And the crying starts again
So my husband and I have frequently had a problem with my step daughter (3 1/2) crying when she is at our house. She tells me all the time that she just wants to be at her mom's and she doesn't want to see us anymore. She rarely ever says things like that when her dad is around but I get to hear it all the time when he is at work. Well he picked her up about an hour ago and the first thing she did was sit down and start crying. Her dad asked her why she was crying and she said "I don't know". This is her usual response, she barely ever tells us why she is upset. When she tells us she doesn't know why she is crying she is asked to go calm down in her room and come down when she feels better (this was the advice of a children's aid worker I spoke with about the situation). My husband and I would often hear her talking in her room but couldn't make out what she was saying. He ended up taking a baby moniter and putting it in her room in hopes that we would hear why she is so upset when she is with us. We always hear the same thing, "I just want to go back to my moms. I don't want to see them (my husband and I) anymore". I asked her why she wants to just be at her mom's. She tells me it is because she gets to jump on the bed at her mom's, sleep in her mom's bed and not in her crib, gets a soother, eat candy and Mcdonals all the time, and cuddle with her mom and watch tv and movies all day. When she is with us she is not allowed to jump on the furniture, she sleeps in her own twin size bed (and has for over a year), she hasn't had a soother since she was a baby, she eats healthy home cooked meals that always include veggies, and she is allowed 1 hour of tv a day. I guess it's no wonder why she doesn't want to be with us. We have rules and structure and her mother lets her do whatever she wants whenever she wants.
More often than not when my husband drops his daughter off to her mother (at 7pm) her mom tells her that she is just in time for pie and ice cream, or tells her she is getting a donut or cookies or some other kind of junk food. She is just about to go to bed and her mom is giving her junk food. No wonder my step daughter is over weight. My daughter is the perfect weight for her height and age and she eats the same things my step daughter eats when she is with us. I just want to shake her mothers head tell her to stop giving her daughter everything she wants JUST so she doesn't want to be with us. She cares more about herself than her daughter and has made it apparent that she would do anything to keep her daughter from having a good relationship with her father and sister (our daughter). It is so frusterating that all I can do is sit back and watch her ruin her daughter.
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Im continuing to see
Im continuing to see similarities between all of our SD's of the same age. My SD just turned 4 and we deal with these same behaviors. I am so sick of the crying and the whining for BM. BM wants to say its separation anxiety, but I truly think its just not teaching you child to be independent. When you help them potty and dress them, and go everywhere with them, sleep in the same bed, and never make them do anything for themselves, thats what they expect.
We have a room and bed for SD, its a battle every time. She thinks she needs to eat mcdonalds in front of the tv for every meal. Thinks that she doesnt have to dress or potty alone.
She cries from the moment we pick her up, its ridiculous. She knows in 2 days shes going back to BM for 2 weeks. Its to the point where FDH scolds her if shes starting to cry, its happens most when shes told to get her pjs or clean up her plate, or if FDH needs to step outside (say to light the grill, she can see him through the door).
If shes going to continue to act like a baby, Im going to be the first to send her to her room to play. She cries more than my 9mo old. I know how you feel on this one. I think the answer is discipline at this point.. my SD knows if she cries to BM shell get whatever she wants/ or wont have to do what is asked. That doesnt fly with us for a second.
It is so frusterating. She
It is so frusterating. She has rules and responsibilities at our house and she does what she is told because she knows she has to, but she just cries all the time!!! Today anytime I talked to her she would look at her dad and start to cry. I am almost positive that her mother is saying nasty things about me to her daughter. When she was younger she loved me and would almost always run from her mom to come to me when we would pick her up, and now she tells me all the time that she doesn't love us and she only loves her mom. A 3 1/2 year old doesn't come up with that kind of stuff on their own especially when her father and I have remained consistent in how we raise her right from when she was 5 months old. I would love to have 5 minutes in her mothers head so I can understand how she lives with herself when she is intentionally damaging her daughter.
I know exactly how you all
I know exactly how you all feel. My 3 1/2 sd does it too. Her big one now is when its bed time or time for her to clean up after herself, or she's corrected for not sharing with her sisters. She'll give this look then throw herself on my husband and cry, asking for mommy or saying" i miss you when i go to mommy's" i tell her that i love her and she just gives me the look again and ignores me! I think her bm is putting stuff in her head.
I think even telling these
I think even telling these young kids "how much you missed them when their gone" (speaking about BM) and layin it on thick puts alot of stress on these kids.
These kids know what it feels like to "miss" someone or something. Its sad, upsetting, etc... so how can they not feel stressed when mommy says how much she missed them? They know the feeling, and think mommy is feeling like that. And daddy is to blame. Cuz to the child, if she didnt have to go to daddy's then mommy wouldnt miss her. (Sad, upset etc..)
I think this is well-said. I
I think this is well-said. I hadnt looked at it at this angle. SD says that BM is missing her (ha..), but FDHs has also explained that this is BMs time to take a break.
Its only gotten worse after BM and her bf finally let SD have a dog, then it was crying for the dog in addition to crying for BM..help!
I really like how you put
I really like how you put this. When she leaves our house to go back to her mom's we give hugs and kisses, tell her we love her and that we will see her soon. There is no talk of how much we are going to miss her and how we wish she didn't have to go, but that is all she hears from her mom everytime she comes to our house.
Yes, you can get the point
Yes, you can get the point across of missing them by saying your glad to see them. I always acted excited for my kids they were goin back to dad's. They left me knowing I was excited for their visit with him and excited for their return.
Now if they said " I missed you mom" of course I would say, I missed you too. But normally when they returned I would hug them and say " I'm so glad to see ya!"
And when they left I would hug them and say "see ya later." or, "see ya such n such day. Have fun. Be good."
By the way, that's not to say
By the way, that's not to say I wasn't missing them and Was NOT excited for them to visit the pos! Ha ha but that's another blog!!!! LOL
And I'm sorry I didn't really have advice, just insight