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Losing My Mind!!!

Maganamitre04's picture

I have been with my husband for 3 years, he has a son who is now 9years old and will be 10 this June! I'm losing my mind, as a step mother, I get looked at as the bad guy for EVERYTHING!!! He moved into my (our home now) since we've been married. He has his son Monday's, Wednesday's, and every other weekend. I love his son like my own but lord almighty this child is beyond spoiled and entitled and I blame both the mother and his father! He has ZERO responsibilities, poor hygiene, bad grades and just plain old DOESNT care about respecting this house at all! Anytime he lost anything it was replaced, it could be anything up to even his own winter coat and he never got in trouble. Everything is always replaced. I never seen this child on any type of punishment and if there was one it never lasted no more than a few hours. It took so long for my SS to learn to wash his hands before/after meals (till now he's told to wash his hands), he barely brushes his teeth when he's with us and barely showers. I tried and tried so hard to speak to my husband about all of this, just to get told "you don't like my son", I'm always the bad guy and all I want is the best for my SS!!! I want him to grow up to be a responsible, well kept young man. Now that we are on this "stay at home order" his son does nothing but play video games all day and if he's not on his game his face is glued to a cellphone screen! My husband doesn't think anything of it. He eat nothing but junk food all day and I try to inform my husband he needs to eat a "real" meal. He's suppose to have had to learning packets from school one packet was giving in early March before the closed schools down and another on March 30, both to which are 38 pages. He's done none of it. Now there is Remote Learning and he didn't even to that. 
 

I'm losing my mind because I just care about this child to have some damn structure and responsibilities. Yet, I'm seriously wondering about how his parents (my husband and his BM) are raising this child. I seriously feel like this child will never have a clue how to be on his own or even handle normal life with the way this is going. i tried so hard to talk about this and I'm always getting snapped on like I'm the step monster and that he's just a "baby!" I'm like what the hell HE'S 9 going on 10, he's not 2!

 

please help I'm lost and possibly ready to leave my husband because I can't take feeling like a maid, alone without a say so in my own home. 

Comments

Maganamitre04's picture

I have a daughter, myself, she is 15. She has been raised with discipline and reapect. She has rules, she has great hygiene and I don't need to constantly be on her and that how I know I raised an amazing child and on my own without her own father. But this is ridiculous! 

Kee-khe's picture

I went through this. Did everything for SD, always had to push DH to parent her and he never did. SD is a spoiled little b*tch, bossy, abusive, manipulative, etc. And all I wanted was for her to be a likeable person. DH didnt care and got mad any time i'd bring her up in a conversation. What did I do? Left her alone to continue to be the little asshole she was growing up to be anyway. If the father and mother don't give a shit about their child, why should I?? SD can end up a useless, dependant bum, just like her mother.

Maganamitre04's picture

That is exactly where I'm at right now! Ready to disengage from everything when it comes to the SS! It's exactly how you put it! If they don't give a shit, why should I! If he grows up to be a ungrateful, irresponsible loser- well so be it that is what you raised him to be. 

Disillusioned's picture

Quite honestly, if your DH doesn't care then I would just stop wasting my time and energy and not involve myself

Set an example for your SS by being a decent kind human being (without being walked all over) and otherwise spend your time and energy elsewhere

As long as the child isn't being abused or neglected, then him being spoiled is not a lot you can do anyting to fix 

AlmostGone83's picture

All of these step kids are "whittle babies" no matter what their ages are ... 5, 12, 16, 18, 20, 30, heck there's even some guilty grandpas on here who baby their middle aged children! Whenever a concern is brought up, it's always "But she/he is ONLY ___(insert age)___!" It never changes. Excuses will be made no matter the life stage. My own husband does it with his daughter (who is 20). She is allowed to act whatever way she wants because no matter what she does she's not reached full maturity in his eyes (WHEN will she reach maturity in his eyes you ask? Never. Because it will always always ALWAYS be "I did the same thing when I was her age") 

hereiam's picture

Ew. Your husband would not be appealing to me, not even caring about his son's hygiene, eating habits, or school work. Then, because you DO care, you get the, "You don't like my son," line. Typical.

justmakingthebest's picture

This is not trying to be rude at all-- but did you guys ever have a conversation before you go married about what you expect out of each other in regards to parenting? How you want the kids to be raised? Common ideas on discipline, structure, chores, expectations?

Did you live together before you got married?

I know a lot of people think that once you get married these things will get better, but usually it gets worse. People show you their best side before marriage. Then after a few years you get to the real person. 

Have you sat down with your DH to discuss these things? Would he be willing to speak to a family counselor about how to bring you guys to a middle ground regarding these things? Obviously it will not be 100% the way you want but if you can get to 75% and tolerate life, that would be worth a shot. 

Maganamitre04's picture

Not rude at all, thank you for commenting.

Yes, this was discuss and prior to his moving in. I run a tight home, just because I work at a hospital and have long hours. Therefore house is always cleaned before I leave, my daughter is taken care while I work (at her grandmother after school) and dogs are ok. My daughter is 15 and it was just me and her, at a early age I was mom and dad, I took care of making sure she was not always dependent on an adult. Thought how important hygiene is at a early age, school is #1 in my home, and also learned chores early. As of now my daughter doesn't require me to do anything as far as cook for her, assist with homework (unless having trouble), doesn't require me to tell her to shower and does her own laundry. But as her mother I still do make breakfast and dinner and will do laundry when I'm doing mine. I'm still a mother but for the most part as a young adult I believe should will be a great adult and successful without being dependent. 
 

As far as his son, I set rules that all he is required to do is clean up after himself, wash up before/after meals, before school, shower regularly, and clean his room. THOSE ARE THINGS ( in my eyes should be simple for a young child to learn), but that what was required of him. I didn't even give him a simple chore, as to throw garbage, because heaven forbid I would be asking too much (as far as rules). His son has it really easy! His son is spoiled everywhere he goes: he has two grandparents (his BM mother and DH mother), his mother spoils him, so does the DH, and well I would spoil him too BUT NOT LIMITED TO PUTTING DOWN my foot when it came to my home. I consider my home my place of peace and that it should be clean and presentable. Like what mother wouldn't, I'm not OCD, but can be when I really clean the house (outside of my day to day pick ups before/after work). My DH was well aware how I ran my home and how I raise my child and he agreed his son should learn and do simple things. 
 

Slowly but surely all that dwindled away. Anytime I bring up anything about SS leaving a mess, I got ignored. Anytime I mentioned SS should shower and put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, I get huff and puff! We argued at time because he once told me "don't tell me how to parent!" My response was "I'm not, if you think it's ok your son leave dirty clothes everywhere and think I'm a maid to pick it up, well your wrong and you can do it. If you don't think showering is important than he can smell all day. If you feel he should not do anything at all, cool than he won't! BUT YOU WILL DO IT AND ILL TELL YOU. WHEN YOURE TIRED OF ME TELLING YOU THEN YOU BETTER NOT DIRECT YOUR CRAP TO ME AND DIRECT IT TO WHOM IT NEEDS TO GO TO BECAUSE YOURE TIRED OF PICKING UP AND CLEANING AFTER HIM!!!" 
 

As far as discipline, he wanted to be the disciplinary to his child, and I don't disagree, he should it is his son and I'm not his mother. But I won't tolerate disrespect from him either. But I barely to ever see any discipline toward him when he was having behavioral issue with the BM and at school! Even at home, when he would get in trouble there was no line of discipline or punishment. If there was, it never lasted and it baffled my mind! His child was given WAY too much power and also too many choices, when at his age- he shouldn't have many as a kid. So I stay out of it.

 

I don't have a relationship with the BM because she's a piece of work too. Everything is about SS, "if SS wanted something it was about him, if SS said he like this or that it was about him!" She used her son as a prong to get what she or he wanted. Regardless if it wasn't up to him. I learned that when my DH and BM we're together she wasn't the clean one in the relationship, nor did she cook or clean and or do such to raise him. So, I can see that the SS ran the show. 
 

Not in my home! We had discussed going to counseling and furthermore always encouraged it because I wanted to get all this off my chest to someone else- not for agreeable, but to know if I'm the bad guy and or if I'm wrong and if so, what can I do to be compromising- to make things a happy medium. But nope, never happened. So, I just let things go and started resenting my SS.

 

As of now, I can hardly wait until he leaves. It's like a whole feeling of frustration is lifted when he's gone. 

justmakingthebest's picture

So he talked the talk but never followed through. 

You sound like a lot of the mom's on this page that are frustrated because they are raising decent humans that have expectations, manners and the ability to do things for themselves. They get so frustrated with these Disney dad's that let the skids run amuck. 

I think if you want to save your marriage, counseling is a must. "I will be the parent to MY kid" only works if you are respecting each other's needs and actually parenting. Comments like "Don't you ever" blah blah blah my kids again are hostile and threatening and don't belong in a marriage. 

If you are done and don't want to save this relationship- I for one don't blame you. I have been through too much in my life to ever put up with that kind of BS again. 

Maganamitre04's picture

That's exactly how I see it. I mentioned it to, I said "all you did was run your mouth and never followed through all because you wanted to be with a good woman who loves you and him unconditionally! But you had zero intentions of wanting to set any rules or structure for your child and or even wanted to be on the same page as me or even try to find a medium for all of us. It wasn't about that it's just SS is in a different category from everyone else!"

 

I thank you so much for your response. It's much appreciated. This is my first time on here and I seriously thought I was alone with my feelings and situation. But I'm not. 
 

I definitely won't tolerate this BS in my home, so I am searching my options, as we speak today.

 

thank you again

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You ate not responsible for the type of adult your SS becomes. My advice is to free yourself of the stress, by not worrying about that which you cannot control.  I have been homeschooling my son daily. SOs daughters have done nothing but face time and you tube. I could care less. Just like in my case outside forces come along that SKs BPs have to deal with. I sat and laughed to myself while SO was on the phone with the school. They called because they have been tracking the students progress online and can see his kids haven't even logged on.  It was enjoyable watching him stutter and try to explain himself.  He really got a wake up call when they told him they have been using the online assignments to grade the kids for the rest of the school year. I just accept sometimes men are like children themselves and need to learn things the hard way. 

Maganamitre04's picture

I agree and I have disconnected from doing so, my SS has not once done any type of schooling since the mandate order, from the time schools were shut down. Not my problem if he doesn't do any of it. As long as my daughter, is on top of it and doing her part to her schooling is what matters. I gave up. 

tog redux's picture

Ew, "he's just a baby" made me throw up in my mouth a little.    Bad

You are correct, he will not launch into a productive adult when the time comes. If you are lucky, maybe he will want to live with BM instead of you guys. 

I could not be with a man who crippled his child emotionally just to meet his own needs. 

Maganamitre04's picture

Thank you all, I appreciate the time I vented, and all of your input. At this point, I am searching my options because I made another post and seen how I'm not respected as a adult in my own home. I refuse to live with a man who doesn't feel parenting a child is important vs being the permissive parent. All under my roof and I won't be disrespected by someone else's child that's not even my own.

 

I thank you guys and love this forum I read so many helpful things and advice from others. I am happy I didn't feel alone in this situation, as being a step parent. There are so many who relate to myself and others and it's so refreshing that I'm not the only one who feels the things I do. All we want as a step parent and or a parent is to love our kids and the kids of our partners and it be reciprocated. No one knows whether it would be easy or not, but we as stepparents, go above and beyond everyday to try. It hurts when it fails or we are looked at as the evil people in their lives. When all we have are nothing but great and loving intentions.

Thank you, again! 

StepUltimate's picture

We get it. Glad you found ST - you are not alone!