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Step-Parenting with a Disneyland Spouse

Lillywy00's picture

I got into a heated debate with one of my relatives (mind you her 2 stepkids hated her because she was VERY strict and ended up leaving to live full time with their bio mom so she only had to stepparent for less than a couple of years) who said "once you marry your spouse you HAVE to be highly involved with skids and help your spouse as they request" 

Now maybe I'm misunderstanding or maybe she's gaslighting tf out of me because she has a needle-in-the-haystack type husband (provider, marriage & family oriented, loyal) but ..... I don't think marriage should be a reason to blindly agree to every request to be involved with skids. 

My view is people should address upfront what level of involvement they desire to support the skids. 

Taking care of kids is VERY demanding in multiple ways. And it should be optional (as long as not neglecting nor abusing skids) the level of involvement a step parent wants to play according to level of resources they can provide to skids not spouse being a Disney Dictator w. Stepford wife blindly agreeing to everything. 


Rags's picture

My stance on the role and position of SParent is.... the breeder mate and their spawn can do what they are told when they are told to do it.

Failed family progeny do not get to stipulate that their time is only spent with daddy or mommy.  If the SParent's mate is of that mind, then that mate and their shit spawn need to be gone.

The breeder mate's failed family former breeding partner gets absolutely zero say about shit for anything in the SParent's marriage, how kids are parented in the SParents home, or what the breeder partner, the SParent, and the Skids do as a family in the SParent's home.


My SS never asked for only mom time.  We were/are a family.  It likely never entered his mind.   Certainly he had plenty of 1:1 time with his mom and with me.  Life makes those things happen.  Mom in night school or on business trips, dad on road warrior project travel, etc, etc, etc.  Though that 1:1 time was never a designed thing or something he ever asked for.

If the SParent chooses otherwise, so be it.

Demands made by a Skid or a prior failed family breeder X are pretty much a universal NO! from my perspective.


Go back, think it over, and ask nicely, and you will get a more pleasant no.  But, likely the response will still be no with a required action the requester has to do regardless.


Though there may be a rare granting of a reasonable respectfully submitted request.

Or not.

No one should tolarate toxicity or disrespect in their relationships, lives, or family. Most definately those should never be tolerated in a blended family. 

While a SParent should ensure basic care, feeding, and safety of a SKid in their presence.  Beyond that, SParent envolvement is earned with compliance with behavioral and performance standards stipulated by the SParent and entirely at the SParent's discretion.

AgedOut's picture

I think I was lucky, (think not know), I was a parent of a child w/ a step parent long before I becamse a step parent myself. I was friendly but not cloying, and I took my cue from the dad & kid relationship. We had some hiccups, mostly because mom was in skiddos ear and not thrilled that dad was (ure quote) "parading women in and out the door" I suppose our door was broken because after over 20 years I'm still a parade of one. 

A few things changed. Dad doesn't cook so they ate out every time he had him, 2 or 3 meals a day. I put an end to that. I also put an end to not saying "no" when it was something Dad wanted to do and skiddo didn't want to. But really, I think I helped Dad see a different side to solo parenting.  And they both helped me let go of the proverbial reins. 

Harry's picture

She was over strict to drive SK back to bio mother. Easier then saying " I don't like SK ".   She actually is very strict as  :you must toe the line{.   Bet ...she just didn't  want SK around ...interfering with her gappy life.  She feels she didn't give birth  she is not going to be control by SK

Lillywy00's picture


She know good and d@mn well what time it was and probably just saying whatever sounded good in front of her husband thus completely gaslighting me (hell him too) 

Her husband also took her off her job. LOT easier dealing with kids and skids when you don't also have a demanding 9-5 and when you are so strict they opt-out of visitation 

Tigerlily7's picture

I think it all depends on the dynamics of the family though also... like how old was the stepkid or kids when the Step parent came around? is the birth parents both upstanding/stand up parents or are they no better than the s**t you dig out from underneath your shoe? Sometimes Stepparents have no other choice but to step in and step up for the kids because nobody else will.. 

My kids was 1, 2 and 4 when I came in the picture... there was 2 different mothers involved, one he was married to but just recently divorced from... she jumped ship completely and abandoned her child. the other one is still very much a pain in my a** she only kept stringing the kids along in the time that she did for the welfare money. 

I am a disciplinary and old fashioned my husband is laid back and would rather not deal with them/it at all, but also man enough to say it. and when I say old fashioned and disciplinary i don't mean i beat my children or abuse them 

I mean... its lights off at 830, no electronics etc... you listen to and respect your elders.. i believe in a firm hand to their hind quarters when they are agressive or screaming and lashing out... You walk a line and have some manners when your at familys and loved ones... yes mam no sir... and keep those elbows off the table and sit like a lady kind of mom.. 

but i also follow it all up with lots of I love you's hugs and butterfly cheek kisses and always tell them goodnight and tuck them in with love... i made a vow to protect them at all costs because they didnt have that until i came along...

again it all is about the families dynamics... if my situation was different and i came in their lives and the parents were wonderful a+ on the ball parents... got things done for their kids and didn't need help being a parent then I should have done the right thing and stood in background and let mom and dad both handle their children... i could have just enjoyed being a stepmother and living my best life, stayed in my own lane.. But thats not so... here i am raising 4 children 3 i didn't give birth too and now that I see they needed me as much as i needed them... 

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Rags's picture

A beautiful example and how it should be when there is a toxic element in the blended family opposition.  A BP and an SP partrnering in a marriage and raising kids together as equity life partners and equity parents to any kids in their marriage regardless of kid biology.

Though mine is far simpler than yours with only one Skid in the mix, my own journey began when SS-31 was 1yo (15mos old when his mom and I met and started dating).  We married the week before he turned 2yo.

As you so elegantly said, he needed me as much as I needed him.  We both need his mom who is the heart of ... us.

I had the honor and affirmation of him asking me to adopt him when he was 22yo.  We had discussed it when we were all living under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO.  He told me then that papers would not change the fact that he's my son and I'm his dad.  He also shared that it would hurt too many people.  He was about 12 when he showed me 

Once the CO was history and they completed their transition to irrelevance in his life with their guilt trips about him repaying the CS that had been COd for them to pay for 17years of his childhood, not long after his mom and I renewed out vows on our 20th anniversary and his mom gave her dad adoption papers, SS asked me to adopt him.

DW had the adoption papers presented to her dad after he walked her down the isle at our renewal.  My FIL and MIL married when DW was 2mos old.  MIL's first husband was killed in a vehicle accident a few days before she found out she was pregnant with DW.  Her FIL was her daddy from the day she was born.   DW was FILs person. Even MIL recognizes that.  The connection DW and FIL had was beyond any connection FIL had even with his 3 BKs or even with MIL.  DW is the eldest of 4 for FIL and MIL.

A SParent can be the most influential and highest quality parent a SKid has in their life.  I think that is particularly true when a Skid is the product of a failed marriage/relationship between their BPs and one or both of those BPs are incapable of being actual parents to that COD SKid because their BPs are a Disney or PASing parent... or both.

I won the parent lotter, I won the wife lottery the second time I played, and I definately won the kid lottery. My son is a wonderful man, a viable self supporting adult, and a man of character, honor, standing in his profession, and standing in his community.

I'm a proud dad.


Thank you for sharing your inspiring example.

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