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I think Hubby may have been the Liar...not SD.

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Sat, 09/02/2006 - 9:07am

Well .. here's the latest "update". Since hubby hung up in my ear Wednesday and communication with him regarding SD has been basically impossible...I wrote him a 3 page letter and left it for him to read while I was at a ball game with my daughter(with SD coaching..I got silent treatment & dirty looks...I'll get back to that)

I spelled out the facts step by step...who said what step by step..like a legal case..showing how & why SD's statements were false..and pointed out how quick he was to place all the blame on the 13 yr old..blame her totally and call her a liar..while SD take no responsibily what-so-ever..without double checking the facts with anyone, etc.

"I ended with........
You know…..I’ve had your back since day one….. Your wife treated you like shit for years, lied, cheated, manipulated, played mind games, did many things to try to ruin your happiness. Even your kids turned their backs on you for awhile.. for months on end……I have ALWAYS been there for you. I have always had your back!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t believe how quickly you can turn on me. ……….."

Well....the first thing he did after reading my letter to him...was NOT to discuss it with me as you would think.. BUT rather he immediately called SD's cell phone and relayed my "discussion/letter" to her!!! My daughter was sitting on the bench beside her..and overheard her say.."Well she owes me one more appology than I owe her!!"

When I come ..he isn't home..but has left a little note for me. He doesn't address the lying..doesn't applogise for his accusations against my daughter or his phone hang up in my ear.. or my feelings of him turning his back on me, etc. (Which has now taken over the original issue)

Just this......
"I will ask "SD" to apoligize if you believe that that will be the end of this issue. If "your daughter" had of been injured I would understand you being sooooo upset but she wasn’t..
So I will ask you if you get the apology that you want is that the end of this issue????"

MAN HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later on Thursday....(I'm sorry .. another long post from me)...After another conversation b/t them.. SD calls me...And appologises for letting **** bat when she wasn't supposed to. She took FULL responsibility for it..(opposite of what Dad was telling me) She was not blaming my child or the other coach (opposite of what Dad was telling me) .she explained how it came about..the circumstances and her thought process at the time.. it was not to undermine me.. She was concerned for **** and she would Never want anything to happen to her, etc. She was very genuine and was upset at my "I'm pissed at you.." e-mail..which I appologised for & explained the circumstances behind. We actually had a really good discussion and agreed that from now on we will talk DIRECTLY to EACH OTHER if we any issues. That we don't need to go through Dad/Hubby....

SO NOW...........
If I believe her and she seemed very sincere...accountable..appologetic. I'm left with..... HUBBY is the one who lied to me!!!! Who stated "SD told me "I'm not taking the blame for this one..." "I had NOTHING to do with it" "Other coach put her in ..not me" ...

ANd he would rather knowingly make false statements to me about what was said...try to convince me that My Child is a liar, etc. ...to Protect SD ???!!!! Did he think he was helping her...get out of trouble?!!!!

He made the situation 1000 times worse by his desperate attempts to "protect her". I mean protect her from what?!!! If he had just told me how things went down ..I would've understood and that would've been the end of it!!!!

Is that why he won't address what's in my letter and just wants to "Sweep everything under the rug." He's the one whose lied to me!!!

Either way....if SD lied initially ..she's come clean now, appologies are made .. that incident/issue is over. I consider it resolved.

However....hubby has not appologised for ..either 1) running with SD initial lies and turned on me & my daughter knowing now that my daughter was telling the truth, (if SD did lie initially.) or 2) lying to me directly himself, sacrificing my daughter's integrity, and ruining my trust in his word, in some feeble-minded attempt to make his daughter look good.

ANd not addressing how ANY of this has made me feel......

It just kind of re-inforces that "outsider" feeling I've been having for the last few weeks.

One of my friends put an interesting perspective on it.... "He's a man and men are STUPID!" "There's probably nothing more to it.....He's just stupid and doesn't have a CLUE what he's saying or doing or its impact"

If I look at it from that perspective... I just need to chill.....

Thanks for listening to my "rantings" ladies Smile

Comments

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Sat, 09/02/2006 - 7:07pm

Great chat that you had with your SD to clear the air and create some better communication strategies for the future. I don't agree that your husband is stupid...that men are stupid. Maybe he doesn't understand the issues but how does that create communication and trust between the two of you. These are the kinds of things that destroy relationships...slowy but surely. In a way he treated you more like one of the kids than his partner.

I can relate to this as my husband used to do this and the resentment and anger inside of me built and built to the point of hostility. Try to address the issues with him to prevent things from escalating. If he won't discuss the problems, does he think that the problem will just go away? Does he understand how this undermined you and your relationship? Big problem....

Hope you are able to get a handle on this! Take care.

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Sat, 09/02/2006 - 7:22pm

I said the exact same thing to him, hopeful. "we have to get to the real issues..the core of the problem..find out what when wrong in the communication & why so it doesn't happen again. " That sweeping things under the rug unresolved will not work. That hanging up on me, not addressing the issues in my letter, and now walking out the door...will not solve anything. He says that he wants me to talk to him ..to tell him whats going on, accuses me of not talkng to him when he's the one that has shut down my attempts to do just that at every turn!!. (He also runs back to SD with our conversations which tends to hold me back).

Like I've said before..when it comes to anything dealing with her..he loses his mind.

The thing that really gets me...is that the x could do what she did to him for years..he was willing to go to counselling etc..for her. But his relationship with me is just not worth putting the effort into!!!

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Sat, 09/02/2006 - 6:14pm

BIG fight!!! Just tried talking to him again. About why I got the different story from him about what SD had said...he has no explaination..just he "must of misunderstood". He says I've been acting distant for the last week & half..and now this...I'm over-reacting blah blah..he doesn't want to live like this...blah.blah..so he's planning on leaving!!

He just stomped out the door!!! Like I said ..I've always had his back..why can't he have mine? The x could lie, cheat on him, make hjis life miserable and he's stuck by her side for years....all I have to do is get upset over something I have every right to be upset over..and he's out the door.

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Sun, 09/03/2006 - 12:09am

I'm really sorry you two are fighting and can't get any communication in. It sounds like you both need to get into counseling to help with talking this out.

I know you must feel like things are hopeless right now, but keep your chin up! You have friends here in your corner rooting for your happiness. I hope you and your husband can resolve things instead of ending them.

I have felt in the past that my hubby took me for granted, and stood up for the wrong people, instead of standing up for me..and it is truly a lonely feeling. We went to counseling, and that really helped us out.

Best of luck to you both...keep your chin up, and know we are thinking of you!!!

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Sun, 09/03/2006 - 5:24am

He finally came home just before midnight..went straight to our bedroom..and went to bed..without saying a word. After 1/2 hour or so I went in and asked him..whether or not we were finished..if he still planned on leaving. He said "I don't know". I stayed on the couch.

I don't know where he went or who he talked to.. he just left for work...still not speaking to me. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I'm thinking about how rediculous all of this is and that I don't think he's going to change..I think what I'm seeing is a huge part of what really killed his first marriage. It will continue to kill this relationship...it just can't survive like this.

I am an emotional person..I can't live a lie.. pretending that things don't bother me and never feeling safe to express my feelings to my life partner. I really can't see past this. Thanks for all your support and insights ladies....it is something that I lean on.

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Sun, 09/03/2006 - 10:51am

Thanks Hopeful. Have you really brought your relationship back through counselling? Or is it just a quick temporary fix? I guess I'm dubious of it because my parents went to counselling many times during their rocky marriage and everyone said what the counsellor wanted to here....then went back to their old ways. My mother finally left my father last year at the age of 62 after 42 miserable years together. I'm afraid of being dragged through that emotional rollar coaster, baring my soul, just to rejected at the very core of my being.

I called SIL after he left here last night..and BIL called him. He was at a bar but went over to thier house. According to her this morning..it sounded like his mind was made up..it was over..but then he would speak of my son & how he'd miss him..then he went back to "she can have the house".. He told them he's tired of fighting. We don't fight that often..but when we do it lasts about a week..what should be small things always seem to get blown out of proportion. I think we had a fight in April..was the last one before this one..I mean months ago..(that one was about him running back to SD with our private conversations, by the way, for all the good it did)

She said he did mention "counselling". And he did say to me last night he "didn't know" when asked if it was over. She says we can't give up without at least trying it..so does another friend of mine..and that seems to be the recommendation from all of you that went that route.

During my conversations this morning...and them speaking of counselling..I had a thought. Hubby suffered (suffers) from anxiety disorder...it was a problem for him for 20 years.."panic attacks" etc. but he has been treated successfully since 2001. Could this rediculous fight or flight response he has when it comes to communicating and facing issues be somehow connected to his anxiety disorder? I can't for the life of me get my head around why he reacts the way he does..especially when SD name is involved. He's usually a very reasonable, logical man but he seems to loose all that reason when we disagree about something. And the other thought I had from speaking to SIL is that when he says "he's tired of fighting all the time"...we don't fight all the time...we laugh together everyday.(except the last week or two)..and our last argument was four months ago... BUT he & X fought ALL THE TIME... SD even told me Thursday night.."Mom was ALWAYS mad at Dad for something." I'm NOT X..he's still fighting his old battles with her through me....

It really makes sense that it's old triggers that he's dealing with not the actual situation at hand..that's why things get out of control. His anxiety problems began shortly after he married X and only stopped after he left her...so that may be all tied in there...

So I guess I'm going to have to get over my own fears insecurities and give counselling some serious consideration!

Thanks for helping me work this through Smile

goldenlife's picture

Submitted by goldenlife on Sun, 09/03/2006 - 7:08pm

It's hard but try to stay flexible enough so you can both find your way back. It may mean admitting you could have done things a little differently or that your husband is is simply human. Sometimes we back ourselves into a corner and need help finding our way out. And we sure are grateful for that hand that pulls us out though!

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 9:00am

WE are meeting with a counsellor at 1:00 pm today! Smile

I dropped off a letter to him at work Sunday along with a copy of Hopefuls MEND article. He cried as he read the letter. We talked again on Monday...(but still going in circles)..but we were calm..it's a step in the right direction.

We had fantastic make-up sex!!!!!!!!

But we're not kidding ourselves..we know things are very precarious...and mybe not fixable..but we love each other and owe it to ourselves to try everything we possibly can to make it work!

Thanks for the support!
I'll keep you all posted... Smile

happy mom's picture

Submitted by happy mom on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 2:47pm

Sounds like husband is covering up his mistakes by using both kids. Sometimes some people can't admit to their mistakes...sounds like he is one of them. Did he ever apologize to you in the past when he does something wrong? My husband is the same, he won't apologize at times when he is wrong because he thinks he is right. He knows he can't lie to me cause I always get to the bottom of things. Maybe you can talk to him face to face and tell him how you feel and point out what you think he did wrong. And ask him not to do that again. Don't expect an apology but the main point is to have him understand your point of view.

-happy mom

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Wed, 09/06/2006 - 12:40am

It did for my marriage. My dh had a very difficult time giving up the bachelor life, and totally valued everyone else but his wife. He was pretty hesitant to counseling, but did go, I think he knew it was over unless he tried.

My point being, don't give up, you will be amazed at what counseling can do for your marriage.

Glad to hear you had great make up sex too!