Finally, I stood up for myself....

I am new to this site. I had been married for my DH for about two years now. I finally have the guts to tell him what I really think about SD. He is an enabler. SD is 23 years old and graduated from college for almost a year now. Right after her graduation, DH and her decided that she needs to find another apartment closer to where she wants to work, which is about $2000 without a roomate. I told DH that it is not a wise decision because she has not find a job yet and 2000 is a big committment. However, it's his money. She moved in and a year later she still can not find a job. DH is way to scare to confront her and wanted to look good in front of her. In turns, he is suffering finacially and I got all the blame. Now, we have to pay his debt and he can not come up with the money. I helped him out with my saving. I asked him for his plans, because this is not going to happen again. He got mad at me. I told him that I can not be the person cleaning up his mess because he wants to look good in front of his daughter. I know that if I don't put a stop to it, it's going to happen again and again. I worked very hard to be where I am. I can't deal with getting into debt because his daughter needs to live close to work (without a job). I was so in love with him, but now I can't remeber the reason why. He offered to move out during the fight. I told him that he should do it right now, since he already have an apartment. SO, he packed up and left. I have not shed a drop of tear. Is there something wrong with me? I felt liberated, because I am not longer enabling his behavior and found relief. As of now, I am feeling kind of sad but still able to laugh and have a good time. Personally, I started to believe that SD is evil and I needed to rid of evil in my life. If it means I need to get rid of him, for be it. I don't want to be with a man who makes a vow to me and put someone else as priority.

Iwantmylifebackj's blog
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Yay for you, i am 100% in

Yay for you, i am 100% in agreement with you, If DH wants to pay those bills for a perfectly capable 23 year old then that is his issue not yours and by no means should you suffer for it. She needs to start paying her own bills, but why would she if Daddy does it for her? she is never ever going to get a job if she doesnt have to!

Egads, you really did stand

Egads, you really did stand up!! Sounds like you've been living with this for so long that it's such a relief. Good for you. I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all!

Thank you. I guess I am at

Thank you. I guess I am at my limit and over. I am so tired of dealing with DH and his drama with his daughter. She actually moved guys in the apartment and let them live there for free. DH stated that he had no control over it. So, I send him over there to be her permante roommate. She wants daddy and there he is. Enjoy. I, on the other hand, enjoy my peace and quiet because I had rid of the evil.

That is pure brilliance...

That is pure brilliance... until daddy starts cramping her style

Good for you! I don't

Good for you! I don't understand why so many parents insist on continuously enabling adult children! How are they ever going to learn to succeed if they never learn the consequence to failure?

I think you did a wonderful thing by refusing to enable your DHs enabling! Stay strong!

Thank thyou. I feel so much

Thank thyou. I feel so much better. I know that perhaps my marriage is over, but I need my diginity.

Yep you are great more women

Yep you are great more women need to learn from you!! LOVE IT!

I know that there are men in

I know that there are men in this world rather let go of their marriage because of their need to prove that they are good parent to their children. I think these men need to get a grip. If they are not ready to make committment to another person and let go of their adult children, they should not be married or be in a relationship for that matter. Marriage is a two people business and requires all the energy. I think DH is that kind of man. He wants happiness and also paying for his daughter. Well, reality sucks when it hits him. SD won't be there for him when she sends him in the nursing home. I pretty sure dying alone will suck, but if it really comes to that, I think he deserved every ounce of her love.

My hero!

Just to let you know I read

Just to let you know I read this to my dh and he was stunned that your dh was even paying for his adult DD let alone blaming you for his short comings. He also laughed at the part when you told him to leave and go to his apt, that he is already paying for. He needs to lose the attitude he has before you two can get back together if there is any hope.

Thank you for all your

Thank you for all your encouragements! I will stay on the path.

need some moral support!!! I

need some moral support!!! I started to miss him.. This is day 4 after he moved out. He tried to contact me twice, but all threats. I have not respond. Don't know what to do!

I would not pay for an

I would not pay for an apartment for my own kids much less a stepkid if they are adults and able to work. Now, to help financial in case of an illness or emergency is one thing, but to help "just because" is another.

Do you "love him enough" to

Do you "love him enough" to pay for his daughter for the rest of your life? @ $2000/month...I'm no math whiz but that's something like $24,000/year. First you're having to pay his bills. Next will you be expected to pay his bills AND her bills? If you're filthy rich and that kind of money is no skin off your nose - then go ahead (even though you'd really just be encouraging her immaturity and his Daddy behavior). BTW - if you are that rich, please adopt me! But the nail in the coffin are the threats. If anyone threatened me I'd call the police and if that person happened to be my spouse the next call would be to a good divorce lawyer. STAY STRONG! You know if your husband's behavior is capable of change. He won't stop allowing his own daughter to take advantage of him. But you can stop allowing it to affect you. Good luck!

She is living in a 2000 per

She is living in a 2000 per month apartment!!! No kidding! I have good paying jobs but I don't rent a 2000 per month apartment without a roommate. People with jobs and common sense knows that is a bad move and it's not financially savy. Hey, but what the heck, she is not fliping the bill and got a daddy, who is not going to say no. She does not care about her father at all. He is the ATM mechaine, which she does not have to deposite any time, energy, or effort to maintain. It's a free ride for her and she likes to share all the free stuff with all her countless loser boyfriends. She does have a spare bedroom, which she says she was looking for a roommate (it's been a year, still no roommate). I appreciate all the support I get from others. I have never done anything like that to him, but enough is enough. He is not spending enough money on our marriage and we had countless fights about that. He makes twice as much money as I do. It's ridiculus. Now, I reflect on my life. I was begging him to love me and save for the future. He choses to gave money away to keep a loser around. His threats are he's not going to pay this and that! Honestly, I am not scare at all. When he makes threats like that to his daughter (because she needs him to flip her bill), she makes immediate change and pretend to care. I don't rely on him for handouts. I am the one who keeps my eyes on the balls, when it comes to money. So, I have not respond to him. It's so sad. I started to wonder aobut all the years I had with this man. I started to question, "Is he so great that I have to completely dismiss my feelings, sense of well being, self-worth, and financial security?" My common sense tells me that no one is greater than all these things. Thank u guys again to keep me in my path to freedom.

In my heart of hearts, there

In my heart of hearts, there is only two ways this marriage will end: 1. we get a divorce. 2. DH deal with his daughter's issues. He can come home when he stops flipping her bills. There is no compromise or middle ground anymore. I don't have any more left to lose. This is it. I know marriage is about compromises, but this is beyond that. I am not going to enable any more irresponsible behaviors from his end. I am not sure if he understands. With time and no contact, I think he will get it. I am done disrespecting myself by picking up the leftovers.

I must say, it sounds like

I must say, it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders!

I am feeling really

I am feeling really depressed! :sick: I started to doubt myself if I did the right thing. Dying.. Having slight chest pain (normally feel like this going through a stressful situation). I am trying to stay strong not to call him. Help!!!

I am feeling really

Iwantmylifeback... Here's a

Iwantmylifeback... Here's a trick that may help you... Give yourself small rewards.

For example, set a goal - a small goal. You will get through tonight and tomorrow and not call him. On Monday - you will put $20 toward a facial.

On Monday - if you get through the day, give yourself another $5 bucks, or buy yourself an ice cream cone or something. Maybe by next Saturday you can treat yourself to a spa day or a new pair of shoes or something.

Give yourself something else to look forward to , and do it in small increments.

Don't beat yourself up if you fall backwards, but try to give yourself enough incentive and not too big of hurdles to do it.

It really is one day at a time. And sometimes, it's one minute, one hour, one night at a time!

Hang in there..

Thanks for the encouragement.

Thanks for the encouragement. I am going to try that.

You can do this. He's just a

You can do this. He's just a bad habit! Think of him like picking your nose, or picking your toes, or some other gross bad disgusting habit that you have to break!!

Unfortunately, it really is

Unfortunately, it really is going to be ups and downs for you right now. You know in your heart that you are doing the right thing b/c everything you have previously typed. But it still doesn't make it any easier. All we can do is be here to support you and that is exactly what we are going to do. For me, it was really easy as long as I was angry and then I'd do something stupid like listen to the radio (instant death with all those love love songs), the anger goes down, then you start to "glamourize" it thinking...maybe it wasn't so bad. Ugh!

Self doubt is also normal.

You're chest pain is anxiety and sometimes it helps if you can concentrate on something simple, like I am breathing, then graduate to I am sitting in my chair, and then the color of this chair is ____. I would really recommend talking to a doc about you're anxiety. They have lots of ways to help you deal with this, some being: counseling, some medication, some have classes, etc. You don't have to do this alone!

You are here

Finally, I stood up for myself....

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