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It seems SO obvious, yet they don't see it?

lilsadone's picture

Guilty dad or disney dad? It all boils down to a man who lets his child decide when they will and will not allow themselves to be parented.

Will you clean your room? Will you wash the dishes? Will you be studying this weekend?
Any teenager that doesn't have structure will answer this with "ok" but in their mind they are saying "No, I won't be cleaning my room, washing dishes or studying. Why not? Because you gave me a choice and I choose to have fun and do whatever I want all day and night. Because I'm a CHILD and I don't understand what "future" means. Then at the last minute I will scramble and do all of it half ass... IF I do ANY of it at all"

Then they won't study and come home the next weekend with bad grades then whine to you about how mean their teacher is, or how their teacher just doesn't like them.

Asking your childs permission to do what should be an everyday expectation is asking them to walk all over you without thinking twice.

Instead of asking "will you clean up your dishes in the kitchen" say "Clean up your mess in the kitchen." Then it's no longer a choice. It SEEMS SO OBVIOUS and I don't even have kids!!

And whats with all this allowance for doing basic chores bull crap? $25 for half ass emptying a dishwasher??!?!!??

Allowance in my opinion should be given for going above and beyond your basic stuff. Every kid should have chores and help out around the house WITHOUT EXPECTING TO GET PAID. It teaches them responsibility and they're more thoughtful and god forbid they learn how to do something and clean up after themselves. How about an allowance for bringing home some better than bottom of the barrel grades?

Why do these dads feel bad for ANY type of structure or discipline - then WE the spouses have to deal with their bad attitudes because they're upset that they now have to deal with last minute homework, or tutoring last minute on Sunday night so darling kiddo doesn't completely flunk out of their class, or last minute expenses for school, etc. etc. etc.

If these DADS would just get a back bone with their kids and say "Do your homework before you get to do x, y, z." Or Study before X,y,z" or "I expect your chores to be done before you even THINK about asking me to take you to the mall, or for a friend to come over" etc then they would have a much happier weekend or visitation in general.. and a much happier household.

Seriously it's so simple. Set your expectations, make them follow through with what you expect from them - make the rules clear --- and DON'T GIVE IN to their wants (because your kid doesn't NEED to go to the mall and put on lipstick and eyeliner all day). Stop rewarding these kids for bad behavior.

WHEW I FEEL BETTER NOW.

This rant was brought on by me walking into a messy kitchen this morning (not terrible but messy enough) - and when I asked him why he was leaving for work so early he says "Oh BD14 wants me to pick up her friend and take them over to the mall on my way to work" - so I asked him "Ok, can you have her clean up the mess she left in the kitchen before she leaves this morning" - then he gets all angry face and says "I asked her to do it last night" - as he slams the bedroom door. Then shortly after I hear her rushing to half ass clean the kitchen -(or maybe he did it) then they leave the house. So he ASKED her to do something and she obviously chose not to do it - and now you're rewarding her for her behavior and total disrespect by taking her AND her friend to the mall. On the day, I might add that she SAID she would be using to STUDY... AND AS I write this they have now come back from the mall - but she has her friends with her-- the house is filled with giggling by her and her friends (who I guess decided they can come over?!?!!? with whose permission,I have no idea - AND I WORK FROM HOME so to me that is totally disrespectful. Wasn't she supposed to be studying? Wasn't I supposed to get a heads up when she was bringing people to the house (that's what he agreed to do) especially during MY WORK hours. As she was BANGING down the front door to be let in, I had to politely end a conference call because I guess she can't even be bothered to bring her key?

UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Thanks for letting me vent!

- BTW, I'm a live-in girlfriend (a little over a year now) of a divorced dad (he has a BD 14) and I've been following these boards (just not commenting) for almost the whole year, hehe

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

***Standing and applauding***

This is my life too. Smile

All of what you said rings true for me. I've been in each of those situations.

Jsmom's picture

I work from home as well and we have rules in place for it. One thing is they are not to be here, if I ask not to. If I have a Conference call, I will actually make sure they are not in the house. Doesn't always work, so I demand for them to be gone...

I would be confronting her about having to get off the phone to let her in. I would also find out about who said they could come over. I am sorry, but I work here and there has to be some rules in place. You live there and have a right to have them show you some respect. Stand up for your self....

lilsadone's picture

Exactly. We have the same agreement. Part of that is giving me the heads up when she's going to be coming over.. especially if she's bringing a parade with her. He usually will ASK if I'm ok with it.. so I know she didn't call and ask him before they came here. I don't really say much to her in the way of disciple (I suggest to him what I think needs to happen, and let it be his final decision - and he can communicate it to her - that way it NEVER looks like his girlfriend is ruining her life). The reason for that is up to this point I have had NO communication with his ex. Not a single phone call, run in, meet at door, "my mom said" - NOTHING. And I'd like to keep it that way, until _I_ am sure _I_ am in this for the long haul. I know his daughter is the type to go blabbing to mommy the minute I were to set rules directly -- "Hey, your friends need to leave, it's a work day for me and you didn't ask permission" - and I don't even want to deal with that. I am also living with him in his and his ex's house -- so I know a child sees it as "his girlfriend is bossing me around and this isn't even her house" and though that's stupid and she's a child - I do have that feeling of.. if I want to be in this long term, we will need to move to neutral territory and then MY rules will come into play because though I may not be a wife, I still matter very much and also need to be happy.

Anon2009's picture

I think some of it is that they have no control over what goes on at BMs, and BM won't back them up in enforcing good grades, being polite to others, etc. That doesn't justify Dad's sitting by and doing nothing to parent the kids. Not at all. But I think that's part of a guilty Dad's thought process.

lilsadone's picture

Seriously! I told him when I first arrived and started noticing the complete lack of consideration for others that he was about to be on a journey of not only teaching his kid the right behavior, but also teaching his EX the right behavior. Because if the EX procrastinates, can't plan, doesn't discipline, etc.. then that's what the kid thinks is the norm because she spends more time there.. unless of course you set some rules and let them know what those rules are and the consequences for breaking them

lady_of_the_house's picture

LOVE IT, and totally agree!!! Mine does the exact same thing with SD9 (everything is a negotiation - when are you going to clean your room honey, when are you going to do your homework, when are you going to do the extra problems that your tutor that I just paid $500 for assigned), and I keep trying to warn him that if he doesn't knock it off and start teaching her some responsibility she will be a complete monster by the time she's a teenager. She will be a complete monster anyway, as all teenage girls are, but hopefully we can reduce the effects of out of control hormones by instilling good habits NOW rather than trying to cage the beast later after it's already spewing fire at us! These guys definitely aren't doing their little girls any favors by allowing them to grow up thinking that the entire world revolves around them!!!