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Meltdown at the eye doctor

mom-like's picture

Would love to hear what others have done in similar situations since I didn't handle this very gracefully:

We discovered my SD's vision (lazy eye) has gotten worse. BM just calls and says she needs to see the eye doctor twice/week for a month. The BM made an appointment but can't take her, could I do it? Sure, I said. I can help out. I tried to get more information but BM didn't want to 'talk in front of' my SD.

Here is what I resent: not being talked to as a parent, but rather as a babysitter. I am a pretty hands-on kind of person. I wanted to know the prognosis, what needed to be done, were there things we can do at home, etc. etc. Not just 'take her to this appointment'. (which, btw, DH and I pay 100 percent of). I tried to get some information from DH, he had none. I said can you get some from BM..he resists speaking to her at all costs. I vacillate between fighting with him over what I feel is negligent communication between them and throwing my hands up (this option upsets me because I feel that my SD loses out from her parents not communicating.)

SO, of course I take matters into my own hands. I take SD to her appointment, and while she is with the eye therapist, I politely ask if I can have a word with the doctor. I explain that I just want to know what the protocol is, what is going on with her eyes, etc. Guess what the receptionist said to me: 'Her mother has all the information and we're not allowed to give it out.' I said, "I'm here stepmother." She cited some HIPAA crap. Anyway, don't know why it struck such a cord but I was in tears and furious in seconds. First, I had to walk away because I don't trust what comes out of my mouth when I'm angry. I came back and was loud and ugly and said 'how am I supposed to parent her in the absence of pertinent medical information?!" the whole thing was a big scene and I couldn't stop crying for an hour (being 6 weeks pregnant doesn't help with the emotions.)

Anyone else had a similar experience?

Comments

Elle36's picture

I would have used comments like, "Do you see mother here. I am the one who is responsible for her right now and I need to know what is the problem." Or I would flash out the insurance card that I am sure you have with you and say something like, "This is her insurance through my husband and myself. If you would like paid then you give me info. Otherwise we leave and bill Mom only." It is too bad that society does not recognize what homes are coming to. There is not just a bio mom and dad anymore. There is a step-parent. Write a complaint to the doctor. Go back in there when you are more calm. Ask WHOSE name is on records as contact. IF it is Mom only then have it changed if you are the sole insurance provider. No paper work should go home to mom if you are the ones footing the bill. Believe me we went through the same crap. I was even told by a doctor's office I wasn't even allowed to bring SS in since I was only SM. Boy did that lady get an earful from me.

mom-like's picture

I just discovered this site and it feels so good to talk to people who understand. Elle36 made me laugh out loud and thanks to Biomom, I'm going to ask that my name be included on all SD's doctor's lists.

Anonymous's picture

Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act.

Thank Hilary Clinton in 1996. It's a law that governs information and how it is disseminated to the public and how it is handled in the office, or beyond the office, ie shared by one party to another.

The thing is that anyone that is under the age of 18 is strictly protected by law and they (all medical staff / health providers) are strictly governed and held accountable to only provide information to the parents/guardian, or the primary insurance carrier. If you are a step parent, you need to have your spouse present with you if you have a difficult doctor who does not recognize or understand the dynamics of your family. You also have to clarify who is the primary insurance carrier, and often that will help clear things up. If DH is primary insurance carrier, than he can obtain the information by calling the doctor and obtain information from the insurance company. Call the office and see if they have a waiver form that DH can fill out. If they will not accommodate you, then I think you should have your DH take some time off of work for one day, and go down there to speak to the doctor himself directly about SD's condition.

As far as the behavior, I'm sorry you broke down, and to be honest, I think from this point on, you may have a very poor image in the office now, since they are just doing their jobs by the law book. Some offices are really cracking down on it, and others are still pretty liberal and will inform stepparents in the doctor's office privately behind doors. Others will only talk to the parents, but in todays now and age, how can you tell? I'm a step parent, I have my DH's last name, and often they think that I am Mom just by that fact alone. BM went back to her maiden name, so it doesn't match up with my step kids. It's interesting, because I often don't have a problem with the doctors, and if I'm the one that is there, I'm the one they talk too.