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Communication, part II

Irene H.'s picture

I've written before about this, but here's a recap: My DH's ex will not speak a word to me, but leaves her kids with me, even when DH isn't here. We have 50/50 custody. He was gone a lot on fires over the summer, and then for a week long hunting trip at the beginning of the month. And she kept to the custody schedule, even though he wasn't here.

The Skids are active, have some activity a couple times a week, each. When he's not here, I get no communication. She comes and gets them, carts them around, brings them home, and I never knew they were going to be gone. I've made dinner for people who aren't going to be here sometimes! Other times, I'm scrambling because I didn't know they needed to be somewhere, and she's not taking them to wherever, this time.

I talked to DH about it, put my foot down, told him to tell her I need to know what's going on, or they need to stay with her. So he told her, "you need to call Irene and work out what's happening while I'm gone next week." He said there was a solid 20 seconds of silence before she said she'd tell the kids to let me know whats going on.

I don't get it. At times she's claimed I'm mentally/emotionally abusive to the Skids, but she leaves them with me? Why would you leave your kids with someone you believe will/has abused them? And she hates me so much she won't speak a word to me, but she'll treat my house like a hotel where she can dump them? What kind of parent leaves their kids with someone they won't communicate with? What if something happened? 

Anyway, the last time, the kids did keep me in the loop. But they shouldn't be in that position. It's not good for them to be put in the middle like that. And it gives them a chance to manipulate things. 
What a child!

Comments

shellpell's picture

Lock the doors and pretend you're not home. Let them call their mom to come pick them up. This is an absolutely ludicrous situation and you are being taken advantage of! By everyone including your DH.

The_Upgrade's picture

Go back to my comment on your other post. Make yourself unavailable and make it their dad's problem. 

tog redux's picture

Just have her keep them. She wants a break, that's all. Don't let her dump them on you. There is no way in hell I'd agree to this. They are her damn kids. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree with the others. If you aren't worth her time for a freaking phone call, then screw it. They can't stay if your DH isn't there. Pretty simple stuff. 

BethAnne's picture

Exxactly. It doesn't even have to be a phone call. An email, written notes sent with the kids, texts...anything that would show the OP an ounze of respect for being an unpaid nanny for her kids. 

If your husband cannot be middle man with the communication, if the kids are too young/unreliable to convey messages acurately and if BM is too stuck up her own ass to contact you directly then it is time to stop being used and start practicing saying no. 

Wilhelm's picture

It is one thing to look after the skids while your husband is at work but why are you looking after them while he goes on a hunting trip! Why would he plan a holiday that doesn't include his children during his own custody time?

tog redux's picture

I know, I don't get this at all. No way in hell I'd have kept my SS's custody schedule for weeks when DH was not there. 

Irene H.'s picture

There are specific weeks that you can hunt specific game in certain states. Also, when you're going with a group of 10+ other hunters, you don't get to dictate the schedule. This was scheduled a year in advance. We've kept them during "her" time during her cruises. I don't have a problem with taking care of them. I knew it was a package deal when I signed on. Kind of like he takes care of my dogs when I'm out of town for work. My problem is the lack of communication, not the task(s) of caring for them.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

If she is going to be that childish. I would make sure I wasn't home when she tried to drop the kids off. A simple text message is not asking to much.

Winterglow's picture

These "kids" are 16 and 14. They don't need to be shipped from one home to the other. They certainly shouldn't be with you when your DH isn't there. Also, your SS has made it pretty clear that he hates your guts - why does his mother force him to come? I'm pretty sure he'd be happy to stay at his mother's place. The minute they appear at your door, you turn them around and tell them to go back to their mother's place. If your DH isn't happy about that let him renegotiate custody ...

Are you a SAHM, OP?

Irene H.'s picture

No (ha ha). I work more than anyone else in this situation.

Winterglow's picture

Yep, that's what I thought (not that it should matter). So double my advice. If your DuH isn't there, you send them directly back to their mother.

Irene H.'s picture

Which part?

The part where I signed on for a package deal, and have no problem taking care of the kids?

Or the part where there's no communication from his ex of pickups/drop offs/ extracurricular activities? Because I don't agree to that. That's my point.