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Same Old Song & Dance

Lemin's picture

Haven't posted since November. Things have been quite good. Recently SO (common-law) and I have been toying with the idea of buying a house together...

Currently we are living in, what I consider an extravagant condo (two-level, 3 bedroom, essentially a 5 year old home with no basement) that his father bought during SO's divorce... My SO wanted to be on his own and out of Mom & Dad's while he went through his divorce settlement so he could bring the kids to a place all three of them could call home. The deal was Daddy buys the condo and SO buys it when he gets the money from his settlement... in the meantime SO pays for taxes, utilities, condo fees etc (please note this is certainly not any lifestyle I am personally accustomed to and this is a serious culture shock for me)... Last fall I move in and last year winter the divorce was finally settled and SO got his money... Daddy says, hey son don't worry about paying me back but instead you should invest the money and SO doesn't put up much of a fight, and does just that. Another year goes by and that brings us up to date...

While living here (although I still don't understand why we put $ into a place we don't technically own) we've redone the floors (all new hardwood), new closets, new railing, new drapes, and on and on... because SO is sure he will get a return on his investment (yes the same investment his dad technically owns).

No SO has gotten it in his head that we should sell the condo, buy a property in the area and renovate like mad or tear down and build up. I make a modest living, like Canadian average income. My SO makes more than double mine. I simply cannot compete on a pay grade scale with the man and for the most part as per our current arrangement I don't in terms of my household portion of the expenses, which I will admit is kind of super. It is allowing me to pay my debt down, while simultaneously saving up.

The problem with a house is that we can't agree on much in terms of investment and return. 1st their is Daddy's money to deal with... without it we can't afford what he wants... with it, and rightly so... Daddy wants to be on the deed to the house... so where does that leave me. SO can contribute a decent amount of his post divorce invested savings, but is terrified of the consequences should anything go badly between us. My beef, is of course being fiercely independent and being the sole supporter of my life, my education and being damned proud of that... it is a bitter pill to swallow living in FIL's house... secondly that these FIL's name on deed conversations are not between the three of us, but between Father & Son... so it is presumed I will not have a stake in this investment... not only that I don't have a sizable savings (in comparison) that I am able to contribute. I am on a completely unfair playing field with these people.

I have told SO, that until we hash out all these finer points and make me comfortable with moving forward on this... we need to agree on a few things. It seemed like we were reaching some good ground,with FIL putting in half and combined SO & I putting in the other half of the funds (him probably paying 75% and me 25% of our 50% portion)... because, I don't make as much and asking me to put in more is unfair...

The finer points of contention are... what happens in the worst case scenario we do this... break up in a few years... we've agreed we get our initial investments back... but can't agree on the profits... I don't know if this sounds unfair... but my time and energy is worth something and the amount of physical contributions I will offer to the joint household will be the same as SO's (cleaning, reno'ing etc) so if the property turns a profit after completion I feel I am entitled to my investment plus 50% of what SO and I make together after our initial investments are returned to us... because we are technically equal partners if we are contributing the same percent of salary and energy, even though my salary is less our % are the same. Fine... I think we actually almost agreed on this.

Then we discussed how we we handle the unfortunate situation of death. SO says Dad's investment should be returned (agreed)... but his investment plus his profit should be given to his kids... I disagreed intensely. I don't have children and assumed my portion would go to him as my SO... but was really distraught at the idea of his children getting a profit from something both him and I invested in together (besides his death meaning I might be homeless)... Now I am not saying if one of us dies in the next 2-5 years that his money should go to the skids, but I really don't think this way... if he is my partner in this, I would want him to have my house $. Kids money is different and not only does their MB make double what I make, but the grandparents have made sure the kids each have sizable investments for their futures. Am I wrong in this?

Lastly, we discussed his concerns about me leaving him in a few years... I want to have a child of my own and for 3.5 years I have received varying answers. I am at a stage in my life where I want to start planning towards this goal... although I am not quite ready yet... so I don't have a set date. He knows it is a deal-breaker and we have gone on for 3.5 years both knowing this. He is not sure, he doesn't think he wants more kids, then he was thinking about yes doing it a few days ago... the guy is just not concise. Neither of us want the relationship to end, and are currently happy with our situation and arrangement of his kids 50% of the time... so we have been in no major rush deciding (my timeline is like 1-2 years) to make a decision. Now that we are talking house he says, what if you leave me because I don't another child... BOOM whole new can of worms... which gets me thinking... why the hell are we talking house. If he wants it that bad, him and daddy can buy a house (which was also suggested to me)... but I am just shaking my head... back to square one we go... He says, I am not sure... but then mentions he is wanting to discuss a vasectomy with his doctor... but won't move ahead without my agreement because he knows its a deal breaker. My gut screams, this man knows what he wants but just doesn't have the balls to say it to my face b/c he doesn't want to lose me...

Comments

Great Mom but horrified Stepmom's picture

I"m not sure I understand what you are contributing financially to the household right now - do you pay half of the expenses that your SO is responsible for? Have you paid for half the reno's?

Just wanting to be clear before I comment.

Great Mom but horrified Stepmom's picture

I"m not sure I understand what you are contributing financially to the household right now - do you pay half of the expenses that your SO is responsible for? Have you paid for half the reno's?

Just wanting to be clear before I comment.

Great Mom but horrified Stepmom's picture

I"m not sure I understand what you are contributing financially to the household right now - do you pay half of the expenses that your SO is responsible for? Have you paid for half the reno's?

Just wanting to be clear before I comment.

Lemin's picture

For the current home, he pays the condo fees & taxes and I pay the utilities, cable, etc. Additional expenses are split evenly, with the exception of the food bills, he pays approximately 3/4 and I about 1/4.

If we "bought" a place together, I would be financially/physically responsible for half of the renos/rebuild.

Lemin's picture

He says he is just gathering information about the vasectomy and won't do anything about it because he knows how I feel, and I would leave him... however, the writing is on the wall... I do see that... if he didn't really want it... why source it out... because he does want it, not because he is gathering some sort of intel...

Bojangles's picture

If he hasn't come round to the idea of having a baby after 3.5 years and is now thinking about a vasectomy it is highly unlikely that he is ever going to want to have a baby with you. You are right that he doesn't have the honesty and courage to say it to your face, because he loves you, he likes the status quo and he hopes that you will give up on the idea if he waits long enough.

You're in a no-win situation on the baby front - if you give up on this that is a huge sacrifice and you would have a lifetime to repent at leisure having given up that dream. You could well end up bitterly resenting your SO for having denied you your own child, so that the relationship you gave up a baby for is destroyed by resentment. If you coax him into having a baby that he does not really want then at best you will end up with an unsupportive father who leaves all the work to you, and at worst the relationship is against under threat from resentment.

You're in a futile waiting game, and the longer you continue to wait the more financially embroiled you will become, and the less time you will end up with to find another partner and establish a new secure relationship in which to start a family. I don't say any of this lightly, but if a baby is deal breaker for you, then now is the time to break the deal.

All your property concerns are secondary to the key issue of whether you can give up on your dream of having your own child. But I would say that you would potentially be tying yourself into a very complicated situation. Here in the UK you can draw up a legal agreement specifying your respective contribution to and entitlement from any property you purchase, but it could still end up very complicated. If I were you I would be keeping my finances separate until I was clear about the future of the relationship.

Cocoa's picture

major financial decisions do shine a flashlight on the relationship, don't they? i think the above posters are spot-on.

Lemin's picture

@Bojangles - You are exactly correct all those other things are the secondary issues and we both knew that this was always the concern. I know I was hoping for some sort of change of heart or some sort of sorting myself together before I took the cold hard line of actually walking out the door. In October I promised myself I would give it one more year, just enjoy the relationship, and not have any expectations and live in the moment until the moment came. We said we would cross that bridge when we got their... maybe we are just there already and I can see it, but the reality is I don't want to throw away anything just as much as he doesn't.

@Cocoa - it's funny... I wasn't even thinking... oh hey yeah there is this other thing we still haven't resolved... I was blindsided when he brought up the baby issue, since it is usually me with that concern and not him.

Thank you all for the advice. I need a solid plan.

Bojangles's picture

I know how dreadfully heartbreakingly difficult it is to walk away from a relationship with someone you love because of one issue, when so much of the relationship works. It's so tempting to brush it to one side, to focus on all the other decisions because they don't involve facing up to the fact that your have irreconcilable differences long term.

But your profile says you're 32, realistically if you want children, and can't have them in this relationship, it could take 2 'or 3 years to get over SO, find a new relationship, and commit to the point where you are able to bring a baby into it. You could be 35 at that point and that's the age when the risks associated with pregnancy start to increase significantly. Do you really want to put this off for another year? Do you really believe there is a significant chance that things will change in that year? What concerned me about your post was that you spent 7 paragraphs talking about property and money and inheritance and household finances, then 1 paragraph as an aside about the issue of children, which to me made it clear that there is no way you should tie yourself financially to this man. He is subsidised by his father and thinking of any property purchase as an inheritance for his children. In the short term I would continue to maintain the status quo in terms of your contribution to your joint lifestyle. If you feel the need to invest in property consider doing it independently and buying somewhere to rent out. That way you get the investment and return without the emotional complications.

Lemin's picture

It is heartbreaking and for the most part things are pretty good between us. His family is supportive, his children adore me, his ex isn't a complete sub-human beast lady towards me anymore. We have great routines with the kids and balance everything pretty well... and I've been very clear, in no way do all these awesome pieces make up or can replace that I want to have at least one child of my own.

I'm not going to invest in the house. It doesn't make any sense really and I did put it to him that I would just work on getting my own property if it got to that point. I just don't think I want to wait long enough for that. October is only 6 months away, so either way it just is what it is. I love my little step family, and they are my family and that really hurts me. SS6 and I are home alone tonight and out of no where he says, when he is at mom's he is scare that I will just leave and of course when I inquire further the conversation goes silly, but still makes me feel like a piece of dirt.

nothinforya's picture

I would live in whatever house SO provided and keep my money separate, hold on to it until it's clear where the rest of the relationship is going. Why invest in something that is NOT a real partnership or security for yourself? Become a total cheapskate, don't buy ANYTHING for a house that is not yours. Don't allow yourself to be used.

simifan's picture

Honey,
Your thinking baby & he's thinking vasectomy. He knows it's a deal breaker which is why he is worried about you leaving. Don't waste any more time with him. Get a commitment for what you want or get gone.