and father, unless the child is of an older age and is struggling in a particular area that is causing the school and/or parents to request the presence of additional step parents. I sort of see it as a respect thing, I cant really explain why. I occasionally go with my partner to collect my SD from school but I have not and will not go to any school event/parents evening until/unless the above occurs.

mommyindub's picture

Yeah that makes sense. I will let my husband know. I always think I am helping him out by getting stuff done at home like baths and dinner and homework so when he gets home he can check homework and spend more time doing other things with my step son.

Singadiva's picture

You've got some excellent suggestions on both sides here and I think you're a fab SM already...
Word of warning, BMs who start this kind of agitation almost NEVER stop and so you need to think about what that could mean for you, namely:
If you back off, she may smell a victory and start really hammering you and I'd say this has started because instead of talking sensibly about what's happened, she's talking lawyers.
If you don't back off, she will hammer you anyway.

Also, she WILL involve her son and has already and this is the start of PAS so look this up and start preparing because it's your SS who will suffer the most and so you and your DH need a strategy already to ensure he is equipped to deal with it.

My suggestions? Stop talking to her immediately. DH needs to step in smartly and do all and any responding which should start with "you and I need to meet and sort this out pronto either with or without our respective lawyers."
She needs to know he will step in on behalf of his son and wife immediately and that you will step away from her.

May I also say, do not stop doing what you have been consistently doing for this child? He needs this and you to be consistent but certainly back away from THIS activity and get DH to run up a calendar (online, my family wizard?) on which she can indicate HER preferences for attending school activities etc. She wants to be more active? Her prerogative so let DH demand her participation and organisation which you ALL deserve.