Not taking SS on vacation...
Do any of you ever take vacations without the SKs? Here's my situation: usually SS comes here for 7-10 in the summer...but this year MIL wants us to go to their state this summer for a week for my DHs grandpa's 80th birthday, which I have unhappily agreed to (I hate going to their podunk town & all the hassles of traveling 14 hrs in a car with small children) So, this year we are not flying SS out here, since we will be making the trip there. This also happens to be the year that all of my dad's side of the family (who I live by & are close to) are all going on a cruise to the Bahamas for my brother's 21st bday & my dad and stepmom's 25th anniversary. Normally we would not be able to afford to go, but we got a decent tax refund & are using that to pay for it (first time we've been out of credit card debt so we don't have to use the refund to pay anything off!) This cruise is 3 weeks before we have to go to SS's state. We haven't told anyone in his family because we don't want SS or BM to find out. Right now we pay BM cs on a voluntary basis, there is no cs order because neither side particularly wants to pay lawyers to go to court, so we try to work it out ourselves. For the last 6 months we are paying $100 less than what BM was getting & wants to get since I got laid off, but in my opinion she should be happy she is getting anything since her lie about DH being the father was discovered...but I'm sure she nor the courts care about DNA when it comes to getting cs out of someone. Anyways, for this reason we do not tell DH's family much about things we buy or places we go, because we don't want SS to know and tell BM. This kind of sucks, but we feel its neccessary. I don't know how we could keep the cruise a secret and I'm afraid it will slip somehow, in conversation or someone seeing pictures...something. I thought about spending the extra $1000 it would cost to fly SS out here, pay for him on the cruise & his passport, but we really don't have it and the passport thing would be a nightmare because we'd have to depend on BM to take him to get it, do the whole parental consent forms and all that. So I don't know, should we try to keep this trip a secret & risk being found out or say something up front about how we're going to use of tax refund & hope this doesn't spark an interest in BM to ask for more cs?
- melis070179's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
JMO...
I think it's your trip, and your decision.This is your side of the family Melis. and is something you are doing with them. If BM finds out about it later, tell her it was your family get together, and to mind her own biz. Sorry to sound harsh. "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."~ Randy Pausch
Thats definitely how I feel
Thats definitely how I feel about it...and I don't feel guilty because DH has never even mentioned wanting to bring SS...I'm just worried BM is going to think oh they can afford a cruise, they can afford more cs. I hate having to worry about stuff like this!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
me too.
That is my only worry now about having the skids come up here, I have enjoyed not having to "hide my stuff" from BM! "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."~ Randy Pausch
hmmmm..this is a tough one.....
we planned a cruise a couple of years ago, and the skids were included, provided they were doing well in school...well of course they didn't do well cuz they were living with BM and she didn't care one bit about schooling...well....when they all found out we were serious and they were not coming on the cruise then all the whining and crazy screaming BM phone calls started. "How could you go on vacation without YOUR kids?"...well...my DH said...MY kids knew they had to get good grades to go on this trip...end of story as far as he was concerned. The situation was different, because they didn't live up to their end of the bargain to go on the trip...but to THIS day...every time that trip is mentioned I still feel a little bad that they weren't with us....anyway...trust me...if BM finds out she will scream and rant and rave, and you will have to deal with whatever she throws yur way..(u KNOW how vindictive they can be) But on another note...how does yur DH feel about not including him????
"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"
He's never mentioned
He's never mentioned bringing him...I guess since he would rather go there for his grandpa's birthday than fly SS out here he just assumed he obviously wouldn't be coming...but as I've said in previous posts, they aren't very close. DH is VERY close to his grandpa, which is why he'd rather go see him in the summer (SS lives in the next town so we'll see him too) But apparently he'd rather visit grandpa than fly SS out here & take him with us. We're taking our other 2 kids, but we don't have to pay for unaccompanied minor plane tickets to take them, so it costs us twice as much to take SS...not to mention the passport issue.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
.
.
We have taken plenty of
We have taken plenty of trips w/o the skids. We dont have kids yet of our own.. one is on the way and will be here in May.. but DH and I already decided that the skids wont be on every trip that we take.
It actually becomes pretty easy to not bring up the trips we do w/o the skids, as we just dont talk about them w/any of dh's family or the skids.. My family knows. Dh's family, none live in our immediate area. As for the pics after the fact.. I am sure the skids have seen them.. they just never ask about them.. and if ss doesnt live in your state.. then I dont think it will be a problem w/him seeing them.
I say go on the trip, have a great time, and dont feel guilty or anything like that.. as you are entitled to a vacation... and you pay cs for ss, and you dont pay that same kind of money for your children as you do out in CS... that is how dh and I view it.
Also, you are still taking him for his visit, just in the town/state he lives in. visitation is visitation.. doesnt matter where its done.
ENJOY!
An idea
Last year my husband and I went on a 10 day trip to Puerto Vallarta. We told our stepson that my family had purchased the trip for us to go (even though we paid for it.) We were upfront with our stepson about the trip but we were clear that it was a gift from my parents for our anniversary for the honeymoon that we never had. Maybe if something slips up in conversation you can be prepared and tell your stepson that it was a gift from your parents or even your work as a bonus.
It feels bad to lie, but it doesn't matter where the money came from. If you want to take a trip without your step then that should be allowed. After all, not all natural parents take their natural children with them on vacations either. Why should you be expected to take your step on every single trip you make? Don't feel guilty! Guilt just keeps us from doing the things we really want to do. Enjoy your trip with your family and your husband. The step can go on the next trip with you guys!
I guess what makes me feel
I guess what makes me feel guilty is we ARE taking our other kids, because they live with us, and BM is always using the "not SS's real dad" in her favor...like in this case she would say we aren't taking him because he's isn't DHs real son, but when it comes to anything she DOESN'T want DH to do, its "well he ain't even your kid anyway so butt out" or something like that. My biggest worry is the cs though...so far I think my plan is to not say anything at all, and if somehow DH slips in a convo with SS or MIL or grandpa, I will say that my parents helped us pay for it so we could all go as a family. Thanks everyone for the advice!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Unfortunately there are laws
Unfortunately there are laws that call him the "legal" father because we didn't do a DNA test to confirm suscpicions until he was 10 years old. Which is because thats when some things we learned that warranted us having one came to light, but its kind of a "too late" law in the majority of states. Its actually very unfair, but nothing we can do. And BM knows it and is very happy she got away with it.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I've read a lot of cases
I've read a lot of cases about it, because I think its such a disgusting thing to do, and one guy's lawyer summed it up pretty well. He said the courts claim to be looking out for the child's best interest to make the man his legal father, however making him pay child support to the tune of at least $100,000 over 18 years is NOT going to make him stay in the child's life, only a bond with the child would, which has nothing to do with cs. What got my husband is he was stupid enough to marry her 2 months BEFORE the child was born, therefore making him the "presumed" father (meaning in the states that have this law, he automatically goes on the birth certificate and becomes the legal father because he is her husband at the time of the birth) and he has a very limited amount of time to file a motion to contest it. Its absurd.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
That is such BS!
That is like saying if you can lies for a certain amount of time you will be rewarded for it! I would be sooo p'od if I were you!
But about the vacation, we have taken trips without SD. We usually do take them around tax time so BM knows that we have the money becuz of taxes. We told SD that we get to go on vacation becuz the poorer you are the more you get--and we are very poor!
But if I were you I would do what others suggested, since you are going on vacation with family-if they find out-just say "yeah isn't it nice of G and G to pay for a trip. Otherwise we won't have been able to go"
Trust me, I am...I really
Trust me, I am...I really have to not let myself think about it very often or it makes me miserable...our trip isn't until July but if they find out I decided I'm going to say my parents paid for me & my DH and we used our tax refund to pay for the kids..of course none of this will be said to BM but we will say it to MIL or SS and I'm sure BM will be told!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Yes if it comes up I'd just lie
and say your family paid for the trip, SS wasn't included because it was scheduled at a time when he was to be with BM.
Enjoy it!
Last Year
DH and I got married in April 08-our Honeymoon trip was booked for July 08-
We could not tell SS then 15, it was a Honeymoon or Vacation as BM would NOT take him to help us out (due to SS emotional immaturity he could not stay alone for 10 days)-Sooo-SS just said DH and I were going away to visit relatives(he did not want to hurt his BM's feelings, she did not take to the wedding too well) and could he stay with her? BM granted him 5 days at Looney Tune Palace-the other 5 days my Bio Son 23-watched the house with Zippy.
What a pain-holidays etc. are ruined by this parental political crap!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I can see this both ways
First of all, it is not BMs business HOW you paid for it or WHO paid for it. If she were tacky enough to ask, I would tell her that when she starts contributing to your household finances, she could have access to the information about how that money is spent.
IMHO, however, if you're taking your bkids, I think you should take SS. I'm not judging you because until you've walked a mile... you know? But even as much as my SD gets on my nerves I don't do anything for my kids that I don't do for her. At least nothing big like a vacation. It's got to be hard on him not getting to see his dad much, maybe knowing that his dad is not his BF (if he knows), and so on. It's hard for kids in a split home to find their place and I don't think I would leave him out. I think when he found out - and they always find out - he's going to be really hurt. That's just my opinion though, maybe there's more to your situation than I know?
Well, he's not really in a
Well, he's not really in a split home, he only comes here once a year...other than that he talks for 5 min a week on the phone...they aren't close. And if he were here we would take him, but it would put us $500 into debt to do so because it would cost more than the tax return we got...we do try to do a bunch of fun things when we're with him to keep him entertained, because according to him and BM there no point in him coming here if we aren't making sure he's having fun!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Yeah, I see that
We have SD8 about 60% of the time so there's no way we would take a vacation without her (unless it was just adults, one can dream...). I feel like SD tries WAY to hard to be "part of the family" and leaving her behind would be a crushing blow. She'd be a lot less annoying if she weren't so insecure, but you have to feel a little sorry for her.
she is happy she got away with it...
I'll bet!! That is so unfair. Lets she how she feels about getting away with it, when she has to explain herself to her son! "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."~ Randy Pausch
She actually blackmails us
She actually blackmails us about this...she says if we tell him the truth before he's 18 she will take us to court for a cs order (which would be higher than what we have agreed to pay voluntarily) and if we tell him after he's 18 she is just going to say she didn't know my DH wasn't the father and the only other person she slept with was a one time thing and she doesn't know who he is. She thinks this makes her sound better than actually telling who it actually is, which is her first husband, because according to her he's an asshole. What she fails to realize is her saying that means we know who the father is and can tell SS who it is if he ever wants to know.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
My thoughts exactly, and I
My thoughts exactly, and I personally feel he's emotionally mature enough to find out fairly soon, and I absolutely hate that he's being lied to over something so big. I feel like he's going to have some serious trust issues. But at the same time, if he's told I know she will run to a lawyer out of retaliation and any civil relationship we are trying to have will be thrown out the window. She's a stupid b*@ch...sorry, but I can't stand her LOL
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
wow....she takes evil to a whole different level
It wasn't until I became a stepmom that I found out how truly evil some women can be and it still shocks me!!...But just as with my evil BM, I HAVE to believe that good wins out over evil in the end!! Hang in there Melis!!!!
Just remember............
"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"
Yes, I never knew until BM
Yes, I never knew until BM came into my life! I think she's gotten pretty good karma since though...or at least she's made more terrible decisions that have led to her current status: Divorced 3 times, none of her 3 kids know their real dads (and my DH is the only one she's been able to stick with cs), she's a convicted felon (using and selling large amount of meth which got her kids taken away from her for 2 years), living in a 3 bedroom trailer with her 3 kids, her BF and his 2 kids in the same boring podunk town she grew up in with no job & no education. Sounds like a wonderful life!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I just still cannot understand this!
just because the woman was able to intentionally deceive DH for so long, there is nothing you can do about it. I just absolutely CANNOT fathom that.
What's right is right, I would get a second or third or fourth or zillionth opinion on this paternity crap. And if it still came out that way, that's when I'd have to get involved in legislation. Take it to the streets, sista!
I hate that stupid irresponsible sluts can get away with this. That's total BS.
We talked to 3 different
We talked to 3 different lawyers, in our state & the state they live in, I looked it up on the general statues, I've read about many other cases...this is actually VERY common, and lawyers won't touch it with a 10 foot pole. The ONLY way to get something done about it is if the REAL father comes forward & wants his paternity rights...but considering we don't know the guys full name, where he is or anything about him and BM refuses to tell, and the guy doesn't even know about SS, thats nearly impossible. Besides, even if it were, being relieved of cs obligations would most likely mean giving up any rights to see the kid as well...and even though they aren't very close, I'm sure that would hurt both of them. Or at least I'd like to think that it would!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Actually, after thinking about it
It probably is what's best for any kid in any circumstance. Ten years is a very long time. We have a similar situation and this might actually benefit us.
In our sitch, FH knows one of his isn't his. He came into her life when she was less than a year old. After talking to his family and doing some soul-searching, he decided he would step up and he knew that by doing that he'd have to go all the way and just BE her dad. So he did. Later he and BM break up, he never knew who her real dad is and that guy's never stepped forward (not sure BM even knows). When we went for custody of skids, he was awarded custody of all three. BM tried to get a new trial saying that one wasn't his, she brought along her birth certificate, judge didn't even want to see it. He was more interested in the child support order BM signed saying she WAS his kid. I don't think the judge was too happy with her lying about paternity when it meant more $$$ for her. Her motion for a new trial was DENIED! teehee
Anyway, so SD will be 8 in July, if this statute is true here, it sounds like she will definitely legally be his by 2011.
I still think it's not right to basically reward a lying whore (excuse the harshness). Which it seems this law has done in your situation.
Thats because BMs are not
Thats because BMs are not allowed to bring a paternity action either. The ONLY way is the legal father can IF the real dad wants his rights, or the real dad can bring one himself. BMs aren't allowed and legal dads aren't allowed on their own, even if they DIDN'T know up front. I understand someone who knew and made the choice to be dad, shouldn't be allowed to change his mind when he all the sudden has to pay support, but thats different than paternity fraud. They do it in paternity fraud cases to make him pay for the child...its obviously not about the relationship otherwise they wouldn't let the legal father out of the obligation as soon as they find the bio father to pay up. Its about the money & the mom getting money. They don't care who "plays" the father, they care that someone is PAYING so the STATE doesn't end up paying the mom with welfare checks.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"