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Bullies

MJL2010's picture

We teach kids tactics for dealing with bullies. Teachers must attend bully prevention and awareness trainings. Why, then, does dealing with a bully- in the form of a BM- become alienatory? Are we supposed to hide the shit these nut jobs do when it affects the plans of an entire family- when DH has arranged to take the day off, and it's my last day of vacation...when my sane ex-husband has agreed to bring my older bios back from HIS vacation a day early so that our entire family can take a day trip to the ocean?

What about when BM told SStwinB, 11, one thing on the phone and then not ten minutes later told DH something entirely different?

What about the fact that she sent twins back to DH yesterday- another day he had taken off, and had planned to go for a short hike, then to batting cages, then to hang out and relax, with his children- completely wrecked, after two days of camp in the morning, baseball and soccer practices in the afternoon (vacation week) and sleepovers Monday and Tuesday nights- and one twin passed out IN THE CAR and slept for two hours? Scratch the batting cage. Twins slept for 14 HOURS last night. Tonight he announced that his chest hurts. He told DH that he has been feeling bad- cough, tired- since Sunday. On the phone with BM she hears his cough and asks if he's ok; he tells her that his chest hurts. She says that if he still feels lousy in the morning, he can stay with her and he can go with her to her doctor appointment and be seen as well.

Ten minutes later she texts DH and says that she has plans til 7:00pm tomorrow, asks if "...our son's health isn't more important than a day trip?", and asks what kind of parents DH and I are.

Now DH is at Urgent Care trying to figure out if this kid is SICK sick, having an asthma episode or if he has some type of infection..no fever but chest pain makes me uneasy, ESPECIALLY since BM (though she ran him so ragged for three days that he slept for 16 of the last 24 hours) will spin it that his illness is DH's fault. I'm glad they went.

DH told me that I should take the other kids. The beach we were planning to go to is four hours away. That would be great fun for me as the only adult, with a three-year-old missing his nap, and needing to drive both ways! He was absolutely not thinking- reeling from the drama of it all.

I am surprisingly not feeling (a huge amount of) resentment toward twin B over this- hey, anyone can get sick- but the drama always comes from them and her. I am livid. WTF? When the hell is this woman going to grow up? And, when are we going to stop sweeping her horrible fucking behavior under the carpet because we want to protect her kids from it? They see it- they live with her crazy half the time, and she does not hide it from them. I want them to SEE it see it. And I want my kids to know as well. These people don't deserve to have their insanity hidden from the people they (claim to) love the most.

Comments

irishgirl0727's picture

I learned after dealing with my abusive ex (who everyone thought was such a nice guy) to not hide a bullies dirty little secrets for them, they count on that. Yes all hell will break loose when you start pointing it out, but the alternative is to allow her to keep running your life. You are allowing her to control your lives STOP IT!

hereiam's picture

There is no need to protect them from it or try to hide it, they already know it.

We never bad mouthed BM but neither did DH make excuses for her or try to cover for her. He might have when they were married, I don't know, but even then, SD knew her mother was "off".

SD is 24, now, and depends on BM for a lot, so she puts up with her crazy.

MJL2010's picture

Thank you for that empowerment. They sit there like deer in the headlights but my goodness I'm hoping that some of this is seeping in. We try to reassure that this is NOT their fault and it's her behavior, not theirs- but I've read that no matter what, they internalize it. Ugh. This whole business just never gets easier, does it?!