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Please help me with custody arrangements.

mamameeya's picture

Can anyone with experience offer some ideas for a custody arrangement that will work for us... here's our situation.

SS10 is currently doing a 50/50 split w us but we live in the same town. He is going to a new middle school next year in his Mother's city which will be 45 mins away from our town. What are some arrangements that would work for a new shared schedule but obviously he will be spending more time at his Mom's. I am the step-mom and my husband will commute into the city where SS' school will be so that isn't such a bad situation but how does this work for school vacations, etc. when we are all on opposite schedules and what kind of weekly schedule would work with every other weekend? We also have 2 young dc's at home with another baby on the way so we are stretched pretty thin these days. (SS is only child to his mother). Also, weekends for us are Friday, Saturday & Sunday nights and this is not flexible as the weekends SS is with us his bio Mother is 4 hours away living with her husband (and 3 step-dcs) -- super complicated, I know but she chose this life for herself. Is us taking him 1 day during the week in addition to every other weekend doable or is it just too much being 45 mins away? Can we make that work and which day would be good to minimize this being too hectic of a lifestyle. SS is getting older and friends are becoming more important to him than family time not to mention the new demands he will have in middle school.

I really appreciate any helpful ideas you can offer. We are so unbelievably anxious about how this will all work.


overworkedmom's picture

What I have with my ex is this, he gets:

Every other weekend
Every other Thanksgiving
Every other spring break
Christmas break is divided into two- 1st half to Christmas day, 2nd half is to New years eve (exH is Jewish so he gets 2nd half every year)
Every other New Years
30 days in the summer (we have it divided into 3 10-day periods)

As long as you guys stay open with his friends families, keep him involved in his sports activites, etc there is no reason that 45 minutes is a big deal.

mamameeya's picture

How will it be possible to keep him involved with his sports/activities if we live so far away with 3 other kids with sports/activities? This is the part that concerns me the most, I think. His BM takes him to his step family 1 of her 2 weekends and the other 2 weekends he is with us so realistically, he will only be in the city where he/BM live one weekend a month. This poor kid. I feel like there's no easy solution.

overworkedmom's picture

When SS has a game or practice on your weekends, you guys have to suck it up and take him. It's a pain, I realize it, but a few hours of time is worth the weekend you get right?

Anon2009's picture

-you get every other weekend
-BM is responsible for transportation (or he can take an Amtrak train, a bus, the subway if you live in NYC). But she'll have to pay for the cost.
-Dad and SS can Skype on a day that works best with SS' schedule
-get CS taken care of. DH will be paying it if he doesn't already. Become well acquainted with NY's CS system and make sure the courts take into account your kids.
-make sure DH gets every fathers day
-make sure holidays and birthdays are alternated every year
-make sure the court order leaves no room for interpretation and is rock-solid. Make sure pick up/dropoff times are specific, along with the dates and times
-make sure to support his relationships with his friends

Anon2009's picture

Sorry, I thought mom was the one who moved, I must have missed that part. It's been one of those days.

amackeral's picture

I read it that mom is moving away too "...we live in the same town. He is going to a new middle school next year in his Mother's city which will be 45 mins away from our town"

mamameeya's picture

Dad will drive him into the city for school. BM not responsible. It was undecided if he would go to school in our town or live in the city with BM and go to school there. What I am trying to understand is can we do mid-week nights too without SS being overwhelmed (waking at crack of dawn to get to school, etc) or should we try to stick to every other weekend since it's a 3 day weekend?

Lalena75's picture

we're 20 min from BM town (actually it's more just the south end but considered it's own "village" SO left the kids in school there as BM had already enrolled them when 50/50 was awarded, they do week on week off with exchanges after school at the school on fridays non-school fridays it's recieving parents responsibility to collect the kids currently at one of their houses (ours or her parents) no changes for school holidays or summer only on the actual holiday they have sorta split and each can request an extra week in the summer )in effect having them 3 weeks straight. Depends how much driving you want to do SO on school days drives the 20 min to and from twice a day.

simifan's picture

What about adding the long weekends... MLK day, President's day, etc... Some extra time without making the commute terrible.