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Starting to lose hope

klynn's picture

Wow, I'm new to this site, just found it today. I was looking for something, anything, to try to help me figure out my situation. BTW, I don't even know what all the acronyms are, so I won't be using them. Smile I live with my BF, my 18-year old son and my BF's 12 year old daughter and 9 year old son. My son lives with us 100% of the time and his kids live with us every other week. His ex is bi-polar and the 2nd time I ever saw her, we had to have her arrested at her daughter's softball tournament for physically attacking my BFand coming after me. In the process she grabbed her son's hot chocolate from his hand and threw it all over my BF, while also drenching her then 6-yr old son! Crazy! Well, I thought maybe I was in a situation that was different than others, however after reading a lot of posts here, I'm starting to realize that I'm in a very big boat and should not hope that it will ever change. I'm feeling quite worn out. I've had to deal with all her BS for almost 3 years now and I just don't think I can deal with it for another 10. She freaks out when I do things for her kids, then she freaks out when I am not doing "the mothering" things for her kids. This woman has no job and lives (on and off) with her BF, the one she cheated on my BF with while they were married. I didn't even know my BF when he was married to her, they have been divorced for over 6 years now. I just don't understand why someone is so evil. I will not even go outside if she is there picking up the kids. I am a very strong willed person and pride myself in that, however any time I have dealings with this woman, I start shaking (literally). She is so unpredictable. She has called me stupid things like "F-ing, ugly hairy face" (yes, really) and "4-eyes". I'm at a loss. I've given up trying to be a part of the kids lives, I don't go to any sporting events or programs because we have no idea what she will do. It's sad, I don't want to leave my BF because of his ex-wife and kids (they are a whole other story - spoiled and one has Asbergers), but I just don't know that I can do this anymore. Any suggestions anyone?

Comments

imagr8tma's picture

i just want to say welcome to the website. I really don't have advice on what to do. The only thing that has worked for me - is not to let BM (ex) to get to me. I tend to laugh her off now. Even when she is around looking and making dumb faces. It has become funny to me - i can not understand how we are the same age but she is so immature.

Please if you can - don't allow the stress to make you hate the children or your BF. I know it is extremely hard. You just got to laugh her foolish actions off if possible.

Talk with you BF about how you feel and what he could do to possibly help you feel better about the situation.

Good luck and welcome. There are some absolutely wonderful ladies on this website who give great advice. . . . . . . and then please ignore those who don't.

Wish you the best....

Torn's picture

Welcome! I'm in a situation similar to yours. I have been married to my DH(Darling Husband) for close to 5 years now. SD(Step Daughter) is 8.. BD(Bio-daughter) is 4 and my BS(Bio-son) is one. I thought I might help you with all of our acronyms along the way. The BM(Bio-Mother) in my situation is completely insane and unstable. The BM does some of the same things you have described yours to do except, when she is angry that I'm at a soccer game, or if she's angry about anything she attacks my DH. She knows better not to try to mess with me lol. Anyway, The only real advice I can give you is try to stay away from her as much as possible. If you do decide to go to the activities and programs, have your BF document every crazy stunt that the BM pulls, call the police if it gets out of hand and have witnesses. All of this documentation, declarations from witnesses and police reports can be used in court against the BM.

Goodluck to you and I hope you find this site as useful as I have!! Smile

klynn's picture

Thank you all for your helpful and kind words. Thanks Torn for helping me with the acronyms. LOL! It's very nice to have people who understand what I'm going through. I started to feel really crazy and like a totally horrible person. I don't dislike his kids, however I do dislike many of the things they do. Every discussion that happens in our house gets back to their mother, whether it be later when they go home or if my BF's daughter calls her right away. We don't discuss their mother with them in a negative way because I believe completely in not putting children in the middle. Wish she felt the same way. Not sure why she doesn't realize she's damaging her kids on a deep level with the things she does.

No, she is definitely not afraid of making a scene in public. She does it all the time. She has also turned my BF into DHS for child abuse, twice. Both times it was investigated and dismissed. Of course, she did this through the school system, so it makes him look bad to them. Plus, then she denied she did it - even though the paperwork listed her as the person who filed the complaint. Once, when the DHS person actually went to the school and interviewed the kids, she turned it all around on their BM. She stated that their father was a loving parent who believed in discipline and rules and their BM basically let them do whatever they wanted.

Another issue is that I'm 98% sure my BF has Asberger's as well. He is the nicest guy, however completely unaware of the things he needs to do to ease my burden on this situation. Yes, that sounds horribly selfish, I know. Honestly if he was better at "protecting" me from the rath of the crazy BM, I could probably stay with him. But, I look at the situation and I have NO control over what goes on in my own life due to the fact that my BF has his kids every other week and that inserts their BM into my life just as much. My weeks without them are heaven. Yes, I've realized it's just the drama from her that makes the weeks with them so bad. At this point, I just want some peace and I don't know that I will have it if I stay with my BF. Sad.

Thanks again for making me realize I'm not alone.

DaizyDuke's picture

You are in a very difficult situation. I remember when I was first dating my hubby and the first time I met BM she was very nice and polite and I thought OK, no biggie. Then shortly after, the drama started. I remember after one particular incident, my hubby (BF at the time) broke down in tears and told me that he would understand if I ran from the whole mess as that's what every one he had ever dated since her had done. I did (and still do) contemplate running but then I think... why should hubby not be able to be happy because of that bitch?

I am NOT going to run, because that is exactly what she wants and I won't give her the satisfaction. I love hubby and married him "for better or for worse" and believe me, the definition for "worse" in the dictionary has her picture next to it! She really just hates that there is anyone that is "more important" than her and her demands and will do whatever she can to try to put herself in the #1 spot. I told hubby up front that I wouldn't put up with it, either our relationship came first, or I WOULD leave and he could deal with her for the rest of his life and die a lonely old man.

He has gotten ALOT better over the years about not giving in to her demands and basically telling her to go f*ck herself and in turn, she has settled down quite a bit from when we first started dating, because she knows that her antics are not going to work anymore.

You and your BF just really need to cut her off as much as possible. Don't answer her calls, let her leave a message and then decide if it is worth returning her call. Go to sporting or school functions, but sit on the opposite side of the field or classroom and don't speak to her or even acknowledge her: or do as you're doing, just don't go. Eventually she will get bored with the lack of drama that she is able to instill and she will turn her sights elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, she'll most likely never stop completely, but I think you do have some control over how much you allow.

wriggsy's picture

Welcome to the site where Steps regain their sanity!!!

I have to agree with wishing4simplelife. If you are serious with BF, try to go to the extra activities. I go to every single baseball game, soccer game, school function, etc. and always have...even before we got married. BM can't seem to make to most activities (even though she lives in the same area). Yes, she works different shifts and I willingly accept the fact that there are nights when she is working and can't make a game or activity. It sucks when you know that she isn't working and can't drag her butt to see her kids playing soccer or baseball. I think it's very important to the kids to see you there...even if they end up being a shit to you....and they NEVER admit it in a million years...I think it's good for them to see you there. And I think it's two-fold because that also shows a united front with BF for the kids to see you are there for them, but also for him. I have to admit...there were a couple times when I showed up for something only because I knew DH really needed me to be there.

klynn's picture

I've decided in order to keep my sanity I will not go to the kids events if there is ANY chance at all of their BM being there. I have tried the "sit on the opposite side" thing and then she came over, plopped her chair down within an inch of mine and said "well, I guess this is where the special people sit" and then she sat there and mocked me. I did not, at ANY time throughout this crap even acknowledge her presence...so, after about an hour of her and her boyfriend sitting next to me mocking me, with no response from me, she finally got bored. It is crazy. I came from an 18-year marriage and my ex was pretty controlling, so I have vowed to myself that I will not let another human being control me again.

Wriggsy, I understand what you are saying and why, but I've decided that these kids have two parents and those parents can continue to go to their programs and games. I do not intend on causing myself great stress with the drama of seeing this woman. I've also told my BF that he is to instruct the BM to stop just showing up at our home whenever she chooses without notifying us first. I have a right to feel safe, happy and secure in my own home. I have a right to not be freaked out if I am outside letting my new puppy out and the bitch pulls in without any warning.

An example of the BS, my BF is out of town tonight for work and we have his kids this week. The last time this happend (2 weeks ago) I was supposed to pick his daughter from sports practice after work and I get a hateful text from BM telling me not to bother and that she'd be handling it. So, here I was just doing the right thing and I still get drama. I told my BF after that one that I was no longer keeping his kids when he had to travel for work, she could take care of them. Well, supposedly she's leaving town today....we'll see. If I get any sort of message or drama from her today, I will be done. If my BF won't take care of her and the crap she pulls, I just won't do anything at all to help out. I know it's crappy, but I've never in my entire life endured as much abuse from anyone as I have had to with this crazy woman. :sick:

skylarksms's picture

You can try your darndest to hook BM up with some other sucker, I mean guy.

At least with our BM, that bought us time-pockets of sanity!

She finally found one to marry her and father ANOTHER kid with her!! I am hoping that this is the smooth ride to the finish that we will have for my DH's last few years of CS and dealing with BM for visitation!

klynn's picture

LOL, skylarksms, congrats! Hope it works! Unfortunately, BM is still with the guy she left my BF for. She was cheating on my BF in their own home with this guy. He lives with her and the kids, on and off. She's been arrested for domestic assault because they fight all the time. Apparently she attacks other people, not just us. HA! Many of SD's friends aren't allowed to go to BM's house because of the things that have gone on over there. Sad, but true. This woman is bi-polar and sometimes takes her meds and sometimes doesn't. Think she may be getting worse. Her own BM didn't raise her because she was completely out of control. Who knows.... Honestly, wish I would have known all of this before I started dating my BF...I would have run for the hills. Obviously making that decision now is a tad more difficult. :?