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I am so very sad... I am sorry this will be long :(

majka's picture

I was going to post this on ana maria’s blog, but decided to not be a blog stealer and post my own. Anyway, the point of this is to just get it out… I am hurting, so terribly badly and there is nothing that I can do about it, because I have made my bed, and now I must lay in it.

But a word of advice, given in desperation to everyone who is engaged, or dating someone with children… for anyone who is not bound by a marriage certificate and vows... run. If given the opportunity, I would never go through this again. The situation that I am in is not NEARLY as bad as some peoples, but I still am miserable.

I spend my life trying to pretend that I am not in this situation. I have created a delusional world where I tell myself that I am happy, and my husband and I am good… but if we are being honest, I have come to the conclusion that no one wins in divorce or second marriages, no one.

Here is my list of why:
My husband – He does not win because he has given himself to two women for marriage, and now does not even get to see his children. He sends to them SO MUCH MONEY every month, for what? To be able to see them once or twice A YEAR?! All he has ever wanted to be is a father, and here he has two children, but because he chose to lay with someone he now hates, he never gets to see them, and that is heartbreaking.

His ex-wife – Nope, she doesn’t win either. She is so resentful, and sad. No one should live like that. I feel bad for her actually, because if someone reacts the way that she does, they must be miserable.

His children – they do not win. They love their father, and their father loves them, but because of the situation, he is not able to be there for them, and every child needs a father. Plus, I fear how they will turn our being raised by someone with no morals.

And finally me. I do not win either. Yes I am with the love of my life, but if we are speaking honestly, I do not wish to be a second wife. I wanted to be the first. I wanted to experience marriage and life with someone in the same situation, and give myself equally to the man that I love. I believe that marriage is sacred, and I feel that because my husband was bound to someone else in marriage, that we are actually sinning by being married. I know that many will not agree with me, but this is weighing on my heart.

I am constantly feeling like he is seeing another woman because aren’t these the signs: Leaving the room to talk on the phone, trips away, text messages, emails, money missing from the accounts, and the mood swings my goodness…. Isn’t this all what happens when someone sees another? Only in my case, it is his ex wife. I will never be rid of her. Our marriage will never be sacred. I do not even know if we are blessed in the eyes of God or not, and that is something that is extremely important to me.

I do not wish to raise someone else’s children. Because he has children, and gives so much money to them each month… how is it even possible for us to bear children!? I am not getting any younger, and yes, despite the fact that I always say I do not want children… I do. I really really do. But it is not feasible for us to have children, and honestly, I do not think it would be a good thing. I feel that my husband would feel guilty that he could not really father the children he already has, and those feelings would negatively affect our family. I want my child to actually have a father present… not one that is worried about his other children.

I do not wish to be tied to a woman that if we were not connected by my husband I would NEVER have any workings with, because, frankly, she is just a bad person. She is in my life forever… when a normal relationship normally ends… the ex eventually fades away, becomes a non issue… when there are children involved, the ex never fades away. She is always present and always an issue. I want a marriage that is between my husband and me, not my husband, his ex wife the first, and me, the little quiet shadow. I will never have significant influence over anything. Where we live, what we earn, if we travel or not, our money our marriage… nothing.

People on steptalk, I made a big mistake. I listened to my heart and not my head, and now as we approach yet another marriage anniversary, my heart is telling me something else… my heart is telling me it is broken, that we did not think this through well enough, that now this is our life forever, because like I stated already, I believe in marriage, and with the exception of abuse and infidelity, I am in this for life, but I am so hurt.

At any point in the day when I allow myself to think about my situation, I could burst into tears. I am fat, sad, and miserable. A shell of the person that I used to be. I want to grow old with my husband, but I fear that my sadness and stress will overtake me long before my natural death.

I am not looking for advice, but instead, just looking perhaps for a hug, I am just so sad and I have no one else that I can talk about this with. I have no friends, and my family is not close. When I mention it to my husband, he gets so defensive, and tells me that I should just leave if I am that unhappy, but that is not the answer. I pray, but I feel that since I am in this marriage, and the drama that surrounds it that he does not answer me. I have not heard the voice of God since I have gotten married, and that scares me.

Anyway, this has gotten too long, but it feels good to get it out. While I do not post often, I love this site, check it every single day, and draw on all of the support. Thank you.

Majka

Comments

smileygirl's picture

I'm sooo sorry you're feeling this way and your going through this. It probably won't help I'm sure but I would like for you to know that I feel the exact same way particularly today and I'm very glad that you posted this because it makes me feel just a little less alone in this world today. I think I may remove your name and print this for my husband to see because it so clearly defines how I feel so often in our marriage. May God bless you and help you through this.

majka's picture

Thank you for your kind words, and advice to find a counselor. We are in the process of moving, but once we settle in our new place, I will make that a priority. And by all means, if this can help in your situation, then I have done some good today, print away!

While I do not want anyone to feel the way that I feel, I do feel less alone now that you have posted, so thank you Smile and I am sending you a hug Smile

smileygirl's picture

Oh, as I just identified so heavly with you I may not be the right source for advice but if your not in couseling to help you identify your needs and figure out how to find your happiness I do highly recommend trying to find a good counselor. I am in the process of doing so myself now. Good luck sweets

Willow2010's picture

Poor thing! That is such a heart wrenching way to feel. ((((hugs))))

Do you work? Why does he not see his kids?

You really should seek counseling…it sounds like you are a bit depressed. If you don’t exercise, please start…that can help a lot. Even just walking the neighborhood for 15-30 minutes a day, can help tremendously!!

Im sorry you feel this way and I hope it starts coming together soon. I also do not suggest divorce unless there is infidelity or abuse or addiction…BUT, you really can’t stay this miserable for the rest of your life. It is great to work on a marriage and your priorities are great. However, you are a person too and deserve happiness. Good luck!!

majka's picture

Thank you Smile I do work actually; we are both in the military.

The reason that we do not see them very often is because when they were younger, they lived with us full time, the mother had no desire to have them, but once they started kindergarten, it was decided that they would live with their mother because my husband was coming up on his time to deploy, and it they would be more stable with her.

Problem is, right before my SD5 started kindergarten, the BM moved them to Arizona. We are in Ohio. If you are from the United States you know that is a LONG ways away. It cost about $2,000 for my husband to fetch them, bring them back for visitation. Another problem is that Arizona has school year round, so we do not have the opportunity to have them for months in the summer like other states do. It is painful, especially for my husband. We only have so much money, and $1200 goes each month for CS, and he only has so much leave from work that he can take to see them.

The situation gets even worse because we just found out that we are moving to New Jersey, even further away from his children. I will be moving all by myself 6 months before my husband because he will be deployed. It is just so stressful.

You are right about the exercise, I have slack off on that because I am working so much, and full time in school, but edit is importaint, and I need to start again.

majka's picture

Nope, just me and my awesome dog! Yes, it will be a good time to recenter myself, and focus on what is importaint.

Cocoa's picture

i hope you eventually gain the power to control your own life and to instil boundaries with people who do not have your best interest at heart. i think you are truly seeing things as they are, but you have to understand that you DO have the power to change it. the writing is not on the wall unless you allow it to be so. you have the power to be happy! you have the power to stop your dh from allowing his ex wife to disrespect you and your marriage. you DO NOT have to live in her shadow. yes, you may not be his first wife but you can be his last! it is a long, learning process but you CAN get there. reading tons of self-help books helped me. you just being on this website can start some changes within you. keep reading, keep reaching out. have faith in the world, there are people who hear you. support WILL come your way.

tigerlily's picture

Hugs and prayers to you. I also can so relate to your post and how you are feeling, down to many of the details. Your post brought me to tears because I can relate and you were able to write into words so much of how I'm also feeling. I too, although I say I don't want kids with DH, deep down I do, but we can't. This isn't a healthy situation to bring a child into and it isn't feasible for us either.

I've realized I'm tired of being a second wife. I realized that I'm not really able to handle raising someone elses children, or even with disengaging, if I even want to deal with it anymore.

I was loosing weight, exercising, but with all the stress the past few weeks, I haven't been and I can feel the weight starting to come back already. I just feel drained. I'm concerned about the toll all of the stress, heartbreak, etc. is going to have on my health.

My heart truly goes out to you because I feel the same way in so many ways, about much of what you wrote.

z3girl's picture

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Like all the others, I totally understand how you feel. There were times I just sat in our home and cried.

I don't know the details of your situation, but there are times I can be positive about my marriage. I can honestly say that I pity my DH at times. He said that he'd never been in love before he met me. That means he wasted 20 years of his life with a woman he didn't love!! Isn't that awful? I can at least say I was in love before, but I was young and not ready to settle down. At least I never wasted my life being married to someone I didn't love. Also, DH has a daughter, and it's not a real relationship. He sees SD20 infrequently, and it's been that way for years. He only had a normal father/daughter relationship when she was less than 10 years old. He doesn't remember too well the details of what it was like to raise her, so it's almost like starting over again with our babies. I've gotten to the point where I simply don't care about that part of his life. The money hurts us (he has to pay cs and private university tuition) but he had no other debt, so I try to think it could have been worse if he had been irresponsible with his money on top of it all.

Would I do it all over again? Yes and no. Having my own children is the best thing I ever did. Regardless if you're married to a man who already has children, if you know in your heart you want your own, just do it. You will find a way. I like to think that my children will be better adjusted in life because I cannot spoil them the way SD has been all her life. My family didn't have tons of money when I was growing up either, and I turned out fine.

Therapy has also been a life-saver for me. I cannot help straighten DH's mind out, but I make damn sure I am as mentally healthy as possible. It feels good to always have that emotional support available. I can't say how many times DH has gotten me upset in the past and I've called my therapist and she's helped me calm down. It's worth it!

majka's picture

I just want to thank all of you for your beautiful words and advice, it has made me feel a lot better. I will take what you have said and put it into action - I will focus on myself from now on, myself and my marriage, and everything else will fall in line. I will not let this get the better of me. I really really appreciate all the hope and the time that you all took into writing to me. It give me so much hope that I did not have before. I love this site. Smile <3