Clingy Whiny Never Satisfied Disney Dad
Just as I was about to reward him for being peaceful and respectful.....
He got mad when he walked in and heard me making plans to attend a event with my friends.
To be honest he asked about us going together but I figured we be broken up by then, I was tired of hearing him talking about how he paying for his degenerate ex wife's car/extra child support/etc (so I feel guilty if I expect him to pay on dates and wonder if he can afford it so I try not to go out with him too often because of this), and I wanted to have freedom to hang with my friends every couple of months.
And then he started back in the nagging cycle of "you never spend enough time with me" "you don't have enough sex with me" "I'm tired of being out on the back burner"
As much as I complain here I actually do those things at least once a week when he's acting normal and sometimes when he's whiny nagging just to get him off my back
But I find it disrespectful to say to someone you're not sexing enough especially considering he bring so much extra work, drama, struggle to my life.
Like if you want me to do more for you then what more are you going to do for me?
Anyways the same exact nagging circular argument every week like clockwork.
I have constantly told him, while he's not the type of guy I'd typically date (I prefer men who have the means and can lovingly provide) I was thankful when he did his best with what he had and never demanded more considering jis
current situation.
Yet he demands more and more out of me and is rarely appreciative anymore.
Somehow we came to the (this time mutual) conclusion again to separate and he put a timeframe of 1 month.
I honestly think him realizing I was ready to leave him is activating his narcissistic tendencies (be fake nice so he could end it so his fragile ego remains intact). Wtf ever! Idgaf who ends it.
Ironically he said i could stay (probably some trick to keep tabs or whatever) which would be easier for me financially but I want a better environment and new start.
I just hope he doesn't act like the bitch I've seen him to be these next few days and some windfall of money lands in my lap
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I may have a long road ahead
I may have a long road ahead of me financially but I'll be glad to have my own bed, my freedom, my peace, my weekends (no skids), no bitch beck and call service, etc.
Lol @ him thinking he's going to find some woman who wants to sit around sexing him up multiple times a week, pay his bills, help him provide, subsidize his child support, be 5th place behind his conniving exwife and clingy demanding minispouse, look past his flabby stomach and balding spots, his constant nagging/whining/complaining, and more sh*t that most women with self respect don't want to do.
So relived that sex is off
So relived that sex is off the table. Thank goodness.
I just hope he isn't bringing these kids over here whenever and he acts like a decent person until we get out separate spaces.
In all honesty
You hate him and you want to leave him but you keep giving him crumbs once a week waiting for your exit door to fall from the skies. Award him?! Gross.
I can't even imagine having sex or fake marriage to someone I can't stand. I walked out of my previous marriage with a child, a bag of clothes and debts up to my throat. I survived and financially now I am even doing a lot better than during my 15+ marriage. Yes, it gets worse and then you make it better. That's how it works.
Stop focusing on his actions or lack of actions, focus on walking to that sunset and starting clean.
You're right.
You're right.
It's moreso that I hate his behaviors.
Maybe I am mad at myself for even progressing this far with him, knowing deep down I would never be satisfied especially if he made it difficult (like he is now - demanding more sex, demanding free household labor, demanding free childcare, complaining about money, etc) for me to tolerate being with him
I think he just guilted/pushed me so much on the sex issue (disguised as "quality time") that it warped my mind a little.
After 2 weeks ago when he acted what I felt was or right near or on the edge of coercive I really did not want to be with him intimately at all
I guess it was meant to happen this way cause I am beyond relieved I don't have any more pressure to deal with obnoxious skids/accept cheap antics/be an underpaid stepford "wife"/have relations with him anymore.
I faked all of it to have an easier time advancing economically and had a major case of cognitive dissonance.
I was quietly resenting him for not fully being what I needed in a partner and convincing myself that settling with him wasn't that bad.
His cyclic nagging was reminder .... that I was settling, deluding myself, living inauthentically, and more.
How did you clear your debts
How did you clear your debts and financial stress after you left ?
I wish there was an answer to it
And I wish there was a magic wand. For many nights I would just curl up on the floor of my cold and terrible renting aparment and cry myself into sleep trying to figure out how to deal with the (mutual) debt that my ex left me dealing with since it was under my name. After I left he showed his real face and kept on pushing and pushing me against the wall trying to financially exhaust me hoping I'd cave in and just go back to him.
We are meant to fight to survive. And so I fought. I filed and started clean, studied, got a better job and now myself and my child are doing so much better. If I've stayed and waited I would've never made my exit.
When you feed this POS crumbs, he also feeds you crumbs and your exit is simply postponed to forever. It should be like ripping off the band aid. It's painful but it has to be done fast. Otherwise it might take forever or often never.
I've read that you are moving boxes, clearing closets and etc - going all the right direction. Then I read you say you wanted to reward him and I was like "holy cow". For what and why? "Are we leaving, are we staying?"(A funny line from a favorite movie. Make up your mind). You are too much focused on his actions or non actions, and that won't help you exit. End this marriage and crap now. How would 30 days make a magical difference for you? Are you going to be richer in a month? More stable? I doubt. It's just time for him to show power and control and also be the one to make the rules and the calls. To make you feel like crap. Once again.
Just tell him you're done.
Just tell him you're done. The relationship is done and you'll be out at the end of the month. Why even dance around it? Just be done. Let him know so that there's no false hope and if push comes to shove stay elsewhere. Sublet a room for a month IDK but I wouldn't be in that house a second longer than I had to be. When I divorced my ex husband I said I was done and was gone by the end of the week. Debt? Yup. Felt rushed? Yup. But I was free of his shit and couldn't be happier.
"I want a divorce. I'm not happy. Haven't been for a while." Don't even bother getting into the reasons (which he will want to discuss) because it's pointless. When you're done- the reasons don't even matter because it's so beyond repair. If he even has to ask- that says it all. Just be done.
My family thought I was the coldest bitch but honestly- what's worse? Playing head games or just having a clean cut.
Hey, Lilly,
Hey, Lilly,
I’m listening to Aretha Franklin belting out, ‘United Together', and felt compelled to shoot out a message to you. After two disastrous marriages (first to the psychopath as a pregnant 17-year-old, second to a retro European bully 8 years later), I met the man of my dreams. At the risk of TMI, this sensitive, gorgeous guy was responsible for my sexual awakening. As I’ve occasionally written on StepTalk, he could kiss for Canada if kissing were to become an Olympic sport.
We’re each 78-years-old. Yesterday, while he was zipping up my dress and I backed up to his firm, flat stomach (oooooh, oooooh, oooooh), the zipping up became zipping down and we hustled off to the bedroom. Sorry, again, to all of those who would prefer not to hear such particulars. I blame Aretha!
My uxorious husband spends much of his time trying to make me happy. Going into detail would make people think that I was exaggerating; suffice to say that I’m spoiled, beyond reason.
Hon, living with a man who demands more than is reasonable and loves you too little is no way to live. You deserve more and I’m so glad that you’re moving on from your mistake. You’ve described yourself as ‘arm candy’ and your honesty delights me. I was also a fine-looking woman in my day; dieted, exercised relentlessly, took care to dress well and look my best. Why should you waste yourself on a man who lacks appreciation of the prize that he has? NOPE!
You’re on the right track, Lilly, and as you must have noted, we’re all here for you!
I love it!! And I love you and your DH.
You sound like the example I grew up with, set by my mom and dad. And you sound like my bride and I.
Thank you so much for sharing your amazing marriage with us.
Back atcha', Rags! ♥️
Back atcha', Rags! ♥️
Thank you all. I enjoy
Thank you all. I enjoy reading about everyone's experiences because it's motivating and insightful.
If you all can do it. Then I can do it!
I'm going to eventually get this right.
I am realizing he's doing what seems like a narcissistic hoovering tactic just mere hours/next day after criticizing me the the brink of "peace out dude you can argue with/criticize/nag yourself!"
I signed up for therapy today (and plan to go regularly) because I might need more help to leave this. Just when I thought "wow, he's going to be 'mature' about this and we can mutually end it...he starts what I think is like a narcissistic hoover"
Anyways
When I'm not cramming for my certifications and taking steps to increase my income, I'm still prepping for my move out day by packing/downsizing/brainstorming places I want to live and imagining the peace and freedom I will have without his nagging and other nuisances.
You GOT this sister!
Lilly, I love your style & hurt for your situation. Here to say divorce is painful but SETS YOU FREE of the b.s.
... as my blogs testify.
Don't delay. For sure, do not engage in any physical intimacy.
Take care of you.
Does he know you're planning
Does he know you're planning to leave?
If he doesn't and you're throwing around all these expectations for him that he doesn't know now about... well.. seems like you're the problem. Not communicating with your partner about your basic needs/wants/etc. is a huge part of a relationship and if you've gone this entire relationship not clearly telling him what you need/want and expecting him to magically know things, signing up for therapy sounds like it was the right move.
Honestly, it's been so hard to even follow your story here because it seems like you're planning to leave, you haven't told him, and you're expecting him to magically become a better person while never talking about any of your issues with him. Half of the things you complain about sound like you're just complaining to complain. And some of the time it sounds like he just wants to be a part of your life, but you don't want him.
Someone else made a good point: why wait to leave? Do you think you'll magically be better finacially in 30 days? Doubtful. If you're already putting stuff in a storage unit then it sounds like you've got one foot out the door. Do you think he'll somehow be a better man in 30 days? Again, with your lack of communication, sounds doubtful. Everything reads like you're holding out hope this guy will turn around and be whatever it is you want him to be. Spoiler: He won't be because you've never given him any clearly defined expectations.
Not communicating with your
That is a good point because I've never been in a long-term relationship before so I've had to learn this. Especially how to state my boundaries.
I think I did communicate my needs in the begining but I belive he said what he thought I wanted to hear in order to convince me to live with him (so he could make his life easier) then try to convince me to lower my standards even further so he wouldn't have to make any effort to improve himself.
He does want to be more a part of my life however I find him to be too clingy/needy.
I also am disappointed he is more concerned with running his beck & call b*tch service, being Mr Mom, and staying in his mediocre salary comfort zone that he most likely will never be the man I need.
I suppose I have pulled back from him physically/refused to allow him to be more a part of my life because of this.
Trust yourself.
He sold you a bill of goods, you entered the relationship and living with him in good faith.
Stick to your plan.
Do not guilt yourself over his failure to deliver as your partner. You have delivered on being his partner.
Take care of you.