Ha!  When they throw out the  deflection/"So you are saying....etc...." my immediate answer is "At any time did you hear those words leave my lips?  No. Never did those words enter my mind and I did not say that. Listen to exactly what I said. That is exactly what I meant. Do not try to put words in my mouth.".  DW hated that early in our marriage. 

On the above examples, my response to each would be along the lines of "If that is what I thought, I would not have said what I said. I would have confronted that crap pronto. So, never think that you have any idea regarding what I am thinking other than exactly what I say.  Don't think, Listen."

I follow the  "Tell then what you are going to tell them. Tell them. Then tell them what you told them." model when the BP starts this butt hurt deflection stuff.  IMHO, never tolerate the "So you said/think/etc....." crap when discussing Skid and breeder X mate stuff.

Skid centric gaslighting is apparently often one of the biggest issues that many SParents have to deal with regarding a failed prior family breeder mate.

Because say they were the bio parents together hypothetically speaking, these things would be normal and expected.  Mom and dad wouldn't want the kids messing up the clean kitchen after 9 pm.  Mom and dad would want the kids to clean up after themselves.  Mom and dad would want the schedules.   

In my case the "Disney leniency" only applied to HIS kids and he was fine with my kids... Doing housework, going to bed at bedtime, not bringing snacks to their room etc. But for his own kids those SAME rules didn't apply

In fact one time my husband was sitting with both my daughter and his daughter (same age) and I said, ok bedtime! And he was so mad because he didn't want his daughter to have to go to bed yet. But it was the same time my daughter always had been going to bed and that was always fine.

In our house I always kept having to tell him the rules for both sets of kids had to be the same . Thing is at his kids moms house there weren't any rules so he didn't want it to be unfair for them to have rules here. I told him if that's the case then basically it means that bio mom is parenting my own children and parenting at my own house and I said no. I'm in charge here not bio mom lol

At my exs house he had similar rules as mine. So that made things a lot easier I'm sure 

God forbid kids be given boundaries or rules and have to follow them. 

Thing is kids needs boundaries in life and not for things to just be a big free for all. 

Why? IMO, bcause the minute you say something they deem as negative, they consider it to be an attack against them and their parenting (or lack thereof). *unknw*

because divorce skews those family lines we take for granted before it happens. divorce then remarriage gives a us vs them mentality and as parents we automatically don't want thing to appear or be uneven.

I think it's more a generational thing. parents expect less from their kiddos now, parents make excuses so that skippy and skippette jr aren't ever unhappy and parents shift blame so that their little precious is "protected" and after a divorce and remarraige it becomes magnified. For a parent who is getting less time than they would as a full time in home situation, it's a feeling of not wanting to spend what little time they have w/ their kiddos being angry or having them mad or punished. And they are also in competition w/ the other parents (the exes) home(s) and want to get that win. 

Then add in possible other children in home, angry exes, and potential alienation and you have a full pot of anger/coddling/disney home.

In a person.  Your ex was so looking for his kids affection, he let them do anything they wanted.  He basically was a bad parent.  Hope he's happy being there playmate now.  He's not ready. May never be or was ready for an adult relationship 

You nailed it. It's insecurity and guilt. If someone bumps into your arm, it probably won't hurt. But if you have a bad sunburn, that bump will make you shout. For these parents, their kids are that sore spot.

DH is usually critical and relatively clear-headed about SS13 -- until someone else slights him, criticizes him or punishes him. Then it's knee-jerk "how dare they!!?!" Eventually, he calms down and is more rational, but there's always that initial defensiveness. Aggravating!

The script:

Clove SP: "Can powersulk maybe perhaps clean her dishes/room/whatever?"

Disney/Guilty Daddy Cakes: "you just always have to pick on my kid dont you? You just hate my kid!!!"

****

Clove SP: "Powersulk is having a bit of a snotty attitude"

Disney/Guilty Daddy Cakes: "well its just with you, not me, what did YOU do to piss her off?"

****

Clove SP: "Can powersulk maybe eat earlier, and not at 11?"

Disney/Guilty Daddy Cakes: "well she has to eat sometime, do you want her to starve?"

My DH clearly relates his coddling (he wouldn't call it that in a million years) directly to his experience with his step-dad which wasn't always good.

I've made it clear I'm NOT his step-dad, this is an entirely different family in a different century to no avail. I was out and he gets to handle it all after it was clear he woudn't change. He's got two weird kids as a result of he and his ex's "parenting" style.

This blog post should have come with a trigger warning. LOL. My god, those were the days (when I thought about divorcing him every time I heard that BS). Those words cut deep when my/our intentions are/were genuine and good. The irony is that my DH's words were like self-fulfilling prophecies: Yea, dude, guess what? I DID end up hating your kids . . . I didn't used to. I kept giving them chances . . . but everyone worked hard to get me here! And here I am Keep the little sh**** away from me! Thanks. 

I remember feeling so guilty when my SO said the dreaded words "I'm starting to think you have a problem with SS(then)9." He said it so accusingly, like the problem with me having a problem was that I was a selfish, kid-hating b!tch who was making trouble for no reason.

I said, in a halting and shaky voice, "Um, well yes, there have been a few problems with SS9. Yesterday he hit and kicked me when i wouldn't give him a second ice cream cone. Last week he choked my 3-year-old nephew until he passed out in a pool of vomit. I mean, i don't have a problem with HIM, heavens no! But, there have been a few problems with his behaviors."

I felt so guilty saying that. Like a total failure as a stepgirlfriend. Then i found this site.