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Not really a Step issue but DH issue

laurels4u's picture

Anyone else have a truly needy, clingy, attention seeking DH? Even when his son still lived with us, he was the exact same way. He's driving me nuts. I have a huge, important test tomorrow to pass my Masters in Ed. program and he's been putting me on a huge guilt trip about studying for it because God forbid, I'm not giving him every spare second of my attention.

I spoke with my brother for some manly advice on the issue and he told me he expects his GF to be at home when he's at home from work and to do things with him, talk to him, etc. so apparently it's a man thing? Yes or no?

Advice from anyone else whose DH does this?


Anonymous11's picture

and i'm the opposite. i didnt notice it until after we started living together. he was so used to me being home at a certain time after work and used to me spending all of my time with him on the weekends...the first time something threw off how much time we spent together it was crazy to see how he was having like withdrawals or something...we talked about it and now things are better. i think once they realize that it's not a personal thing/reason why you're not spending the extra time with them it's gets easier. the issue isnt totally solved because it's just his tendency. i have to say i have never/rarely dated anyone with this issue so i dont know about it being a man thing. it's just my man's thing!! he should understand it's not like you're out clubbing without him, you just need to study. sometimes too i notice with mine that he says those kinds of "oh you forgot about me, or you don't love me the same"
things just to get a lil chance is yours an only child? lol

laurels4u's picture

I get the same treatment from my DH when I try to make him understand or ask him to give me some time, and it's not even when I'm upset because I rarely get mad but this negative attention seeking behavior is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!

Last night, I was studying and asked him to please give me about 10 minutes to finish up. Well, it took a little longer to review my notes than I had thought and he had the audacity to tell me at 22 minutes that I had taken 11 minutes longer than I had said! And that I could study today when he wasn't at home. Ughhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sita Tara's picture

Hovered like that a little. If he was snoring (and boy did he with a deviated septum) I would go down and sleep on the couch for relief. He would wake up and come down and stare sadly at me, then settle onto the too small of loveseat to "be near" me, fall asleep and start SNORING AGAIN.

My DH would not do such a thing (unless I said I was coming up then fell asleep on the couch which I do now and then. Then he might come down and try to wake me to come to bed.) He also has no problem giving me "me time."

I don't know how you guys deal with that. If I had a clingy H I would go nuts. I mean, we are very affectionate and hold hands all the time, kiss, etc (the kids HATE it) but when I say, "I need some space," Or when he acts unusually irritable, we both back off from each other. Spending eternity with someone doesn't have to mean they're attached to you at the hip!

I would tell him it's a turn off. Maybe if you put it that way, that you don't feel like being intimate when they've clung to you all day, then they might back off. I don't know of any man who isn't motivated by the potential to get lucky Wink

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

laurels4u's picture

I've already gone to the couch because of the snoring thing and you would've thought I'd driven a steel spike through his heart. So, he brought me home some industrial strength earplugs which work rather ok with the ceiling fan, the sounds machine, and a few cocktails. I never was one to need such physical, close contact with any other human.

But, even after I take my Masters test tomorrow, according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I'm still not fully self-actualized. I have the urge and desire to get my doctorate of education degree which I can't even imagine attempting because my DH is so damn needy. He knows I want to do it and sulks saying he'll just take a cot to work and never come home for the next five to six years. Wah! Cry me a river! I guess I don't understand why I have to give up my goals or career aspirations because he's not feeling loved by his kid or his family.

Sita Tara's picture

I thought that having my BA would satisfy me. It didn't. I had married DH and was pregnant with Anna (she was born 10 days after graduation.) So, too busy to have a party celebrating my huge accomplishment. Then I realized that my degree felt just like a piece of paper that I worked on for five years and paid a lot of money for. I really want to go for my Masters in Religion now. My goal is to be able to teach at a University so my kids could be guaranteed an education. BUT....

Then I think of the professors I knew in the higher academics throughout my BA. I HATED a few of them. They were pompous, condescending to students and "lower" faculty...I think- THESE are the people I want to work with???? Hmmmm....

However, the small seminary I wish to attend is totally different. The faculty is amazing. Just wish I could move to Chicago and work THERE when I'm done!

Good luck on finishing up your Masters. I think you really need to meditate on Maslow for a little while. If I remember correctly (and it's been a very long time!) that self actualization stuff is pretty deep and can't come from external "wants" to fulfill ya. Bet your DH likes hearing about his "hierarchy" though!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

laurels4u's picture

As I finished typing my last post about wanting to get my doctorate, the kitchen light came crashing to the floor smashing into a million tiny maybe Maslow was trying to tell me that my safety needs, a house with secure fixtures, should come first. Smile
And you're right about's a need that never really is fulfilled.

Sita, good luck with your education. I know how important it must be for you as well.

smurfy1smile's picture

My ex was very demanding of my time and energy. He expected me to drop everything - no matter what it was - and tend to his every need when he was home. Fix him food, buy him beer or smokes, wash this, be intimate, etc. Our marriage lasted less than 10 monthes. My kids were never that needy even as infants.

My SO understands I need space and I understand he does too. He does like me to be home when he is since he works like 50 hours a week over 6 days. I do work 2 nights a week for extra cash for our new house but he is awake when I get home. He is a night owl. Sometimes I wish my SO was more touchy, feely but that's just not him. He was when we were dating and I tease him that he was like that to reel me in. If I let him know I need more attention, he will give it to me.

laurels4u's picture

Don't even get me started on the computer issue. DH has nothing better to do with his time so he sits on the computer playing solitaire, as if the laundry isn't piling up, the kitchen and BR need cleaned, the house needs painted, etc. but he perceives me "sitting" here studying as doing nothing so that's what he's going to do, too. And he actually calls me when he gets a really high score on a hand and expects me to close my books to go run and check it out. Unbelieveable.

GreenTeaTime's picture

Too funny. I think some of these men especally the remarried ones are afraid of loosing yet another woman, or they are trying harder in this marriage , so they hold on for dear life. My DH is also needy/ clingy, but I think it's kind of cute, and it usually doesnt bother me much. I think he is this way because his X B***H had a block of ice for a heart.. he had to beg for affection of any kind and what not. I usually don't mind, but I do have to pry myself away or nothing would ever get done around the house. (dishes, cleaning, laundry) But god forbid the house is out of order, he gets really antsy.. can't win. The only thing I think is odd is that he doesnt want much sex, only the weekends & about once a week, but he is all about cuddling and kisses & hugs & holding my hands all the time. This is the way he has always been, since day one.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:

bellacita's picture

before i moved here i told him, im used to being by myself w my doggie. im not used to living w someone, especially not kids. there will be times when i want to watch tv by myself or watch a girlie movie alone and u have to understand that has nothing to do w u. he understood. it hasnt worked out like this...we spend most of our time at home together, the exception being when he goes and plays video games or hangs out w his son, or when i was studying for my brokers license. even now when im working on the wine business, its usually in the living room while hes watching tv. while initially i might have thought hes clingy, especially after the ex-wife and how that all went down, it really boils down to the fact that we just love being together. really truly. we find what we feel is enough alone time too.
but its all in what u can take. making u feel guilty for studying or even just wanting to hang by yourself is not cool.
all i mean is he may just really truly love being w u all the time...!

daddywheelz's picture

Well, well. Too much attention. THAT is a shocker. You can all write back when he STOPS giving attention. Smile You have curly hair and want straight....straight hair and want curly.... does it ever end??? JK.

bellacita's picture

i kno wid be pissed if he didnt giv eme enough attention or didnt want to be w me so much!

Sita Tara's picture

For me it is about balance. Attention is wonderful and my DH doles it out lavishly. BUT he is also very confident in my love for him. So he doesn't take it personally if his snoring sends me to the couch at night.

BTW... on the hair comment? You really NAILED it. We are like that. And I just have to say it doesn't stop at hair. I am overly graced in the bust department, and throughout my life did my best to hide it. My friends were jealous of me, and me of their ability to go jogging, or buy cheap pretty bras.

It really doesn't ever end. The grass is always greener!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

bellacita's picture

sita tara w the big boobies! im just teasing...just funny..i am graced in that department as if was only combined w a tiny waist id be okay! we really ARE never satisfied.

frustrated like nobodies business's picture

i was already in a bra @ 9 years old while the other girls in school were stuffing away...and all i thought was "WHY MEEEEE?"...LOL..i wanted to jog too...hell i wanna jog now without getting knocked out! i want a pretty bra too, dammit!!