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lisaj5's picture

Submitted by lisaj5 on Sat, 04/20/2013 - 9:46am

I been married for 2 years and with in the fist year I nearly got divorced we where making plans, this is do to not getting our blended family blend, the kids where making it very hard and we just couldn't come together as parents raising 4 kids tighter. we ended up getting help and pulled our self together and saved our marriage the kids stated getting along learned to adjust to each other and things changed all but one his 9 year old daughter she was 8 when we got together, she made no fuss when we dated or when I moved in with my kids.

then it stated she made me out to be a evil step parent and always blamed my son who is one year younger then her why she's unhappy, she went as far as complaining to her aunt just who bad I was and that I wasn't giving her any thing( the fact was I wasn't giving her the things she demanded) will you hoarded the rest fights and near divorce, will zI sat down with her and asked why she is telling people why I am so mean and treats me like a evil step mom will she come to terms with her self and started acting much better,

will with in the last 2 days she started acting poorly again blaming my son again for her unhappiness and like before demands one on one time with her dad because she cant accept its not just her and her dad. he caves in and does that, only trouble is he has a son and 2 step kids and now a baby ( we had together) at home because he has to run off and spend that time with her. should my husband do this? and am I being a bad step mom because I think its wrong that he runs off and buys things even though we talked about it, and tells her its something special making her thinks she's getting something because demanded

dad time

Comments

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 04/20/2013 - 10:23am

I really wonder if you considered the impact this had on all the children. I am amazed at the ease to just move in with kids and expect them to meld together. My GDs father has just left a 1+ yr relationship where his g/friend wanted GD to call her 'Mommy' and the g/friends daughters became her 'sisters'. Now these people are gone from her life. She lost her 'other mommy' and her twin 'sisters'.

This little girl was previously given some preferential status and now has to share her father. And if her mother has no one in her life and SD and her brother are the pivot of her world SD WILL resent you and your children. Why shouldn't she? You came in and broke something that was fine in her eyes.

Sitting down with her and pointing out her bad behaviour from an adults perspective is a waste of time. She is a little girl and your adult interpretation is alien to her. The ONLY person to talk to her is her father and he has to put it in terms she will understand and cannot blame you. "Mary, I love you more than anything. However people move on with their lives and I am now married to Lisaj. And as you get older you won't need me so much and be able to do things for yourself. But Lisaj will still be in my life and she and I will grow old together. When you are mean about her or her children without reason means you are being mean to me because I chose to let them into my life. I know you feel left out but what about when you are with your friends or your mother? I miss you but I don't make other people miserable because of it. Now if *son* is actually doing something against the house rules or hurting you then come and tell me and I will deal with it. I do not want to hear how he looked at you funny and made you sad. That is being silly. When I see an improvement in you we can certainly spend special time together but it will not be for hours and hours. You also have to share me with *brother* and *halfbaby* not to mention Lisaj just like I have to share you with mommy and as you get older, your friends."

And yes, he needs to make time for all his children. Even in intact families this happens. My ex would take one of our children to the supermarket or to work with him. Everyone should get a turn being special.

lisaj5's picture

Submitted by lisaj5 on Thu, 05/02/2013 - 8:26am

Thank you for your response, I know its very hard on all the kids, just very concerting that my SD is the only one who still cant adjust. I know its hard its been 3 years this September since mom and dad been divorced. I like your advice its very helpful. I did talk to husband about what I see and it was very touchy but in the end I think we are going to spend more family time together when she demands time with dad, we are hoping she will see that she can have dad and yet its not so bad having family together and can enjoy the family as a whole. do you think this will work? we haven't tried it yet.
I knew that being a SM wouldn't be easy but I didn't know that it would be so hard. I love all kids Step Kids and Bio kids all the same and treat them equally.