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New Years Day fight…. About SD

JustanotherSM17's picture

So this morning woke up and DH is already on BS12 about the puppy peeing in the house ... this goes on and on and I hear DH tell BS that he will have to buy the paper towels from now on because they are being wasted on cleaning pee and how Bs needs to get up at 7am to take out the puppy . This is a normal occurrence where DH is constantly on BS ass about any little thing, I have told DH to back off and he does but then it continues like a few days later. This morning I was extra annoyed hearing it because he was also being hard on DS7. It bothers be because 1) I do not not feel like hearing this early in the morning esp in the new year and 2) because he STILL has not told SD crap about her behavior or attitude towards him and our family. But they sure were sending New years texts as if nothing happened. So I'm like "ok nothing was said to SD and it's just as if nothing happened " yet her is DH constantly on MY kids butt and our son who is 7, yet he let SD grt away with being a selfish A hole ! So I asked him why he has not said anything to SD and he said he "had a little talk with her" but she was at a friends house so he would tell her something when he "had time " this I am not okay with . He has time to call her and to discipline our kids yet he doesn't have time to send SD a text.? So we got into a fight about it because I told him to not tell our kids or BS anything until he has a talk with SD. He gave ME a speech how I need to teach the kids and blah blah blah, yes this coming from a man who can't even parent SD. It just really bothers me, I guess if we had no kids together I would not care how SD treated him or how how let's SD get away with everything. But I think it's very very unfair to constantly be on my kids butt for everything thing and on a 7 year old butt but yet he can't even say anything to SD for anything she does wrong!!!!! He is really part of the problem, does he want her to continue to be a brat! I dunno but it really makes me think if I want to continue in this marriage. I find it extremely unattractive and we have not been intimate in a while because of it. I really dunno if I can take anymore of this . 


thinkthrice's picture

On BS12 since he is too scared to parent SD brat.  DS7 is going to see the double standard on how H treats his princess.

JustanotherSM17's picture

I told him this and I tell him all the time, this is where the fight started. He said he was not gonna take anyone's shit, I said well you are . You take SD shit all the time ! I just dunno how much longer I can deal with this . He says that I can't parent BS so he has to , it's like parent your damn daughter like seriously!!!!! He doesn't see or get it . Or maybe he does but for some reason he doesn't want to tell SD anything 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

What right does he have to parent your son? Are you parenting his daughter? If not, he needs to take a big step back. 

JustanotherSM17's picture

I do not parent her at all and I never have. I tell him this on the time to back off and he does but it only last a few days. He says he has to parent him because I don't, I do parent BS12 but I do not feel the need to constantly be on his ass 24/7 and talking down to him. When I tell him to back off he gets super upset

Aniki-Moderator's picture

When I tell him to back off he gets super upset 

Tough gazongas. His head is obviously lodged in his backside. Write it on your bathroom mirror so he sees it every single day. If he does it again, call him out on it. 

IMO, he's taking out his parenting failures on your son. Tell him NOT ACCEPTABLE. 

thinkthrice's picture

Ye olde look at SM's kids under an electron microscope for so-called flaws but completely ignore your own feral brats!

So friggin' typical!  I remember Chef trying to find ulterior motives with Awesomeson.

Something about take the log out of your own eye before you take the straw out of somebody else's.

JustanotherSM17's picture

It's so damn frustrating!!! I don't know what else to do but just ignore him until I just can't take anymore 

Rags's picture

I am not one to ignore. I am a proponent of confront it instantly and make the person understand that their crap will not be tolerated at all. Not for even an instant.

"You will not ignore SD's crap and then try to be consequence parent with either of my kids. Even the one that is also yours. Knock it off!"

JustanotherSM17's picture

I have been on his ass since Friday but today it was a boiling point. But I will continue to be on his ass and give him a ultimatum. Can you believe HE told ME I dunno how to parent or "teach" my kids ?!??!?? I'm like dude really take your own advise!!!! The hypocrisy is absolutely crazy 

Rags's picture

Gaslighting. Not unusual with these types.

Someone mentioned DARVO. This has some characteristics of DARVO.

Keep baring his ass. He will either step up or.... start writing you big CS checks.  
Remember. His eldest will age out from under CS in a few years and you can go after that money in addition to the CS he will owe you for his two with you  until then.

I am sorry you and your kids are having to live this crap.

Take care of you.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Are you using a crate for the puppy - especially overnight? It will make housebreaking so much easier.

i understand your frustration with DH not treating the kids the same. I don't think he should discipline your son at all, but the two of you need to figure that out.

But, I thought you were going to disengage from SD? Don't worry if DH has talked to her or not. Only worry about her if and when she actually shows up at your house. Outside of that, don't give her, or her relationship with DH, any thought. It is on him to handle it.

JustanotherSM17's picture

We were crate training but he would cry all night and wake up the baby so we keep him gated in the kitchen and he seems ok with it. He was doing good for awhile so we stopped getting puppy pads but now he is back to peeing in the morning so I might have to get pad again. The only reason why I tell him anything is because he is unnecessarily hard on our kids and my son, to me this is not fair at all! If he can't do for one then don't do for all

thinkthrice's picture

He probably senses all the havoc your H is creating by ignoring his mini wife's behavior while coming down on your kids!

JustanotherSM17's picture

It has caused a lot of tension in our home as well as when we are at family members houses . Everyone makes comments on how hard he is on DS7

Lillywy00's picture

I was just thinking the same ... the dog is probably anxious from the energy husband is giving off. 

notarelative's picture

I'd definitely get the pad again. Although he's probably going to complain about the cost.

Lillywy00's picture

Unfortunately if you drag his daughter into this scenario (she had nothing to do with the puppy peeing everywhere) then he will just double down on his stance. 

You may want to clarify with him that he can address his concerns with you then you address them with your son since you seem to not be okay with his level of authority 

Also sometimes some men are a little more tougher on the boys than they are on the girls. Not saying it's okay but just a possible explanation of why he goes hard on them but soft on his daughter.

And why would he make a 12 year old buy paper towels like he can just go report to a job on Tuesday and use a paycheck to buy said towels? Most 12 year old boys haven't developed a work ethic to get side hustles like that.  An 15/16 year old boy yes but not a 12 year old. 

I think your husband just mad because he doesn't know how to train a puppy. Which is a hit to his masculinity. So he's taking it out on your son and if your son is unfazed he's taking it out on y'all's other son. 

JustanotherSM17's picture

He is also hard on our daughter who is 4, not as hard as the boys but he definitely disciplines her more then SD14. I have no idea why DH says what's he says, maybe to make my son feel like crap but I do not like it .

i have told him several times to tell me if he has issues with my son but he continues to try to parent him but he comes off more like he bully. I told DH several times I do not mind with him helping to parent BS12 but he doesn't have to come off as a ass or bully . But I also tell him to parent SD the same way he parents BS and he doesn't 

thinkthrice's picture

They KNOW they are horrid parents and want to turn over a new leaf by being the authority figure parent that they "weren't allowed" to be with the failed first family.  So this enables them to be revisionists and call themselves "strict parents."  They can fool themselves into thinking they were always a strict parent (even with their first failed ferals) so it's "not their fault" (TM) when ferals go awry.

They are also scared to death that SM's kids will turn out the way their horrid ferals did.

Lillywy00's picture

He probably lets his guilt (about the SD not living there full time) override his ability to fairly discipline her. 

If she lived there full time she might catch as much h3ll as the others. 

Idk know the entire story but it could be simply he's unfairly treating the kids in the house just because they're right there at the house when he is in his pissy moods. 

I bet it's not the kids or the dog it's something going on with him and he's taking it out on everybody in the house. 

If I were you I'd be like "Bob I've noticed that you seem tense and impatient with these kids and this dog....are you okay?"

Cause these dudes be going in denial about their parenting skills and their "innocent" feral kids with their layaway plan breeders. When you bring up their lack of reasonable parenting of their kids as the problem they refuse to accept the truth.

Gotta "back door" him into acknowledging there is an issue. 

JustanotherSM17's picture

I know he has underlining issues because he is not happy about his weight and we have not been intimate. But we have not been intimate because of his lack of parenting skills and his harshness on our kids!! So it's like he is the cause lol but underlining issues or not he still has guilt with SD and doesn't feel the need to discipline her . 

grannyd's picture

Hey, JustanotherSM17,

Your post brought back nasty memories of my own home life with ex-husband #2. I had two daughters from my first, disastrous teen marriage and #2 and I had a son together. Much like your experience, our son was gold whereas my daughters could do nothing right. Certainly, all parents tend to view their children through rose-coloured glasses but my girls had been strictly raised by necessity; I left their psychopathic dad when they were very young. 

My daughters were ‘A’ students, gifted athletes, worked paying jobs from the time that they were each 14 years old and performed numerous household chores. Additionally, they were respectful to their stepfather because I would not have accepted anything less. The stress of hearing constant criticism towards my daughters, the anxiety that the girls and I suffered, walking on eggshells while waiting for the next loud, undeserved reproach, became intolerable. 

I could see the girls become gradually beaten down by always being in the wrong and, although I begged my ex to let me do the disciplining, he refused to change. Not until I began to despise him so thoroughly that I filed for divorce. Then, he promised to do better! Talk about too little too late. I couldn’t even look at the man without wanting to punch him in his spiteful face!

 Hon, the worst part of the whole situation was that my daughters loved their stepfather and tried their best to comply with his unjust and ridiculous requirements, none of which applied to our son. I can guarantee that you’ll begin to resent your husband as thoroughly as I resented mine. My ex had a lot of good qualities; otherwise, I would not have married him. Had he not been so awful to my older children, I’d still be with him. However, since I’m now hitched to the man of my dreams…

JustanotherSM17's picture

This is my DH, he comes down hard on my son every second of the day. Sometimes I like when my

son goes to see his dad so I don't have the head the constant nagging ! My BS12 is very respectful to DH and pretty much all adults, he is also a straight A student and in gifted classes . I fear that DH will lower my sons confidence, we'll all my kids . I'm starting to feel the resentment already . Sorry you and your girls had to go through that but I'm glad y'all are ok now 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It's a fact of life that people are more annoyed by the faults of others' children than their own (and no kid is perfect.) But, to live with others' children you really must realize that. If your DH is so blind to his bias that his behavior has you considering leaving, maybe marriage counseling could help? Since you have kids together, it's worth a try. You don't want your kids living with a man who treats them badly, but if you split up, you won't know how your mutual kids are treated when with him and any future SM. It's a tough situation and one you shouldn't put up with. Hopefully counseling will help. 

Rags's picture

Too true.  SParents are far more aware of SKid behavioral issues than are the breeder who created thos behavioral issues.  And.... bioparents are notably blind to the issues of their spawn.

Even my DW  who was always very behavior focused with my SS, had this issue.  She was far less aware of Skid behavioral issues then I was and would even occassionally express that I was too aware of our son's behavioral issues. Not that she was wrong about that. 

We did ultimately have similar standards of behavior and performance that we held SS to. But... occassionally we would get out of sync on those standards. Though not for too long.

grannyd's picture

Right on, Rumple!

Desperate for relief from the tension and misery of my ex’s constant mistreatment towards my teenaged daughters, I insisted on marriage counselling. During our first session, the therapist requested that each of my daughters speak to their stepdad about their relationship. My elder girl, 15 at the time, turned to the ex, with tears in her eyes, and told him that she loved him and described how hurt she felt at being unable to meet his expectations. Although he also teared up, he had little to say in his own defense. During the following two weeks, he curtailed his complaints but, eventually, descended to his habitual behaviour.

For example, one evening during dinner (always a tense, agonizing interval in our day), our son refused to eat his sweet potato. Despite the fact that my daughters hated yams, my ex, who had prepared dinner for the first time in months, insisted on serving them. Our son pushed his plate away; that was acceptable. Both girls did their best to choke down the yams as the ex, yelling, demanded that they eat every bite. My younger daughter vomited her portion onto her plate, apologizing as the food reappeared. That incident was the proverbial ‘last straw’!

During the early fracas with the stepdaughter from my current marriage, who had been behaving terribly towards me, I also sought family counselling. The result was that SD was banned to her mother’s home, rather than continuing with the 50/50 arrangement that had been in place for a decade. The difference was my DH’s willingness to be objective. It broke his heart to lose the shared access to his daughter during the 6 months that it took for her to undergo an ‘attitude adjustment’ but he was determined to have our marriage endure. He realized, with the help of our therapist (an expert on ‘blended family’ issues), that his daughter’s behaviour was destroying our relationship.

My husband and I recently celebrated our fourth decade together and I wouldn’t trade him for all the money in the world!


Rags's picture

"You will not speak to either of MY children about anything behavior related until you give me a recorded conversation you have chewing your failed family progeny's idiot ass. Not one word. If you make the mistake of not hearing and complying with this, pack your shit and get your CS checkbook ready because I will have you living in a refrigerator box under hte local overpass. Do not test me on this. Man up and deal with  your shit spawn... or be gone. Your call. Until you play that recording for me, get your ass out of bed and take the puppy out or clean up the puppy piss yourself.  Happy New Year!!!!"


Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, an adult man is also capable of taking a puppy out. And how the fk is a 12-year-old going to go to the store for paper towels? What's he going to buy them with? It does sound like this guy is throwing mantrums and taking his anger out on everyone but Princess Poopsie. 

Rags's picture

So many failed family fathers fail to recover their balls from their X and the failed family spawn, it is pathetic.

Then they try to pretend like they have balls with their new mate, their Skids, and sadly even with joint kids they have with their new mate while clearly showing that they are eunuchs with their shit failed family.

Balls, they either have them, or they don't. The new mate needs to make sure that the failed family father reposseses their balls or.... cannot pretend like they have them.




Lillywy00's picture

So many failed family fathers fail to recover their balls from their X and the failed family spawn, it is pathetic.


This was the major downfall of my relationship - I could not marry a man who let his ex wife an kids use every tactic at their disposal to remotely manipulate my home and my relationship 

Also, similar to the OP, I lost a lot of respect when my ex fiancé fixed his crusty lips to complain that my elite athlete daughter drank too many protein shakes (he bought a case and she drank maybe $20 worth of the $30 case) then passive aggressively switched flavors to something he knew she didn't like so that she wouldnt have access to drink them anymore because he was cheap as hell providing food for my daughter.  

But when his obese bumps-on-log domestic t3rrorists liabilities touched down and inhaled everything in sight .... he had nothing to say. 

JustanotherSM17's picture

Ugh yes . And he always says stupid crap about BS12, like when we were gonna make Christmas cookies DH said "aw BS are you gonna make cookies like a little baby" like seriously I dunno wtf is wrong with him! I told him to STFU! He reminds me of Robert De Niro in the movie "this boys life " has anyone seen that?!??! Omg that is what DH is becoming and it's a turn off for real 

ndc's picture

This is extremely unattractive and unacceptable behavior. Why would he want to belittle a child, especially when there is nothing babylike about making cookies? I think this man has issues.

JustanotherSM17's picture

True !!!

CLove's picture

person is mad over there so he lashes out over here. That is my life the past ten years.

If you are thinking that it will get better. It will not get better.

Catmom024's picture

I see this unbalanced behavior so much.   So often these men will treat their own subsequent bio children they've had with a second wife more like they are a step child and not a bio child and the bio child they had with the first wife is treated a lot differently.   Awful.   

He should not be disciplining your birth son.   Unfortunately it sounds like the puppy is an added stressor to the situation.   A 12 y.o. really can't be fully responsible for a puppy.  Your DH needs to back off of your bio son.

JustanotherSM17's picture

Yup . We are at families house pretty all day ( me ignoring him and fake smiling) but once we are home I'm gonna tell him to back the F off BS and until he addresses issues with SD me and him are on thin ice and headed for divorce because I can not live like this . 

grannyd's picture

My Dear Girl, 

Reading the facts about your older boy, evidently a good youngster as were my daughters (who, thankfully, are well-educated and prosperous adults), brings a lump to my throat. I know how hurt he's feeling, when his best is never good enough. At some point, he will stop trying and begin acting out.

My younger daughter underwent therapy resulting from a loss of self-esteem; the direct outcome of her stepfather’s relentless criticism. Despite her initial fondness for her new half-brother, she began to dislike him, due to the rank injustice of being treated as ‘less than’. It’s so damaging to children in so many ways! I wish that I could reach through the ether to give both you and your son a giant hug! He does not deserve the treatment that he’s suffering! URG!

I’m in full agreement with Rumple’s statement:

If your DH is so blind to his bias that his behavior has you considering leaving, maybe marriage counseling could help? Since you have kids together, it's worth a try.

Therapy certainly made a difference in my current marriage; my SD and I are good friends although our current relationship was unfathomable way back when. It just might work in your situation and with so many young lives in the mix, it’s worth a shot.

Rags's picture

Take care of you. Your kids need that for you, and from you.

I am sorry your mate is proving to be a serially failed DH and father.

Rags's picture

You have two young children with this guy.  You have huge leverage. So, put your foot up his ass, get the papers ready, and inform him that if he fails to do as you tell him when you tell him he will be paying CS on two for the better part of 20yrs and he will rue the day he failed you as a viable mate and failed your children.

I am not particularly forgiving of this kind of crap and therapy far more often than not.... is just a delaying distraction.  

It was for my XW and I.  Though it was a God send for me, it sustained a failed marriage for about 6months longer than it would have otherwise lasted. Though that 6mos was likely far less contentious than would have been the case if he had not gone to therapy.  Divorce was filed within a couple of months of XW walking out of what turned out to be our final couples therapy session. The divorce was final 7mos after that session.

According to some research, approximately 38% of couples who have undergone marriage counseling get divorced within four years after completing the therapy sessions.Mar 7, 2022

Some marriages just work for whatever reason.  Some have zero chance from the beginning.  Probably my only regret in life is that I did not end my first marriage with an annulment on Monday AM after the horror show of a reception and wedding night on the Sat before.

So far in my life I have had both.  The first had zero chance. Though nothing is guaranteed, this one is looking good so far.

JustanotherSM17's picture

We have 3 small children so he will be paying up for a while, our youngest is 1 years old. But yes this is my next step is starting the paperwork and letting him know if things don't change I will file it. It really really sucks to have to do this but I will not allow my house to be disrespectful and my kids to be put through the ringer ! He needs to handle SD and I mean really handle SD, he needs to realize that HE is the problem to his own problems . Like maybe I would be intimate with him if he wasn't such an asshole and wasn't scared of a 14 year old brat .! I think we really need therapy though so I'll suggest it. He is okay with therapy 

Harry's picture

He taking it out unfairly on your DS Because he there like a punching bag.   Tell him not to tell your son nothing.  Wnen you buy a pupply. It's the adults who has to take care of said puppy. Not a 12 yo.