All of a sudden I am feeling bad for SD (pouring my heart out, it's kinda long)
Even though I have had a lot of difficulty loving her and feeling happy when she is around I have always known it is not her fault. I have also made sure to put on an act when she is here so she doesn't know how I feel about her. I just show her love and treat her like my own daughter. She is only 3.5 and really is just an innocent child stuck in the middle of a really cr*ppy situation.
I know that DH loves SD but I also know that he loves me and our daughter more than he will ever love her. He feels more like an uncle to her than a dad because he doesn't have a strong bond with her. It makes me sad for her because it is not her fault. It is the situation in which she was concieved and how her mother has treated DH since they broke up that has caused him to feel so distant from his daughter.
When SD was concieved DH didn't have feelings for his girlfriend and he didn't enjoy spending time with her. He was just with her so he could "get some" when he wanted it. When she told him she was pregnant he felt trapped, he stuck around because he thought it was the right thing to do, not because he wanted to. He loved SD when she was born and he felt happy to be a dad, but he was miserable whenever he was home because he would see BM sitting on the couch surrounded by dirty diapers and dishes every day when he came home from working hard. A few months after SD daughter was born they broke up and BM kept DH from SD for 3 months (during crucial bonding time) because she found out DH and I were together. Since DH and I have had visitation, BM has constantly made SD feel guilty about spending time with us. She makes little comments like "mommy missed you so much, I was so sad when you were gone" or "I am so glad you are back, I don't know what to do when you aren't with me" or "go ahead and have fun with daddy, I am just going to be sitting at home bored until you get back". These comments make SD really upset when she is with us. It is hard for us to have a fun visit with her because no matter what we do she is crying most of the time because "mommy is sad because I am not there".
When our daughter was concieved we were on our honeymoon and crazy in love. DH was so happy and supportive my entire pregnancy and the day DD was born was the best day of his life. He fell in love with her instantly and he even picked out her name (he hated SD's name but his ex girlfriend told him that she was the mom so she could pick whatever name she wanted and he didn't have a say). In the last 15months I have watched DH and DD form this amazing relationship and they have such an increadible bond. You can see how much they love eachother. I am currently 4.5 months pregnant with our second child and DH is constantly telling me how excited he is to meet our baby and watch them grow up like he has with DD. He can't help but tell me how happy he is and how much he loves me and our children. I guess it is only natural that he would feel more strongly for our children than he does for SD but it just makes me feel so sad for her.
I know that DH and I are doing everything we can to make her feel loved and equal to our daughter when she is here, but she is still so sad all the time. My heart just breaks for her. No matter how I feel about her existence, no child deserves to feel so tormented and every child deserves to have a happy family.
I think deep down I am kind of mad at DH for trusting his ex when she said she was on the pill instead of using his own protection. I know that she lied to him in order to get pregnant but I can't help but think that he should have been smart enough to protect himself. If he hadn't been so careless and BM so dishonest, this poor little girl wouldn't be going through what she is going through. It is so upsetting that so many people just carelessly and selfishly bring life into this world without thinking about how it will affect the innocent baby. SD wouldn't be going through any of this stress and sadness if her parents had been in love and commited to eachother before bringing her into this world. She is going to grow up without seeing both of her parents everyday, feeling guilty about spending time with her father, being bounced from house to house, a mother who is constantly bad mouthing her father, a father who wants to love her like a daughter but doesn't, and not getting to feel like she has one solid family unit.
I hope that she doesn't grow up resenting her siblings (our children) because they get the family that she never had. I guess all we can do is continue to make her feel as loved and included as possible when she is here and hope that soon she realises that her mothers happiness is not her responsibility.
Sorry about the lenght, I just had to get all of this emotion out before my daughter wakes up from her nap.
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Comments
I think your DH should step
I think your DH should step up to the plate and be a father to his child. Bonding schmonding.... How do you think men and women bond with adopted children? Especially those for other countries where the kids are about 18 mths when they are FINALLY adopted?
One of my most enduring memories is waiting at our local airport for my daughter to arrive from Australia. The plane before hers disembarked and this couple came up the hall with a little Asian girl in their arms. Their entire family and many friends were there to welcome this new addition to their world. Banners, signs, ballons, gifts. The parents were tired but smiling. The little girl (about 18 mths old) clung to her new parents like a limpet. She KNEW they would take care of her. I have no idea how long they had been with her but it must be less than a couple of weeks. But she KNEW where she was safe and protected.
Your DH should think about it this way. Yes, she is half her mother. But she is also half him as well. And by creating a world where she is not pressured or given the guilt trip will eventually be in your favour. And learn to appreciate the parts of her that remind you of her father. She is a blank slate that you can work with.
My ssons have some of their mother's charateristics, absolutely. But I choose to ignore them and concentrate on the characteristics that remind me of their father.
Yes it is sad she doesn't have a one family unit. But she has you and her father as the 2 most stable people in her world. That is something she doesn't 'get' with her mother. Why not make cookies that she can take back to her mother. A photo frame, a handprint. Give her something to bridge that bond between your home and her mothers. As she gets older the poor excuse for a mother may just let you have her full time because eventually this girl will push back from her mother's guilt trip.
Get your DH to take his daughter out for one on one time. Maybe it is just a trip to McDonalds. When he has to deal with her without you around he may bond with her more. See, he has always had another woman around... either her mother or you. He hasn't had time to bond with her alone. But if he is an awesome father to your child I bet he can do the same thing with his older child.
Remember, your child may one day need an organ form your SD. Depending on her relationship with you may be the difference between life and death. And at least she gets to SEE her father. So many men do not see their children. At least she has 3 adults who love her.
The cup is half full, not half empty.
I must not have been clear in
I must not have been clear in my post, DH is 100% a dad to SD. He treats her EXACTLY the same as DD and has never shown her that he doesn't feel the same way about her.
She may be half her mother and half her father, but she looks and acts 100% like her mother. She doesn't have a single feature similar to DH and believe me, I have tried to find one.
I hope you are right about us not pressuring her working out for us in the future. It is just so hard to see the positive right now through all of her sadness and tears.
I have tried to do things like that with her before, and she always comes back and says "mommy said the cat wrecked it, so she had to throw it out". I have stopped sending her back with stuff because she always comes back sad that it had to be thrown out.
DH does lots of things with SD without me around. Like I said, he is a great father to her and she has no idea how detached he feels. I just needed to let it all out on here because I didn't want to be feeling sad when my daugther woke up. I know that we are making the best of this situation and that we can only do so much I just feel bad that she doesn't have what my children are going to have.
Maybe you will be right and she will end up with us when she is older. Then she will have a real family where she can be who she is guilt free.
She is 3 but she is working
She is 3 but she is working out how her world works. She is sad because she is surrounded by sadness at her mothers. Kids are not stupid...
This is what my grand daughter (4.5yrs) said for what she is thankful for at the dinner table at my daughterstoday "I am thinkful for my Uncle Alex and his Germany friends in Afghanistan and I wnat them all to come back healthy and safe and not hurt." TOTALLY unprompted
She thinks the Army is Germany because that is where my son was based for a year. "Uncle Alex has to go back to Germany" She thinks Germany is a company where he works. His CBUs are his Germany clothes.
If she can come up with this at 4 I am sure your SD is working out that her life is calm and even at her Dads place. This is where she can relax. Maybe she is scared to express her sadness at her mothers place. I bet she misses her sister when she is there but cannot say anything.
Continue to give her as much kindness and patience as you can. Keep smiling. Deep down she probably knows she is able to express emotion at your place and not her mothers. I bet you are already doing this but maybe get some ongoing project going at your place that is kept at your place and she knows it won't be thrown out.
Personlly I would get my DH to call his ex and tell her if she doesn't stop being negative he will bury her in court. But that is just me...This is one lucky little girl to have a SM who cares so much.