Well.. Here we go..
New here and have been reading constantly for the last 3 days. I feel like maybe I have found a little piece of heaven lol!!
I have spent the last 7 years feeling alone and isolated in this very hard life of a blended family. I have friends that have step children and blended family but they are also DH friends so I have to watch what I say. Knowing that there are so many of us out here just struggling to have a somewhat happy life makes me feel better.
I have 2 BDs 16 and 11 and 3 SDs 25, 23 and 16.. SD16 lives with us full time along with my 2 BDs. Most likely this blog will mostly be about her .. SD16.. 7 years trying desperately to like this girl.
SD16 is a wretched, pathological lying,self centered bratty attention whore who is never ever wrong!! I literally can NOT stand her. THERE I said it out loud and I meant it. That being said, I wish I didn't feel this way. I have tried and tried to feel something. I try to put myself in her shoes... Her mother abandoned her after neglecting her for a year after DH left. Her older sisters are also wretched people. BM bad mouthed Dad their whole lives so he is the bad guy to the older 2. My DH is pretty much nonexistent in the parenting dept. He shut down years ago after being basically verbally abused for 20 years by the ex and his girls. His relationship with SD16 even now is basically strained and non existent. (Our only fights stem from either He won't engage or he sides with her every flipping time not even knowing what happened.. thanks for that united front buddy - more on that to come i'm sure)
Sooo she comes to me for everything. She calls me mom. Tells me she loves me all the time. She does nothing to prove it but she says it about 15 times a day. So I feel guilty most of the time for feeling this way because she literally has no one else. But I can't stand her. She treats me like shit. She talks back and even worse speaks down to me like I'm stupid. She blows off any chores she has. She blows off homework and if I bring it up there is some crazy ludicrous lie as to why it didn't get done. And if I call her on that she melts down into screaming and crying until daddy appears and bails her out believing every goofy lie. ONLY time he steps in are those times.
So HOW do I disengage from this step child when I'm the only one here to parent her?
I feel completely stuck. I have told DH Step the EFF up!!! He will try for a moment and then slip right back into silence. Frustrating.
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Your absolutely right
Your absolutely right Bright.. I have these awesome moments where I DO back the eff off and I'm so proud of myself and I've told her look, I'm done with this bs. She will straighten up and have this knack for seeming so sincerely sad about what shes doing but then go right back to it. AND the DH will play on my heart too and say things like "Youre all she has... She only trusts you. She won't talk to me." uuuuhhhggggg!!!
She's very intelligent but socially awkward. I actually do feel sorry for her at times because I do see her struggle with life. But, she ruins it by turning back into the conniving little bitch.
I have to get off this rollercoaster.
I'm hoping with everyones encouragement here and being able to not let my heart get in the damn way I'll be able to stay strong to make a real difference.
then perhaps request from
then perhaps request from your DH, if he's asking you to be there for her, that he be there for you...that he cannot undermine you by "saving" her...because though he might feel he's saving her, what he's really doing is teaching her that he overrides you.
Right?! Just a couple days
Right?!
Just a couple days ago he called off work so he was here for the morning. Usually our morning go fairly smooth. None of us ladies are morning people and SD and I especially have had some words.. lately though its gone ok.
well, this is going to sound petty but it really pissed me off and I have to tell it to get to my point.. So we have a keurig coffee maker. SD16 drinks coffee..(I don't care if it stunts her growth lol) and never refills the water when its out. The light blinks.. can't miss it when it says refill... So I had been down earlier, made a cup and it was blinking when my cup was done brewing.. I thought Lets see what she does with this.. now she will HAVE to fill it if she wants coffee.
I come down and she's sipping her coffee and the keurig is blinking! OMG i saw red. I lost my shit.. I said.. Did you seriously put enough water in there to only fill your cup?" She fucking smirked and nods!! WTF is that????? Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you have the courtesy to fill it???????
Shes all offended and said I was in a hurry and i only had time to do that because i had to finish my hair... blah blah blah... I said.. Did you stand here waiting for you coffee to brew???
I had her dead to rights.. there was no lie to get out of it. She bursts into tears screams that all i ever do is yell at her goes up slams her door. Dad offers to drive them in... mind you he didn't see or hear any of that...
He gets back and starts yelling at me because I made her cry in the morning before school!! I told him what she did.. again, I know, petty but thats the shit she does to everyone here.. bare freakin minimum!!! It was a last straw thing for me... not the actual not filling the keurig but her complete and utter lack of common courtesy in the house. I explain this to him AGAIN for the gajillionth time and hes still yelling at me that i chose the wrong time to scream at her.
I sat there for a minute and calmed down. I said I need to ask you a question and I want an answer!! he says ok..
Why do you only yell at me about mine and SD arguments?
why don't you ever reprimand her?
His answer: Because you forgive me
there you have it.... I
there you have it.... I haven't had that line fed to me yet... but I sensed it was on SO's mind when he pulled some sh!t this weekend.
I'd ask him another question:
"what if I didn't?"
Amen sister!! I'm getting
Amen sister!! I'm getting there for sure! I'm a peacemaker by nature but this is just getting to be too much.
simply disengage fully, never
simply disengage fully, never re engage again...
SD is manipulating you and not really caring, simply learn to say ASK your DAD SD, and then step back... this you tell her on anything she asks from you.... ignore her ...
the only time you re engaged is when she's nice with you and does her chores, but if she's not willing to change you disengage, and remember Hon... you can not care more then her own father, you are not responsible for the person she will become. Focus on your own girls and disengage from her
This is exactly where i want
This is exactly where i want to be!! mmmm that line "you can not care more than her own father" is really speaking to me. That's powerful. Simple and true!! Why am I expected to be this mom that loves her unconditionally when her own father doesnt step up to do it???
Reading these posts and blogs the last few days has made me feel so much better knowing I don't have to LOVE this kid. I don't have to CARE. I don't have to LIKE. Or even be concerned with how she turns out. It's ok. Shes not mine. I don't want her to be mine either. Its like a weight lifted. It's all going to be ok. Shes like a neighbor kid. Someone said that somewhere about Would you be concerned about the neighbor girl?? well no, she's not my responsibility... OHHHHHH right... lol ding ding ding ding.
Welcome, Mamacherry. Going
Welcome, Mamacherry. Going through this for 7 years alone without ever connecting freely with other stepmothers sounds like a special kind of hell.
Within a couple weeks of getting married, I had the inspiration to tell my bridegroom, "If you can't trust me to report accurately interactions with your daughter and to have her best interests at heart, this will never work." He accepted it and never again tried the bs of "well, she says what really happened was xyfantasticalz." I have thanked my bride self over and over for that one inspired moment.
I don't know if after 7 years you can pull off a similar moment but I would certainly try. The only way this situation is going to change is if YOU change. They are both lurching along comfortably so they will never do so unless forced by you.
So you can try disengaging which I understand will be hard for you or you can try getting very firm about teaching your husband the kind of partnership you expect from him if he doesn't want to lose your parenting or even lose you.
LoL It is a special kind of
LoL It is a special kind of hell!! I have besty I talk to a lot about it and she's awesome. She is a step mom too but her SS is 8 and not around much so not much conflict but she does understand. She had even stepped in and gotten on SD about helping out and stop being so disprespectful to me. Of course, SD was completely mortified and couldn't believe I said those things about her. I said What? The truth? Yes, I did. Maybe hold yourself a little accountable!! Nope.. she just avoids "aunty' now.
I'm going to write that down for the next incident. He knows something is going on with me. Ive been somewhat disengaging with both of them lately and focusing on my BDs.
Wow! You nailed it with the
Wow! You nailed it with the DH. This sweet man is very strong. He is retired Navy Senior Chief. Highly decorated, well respected!! He told me once He would go to work and run an entire school with 1000 men.. lead sailors on missions, relied on by Captains... and come home and be completely emasculated. turned into a complete imbecile, in front of his girls. It's crazy. The ex is crazy! I have never in my life met someone so out of touch with reality. Someone who believes her lies so wholeheartedly no matter how outlandish they are.. and let me tell you, they are OUT THERE!!
SD comes by a lot of her behavior honestly. DH uses that as a point with me.. well, you know, she grew up with crazy so you have to be a little understanding. Do I? Do I have to put up with being talked down to? Ignored completely when given a direct order? Or told my parenting leaves a bit to be desired?? NO I absolutely don't.
I suggest counseling for all of us frequently. Yes, i agree that DH needs some counseling after living with crazy for all those years but again, he's military.. admitting you need some help... well thats weakness and unacceptable.
Another thing with DH.. he is the most awesome husband!! I pray all of my girls find someone that treats them the way he treats me. Except this part. lol
My girls love him.. especially my 16 year old. They have bonded and DH feels like a good dad with her. Yes, there is jealousy with that too. Which I will blog on at some point.
There is so much more to all of this and I can't wait to get it all out of me.
No, you don't have to take
No, you don't have to take it. Picture little Helen Keller before Annie Sullivan came along. Yes, the child had been severely traumatized and debilitated. The family wanted to baby her for that. What they got for their pity was a little savage trapped in silent darkness all alone.
Then Annie Sullivan came along and said, yes, this child needs a lot of love for her disadvantages. TOUGH love! She needs extra help in learning how to become a civilized person who can communicate, understand, learn and be a welcome presence in the world at large.
Without Annie Sullivan Helen Keller would have been consigned to an asylum after her parents passed if not before. With the tough love of Annie Sullivan teaching her how to behave and to properly interact she became one of the most successful and beloved women and cosmopolitan women of the modern world.
Not that every kid has to become world famous but to move smoothly through the world and leaving it a better place than how they found it is achievable and the proper goal for everyone. Remind dad if she doesn't learn certain things at home the rest of the world will teach her without pity.
The unfortunate truth that
The unfortunate truth that goes along with this analogy... is that everyone and their dog knows Helen Keller and her accomplishments...nobody remembers Annie Sullivan and the work she put into it nearly as much.
SM is Annie Sullivan... and the troubled dysfunctional SD who turns out ok despite her issues...is Helen Keller.
I would argue that may be a
I would argue that may be a separate analogy.
In mine, I stick strictly to the theme that if you want a child to be isolated and disliked and helpless, cater to her whims and never teach her limits or demand skills of her. If you want a child who can make social connections, stand on her own two feet, and be welcome anywhere, give her limits and demand performance. Even if, perhaps especially if, she has "been through" something.
lol, I wasn't trying to take
lol, I wasn't trying to take away from your analogy (which I loved btw)... was just trying to say "...but don't expect recognition for your efforts"
Oh! yes, of course, totally
Oh! yes, of course, totally agree!
And I believed your point was a good one, too. We're good, girl.
BTW, must share credit with my irl friend. As soon as I got married and started venting to her she said, "(Gasp!) Act One, Scene One, The Miracle Worker." It was and is perfect.
If I could have moved SD into a cabin where she only had me we would have a different young woman today (17 years old now).
I found that disengagement
I found that disengagement manifesto yesterday and it was like it was written for me. I am at that point that in order to save myself I MUST disengage from this demon. She is a mess. She has just recently asked to be taken to a doctor for ADHD to which I said, talk to your dad. She will just say nevermind. Usually I would end up speaking to him about it but ya know what?? No, not anymore. I'm tired of being the buffer and getting kicked for it.
I had asked DH a few times to get her into some counseling when she was younger because of her behavior. He agreed but never followed through. She used to tell me she was cutting herself but never a mark on her and she is very big on showing me every single paper cut, pin prick and scrape she gets and explain how painful it is. Felt to me it was just an attention tactic. I didnt tell DH and it came up at some point once and he screamed at me for not telling him about that. I went nuts.. excuse me I'm sorry.. I don't know when you want to participate and when you don't so if you want to know how your daughter is doing and what's going on... GO TALK TO HER!!!
"You can not care more than her father".... YES.. THANK YOU
Welcome MamaCherry. I just
Welcome MamaCherry. I just happened to be eating some cherries, so I thought I would add my voice to your steptalk experience.
My Blogs pretty much lay my life out there. The short version is that I have no bios of my own, have been with SO for almost three years now. He has 2 girls, one now 11 and the other 18, with a 50/50 custody agreement.
The 18 yo has been a problem from the get go - at 15 she was screaming at her father when he would wake her up to go to school, she lies incessantly, has been caught stealing from a JC Penny, and is taking anti-depressants which zonk her out, so she sleeps all day now that its summer, wakes up here and there to watch tv, or open the fridge to munch my leftovers, or snag an ice cream bar.
Shes never been very nice to me, and I feel like her personality is much the same as her mothers. And her mother despises me. So there is that.
Winona SD18, shes very lazy as well - she always has been - it has always been a struggle to get her to do anything to help us out. Shes always snotty to pretty much everyone and plays the victim when you call her out on things. She would blame me for all her problems and issues, if I asked her to do something/not do something. Her favorite thing to tell me is "just so you know, I was here first".
I found this site, last November/December...and it was quite a revelation to me. I read the disengagement manifesto (I call it that too!) and it clicked. So I disengaged. I told my partner I was doing it, and left it at that. Its a process.
So, at 16, your SD will not improve unless some heavy duty work is done on your DH's part. Winona SD18 has no job, no drivers license, and no ambition to really do anything. She does seem excited about starting community college, but in between sleeping and eating, I just don't see how she will pass her courses. Her last high school report card had mostly f's and d's. But like you have read - you absolutely cannot care more than the parents do. This really helped me let go. If Winonas parents don't care that she sleeps in so she cant get up in time for class, I cannot worry about it. If her parents are ok with paying her $250 fine for shoplifting, then I cant get mad about it.
Disengage - it will take the burden OFF. And then you can really focus on your youngsters.
There are more many ways to
There are more many ways to disengage than there are people. For you, it sounds like you have a very passive, introverted DH, an extraverted, insecure SD, and an uncertain understanding of how you want to navigate the step-side of your family life.
I think SD is old enough that you can decide on the relationship you're willing to have, and enforce that. She doesn't need you for survival like a little kid does, so it's about what you want and are willing to offer.
In your shoes, I'd stop discussing homework or chores with her. I'd look at changing family chores so that SD is responsible more-or-less for things that cause only her or DH a problem if they're not done. If she wants to socialize, you can choose if you wish to chat with her at the moment. And if not, oh well. You cannot feel indebted to someone because of the choices of a 3rd party. You can be polite and kind, but you cannot befriend everyone who needs a friend.