Hindsight
Looking back in Hindsight about lots of things, especially StepLife, it shouldnt be so surprising how some things actually start to make sense and the pieces come together. This being one of them: Once you realize that these toxic SKIDS ( BM.s etc) dont have any REAL problems with you. They just want some Attention! Thats why they still manage to have some kind of reason to be upset with you even though you havent done anythning to them or barely speak to them. They feed off on attention and validation so thats why count of your willingness to go back and forth, clapping back by overexplaining yourself to them and want to get a rise out of you. Im sure it would very well be the highlight of their sad little lives. Thats why they get so angry when you walk away to stop entertaining their nonsense once you become aware , because you chose to Starve the Beast instead of playing into it all. Meanwhile, I am far from the only person that SD drove away with this kind of shit a long time ago.
They also have more of an issue with your Boundaries than with you, so another reason not to take things personally. They are upset because you setting these limits mean that they cant get to Play with you like they got used to doing. Thats the heart of it too.
And for good reason! Who wants to deal with miserable, broken people who Create conflict as some misguided means for connection, So that hits the nail on the head in just about all my interactions and dealings with SD. She is definitely that kind of person who will complain how much she hates Drama...yet somehow either she is usually in the Middle of it or stirring up the Shit pot herself.
She is also the type who comess off as trying to be so santimonious now, preaching about not passing judgement and complains about being not knowing when to stay in their own lanes. However, being the hypocrite she is, always somehow tells on herself by demonstrating the opposite.
THe last time I saw her in person ( totally unannounced appearance of course which thankfully has been over 2 years and counting!) , she somehow thought I'd acutally want to bond with her over a conversation that involved speculating that my neighbors were involved with a domestic abuse situation between them. It totally came out of Left field. and without any proof. Its like she had nothing else of substance to talk about. Keeping in mind that these were people she also happened to have had a falling out with prior. so got to take these things with a grain of salt. Thinking she was creating a problem for my neighbors hoping I would team up with her against them meanwhile I didnt even ask to get involved. and refused to. This isnt news. My SD seems to have constantly had some kind of issue with the majority oif her interpersonal relationships including Friendships. And guess whos never the problem even though she is the common denominator who winds up in the thick of it all.
Also bear in mind that my neighbors are the same exact people my SD accused of talking all this shit about me, trying to cause a fight between my DH and I when they have no motives, accused of not being able to mind their own business and "focus on their own family" nevermind the fact that she has done more than her fair share of talking shit about others, including ME, ( she actually tried to insult my character in this same convo) and her bringing up a rumor about my neighbors , who do have a chilld and could have been potentially taken away if it got around enough and taken seriously, thus causing problems for THEIR family. Make that make sense, All this arose because I had happened to find out things about SD through these neighbors, but those things actually turned out to be truth which is well documented. This was all because she was hoping that I'd be dumb enough to be distracted from her behavior if she calls out someone elses faults instead. Also all because she cant get through life without INVENTING problems that I had no part of,in some sorry ass attempt to appear relevent
This is the kind of shit that she expected would guide me to Reconnecting with her again and she wonders why? You gotta love when people show you who they are, show you reasons why you shouldnt trust them. Then they turn around and have the audacity to get mad at YOU when you dont. Its just one of these recoccuring patterns that I have observed in steplife which im sure also isnt new to anyone else here...
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It's not just the attention-seeking
It's more than the attention-seeking, imo. In our case, at least, it was the financial and practical support, like who is going to cut my grass? Take care of my car problems?
Their problem with me was I was diverting DH's attention from fixing BM and the kids' problems. As a person, I don't think they would have had a problem with me actually I would have been invisible. But I stood in the way of his total attention to them and their issues altho heaven knows, he did plenty.
Same here, JRI. BioHo was
Same here, JRI. BioHo was constantly calling Mr Aniki for every single thing. From the dryer not working to there's a tick on the dog. Add to it that he stopped brat-sitting Spawn so 'Ho had to PAY someone when she wanted to go out ho-ing. He was supposed to remain at her beck and call and pine for her for eternity!
You had summed that up to
You had summed that up to perfection too! I feel like for the most part, SD was either resentful or struggling with me being the reason Daddyyyyy having to share much of his energy and attention with anyone or anything else unless it has something to do with her. As if I were her competition ( and probaly still am in her mind) no matter what I did to make her feel like that didnt have to be the case as I never intended it to be that way. In recent years, the ironic thing now even if I am not percieved as so much of a threat to her, she is still just as resentful because I AM the one denying her Attention ...Once she ( suddenly) decided I was of some kind of use to her
Thats why I know that If I hadnt married her Dad, I am sure I would also be nothing much more than a very inconsequential, insignificant person who wouldnt get a second glance either. I dont see what other sincere reason she would have if I werent someone she either can't feel jealous of or expects to be used as some kind of resource for her never ending needs.
In a nutshell, someone always has to owe her attention. Even if she has her Dads and not fighting for his, then she is throwing a fit over not having mine. It just never ends
Actually, I used to feel
Actually, I used to feel sorry for my DH's 'mini-wife'. As I've mentioned previously, he's uxorious to a fault and spoils me rotten. Before my arrival on SD's domestic scene, she had been the apple of her father’s eye. He could not do enough for her, even cutting the meat on her dinner plate when she was 13-years-old! He drove her anywhere she wanted to go, at any time, bought her pretty much anything she wanted and was unconcerned about the fact that she was as lazy as a little yellow dog.
Suddenly, there I was, her father’s romantic interest as well as a person with whom he shared many interests; he truly enjoyed chatting with another, intelligent adult. Plus, my DH and I have always been physically affectionate, lots of hugs, smooches and snuggles.
My SD felt shut out and, empathising with her unhappiness, I did my best to keep to my room (my DH set up the master bedroom with a TV, lounge chair etc. so that I could read, relax and enjoy some privacy while giving SD alone time with 'daddy'). DH had 50/50 custody of his son and daughter so, during their week with BM, my DH and I were able to maul each other to our heart’s content.
It wasn’t until my SD became overtly hostile and unbearably nasty that my pity began to falter. I arranged family counselling for the 3 of us; the therapist advised that SD was very immature for her age and would benefit from more responsibility. Well, that didn’t work out either. Our home life became intolerable, to the point where SD was removed to stay with her mother, full time, until she underwent an attitude adjustment.
Despite the fact that SD’s behaviour was compromising our marriage, I still feel guilt over her ejection from our home (although it only lasted 6 months), and wish that some other remedy could have been found. I also understand, completely, how devastating it can be for SDs to relinquish the lion’s share of daddy’s love and resources they’d once enjoyed to a female ‘interloper’. Their negative reactions are really nothing personal.
Unlike many of the other SD’s described on this site, my own SD is a decent person and we’ve been good friends for decades. If I’d had to endure the nonsense that both you, Amy, and JRI have suffered, I’d have totally disengaged.
Honestly, I have been on that
Honestly, I have been on that whole disengagement process for quite awhile now I hope that I have made some improvement even while understanding through the help of the insight of other bloggers, that disengaging isnt necessarily a black and while, all or nothing thing,,,that its fluid or something with that description.
I also admit that I chose to try with her partly because I felt sorry for her and acted out of empathy. so I felt the need to fix things. But that pity only began to also fade and fizzle out in time due to her own poor behavior. Since then, I have become to see that if letting others cross your boundaries , to try to rescue those like my SD29 who wont help or save herself, . because you feel bad for them or if its out of compassion, can actually turn into doing yourself a disservice. Especially, in my case, for a while I felt I had to tiptoe around her out of some fear or anxiety over what her reaction would be ,, to anticipate her moods, knowing how she always had trouble handling her own emotions. Its like its because she has relied upon far too much on others sympathy and feeling sorry for her to get others to cater to her and do that work for her. All of that ended up negatively affecting my own mental health and also started not to bode well for my marriage and home life too. Thats why as much as I struggled iwth my own guilt about how my SD had to shipped back to the BM herself, I couldnt help but also feeling this undeniable sense of relief as if a weight was lifted from me, which was the case.
Not unlike you with SD, I did my best to help her adjust to me being in the picture, to try to make her feel included and felt it was upon me to repair and maintain her relationship with DH, also try to make up to her BM being a less than present, stable parent. I even agreed to go to a family therapy session with the three of us ( I only went once and never again.. At some time after that I felt I was better served to start ulitzing therapy and other self help methods to cope for MYSELF) I wonder if its any coincidenece that shit hit the fan for this session because SD's therapist said that my kindess and good intentions to help ( i woudnt have shown ip there if I didnt truly care at the time) doesnt mean I have to tolerate any disrespectul behavior from SD, since at 15 ( her age then) she needs to learn to take responsibilty for it. Surely enough, the therapist was being accused of "stirring the pot" meanwhile all she really did was advise to know when to set boundaries. Of course to SD, she got into a tizzy over that most likely because she wasnt being told what she wanted to hear. so it should be no mystery why therapy with her didnt work.
And BTW, Amy, i'm really
And BTW, Amy, i'm really enjoying your insightful, humorous posts. Please, stick around!
I plan on it and will come up
I plan on it and will come up more of a comment to yours soon
It's the attention seeking
It's the attention seeking but in our case also they could not accept change. My great sin was marrying their father and ex-husband. We weren't going along with the BM program, which meant controlling us and being in all of our business. Before DH and I married, BM actually said she wanted the two of us to keep a secret from him. Divide and conquer. She's a very controlling person who has difficulty with a lot of people. What are the chances that I married a man whose ex-wife is such an incredibly horrible person?! She continues to control the now-grown skids' relationships with their father and their feelings toward me. They began creating a false narrative about me our first year of marriage. That was a long time ago.
When my SD was still underage
When my SD was still underage and ( temporarily thank the lord) lived with us, BM had this habit of feeling like she was more welcome into the personal business of my marriage. Including showing up at our place unannounced. Despite trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and getting along. even though I really didnt want to but felt I had to keep the peace and not rock the boat. While I have had zero contact or association with BM for years, I pretty much ended up with her mini me daughter in her place so history had repeated itself. . In sum, my issues have been more with SD since she has followed in BM's footsteps precisely who have also had more than a fair share of many other people finding them to be too difficult and draining to deal with. I have just become one more person they have had to add to that long list.
I will also add that having an issue with change and the need for some kind of control is also present in them both. Aside from the overwhelming need for attnetion, thats also another underlying factor for true.
With these types of people my
With these types of people my give a shit about them is not enough to give any thought to them other that to smack them for their toxicity. I do not give a crap about who they are, who they think they are, why they do what they do, or anything else about them other than their behavior. I care only about what they do and if it is toxic, them stopping what they do. They earn no more than that. If they behave as quality and reasonable people, I address them reasonably. If not. They receive instant misery inducing feedback based on their chosen behaviors.
KISS.
When this shit spawn went with the make shit up about the neighbors, I would likely have called her out on that crap point by point highlighting her own smelly shit big time.
I have never been tolerant of people who thrive on manipulating and scheming to degrade others in an attempt to elevate themselves. My BIL1's bovine bride is the Empress of this crap. She does it in her own family where she degrades her elder sister, and her twin sister and my DW's entire family except her DH. She puts the most energy into degrading and undermining those notably more accomplished and successful than she is. Which, if she was above amoeba level intellect, she would realize that there are not many people who would not be on that list. So she wears blinders on who she tries to paint with her focus brush.
Her primary targets family wise are her elder sister and my DW. Her elder sister met her DH at University. They both graduated. My DW is a graduate degreed professional with a very successful professional career. The BB finished HS and did do fairly well in an employee owned business before getting fired for her manipulative undermining crap. Since then she can't get promoted from part time aid at the school district because she is toxic as F.
I am also sure she does not spare me in her behind the scenes undermining and demonizing festivities. Boo hoo.
Interestignly, when she pushes to the point where she gets her knees knocked out from under her she plays the "My anxiety and depression is sooooooooo bad" woe is me bullshit. Un-Dx'd of course.
It used to be that everyone would just let her do her shit. It took many years for my DW to finally have enough and call her out directly. That was about 15yrs ago. Since then, the call outs are immediate and public. Which triggers the bovine bride and puts everyone on notice that her shit has reached the point of zero tolerance. Then she retreats, gets all "anxiety and depression" riddled and stays victimly isolated along with her DH and their DDs. She uses isolating BIL1 from his family, and withholding the 4 DDs as her "punishment" of others not aligning against the one who calls out her bullshit. Which no one gives a shit about as they just get on with their lives until the BB decides she is done pouting and re-engages with her own sibs and BIL1's family. Interestingly, her mommy and daddy just eat her shit and pretend she is lovable. Though there is no possible way anyone with even only half a brain or less could think that.
DW' sister is another one. though her flavor is more criminal and exploitative than the BB's is. SIL will rip you off in a microsecond flat if given the chance. Never leave a purse or wallet out, lock all of the doors in the house except to the powder room, never leave her unsupervised, and do not have anything but paper towels and stinky hand soap in the powderroom or it will be gone. She really is that sneaky. She presents herself as a sweet individual who is abused by her bosses, and everyone else. She does "favors" and ends up pocketing money anyway she can steal it from family, friends, etc... The prototype of her model is when she "helped" DW's aunt sell a vehicle. She sold it for $Thousands more than she told the aunt she had sold it for and kept that while giving the aunt less than half of the what the vehicle was sold for. Of course that is all public record which my CPA DW uncovered and informed the aunt of. Crook SIL, and her DH, also "bought" a vehicle from the same aunt and never paid for it claiming that the aunt had gifted it to them. NOT! DW as the aunt's executor will have to initiate legal action to recover all of the stolen asset value for the heirs who are actually named. SIL is named in the aunt's Will but only to hiighlight that she gets nothing and if her voided share of the estate is worth less than what she has stolen, she gets sued. Aunt keeps impeccable records to the Cent. At last review, she owed the Aunt more than $100K in unpaid loans, stolen assets, etc.... The list of other thefts she has perpetrated against the rest of my DW's family is longer than a brief mention will cover.
In short, these types need clarity that they stay in line or they suffer. Why they do what they do does not matter.
IMHO of course.
I" nterestignly, when she
I" nterestignly, when she pushes to the point where she gets her knees knocked out from under her she plays the "My anxiety and depression is sooooooooo bad" woe is me bullshit."
Oh boy, have I also become more familiar with this old tune than I'd like to be with SD29. Its like a KNEE- jerk reaction for her and her MO for sure as we all understand. Plays out every damn time SD is ever called out. ( By the way good on Aunt for going after BB over swindling her and suing her. SD hasnt been that ballsy or shady yet to be fair , but if so, Id follow Aunt's example so fast her head would really spin)
I had intended to create an actual blog about that whole playing the perpetual victim shit in more depth. In the meantime, what I will say is that The whole whining about how "I can't do Anything because of anxiety , her BPD, genes, someone doesnt "like her" or did this or that..., blah blah..insert some other BS excuse here" is just utterly exhausting and I have run out of tolerance for any of it. Im so sick of it. ... Its like there is always some reason she feels she needs to be pitied and saved. Its like she has counted on that kind of sympathy to get through life and still does . Just so over it !
I just thought to mention something else about the Neighbor thing. Not sure if this makes perfect sense ( but this coming from SD so thats impossible) Ironically, all it did was give me a reason to question SD's motives while she was trying to trick me into focusing on that of the Neighbors. Hoping that if my attention would shift and directed at them instead of her,Id magically forget her shortcomings, which backfired big time beacuse that didnt pan out as expected. Im sure she thinks Im an idiot.
You can't help but wonder Why someone would just so casually bring up such a heavy thing as abuse just to "make conversation," unless she had some kind of motive too. ( OR just to undermine and manipulate as you mentioned with BB) Im sorry, tell me how this is Not her Stirring the Pot instead and Who even does that ? Not someone who is truly emotionally stable and has "matured" and "grown" ( in my SD's own words which I find hilarious tbh) Why else would she even think of starting something with me over people she knows I have to live across from and have to see every day? And why would she care that much if I so much as associate with them? My other theory is that because SD decided that since she has a problem with them ( feeling is mutual) that she doesnt want me to get along with them either.so she hoped to prevent that. Or she was hoping we would suddenly form this Bond and be a united front over it. Meanwhile, I want not a damn thing to do with that kind of Mean Girl crap. . Its almost as if she found me so much Talking to them was some kind of threat to her or more of her need for some control. and attention. Its always about the attention.
Amy
Well said. Another vote for really getting thing in writing before entering SL