Am I being negative?
DH says I am always negative about things regarding his kids. Honestly that isn't in my head at all...I keep what I feel is negative inside as much as possible, although I do have a few friends I will vent to when needed.
What he sees as negative, I see as either being realistic or seeking additional information. For example, SS12 has been invited to go on a trip overseas with school in about 18 months. It was a selective thing, and yes I'm proud of him for meeting criteria for selection. But how much does it cost? How long is the trip? Who chaperones this trip? We are already sending him on a school trip in April that is over $1000 (we are paying the whole thing, BM pays for zero extras). I'm being negative.
Another example: SD 10 has a history of frequently changing from one activity to another (dance to soccer to cheer to gymnastics etc). She lacks persistence. DH wants to up her from one class/week in her current activity to two. Again, at our expense. Her current instructors have already commented on her lack of effort. But he wants to do it because it might lead to her getting scholarships and it's good exercise for her. My suggestion was to tell her that if she wants to add a second weekly class, she needs to excel at the class she currently is in, show effort, get good reports. I'm being negative.
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Information gathering is not
Information gathering is not in itself negative. So in regard to SS, asking for information is not in itself negative. I suppose it might depend on how you are asking, the tone, how the question is phrased, etc. if it's "oh jeez, how much is This trip going to cost?!" Yeah, that could be seen as negative. If you asked for the paperwork listing price, dates, accommodations and chaperone arrangements, probably not and DH is reading into it.
Same with SD. Depends on how you put it. I agree there should be no second class when she has no enthusiasm or effort for the first. That's pragmatic. You're looking to not waste money. Will DH always see you as negative when there is any murmur of possibly denying his children anything? Yep, probably.
I really don't think I was
I really don't think I was wording things in a snarky or negative way. I really do try to keep control of my tone and all when these types of discussions come up (maybe I'm failing there!). And I approach most things the same way, whether it's buying an appliance or choosing a cable company, making decisions about work...it's only a problem when it has to do with his kids. I like to have all the facts possible, I like to analyze the options and most likely outcomes, etc.
nope, you're just trying to
nope, you're just trying to not be an open wallet. i'd have a serious talk with dh regarding finances. if he's got that kind of money to burn, does your household benefit from some of that? does he have sufficient savings for retirement? sounds like you're a little resentful and i'm wondering if your household is suffering because of his money burn. if all his bases are covered and things are panning out on the home front, disengage with the warning that when those kids age out, they are not going to become permanent residents in your home. I would tell him he'd better be preparing them for the real world instead of coddling to their whims and desires because unless THEY can afford all the extras, they don't happen. and immediately separate your finances.
I wouldn't say we have money
I wouldn't say we have money to burn, but our household isn't suffering either. I just don't like to spend unwisely regardless of who it is spent on. I resent that we have to pay for ALL extras, but that's just how it is. Our finances are separate, that was agreed upon upfront by both of us.
I have tried to talk to him about preparing the kids for the real world where they have to be responsible, they can't have everything they want, etc...but again I'm being negative. I try to just stay out of it the majority of the time because my input about his kids is generally unwanted unless it's to say how wonderful it is that the report card was good or something along those lines.
Thank goodness both the kids
Thank goodness both the kids do well in school--I'd be so disappointed in DH if he rewarded failure with trips.
I, too, am told I'm negative
I, too, am told I'm negative about Puke unless it's how great she is or how she is a victim. Thus I say nothing about her or anything about her other than "hmmm". I let my H figure it out on his own with the understanding that if money is needed that he is responsible for finding it without having a impact on us.
Quick comment about
Quick comment about scholarships and gymnastics - not realistic unless DH plans to let SD go to gym 30+ hours and be schooled via internet. Those exclusive gym clubs costs thousands and thousands of dollars. If that's his reasoning with SD that is already slacking off, that's not "positive", it's foolish. Those girls suffer multiple injuries, sacrifice any social life and are driven beyond belief. (A better idea is to take the money for the extra class and put into a college fund.)
Yes, exercise is a great and hopefully she will find something that she enjoys. It is also a positive that she gets to be exposed to a variety of sports and activities.
Stepping off the soapbox, NO, you are not being negative. You are positively realistic and practical.
My DD got an invite for something as well, costs over 3 grand (not inclusive of travel) and DH'S response: Sounds great, she should do it. Now, this is his SD (bio dad is deceased). Me: that's a significant amount of money that needs to be considered before any decision is made. So often, women are the practical ones regardless of parentage.
I talked to him some about
I talked to him some about gymnastics requiring a huge amount of commitment (not to mention that she is on the older side to be starting out)...he claims he understands that. I honestly don't think he does. I have a friend who was a college gymnast and linked him to her blog where she talks about how hard she had to work and basically had no life, etc...also she writes about her career ending back injury. I have tried. He wants his kids to have access to DO things he didn't when he was growing up, and I do understand that...but you have to educate yourself about what you are getting into and decide if you have the ability to follow through with all that is required from a parenting standpoint.
Oh well. I will step back and observe. I don't think any of it will lead to anything...she doesn't have the drive.