You are here

Does jealousy makes SD run Luke warm and Cold? Or is it Me?

lovin-life's picture

She runs luke warm & cold with me! Since they were older when I came into the picture, I have always kind-of left the ball in both SD's courts as far as what kind of relationship they were comfortable having with me. I don't throw myself at them...lets go here..let's do them to chat..push a relationship..or anything but I have made many, many gestures towards them over the last 5 years or so....!

The oldest is a B#$%H! Always was, always will be! Her fathers own words! He says oldest SD & I don't get along because I won't "Suck her A##" (pardon the maritime expression) and she is used to being catered too...(like bio-mom)

The youngest has always been more accepting of me. But there is just something about the youngest...I thinks she's sneaky.

She just really rubs me the wrong way, sometimes. We spent a couple hours together one night this week. She is always giving her BF a look whenever I'm speaking!! They began doing that last year.. I noticed that they would give a look, smirk, or tap the others leg, in case one missed the look. I found out what that was about...a few week afterwards. Her BF was out drinking and my BF drove him home...he has loose lips when she's not around. He took the liberty of discusing my BF & I's relationship with my BF...critized me for ever mentioning my X's name in his presence..."how do put up with it" "I couldn't stand for that..if SD did that to me..blahblahblah...

BF immediatly runs back to me. WHAT THE HELL BUSINESS IS IT OF SD or HER BF!!!!!!

It's rediculous.I don't do it that often....but we do have contact..I discuss my X issues with my BF, etc. There is no problem!

So that's what the "looks", leg taps, etc were for back then....

I don't know what her problem is now! I think there is some jealously between her & I because she & Dad used to be inseparible. When we first started dating...she was in a tournament out of province..and wanted him to go...but made it clear that I was not welcome!! He said if she doesn't go ..I don't go!!!! And he didn't go!!! I think that was the first time in her life...she wasn't number 1! I don't think she'll ever get over it....

I don't quite trust her. Maybe it's because of who her mother is..and older sis is much, much like mother as well... I can see it in little sis..but she is 1/2 her Dad there's hope for her. (The oldest is not his biological daughter..came with mother..but he adopted her when she was still young)


Kato's picture

It sounds to me like both your SD's do have some jealousy issues with you. That's ok, make it clear to them that it's not a competition. Do your own things sometimes and leave their dad with them alone so they can have one on one time with him. other times invite them to do things with you without their dad and have a girly afternoon.
Keep your temprement with them at the same level - no matter how they are treating you! I know it's hard but I have been doing it lately with my two and it seems to be working wonders. If they can see that their behaviour is not impacting you - they will probably forget about it and just be normal with you.
Maybe you should have an outright conversation with them and say 'you know, I never want you to feel like you have to compete with me for your dad's attention' - there is enough love for everybody in this house. and leave it at that!

lovin-life's picture

They were 15 1/2 & 25 years old when I came along. His marriage had been horrible for years. The youngest would tell him all the time "dad when you leave I'm going with you". wasn't "if" it was always "when". Both kids actively encouraged him to leave her for years, and years, begged him to not take her back on several occasions.

They..being 2 kids & mom..never really thought he would actually do it!!!!! Cause he had put up with ..abuse..basically for so many years.

The oldest was married and living 3 provinces away. The 15 1/2 yr old went everywhere with him like she was the spouse..and the wife would occasionally join them as the "spare wheel".

Then here I come...we fall madly head over heels in love..the youngest gets bumped from her long standing position as his no 1 companion and his attentions are completely diverted to me.

I have tried the girl bonding thing..I invited her to a movie with me & the kids..she is very closed with me. We do fun things as a group, which seems to work better....and I have sometimes bailed out to encourage 1 on 1 time between her & Dad.

I don't know if this is significant or not...but she never had many female freinds in high school. She has played little jealous mind games with her supposed best sister-in-laws daughter..over the years.

Maybe she has difficulties formiing female bonds in general...I could see that if her first female "bond" was with her psycho mother.

I have tried with the oldest over the years...but it has never been recipicated..and as far as I'm concerned she's an adult and I can't make excuses for her poor behaviour. (Aside from she's just like her mother) I can't make them like me...they probably wouldn't like anyone their father picked because their mother wouldn't.

I think she knows now she pushed him too far and lost the best thing that ever happened to her..she wants him back!!

She is very domineering and controlling and nuts and will always be an overpowing force over them.

I am the best thing that has happened to their father in his lifetime...whether they accept it or not...we are sooooooo happy together!!

He no longer has to pay all the bills, cook all the meals, and he knows that I am always here to love & support him.

So I will continue ...
I will be cordial ...
My grandchildren will know me...hubby has said he will see to that!
And maybe over time I will grow on his children.....
If really is their loss...I'm a great person....

They are both adults 21 and 30 now, live on their own and are responsible for their own choices in life......

They look for reasons to pick me apart and not for reasons to accept me.. Maybe I'm guilty of the same....but I think I've tried my best..I've given hugs when I haven't felt it..(and when I have)..I have bent overbackwards to encourage conversations, make them feel at home, yet I've tried to give them their space.... It's all been so one sided and they are grown women!!!!

That article I found a while back..sums it up..the older the children the less successful..the family blending is. And also girl stepchildren vs stepmothers.....Not a good combo!!

O WELL.......

I won't let them rain on our parade!!!

Kato's picture

I didn't realise how old the girls were!! Their behaviour made them sound younger!! Well, I think you have the BEST attitude! You are the best thing that has happened to their dad by the sound of things - you sound like you have a great relationship and are very happy in love. I would just focus on that because it is very positive! And continue to be polite etc to the girls and leave it at that. As the old saying goes, a leopard doesn't change its spots.

Sherrylyn's picture

Even though they were older, they still had that territorial reaction. Throw in some catty comments & it can become uncomfortable. It may lessen when they finally figure out that it isn't an us or her situation.